Bring on the Strait Jacket.

I think my body and brain are officially at war. There’s a part of me ( the brain ) that thinks I should still be sixteen scratch that, twenty ( I don’t want to return to being sweet 16 and never been kissed) and the senile part of my brain (all) refuses to accept the realities of life despite all the signposts life puts in the way. For  instance, I see a pretty girl walk by, I turn to wolf whistle my appreciation and I fall over after having twisted my neck out of alignment and having tripped over my crutches. The only way I can catch a woman these days is if she’s behind me and I walk backwards. It helps if she’s myopic too in case anyone is listening to my prayers. I doubt that very much though since I can hear a dirty laugh in the background whenever I check my lottery. To be fair I’ve always said that I won’t forget my friends if I win. All of you would get a postcard from my cruise ship.

Anyway, as usual the senility is kicking in and I digress. I wanted to speak tonight ( this morning for all you pedants out there) about the need for people my age to be watched 24/7 by our children while they still stand the chance of an inheritance. I decided to come to an agreement with my brain. I’d let it go it’s own way in certain things as long as it left me some common sense and dignity at the end of each week. I don’t think it’s holding up it’s end of the deal. The family always knew my father in law to be a gadget man. Whatever the latest thing on the market was, he had to have it ( or as my daughter used to put it….But I neeeeed it ). It’s just occurred to me how much I’ve stepped into his role.

When I’m taken out (allowed out it should be) anywhere, one of the things I enjoy most is to stop for a latte. Yes, when I’m outside I do realise it’s just a glorified milky coffee, but I like it. What if I could have this at home I thought. Enter my old friend ebay and my deadly enemy the credit card. ( It’s not my fault, my daughter should hold it !). “Why get a machine that just does latte?” my enfeebled brain asked ” when you can supply drinks of all varieties for your visitors.” This made perfect sense and of course as a gentleman I should offer my guests the best I can.  That terrible little temptress ebay gave me some ideas and I liked the look of the Tassimo machine model T40 which has a drink for every occasion (OK pedants, you’re starting to annoy me now, NO there is no communion wine button). Nearly every occasion. I could see that the usual price is round the £100.00 mark but as an embittered veteran of the ‘War of the Last Ten Seconds’ I knew I’d not be paying anything like that for it. First decision new or used? Definitely new I think. I set to work saving the best in my ‘Watch list’. Two days later I’d already lost two thanks to the tactics of some even more embittered veterans but I hadn’t given up hope.

Day three brought success, probably because no-one else was stupid enough to be on at 3.am. But, I paid £41.00 for it and £10.00 postage. Almost 50% of the list price. I was noticeably pleased with myself. I hadn’t noticed that I’d left details of the address my last purchase ( a gift) was to go to on paypal and as the expected arrival date came and went with no delivery I was gloomy. Still, I managed to get it back from it’s destination and corrected paypal for the future. So it’s here, I can’t wait ! Of course I hadn’t given any thought to the pods at this point so today it was time for the weekly shop.

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The New Toy.

 

 

 

 

In a large Supermarket ( I’ll name them in exchange for sponsorship) I bought some different coffee pods and some chocolate pods. I couldn’t find any tea but there’s always ebay. Back home again I didn’t want to go through the routine of filling the new machine four times in order to let the water run through the system before being able to make a drink. That can be a pleasure for tomorrow and I’ll be able to enjoy the trial run myself before hosting open house to supply drinks to the neighbourhood. There’s time enough to do a search. YES, ebay has tea bags and they’re only £2.95, but hang on, there’s £1.99 p & p which makes them dearer than the shops, ah, but not if I buy three packs as they only charge for one postage. Brilliant that’ss just short of £11.00 for three packs making them cheaper than the shops. Click, ordered and paid.

