The Case of the Vanishing Months

I’ve recently become convinced that someone steals hours from the day, days from the week, weeks from the month and months from the year. It must be so since yesterday it was Halloween 2011 and now it’s almost Christmas 2012. But I have a little secret you thieving wretches, you won’t beat me as I shop all year round so my Christmas list is ready. Yes, OK, don’t smirk, I haven’t got the food yet but that’s mainly because I can’t find a crowbar to get into the freezer which seems to have frozen over while I was asleep. Further proof that I’m right about time thieves.

Maybe I have it all wrong though. Maybe it isn’t thieves but a case of time-slip. Is that possible I wonder. That would perhaps fit better with my thoughts that I’m only about 40 really and not the ‘Hrumph’ the 2012 calendar says I must be.

It is actually a funny thing that when we’re younger the anticipation of Christmas makes everything seem a long time.The same goes for Easter, birthdays and special holidays in the caravan where time drags even more. As we get older these things seem to propel themselves into our lives like a manic merry-go-round one after the other till we all say “Hang on, I saw that horse just a moment ago.” Another strange thing is how Christmas has started earlier in the year than it used to. Only this time it’s not related to my increased age, it’s reality. My American friends will have to forgive me for a moment while I reminisce.

When I was a child of perhaps 9 or 10 my friends , OK OK no need to be pedantic, my friend and I used to look forward to November. On the first we would create a figure from old clothes ( or otherwise if no-one was looking) and in the evenings take it out on the streets in an old wheelbarrow or similar contraption. During the day we’d be collecting wood and things to make a bonfire. On 5th November we’d make special efforts with the ‘Guy’ as our figures were known and we’d be calling “Penny for the Guy” as we either rolled it along or settled in a convenient spot. In all honesty the best spots were just outside pubs. The money we collected would be spent on fireworks to be set off when the bonfire was lit, but not before the Guy was added to the top of the bonfire in place of honour. All of us knew Guy was in fact Guy Fawkes who had tried to blow up Parliament. These days of course we’d all be offering him a hand and giving him a medal. As the fire burned we ate potatoes baked at the edge, parkin ( a kind of ginger cake) and treacle toffee.

Once the bonfire was done and sparklers all spent it was time for a break. Nothing happened until at least the 1st of December. Oh do stop niggling me, of course life went on as usual, school, play etc. As the 1st arrived you’d see shops start to dress their windows in Christmas colours- predominantly white. My memory may be faulty here but I seem to recall we had snow on the ground sometimes too and quite often at Christmas. I certainly remember snow deep enough to make getting to school difficult. No,I don’t mean anything over half an inch, I mean at least a foot. The shop window displays grew along with out excitement. And I can’t recall what my parents did but I remember emptying my piggy bank to go out and buy gifts. My mother would take me but in the main would not interfere. To be honest, it was so long ago I only recall one gift I bought. It was a small glass dish with what looked like moss in it from which rose some flowers with glass petals. It was for my Nana whom I loved dearly. She may have hated it instantly but she would never have said so, and years later when I was in the RAF it was still standing on the shelf of a little unit beside her.

I can remember being in hospital when I was about 5 yrs old. It was Christmas time and I’d been in a few weeks. My mother came to collect me to bring me home. I remember I was given a cowboy outfit that year with a rifle. I don’t remember exactly what happened but my sister tried to scare me back into hospital and the rifle ย ended up getting broken over her head. I was a big reader because I was often unwell. Sometimes I was rushed out by ambulance, so blue people must have thought I was a Mekon.( Sorry, Dan Dare and the Mekons was on the front of the Eagle comic). Maybe that’s who’s responsible for these damn time slips. Come on now, play fair. Give me my missing time back, I promise not to squander it.


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32 responses to “The Case of the Vanishing Months

  1. Sorry, David, but they stole it from here, too.

  2. I’ve been suspicious of time thieves for quite some time now. After all, my son is now 14 years old, which is completely impossible because I JUST HAD HIM! Not to mention that I just had my 35th birthday, which is also impossible because I WAS JUST A TEENAGER! It isn’t fair. And the older I get, the faster it goes. Needless to say, I’m beginning to feel frantic about getting all the things done I need and want to do. It is comforting to know that I’m not alone. ๐Ÿ™‚

    • There’s a conspiracy Kimberly and it’s ageist since it only seems to happen to those of us a little more mature than say teenagers. I think the Governments are using our stolen time to fuel an escape pod for themselves for when the aliens invade, if they aren’t the aliens that is, and I’ve never been sure about that..

