Wind from proverbial sails.

I’ve prevaricated enough. For the last 3 hours I’ve sat here in front of the computer doing things automatically, answering mail, trying to be funny, showing an interest, anything rather than this. A friend who is in touch most day and always asks me about Ju told me not to forget that my good friends here would be looking for updates.

I said I was holding back for now to give the hospice time to work on the drug dosages so that I could announce Ju was coming home. Well, on Saturday Ju announce she’d be home tomorrow and was going riding on Wednesday. I know the Doctor had told her ” Do whatever you want to do” ( No she’s not related to Alistair Crowley for all you black magicians out there), but I imagined she meant to add ” within reason”.

Yesterday ( Sunday for all you reading any day other than Monday) Yvonne, Ugo and I took Ju out for lunch. Yvonne had bought Ju a new dress. Very loose and soft so it didn’t hurt her stomach, and a lightweight jacket. It wasn’t far to travel and when we got there Ju was delighted to find my two nieces that we can’t shake off  adore. The meal was lovely though Ju didn’t eat much and when it came to an end she started complaining of feeling sick and bloated which is a problem at most mealtimes. She was also suffering some discomfort from a pair of light tights she was wearing. So we took her back to the hospice and she changed back into a nightdress and lay down. She stayed that way the whole afternoon.

Today I wrote a list of questions for the doctor at the hospice about things like is there anything to control the feeling of nausea after eating. Things I need to know for when she comes home. I took it in when I went there at lunchtime. One of my nephews and his wife was there. They’d just come from the hospital where David had been checked after having had cancer lasered from one side of his throat recently. He still has the other side to go. His poor tongue was swollen and he was speaking in a high pitched whisper.As usual we threw insults towards each other in fun. When they left I checked with Ju that tomorrow was still the day and she said “Yes, then riding Wednesday.” On the basis of not being able to wear tights yesterday I asked her to reconsider. After all how would she manage with jodhpurs. If she said she could do it, fine, but I wanted her to think about it. She did and decided she wouldn’t manage and would I mind her staying in the hospice one more day to be sure the drugs were right. I don’t mind at all. There is a fear that she’s coming home because of me rather than because she should. As my carer ( laugh inserted here) she feels she should be home. That’s the wrong reason. Then she stood up to give me a hug and told me she’d been afraid to tell me before (everyone else knew) that she’s been told it’s a matter of weeks now rather than months.

We’ve gone from the expectation of having some excess fluid drained to a sudden death sentence in less than a week and I’m still reeling from it. I don’t know what to say or what to do. I’m sure some of you will think I’m irreverent for adding jokes in a blog post this serious but I promise it’s a defence mechanism. If I don’t joke what do I do? So all I can say is I’m sorry I’ve had to relay the news like this. Hell I’m sorry I’ve had to relay it at all. But I will try to keep you posted as Ju and I try to defy the odds again and astound the medical profession. I always tell her about the wonderful comments you make and she’s always grateful and sends her thanks and love back. I as always say thank you and send Huge Hugs to all ( Bro-Hugs to men).


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44 responses to “Wind from proverbial sails.

  1. Not hitting like I am guessing her comments about going riding are from a desire to feel that freedom one last time. I wish it were better news for you and can only imagine your feelings at this time and while people will be watching for updates remember the most important thing is to make the most of every minute you have left together, would even say if you can pack a bag and get away for a day or two just the two of you

    hugs to you both xx

    • I think your guess is spot on Paula so I’ll be looking for other ways for her to achieve her freedom. I won’t let her give up. With the pets here we couldn’t just pack and go away and I’m sure it’s going to hurt to have to find new homes for the girls but even the task of feeding and cleaning them is going to become too much soon.Ju and I will never forget the kindness shown by all our friends. Thank you. Huge Hugs xxxx

      • Don’t get rid of the pets… ask for help and people will look after them for you for a while… you have so many friends out here who would help! x

      • I think I need to find them a permanent home with someone who will care for them. The problem is, so few people would welcome rodents in to their home. Mention rats and they grimace, at least If I mention degus I usually jut get blank looks.They need to be with someone who’ll take them out of the cage and play with them, especially Bernie and Priya who are the most affectionate creatures on earth.The degus are very bright and need stimulation and exercise.I’ll leave it as long as possible though and cope while Ju is home. Hugs

      • What a shame as you obviously love them dearly… I would have them like a shot if we didn’t have two terriers. As a child, the only pets we were allowed were gerbils, so I have a soft spot for all rodents and degus in particular are so appealing. I hope that you find a lovely home for them when you need to xxx

      • They’re wonderful fun but I’ve taken the bull by the horns with an advert on the pre-loved site. I want someone who’ll give them a wonderful life and lots of space to play. Hugs

  2. Dearest friend,
    No words could express the feeling I have toward you and Ju at these moments. I am with you across the pond and to your doorstep. I am sending prayers and asking Ju to also defy the medical profession and do what she can when she can.

