A Day for Facing Facts.

I never thought of myself as someone who wouldn’t face facts before, or see the truth and accept it. I’m usually the pedantic one in the family making sure the facts are straight. Today we visited he oncologist. Since Julia is experiencing breakthrough pain and has had to increase her morphine  (substitute) dose, it was time to get an update. Now the wedding is out of the way Ju wanted to consider the option mentioned previously of taking a chemo tablet.

The nurse attached to the ‘dishy’ oncologist went to some trouble to explain that a chemo tablet is not just one tablet. It may be a combination of three, taken twice a day for 14 days on, 14 days off. Since my daughter is now married, perhaps she didn’t lust after Dr.Dreamy any more, and as my niece is in a relationship, perhaps it caused a hiccup with her libido too, but both of them listened to the facts that the chemo may still affect Ju as the other did and damage her lungs. It probably will cause great tiredness, nausea and probably hair loss, not just for the day like the previous chemo did but for the full 14 days of taking it.

I was interested in finding out how far the tumour had grown since the last scan to gauge it’s rate of growth. I also wanted to find out, since Ju had mentioned it, whether the tumour had been the cause of the blockage in the bile duct that caused the yellow jaundice last month. If not, could the pain be down to the stent she had fitted rather than the cancer. I was told it didn’t matter over much since the tumour has grown and is growing and is the cause of the problems.  Julia made a decision threre and then to go for quality of life over quantity. I think we all understood and applauded that choice though Dr. Dreamboat made sure he told her we needn’t rule the chemo tablet out just yet.

We all left the room and Julia was whisked away to complete a questionnaire so the rest of us went to sit in the tea bar and wait. Yvonne has often said that we each seem to hear a different thing when we’re in with the good Doc and come out with different thoughts. She was of the opinion that the Doc had been great and told Ju the truth and that the cancer had spread. I differed, not thinking he’d actually told her that in so many words and I was disappointed that there wasn’t going to be  a new scan to show where the tumour was as Ju and I had talked about before. I’d hoped maybe if it was the cancer causing the pain we might get some more pain carrying nerves cut. I shouldn’t want to know that. My niece( The wonderful Karen) thought maybe I was looking for a timescale to work to, which I suppose it may have sounded like. Things got heated and for the first time in many a year I lost my temper, I can’t remember the last time I shouted at Yvonne, though I didn’t technically shout ( there’s me being pedantic again).

Julia is dying. I don’t want to face that fact but being the anal person I am, I wanted things neatly tied up in a bow. I like facts as they help me think things through. But maybe the girls are right and Julia and I don’t need to know where the cancer is now, how far it spread in 3 months or whatever and at what rate is it growing. I’m pretty sure she couldn’t have another operation to cut nerve endings, and if we saw a large tumour there’s always the thought that Julia cold panic and just give in. I just need to accept I’ve got her as long as I’ve got her and keep her as positive as possible mentally. Maybe we can keep creating targets like we did with the wedding. I’ll have to speak to Yvonne about getting pregnant……..


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36 responses to “A Day for Facing Facts.

  1. I can’t hit like only send love and prayers and a reminder to cherish every moment even without this dreadful disease no one knows what tomorrow will bring nor can we be sure it will come at all make, the most of today each and everyday

    • Thanks Paula. You’re quite right. Cherish every moment because I could be knocked down by a bus tomorrow.The love and prayers are greatly appreciated. Might need a couple more though.
      1. For Julia, for giving the degu’s the run of the lounge.
      2. For the degu’s for chewing through the phone cable, a speaker cable and the cable for the digital photo frame ( so far).
      My choices are a long sentence for murder or blog it and I can’t make up my mind.xx

  2. David,

    As we’ve now been praying for you both since you and I first met online, I can’t help but feel about you and Julia as if you’re family. So please know that we send our love and our hugs and our prayers for strength and joy in the time left. God loves you both, whether or not it feels like it right now, and whether or not you agree. I pray that you both experience the blessing of His peace as you delight in each other, in your extended family, and in the life you’ve lived together. And though we all must die sometime, the pain for those in the passing and the pain for those in the watching is never easy. I’ve been through this several times and speak from my heart to yours.

    On a lighter note, we’ll add that prayer for Yvonne to fill her mama’s heart with the joy of pregnancy.

    Normandie (and Michael)

    • Dear Normandie, what a wonderful person you are. Thank you so much for the prayers which Ju will take comfort from when I tell her. Like you I’ve had to face this several times before so I know there’s no point in railing against it. I am at a sort of peace at the moment though of course that may and probably will change.with time.