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The problem is that now the last remaining working synapses of my brain are kicking in. The tea I ordered has 8 pods in. With it’s own postage it works out I’m going to be paying 50p for a cup of tea using my own electricity, water, milk and sugar?? It’s only around £1.00 for 80 teabags to put in a teapot. Some of the coffees have 16 pods and the chocolate 8 and they’re around £4.00 a pack. I only know coffee drinkers and they only have Americanos except me. What am I doing? In exasperation I tell my enfeebled brain that it’s never having this kind of freedom again. I hear a dirty snigger and am sent to the pantry where I discover the Senseo system with it’s coffee bags and a little coffee maker for ground coffee. Duh!! Betrayed by my own body.

So children, I implore you to take a firm hand on the reins when your parents reach my age or there’ll be nothing left. And when you start approaching 40 ( I’m not saying from which direction) start training your own children up and hand over your credit card just in case. If you don’t, well that pantry is going to be damned difficult to empty when I’m gone. Still, I’ll be gone so why should I worry. Where’s ebay, I just heard about a great toasted sandwich maker……….

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64 Comments

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64 responses to “Bring on the Strait Jacket.

  1. lmao – oh dear…. I inherited Mum’s espresso maker, which she hardly ever used. It now sits in /my/ pantry, hardly ever used because… I’d rather go out for a latte!

    You do realise you’re going to have to use that coffee maker thingie until you’ve recouped the cost? MWAHAHAHAHAHA!

  2. So funny! This is a total manpost for sure. It is your money, don’t fuss about inheritance. They will do fine without your pennypinching. Enjoy yourself. And I would be honored to get a postcard knowing that you are living it up with your lottery money!
    My husband is worse then you, so feel good about that. I have every gadget known to man. He buys stuff that we never use, use until the novelty wears off, or use inconsistently. I have a rotisserie that we used for about 2 months 15 years ago, a toaster oven that he just got –still unused, a breadmaker–still unused, a dehydrator–used for one year, a coffee bean roaster–was in use until recently, a pressure cooker–used for one year, but got an amazing jam out of it that I am still eating so I forgive him for that. And let’s not forget the baby crockpot to make his homemade concoctions like deodorant. My credit card bills are horrendous. 95% him. I will fall down dead at work, no retirement ever for me. Grrr……
    Latte’s are wonderful. But calorie heavy. Of course you Welsh get to walk a lot more then we do, so you can afford to imbibe. But if this is your love, splurge a couple times a week using the expensive stuff in your new coffeemaker. It is still probably cheaper then buying out. And you know that it is your hair and germs and not some 18 year old who just wiped their nose. Plus you know the date of the milk just placed in the coffee. I buy organic green coffee beans and roast them, although no time recently so I have been buying regular beans from the store. Hugs to you!

    • Oh, Oh, I’ve got one of those oven things you can do the whole dinner at once ( works by infusing with infra red??)in the cupboard, used twice after Ju got me to buy it. Gadgets aren’t just a man thing.Well, sometimes anyway. It sounds like your wonderful husband is just concerned with making his lovely wife’s life easier.What the heck is a dehydrator? and remember this is a family column please.ha ha
      Huge Hugs xxx

  3. If you are Amazon Prime, yearly fee, don’t make me do math, you get free shipping, but not in 100% of the cases. But most. And stuff like Olay and J. R. Watkins can be found at much less cost than stores.

    Someone said you can sell anything on the Internet if you offer free shipping.

    • Probably very true Virginia. I was bidding on a coin case this week (what do you mean ‘Who needs a coin case’?) but withdrew after it started going for more than you can get the things on the High Street. Some people obviously have no self control.
      I’m not an Amazon Prime member as I rarely buy from there but you’ve got me interested now, what’s J.R.Watkins though and do I need it?
      xxx Big Hugs xxx

  4. We discovered these pods (Keurig) in our hotel in Rome in 2010. We thought they were brilliant! Hubby has purchased one for his office. He can make himself good coffee, and not be poisoned by the scary office coffee maker (or the gossip around it). Of course, our son, who works at a very exclusive coffee brewery in Vancouver puts up his nose, but he puts up his nose at most things enjoyed by the general population.