  3. Catherine Johnson

    Fantastic post! I do miss bonfire night so much! And I love parkin haven’t had it in years. Maybe I should try and make some. Love your comment about merry go rounds ๐Ÿ™‚

  4. David, I’m absolutely sure it’s happening! One hour used to be a lot longer a while ago. And the mirror used to bring a lot less wrinkles just yesterday… Something must be wrong, time is not okay anymore…

    When I was a kid, it was an eternity for the next Christmas to come, you’re right. Just today I was talking to my daughter about last year, and I remember it so clearly, I’m positive it was last week, not twelve months ago…

    But there’s one exception, though; I’ll be on vacation next week, so this week seems to NEVER END!! ๐Ÿ˜€

    • Yes Renata, it’s a very elasticky Universe. For children it seems to stretch out until it looks like it may snap but for us it’s like the elastic has gone in my underpants, no twang at all.I think whoever steals our time must do it when we sleep and they mark our faces with little lines to show they’ve been. I’m sure I can hear sniggering when I dream as I’m a very light sleeper.
      It seems only yesterday I wrapped my last Christmas gift and here I am having to buy them again. Maybe I’m wrong, it’s the people who get the gifts who steal the years so they get them every week? No wonder I can’t afford a coffee.
      I hope you have a brilliant vacation next week and the thieves don’t know where you are.
      Massive Hugs

  5. Hello Catherine. When I wrote about Parkin I could actually taste it even though it may be a year or two since I last had it. Thank you for the kind comments. Huge Hugs

  6. It’s an invasion and They’ve pinched my time too! I just can’t work out how They did it without my noticing. I’m sure it was only yesterday that I was wandering the streets of Paris eating half a baguette filled with an inch of rillette. The truly sad thing is They stole my skinny clothes as well. There really should be a law against this kind of thing. ๐Ÿ˜ฆ

    • Well I’m not sure what the devious Politicians want with your skinny clothes but I have heard rumours. I’m sure it was only yesterday you were selfishly eating your baguette on the streets of Paris without a thought of sharing with the rest of us, but I will agree that someone has been unfair to you too. The thing is, what can we do about it? If somebody doesn’t do something soon I’ll be shrivelled and almost mummified by next week.And every day leading up to it will have been another Christmas.

      • Sadly the only cure I’ve found so far is to be bored witless. The time thieves appear to have an aversion to boring hours, days, weeks etc and leave them alone. Unfortunately this particular cure is worse than the disease, so I’m stumped. ๐Ÿ˜ฆ

  7. The Man and I were telling the kids about our childhood bonfire nights just the other day! Once the fond reminiscing died down they asked why people didn’t do it anymore so of course that started us off on a rant about nanny states, too many rules, and people not using common sense when it comes to explosives. Oh, the good old days ๐Ÿ˜‰

    I agree though, time is very elasticky. Each summer/xmas holiday lasted for years when we were kids but now I have my own kids it seems they are over in a matter of days. Of course the fact that hot cross buns are in the shops on the first of the year doesn’t help slow the time down.

    Every time the kids do something that makes me realize how grown up they are it annoys me greatly, I mean, surely it was only last week he learned how to walk and now number 1 wants an electric guitar for xmas. I bet it seemed that Yvonne had only just learned to dress herself when you walked her down the aisle.

    (I have a theory about time and it goes something like this; it doesn’t fly when you are having fun. It is taken from you. The universe can’t bear to see someone enjoying themselves so much and shortens the time available. It re-inserts the time when something unenjoyable is forced upon you and extends this time in order to maintain the balance.)

    • I could almost agree with your theory. because I too have found that time goes back to being elasticky when something we don’t enjoy happens but I’m not sure it ever maintains the balance. I’m quite sure there’s something left on the negative side. Of course being difficult, I suppose the Universe
      ( if that’s what’s responsible for these thefts) might be adding the time it steals from us to the children to make theirs longer.If that is the case then heaven help us when the kids start to outnumber us because our time will disappear down some big black hole.Huge Hugs to you all.

  8. Time has stood still in my world. For every day the thieves steal from one, they give to me. Now I own eternity. I haven’t one clue how to spend it.

    • You are the Mekon?????? How much will it cost to return the stolen time to us Earthling ageing ones? You’ll only be bored if you stay around for eternity since the nanny state will eventually take all the fun from life.Though I suppose you can just move on to pastures new when that happens. If you only returned enough to make the gap between each Christmas longer it would help since age seems to have deprived me of the imagination I imagine I once had.

  9. It was the mekons! How did I not figure that out? You are so right, though, just this morning I was cleaning up the morning after Christmas, and here it is almost December. Damn those time thieves!

  10. Lord Prosser, I think you from the UK can be very funny when using English, which makes sense as it’s the native language there mostly. I loved hearing about life over there – past and present. About Guy Fawkes Day, we have heard about this here but, just like you, donโ€™t celebrate it either.
    Cheerio, you all are great fun!

    • Hello Maria/Elizabeth. Calling me David is just fine since we’re all in this together. I’m not sure how this great conspiracy to steal time from me when I most need it could be called funny, but I’m so glad to have entertained you. Life over here has had it’s great moments in the past as I suspect it will in the future. I hope the Nanny state won’t get so bad that when children ask parents what life was like or what they did when they were young, they won’t have stories of traditions to share. I’m sure you’ll have stories to share with your children.
      Cheerio for now

  11. Food Stories

    I love your comment about the merry-go-round … its so true … Hope you’re having a great day ๐Ÿ™‚

  12. Are you trying to ruin my reputation calling me sweet. Hugs are great though. Hugs right back at ya.

  13. Hope you are all aswell as can be expected there and that Julia is managing to get some riding in between the rain i just wondered if you had seen this as I know the cause is close to your heart

    • Hi Paula. Yes thanks, we’re doing much better than we could have hoped for and Ju still manages to get 2 half to three quarter hour rides a week though I’m always scared of it shaking something loose.
      Thanks so much for the link, it’s a book I’ll have to get. Hugs.xx

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