I’ve prevaricated enough. For the last 3 hours I’ve sat here in front of the computer doing things automatically, answering mail, trying to be funny, showing an interest, anything rather than this. A friend who is in touch most day and always asks me about Ju told me not to forget that my good friends here would be looking for updates.
I said I was holding back for now to give the hospice time to work on the drug dosages so that I could announce Ju was coming home. Well, on Saturday Ju announce she’d be home tomorrow and was going riding on Wednesday. I know the Doctor had told her ” Do whatever you want to do” ( No she’s not related to Alistair Crowley for all you black magicians out there), but I imagined she meant to add ” within reason”.
Yesterday ( Sunday for all you reading any day other than Monday) Yvonne, Ugo and I took Ju out for lunch. Yvonne had bought Ju a new dress. Very loose and soft so it didn’t hurt her stomach, and a lightweight jacket. It wasn’t far to travel and when we got there Ju was delighted to find my two nieces that we
can’t shake off adore. The meal was lovely though Ju didn’t eat much and when it came to an end she started complaining of feeling sick and bloated which is a problem at most mealtimes. She was also suffering some discomfort from a pair of light tights she was wearing. So we took her back to the hospice and she changed back into a nightdress and lay down. She stayed that way the whole afternoon.
Today I wrote a list of questions for the doctor at the hospice about things like is there anything to control the feeling of nausea after eating. Things I need to know for when she comes home. I took it in when I went there at lunchtime. One of my nephews and his wife was there. They’d just come from the hospital where David had been checked after having had cancer lasered from one side of his throat recently. He still has the other side to go. His poor tongue was swollen and he was speaking in a high pitched whisper.As usual we threw insults towards each other in fun. When they left I checked with Ju that tomorrow was still the day and she said “Yes, then riding Wednesday.” On the basis of not being able to wear tights yesterday I asked her to reconsider. After all how would she manage with jodhpurs. If she said she could do it, fine, but I wanted her to think about it. She did and decided she wouldn’t manage and would I mind her staying in the hospice one more day to be sure the drugs were right. I don’t mind at all. There is a fear that she’s coming home because of me rather than because she should. As my carer ( laugh inserted here) she feels she should be home. That’s the wrong reason. Then she stood up to give me a hug and told me she’d been afraid to tell me before (everyone else knew) that she’s been told it’s a matter of weeks now rather than months.
We’ve gone from the expectation of having some excess fluid drained to a sudden death sentence in less than a week and I’m still reeling from it. I don’t know what to say or what to do. I’m sure some of you will think I’m irreverent for adding jokes in a blog post this serious but I promise it’s a defence mechanism. If I don’t joke what do I do? So all I can say is I’m sorry I’ve had to relay the news like this. Hell I’m sorry I’ve had to relay it at all. But I will try to keep you posted as Ju and I try to defy the odds again and astound the medical profession. I always tell her about the wonderful comments you make and she’s always grateful and sends her thanks and love back. I as always say thank you and send Huge Hugs to all ( Bro-Hugs to men).