    I pray most of all that you both find strength and NEVER give up or give in to hopelessness. Mary and I send our love and best wishes.
    Joseph & Mary

    • Dear Jo and Mary, thanks so much for taking time out of your bust schedule. Your thoughts are reaching out and giving me the courage to go on helping Ju defy the medics. I think she must have read Dylan Thomas about ‘Not going into that night bravely but to rage against it’. The gap Ju would leave would be unfillable. My very best to you both and wishes for success on the tour.

  3. Hi, David, I know this is so hard for you to go through, not to mention the pain and suffering Julia must be feeling. No matter how well we try to prepare ourselves for the loss of a loved one, it is never easy, whether we know we have years or days–and really, none of us ever knows when our time will come. Life is but a fleeting moment for all of us. Just love her, laugh with her as much as you can, reminisce with her, and remember that the keenest of the five senses as a person makes the first tenuous steps into eternity is the sense of hearing. Let her hear how much you love her and have enjoyed her all these years. I just recently had to say goodbye to my beloved kitty Cherie, who was like a little daughter to me, as I had raised her from birth, and she lived to be fourteen. I know a pet is nothing like a person we love, but I was aware that it comforted her to hear me talking quietly to her and telling her how much I loved her and what a good Mommy’s girl she had been all her life, and that I would miss her ever day forever. Sending virtual hugs, Janet of Indiego Publishing.

    • I don’t think it’s at all dissimilar Janet. We often invest as much in our pets as we do in our human loved ones. In some cases they take the place of humans. I’m sorry your Kitty was taken and can imagine how upset you were. Don’t worry, Ju knows she is loved and won’t be allowed to forget it for a minute.I shall be there to remind her as will Yvonne and others of the family. I imagine her sister and husband will be here so often I’ll be able to charge them rent.Ju will not go unsure of her lace in our affection. Hugs for you. xxxx

  4. Oh David, I am so sorry to hear that. Please keep posting about how you feel because we are all here (as much as we can be long-distance) for you both, and keep on with the jokes, when you stop we will all be VERY worried.

    You are lucky to have such a lovely family around you and I am glad to hear that Lady J is still in a positive frame of mind. Huge hugs for you both.

  5. David, I’m sending the hugs, the prayers, the love to your both. Jokes are how we cope with pain. We all know it. No one even imagines you’re irreverent. Instead, we’re trying to be Aaron and Hur to hold your hands up (I’ll do the prayers there if you can’t) so that Joshua can win the battle against the Amalekites.

    Know that your long-distance tribe is here for you. I’m still hoping I’ll be able to send your bride one of my books when it releases. Tell her to hang in there!

  6. Hugs and love to you both. I pray you have many moments of love ahead before it’s her time to go. Yes, defy those odds; amaze the medical profession!

  7. David, we went through this with Mum. It’s not easy and we could not have handled it without the Lord’s help; there is such peace for everyone that way. Praying for you and your Lady Love.

  8. My thoughts are with you both.

  9. I just wanted to say a few things. Life has a funny way of showing you what’s in store. I have experience of what you are going through and being the youngest of 5, each one of us dealt with this news completely differently. It is essentially a Thor-shaped hammer of thoughts and emotions coursing through you, threatening to explode at any moment. But you do The Right Thing and keep it all in, putting on brave faces and smiling. Which is right I suppose, stiff upper lip and all that but you also need to be mad at the horrific globules, angry at the world and you need to cry. Big heaving cries of frustration, with snot and all running down your face (probably not becoming of a man of your stature but so be it) Truly Madly Deeply style – well in my case anyway. I vented by playing darts in the garden for hours, shouting profanities that no-one could hear (highly un-lady like) and my shed has never looked the same or been water-proof ever since.

    You are being so strong and I’m sure Ju appreciates what you are doing. But take the time to talk. To her, your close friends, the bundles of fluff that need fed every night, as you will need them when the time comes. You might not think that now but you will.

    If I was a bro, I would send you bro-hugs. But I am a lass, so I send you a big-as-I-can-stretch girly hug which my boy’s say hurts their ribs – so it must be quite good. Take care x

    • I’m quite sure I’ll vent my feelings at some stage and turn the air blue. Nothing wrong with that. I think the darts are a great idea but I haven’t got any so I’ll use steak knives.I’m afraid the rodents will probably be the ones I talk to and whimper about the unfairness at. I will talk to Ju all the time and try to bolster her when she’d down but I won’t let her give up easily and won’t admit defeat for her.Thanks so much for taking the time to write and for the lovely hug (which in Welsh is cwtch) I send you Huge Hugs in return.xx

  10. Constantly in my thoughts. I am so sorry that you are both going through so much suffering and pain, My dear friends xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

  11. David, my heart aches after hearing this last news report, especially since I’ve been there and know all the pain, emotion, and emptiness that comes with this kind of news. It looks like you have a great support system here even if we can’t be there to offer a shoulder to lean on in person. Consider this a shoulder. Of course sending prayers and thoughts to you and your family. Give those little critters a big hug, too. You need them as much as they need you.