      Praying for the pregnancy is kind not just for Ju’s sake but for Yvonne’s too since she really wants a baby.
      I send you hugs as always and wishes for Happy voyages if the boat is back in the water and circumstances are right.xxxx

  3. Dear David, are you by any chance a capricorn? I am, and I understand that need to know all the facts and have things all tied up with a bow. But I also understand how terrible time limits can be. They suck the hope out of life like a leech. You and Julia know there is an end coming, but so long as no one puts a date on it, the normal human capacity to hope will survive. Six months can seem like a lifetime, a year like an eternity and that allows for joy in the days in-between. You can’t plan for endings, you know that. Now go out and buy some new cables. In fact, buy some spares so you can laugh at those tiny, oh so destructive degu. 🙂
    Mega mega hugs, Meeks

    • Catherine Johnson

      I’m welling up here reading this. My heart goes out to your family, David. How astute about the capricorn stuff, I was thinking I cope the same way. Maybe it is a capricorn thing. I don’t know if it is our way of avoiding the pain or what, but I know I have asked lots of practical questions in difficult moments, as if the answer to them will help somehow.
      Enjoy all the moments you have left together, god bless!

    • My very Dear Andrea, I’m a Capricorn through and through. You are right about setting time limits though I promise you that’s not what I wanted to do. I’m enjoying as many days as I can with Ju though she must be sick of the sight of me by now. At least she gets to horse ride in private..
      I may just buy spare cables this weekend as I need time to find out how to fashion them into nooses. Degu beware !

      • acflory

        -giggles- You’re bluffing! You love those little rodents. 😀

      • That was yesterday when I was ignorant of the total damage. I had to go and buy yet another ball this morning so Ju has no excuse not to let them roll around now.They may be sweet and cheeky running over my feet but what do I do if they chew through the TV Cable. I might have to talk to Ju for entertainment instead……

      • acflory

        -gasp- Fate worse than death :p Besides, you might have to spend your time cleaning up after sizzled degu.

  4. I am like you and need to know all the details about things. It is like if I know the rules that apply to a situation I don’t like I will be able to see some sort of loophole.

    Sometimes though, it is better that we don’t know what the rules are or how things are ‘supposed’ to go and then we can make our own decisions and plans without being told in advance if it will work or not. Lady J is a determined woman, I doubt she will give up too easily!

    I am thinking about you all and sending hugs.

    • Thank you Metan, I think your loophole analogy is probably the nearest explanation of why I try to get more facts sometimes. It’s not just about timescales. I’ll carry on making plans until there’s no time left but Ju will not give up easily I’m glad to say.

  5. Dear David, what can I say in a moment like this? Be sure that my daughter and I are praying for you and your family.
    Being the lovely person you are, I think no one would be better to have around in a difficult moment like this. Allow yourself to lose your temper sometimes, it’s natural.

    Hugs from Brazil.

  6. Dealing with cancer in a loved one takes us on a roller coaster of emotions. I often found myself astonished at the speed and intensity of various feelings I experienced. It sounds like you have a very strong and loving family, certainly strong and loving enough to withstand the occasional voice-raising,

    I lean towards neatly-tied-up-bows, as well, and I too, would want to know more facts. Bow tying-up aside, although we certainly do like to pretend otherwise, the truth is none of us ever know how much time we have with each other. My heart goes out to you and your Julia and all your family. You will all be in my prayers. Big (((((((hugs))))))) from California. xo

  7. You are both in my thoughts.

  8. David, I am so sad for you, Julia, and your family. I can appreciate her decision on quality over quantity. My grandmother did the same regiment, and she was miserable and gained only an extra 4 months. Sending hugs, prayers, and blessings. It makes me tearful to think of your struggle. My heart and thoughts are with you all.

    • You’re a Sweetie Amberr.We’re sticking to being positive and so far it’s working well, especially now the pain is under control again. Hugs are always welcome, especially from friends. Hugs x

  9. This is one of the bravest posts I’ve ever read on WordPress x

  10. Pingback: I hoard stuff on my blog so that my house isn’t cluttered « wordswithnannaprawn

  11. I’ve followed your journey in recent months, but have rarely (if ever??) commented. My husband was just diagnosed with recurrent cancer and our journey through whatever may be is about to begin. I vow to focus on the positive, the hope, and the joy we share together each day. For that’s what your message has always been. My heart breaks to think of you having to let go of your dear Julia. Don’t let go. Focus on quality and the life you have together. For ever how long that may be. Blessings and miracles to your both. I pray also that Yvonne becomes pregnant, bring Ju and you much happiness.

    • Dear Jolyse, thank you for joining in and for all the kind comments and wishes. I’m truly sorry to hear the news about your husband. Most people will focus on the patient and their feelings and wellbeing but we both know how this impacts on loved ones too. I hope maybe you’ll feel you want to share is progress, either here or on your own blog because as you knnow, there sre so many supportive friends out there. It’s not a journey you have to travel alone as your husband will not travel his alone.
      It would be wonderful if you kept in touch and if you do decide to diary event the stages then I’ll be sure to follow. xx Huge Hugs

  12. My heart goes out to you and your family David.

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