    Enjoy your little cafe!

    • Oh I haven’t heard of that Shawn. I’ll have to check out ebay later. Purely in the interests of knowledge of course since there’s no more room in the pantry…….though maybe it could sit on a work surface?
      xxx Hugs galore xxx

  5. Martine Kaufman

    Oh did I laugh David. Lauries Nespresso machine is his pride and joy. If he is not at home Starbucks, Neros and Costa know him well. As for inheritance, well we are already spending our children’s on cruises. I am sure he must have shares in eBay by now, and our dustbin is full of coffee pods.

    Smell the coffee David, give the hugs virtual and in real life, and we will go on sending them back to you x

    • Nespresso eh? Another one I need to check out. I’m getting a real education this morning. Good for you both, keep spending until they take away your cards and start tying those sleeves behind your back.
      Laurie must be the joint owner of ebay with me. I just checked and was shocked to find I’ve made 756 purchases since I started ( last week) but at least I have 100% record..
      Thanks for the hugs Martine, they’re appreciated. I hope you’re not just trying to keep my hands occupied?
      Huge Hugs to you. xxxx

  6. I prefer to let and expert do the job much better than I and go to the best ones around – nothing like a good barrista !!!! and a good flat white either….

  7. If only I had known about your nocturnal shopping habits! Yes, that machine looks fantastic but alas your pockets will now be emptying to keep up with the pricey pods you will need to buy! The good thing in all this is that you have admitted your weakness 🙂 Now, put the credit card away and I’ll have a one shot skinny latte once you’ve got it up and running….I’ll even bring some dark chocolate ginger biscuits.

    • Awww Magic, you certainly know my weak spot don’t you. BTW, the best dark chocolate ginger biscuits are made by Border.Just thought I’d mention it in case they have a wagon passing by…..
      The credit card is away now though it might be nice to look for a pod holder a little later maybe.
      Sending Hugs xxxxxxxxxxxxx

      • We are seriously in love with Borders biscuits in this house – but only the white chocolate and cranberry covered variety. Are you near Fleur? My friend lives there – left us all behind in Scotland and married a Welshman 🙂

      • White chocolate????? You haven’t lived. The dark choc gingers are sublime. If Fleur is the small village in South Wales then I’m not near there I’m afraid, though oddly enough it’s quite close to where my father came from. Your friend has good taste in choosing a Welshman, he can sing her to sleep ! If you look at a map of the West coast of the UK and pass through the forbidden territories of England, you’ll find me just past Flint in a little village called Greenfield.
        Sending Hugs. xxxxx

  8. Brilliant, David! I have one of those infra red oven things, (at the back of a cupboard.) Bought it before we had a proper kitchen in this house, thinking it would meet all my culinary requirements ~ but it’s lethal!!! The lid’s too heavy to lift, you can’t put it down anywhere and it gets hotter than hell. Also the infernal device is rubbish at cooking anything.
    I also have a dehydrator ~ out in the workshop, with a cushion on it, so the cat has somewhere to shelter from the British Summer. But we use the sandwich toasting grill all the time ~ go for it! 😉

    • Ah, a kindred spirit Jacqueline. I found the infra -red beast to tell fibs since the box doesn’t indicate that each item making up the Sunday lunch has to be wrapped separately inside the machine. The toaster is a boon sometimes when I can’t think of anything to eat. I just bung an egg inside my bread and salt the bread as it comes out. It’s like fried bread, delicious.
      I’m not sure the infra-red will ver see the light of day again……
      Massive Hugs xxxxxxx

  9. Brilliant article, it had me laughing so hard my mate thought I’d had an accident and came rushing into the study expecting to find me under a bookcase and books scattered around that SHE would have to re-stack 🙂

  10. Oh, you made me laugh!

    I have a feeling I am going to be the death of my son in very similar ways. He already thinks I’m a bit batty, and he’s only 12!

