Long, long ago in the Dark Ages three hopeful spirits set out on a Pilgrimage. They were not seeking the elusive Holy Grail, but a much more mundane prize, The Perfect Summer’s Day.
Two adults ( though in on case that’s a matter of opinion) and one child travelled from their lonely village home of Llysfaen ( Cliss fine or if your tongue has straightened out from last time, Thliss fine) (Please send a crossed cheque made payable to me for these lessons I’m providing) to the shores of the great sea that floated in front of the Promenade at Llandudno. The sun beat down mercilessly, or to put it another way, the temperature actually achieved double figures. The child (Yvonne) like all the other children of this magical place grew hungry and thirsty. The adults who protected her ( let us call them David and Julia) saw that there was a place of abundance close by and went hunting.
David returned with a feast which was called Doughnut while Julia returned with drink from the sacred spring of St. Pepsi. Yvonne started to sate her thirst and lifted the Doughnut to her mouth. At this moment the sky darkened. Time seemed to freeze momentarily and they knew a monster approached.!! Seconds later, even before they had time to hide beneath a bench the monster struck and Yvonne’s hand was empty. The Doughnut was gone !! Yvonne’s face crumpled as had her hand moments before. David ran to the place of hunting and quickly acquired a replacement. He placed it gently in Yvonne’s hand and her face lit up again bringing the sun back out. The hand grew round the Doughnut to encompass it and keep it from sight and tentatively she moved it towards her mouth. Success, she managed a bite. As her smile grew all three heard a beating sound like that of the little drummer boy rat, tat, tatting on his instrument. ( get your minds out of the gutter please).
All at one there appeared at Yvonne’s feet dozens of pigeons. She cooed with pleasure, they cooed back. Before the adults could warn her she started to sprinkle crumbs from the Doughnut in their path. The crumbs disappeared as if by magic, but the pigeons didn’t. They decided her knees would make good perches and moments later the adults had lost sight of their precious daughter as in her place sat a pigeon tree. David, being a wimp, was about to panic when Julia took action. “SHOO” she cried and with a huge whoosh the birds took flight. Yvonne was in some disarray since the pigeons obviously thought her hair was straw ( since they don’t eat gold and have no idea what blonde is). But in her hand she was clutching with determination half the Doughnut. She took a tentative bite when the sky darkened for a second time and down came the monster. This time it didn’t attack but landed close to Yvonne and started to stalk her. All the time it’s beady eye on her hand, all the time her eye on it’s huge maw. It was a test. The adults dare not interfere as these two forces of nature prepared to do battle. All of a sudden, Yvonne brought her hand up to her mouth and took a bite but before the monster could attack she threw the remaining piece down and said ” Awww, poor seagull, here you are.”
They say no kindness goes unpunished but that day the two adults were surprised to see it could happen. Yvonne was safe. She drank her libation from the sacred spring of St. Pepsi, gave a polite burp, and they moved on to other delights. A Punch and Judy show on the pier, a very short and uncomfortable donkey ride and even a bit of shopping though no Kinky Boots were bought. They lunched in another
scared Sacred grove which came to be called The Cocoa House where they found fish with delightfully deep fried objects called chips. The adults partook of Sacred drugs called caffeines. And they grew tired.
As the day wore on David noticed Yvonne beginning to flag. ” Let’s go home” he suggested. They headed towards their chariot which had been parked on the street of shops close to a feeding station. Julia took to the reins. They had noticed some of the seagulls ‘mooching’ about on the pavement near the chariot as people threw crumbs to them. Some landed in the road and as Julia pulled the chariot away from the kerb one of the braver seagulls made a dive for a large crumb. There was a crunch like breaking a stick of seaside rock and the two adults looked at each other and then at Yvonne. David got out to check and sure enough there was one monster less in the skies. Getting back into the chariot he said ” Whew, that’s lucky. the wheels went either side of it and missed.” Yvonne smiled again and said ” I wonder if that’s the one I fed?”