    • I’m sorry you’ve had to go through this Mary J.It’s not a great time is it? The shoulders rendered by you and our other friends has been of great help to me as well as a delight to Julia. I’m very grateful and hope I can repay in part sometime.I regret I’m trying to arrange a re-home for the furries as neither of us is in a good position to be cage cleaning these days but I hope to hang on to the rats as long as possible as Ju loves how affectionate they are and they’ll happily play on her in a morning which will occupy her while I make beds etc.
      Sending you Huge Hugs. xxxx

  12. David, I’m glad I noticed this post, because for me blogging – writing and following – can be overwhelming, and I miss things.
    I love the fact that you and Ju have so much love within and around you, and am so very glad your friends support you! Also, that you’ve had the rats – I like them, I’m not scared – and other little creatures so long and lovingly. Hoping to hear that Ju continues on – hoping this so much!
    Your fun and kindness have been a joy, even when you’re writing about your suffering. I’m happy to know you, and her through you. Love sent across the Pond!

    • Dear Maria,it is easy to miss things on occasion , but some of the more annoying ones have a way of creeping in-like mine. Thanks so much for the lovely comments, especially about my little girls who are a loving joy.
      I’ve been exceptionally lucky in my friends and in the support they’ve given I’m sure without you all I’d be in a strait jacket by now and they’re never tailored to a good fit. Thanks also for your kindness in sending love across the pond, it’s most welcome as it’s a non-fattening pleasure of life and doesn’t mean a new trip out for clothes.
      I send you Huge Hugs and Hopes for a nice day. xxxx

  13. Catherine Johnson

    David, my heart goes out to you and Ju. My thoughts and prayers are with you and I hope you find a home for your beloved rats.
    Love, peace and hope *hugs*

    • Thanks so much Catherine, your caring is much appreciated. It looks as though the rats may be staying for the forseeable future as Ju can’t part with them but the degus have gone now. xx Hugs

  14. David,
    I am so sorry to read this. I hope you and Ju have many more good days than bad ones in the next weeks. Stay close to each other.
    Blessings, Carley

    • Thanks so much Carley. I’m sure we’ll have lots of good days and luckily for me, we enjoy each others company. I’m sure many women would have run out of patience with my nagging by now but Ju can turn a deaf ear. I send you hugs. xxxx

  15. Hi David,

    So sorry for commenting just today, I’m having some computer problems… Dear friend, there’s nothing I wished to read less in my whole life. I’ve been dreading this post, actually. One can only imagine how life is now there, and I truly admire your good spirit of still writing here and telling us what’s happening. My daughter and I are praying hard now for you and Ju. Please send her our love and hugs.

    • My Dear Renata, comment or not I know your thoughts are with us and I appreciate it so much.Life is still OK though perhaps a bit slower as Ju tires more easily but with the pain controlled we’re being as normal as possible.She’s booked back into the hospice at the start of April for respite so I expect to have her a while yet. I won’t give up. Thank you for the good wishes and please thank your daughter for me. I send you Massive Hugs to share.

  16. Kathy

    Dear David; I am much saddened by this news that I just read. Julia is such a sweet loving lady. Though we are thousands of miles away from each other; I have always been able to feel her kindness, joy and love for everyone and all things! She is a special special lady. I pray that both of you will find peace and comfort; and that Julia’s pain will cease along with all the other problems that she is experiencing. I am so glad she is surrounded by people who love her and won’t let her give up. I am praying for her and for you also!!! Sending lots of hugs to you both……..xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

    • Thanks so much Kathy. Though the prognosis hasn’t changed, you might be cheered by today’s post. You’re quite right that Ju is sweet and loving and despite her own pain has been more worried about my health niggles than her own. She’s very special to me- as long as I keep out of reach anyway. I’m so grateful for your best wishes and I promise I’ll be there encouraging her as long as I can. Huge Hugs to you, David

  17. Mother passed Sept 17. I was her home hospice nurse for last five weeks of her life. It was all so sudden – one day running around cleaning and doing laundry and such and the next day diagnosed massive cancer terminal. My parents have lived with me this last 10 years. The experience of this care still has me reeling and I don’t know if a part of me will ever become settled but I am glad I did it and spent those closing days, then hours with her. She seemed to go back and forth between death and this world so many times to express her love – I never know how brave she was. I understand. If I did not believe there was a link to the other side, I believe it now.

    • I’m truly sorry for your loss Carl.Losing a parent at any age isn’t easy but it can be more difficult if they live with you and you devote your time to them as you did with your mother. I’ve no doubt at all she was grateful to have someone she cared so much about with her at such a time. The nursing and the care are intense and you can’t go home and forget the job at the end of a day.
      That she came back so often to reassure you of her love is wonderful and since you now know you’ll see her again one day you should feel much happier. I hope you find peace and rest after such a stressful time.

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