    • I’m not sure he’s ready to relieve you of your credit card yet though or there may be more games and less food entering the house. Anyway, he won’t really know ‘Batty’ until he’s a teenager when they know everything.
      Sending Huge Hugs. xxxx

      • Oh no, he’ll allow me to have the credit card until he’s old enough to pat me on the head and attempt tell me what’s good for me (which will be never, but he doesn’t know that yet!). Looking forward to the teens… ! 🙂

      • I think you may keep the credit card only until the gifts you buy stop making sense. If you’re still buying socks with today’s pop group on when he’s 30 that pat on the head might come sooner.By the time I was 40 I thought I was a dog.
        You’re looking forward to the teens???!!!!! Those years of rebellion and arguments you don’t even know you’ve had. Those years of first kisses and break-ups either he-or she- just can’t understand, and the years where any girl he brings home will not be the one you were hoping to meet. These are going to be verrrrry long years for you poor Katie. At the end of this you may be admitting yourself to a home rather than wait for him to do it. Hide the credit card now and leave yourself a note where to find it.
        Actually the teen years can be fun as long as we’re not the ones living them, but don’t count on him regarding our twilight years in the same way for is it not written somewhere that our children will never understand our purchases and will wish to return them for a credit note.
        Sending Huge Hugs. xxxxxxxx

  11. #NoteToSelf: When glum and blue, go read ANY of David’s blog entries, and-all attached commentary…
    Oh, how you, (and your ‘pendants’) make me laugh, my friend! And, what do you mean, ‘no communion wine button’?!? I do believe, you’ve been ripped-off, ‘Sir’. (I jest…)
    I’ll stick with my Mr. Coffee machine, thank you, very much… But-if I’m ever ‘across the pond’, I’ll know where to come for a ‘good’ coffee.
    Guffawing heartily in America..
    Eric

    • What a great message to open first thing on a Monday morning. It’s given me a brilliant start to the week Eric. Of course you’re quite right, I was ripped off. Thhe machine doesn’t do many more drinks than it actually does but they don’t mention that inn the adverts. For instance it can’t mix cocktails either. Now I look at it in the cold light of day, it’s actually limited to just a few drinks, a dozen at most.
      If you make a trip across the pond you’d be welcome to a coffee though you might just find me either in the poor house by then or deposited in a home for Incurable Shopaholics by my daughter as she tries to hold onto the last vestiges of her inheritance before I drink it all away.
      Have a good week and a Great 4th July.

  12. I think Meeka and I agree that growing old is one one those things you can’t avoid but preferably disgracefully, and without growing up… so you’re in good company.
    Coffee, as far as I’m concerned is necessary for happiness and well, mental health… the opinion about physical health is still up for auction amongst pay-for-say nutitionism scientists.
    We’ve had a Jura pour-in-the-beans-press-a-button coffee machine for 3 years now. If the apartment caught on fire, it’s the first thing we’d save. When we go to our house at Taylors Arm, it comes along in its box, on the back seat strapped in with a seatbelt. After all it’s a valued member of the family.
    I drink black coffee only but the G.O. has the best of both worlds, drinking black at home and a cappucino when out… we don’t bother with milk or the frother at home.
    Shopping, other than blogging is my favourite thing to do online. Otherwise we’d get no snail mail. And you’re keeping the postman in a job.
    When the pantry gets too full, you can always take it that one step further and sell the excess items… and thereby fulfil the the cunning underlying premise of Ebay 🙂

    • Oh how few people talk sense any more Ella ( that Meeka never does, she’s always cackling at me too much). You’ve brought the standard up a bit today. Why did I never think to use the Happiness and Mental Health card in my arguments? It just shows how far downhill I’m backsliding these days.Maybe my first drink from the machine will see my road to recovery start.
      I’m surprised to confess to just black coffee in public as surely that limits your purchases unless of course you use the ‘visitors’ excuse like I do.I could have been in trouble had I admitted that I prefer tea had it not been for that, especially since this wonder machine does tea at about the same price as a gallon of petrol.
      One more thing I noticed that obviously my ‘shopping glazed’ eyes missed before is that some packs contain 16 pods but only make 8 drinks as they contain milk pods. Me and my rose tinted glasses ( and not the ones I drink out of either).Now I need to get a second mortgage to buy a twisted coathanger that holds the pods until you use them.
      Maybe you’re right and I should become an ebay seller too ! I wonder if that’s addictive?
      Sending you Monday morning Hugs. xxxx

  13. LOL. I had a similar experience when I switched from a french press to “The scoop” coffee maker. I went from using 2 scoops of coffee grounds for 4 cups for 4 cups of coffee to one scoop per cup. It adds up in coffee beans.

    • It must do. I can only hope that buying the beans is a lot cheaper than buying the grounds. My daughter just rolled her eyes tonight when she heard I had tea pods on order though I felt obliged to brazen it out in case she caught me admitting I’m wrong. That’s a sure path to a care facility…… xxx Huge Hugs xxx

  14. Im actually avoiding buying one….lethal lol

    xx

    • Oh Dear. I had another delivery of pods from ebay this morning and I still haven’t bought any Latte ! I’m thinking nearly £4.00 for 8 cups of tea puts me in the ‘Needs his head testing’ category. I hope you’re a bit more sensible than that. Maybe if you situate the machine next to your computer the caffeine will keep you writing all night.
      xxx Hugs xxx

      • Ha ha ha….noooooo, I’m NOT getting one *she says as she flicks through the machines on eBay* 😉

        Xx

      • So you’ve no sense of adventure then and can’t be harnessed by the allure of just pushing a button and waiting for the drink to arrive. Wait a minute, that’s not much different than switching a kettle on is it? Oh well, bang goes the commission again, back to the bread and dripping.
        xxx Hugs Galore xxx

      • Ha ha ha, stop! I’m NOT buying one….well, ok, I guess I could put it on my Christmas list and see if Santa brings me one 😉

        Xx

      • Great idea, just as long as you don’t let my white beard fool you. It’s worry caused that, I’m not really Santa. xxx Hugs xxx

  15. OH NO no no no no NO NO … my children will NEVER CATCH ME.. and I want that machine!

  16. LadyBlueRose's Thoughts Into Words

    ahhh This is why I have no credit cards LOLs..
    you have made my day Sir…! I so enjoyed your trips abroad on ebay….
    the internet has made the world so much closer….I travel to exotic countries, do things I would never have been able to do….
    though I don’t like shopping in the mundane life, I have enjoyed the window shopping in the virtual life….
    when I go out and about, I like the latte as a treat to watch the world in all its colors!and some need those straight jackets…BUT not you! for how would we read your wonderful Tales..a true Bard you are…
    Thank you for sharing your day….
    Take Care…
    )0(
    ladyblue

    • You are most gracious and kind Ladyblue. Such a shame a wordsmith like yourself should find her credit cards confiscated. Be assured, if they don’t return them I can at leastr supply the lattes for you to carry on watching the World go by hough I’m sure the surroundings won’t be as exotic as your own. xxx Hugs xxx

      • LadyBlueRose's Thoughts Into Words

        oh no they weren’t confiscated..when I got out of the Army, I decided it was way to easy to spend money I didn’t have…so I “poofed” them …
        later my identity was stolen and whoever Susan is she had a hell of a run with my credit…so now I will never have another..
        BUT…please I will except your offers of latte’s with gratitude! and pleasure!…
        Hugs back to you…!
        on a quick break from watering gardens…
        sometimes I think weeds and grass would be easier LOLs
        Take Care
        )0(
        ladyblue

  17. Oh David, one of these days you’re going to make me choke with laughter! But…it will be worth it 🙂
    I did the same with a waffle machine that’s now gathering dust somewhere in my kitchen…

    Many hugs!

    • It’s time to get selling on ebay Renata. Just think of the space you’ll create for the next thing you’ll buy that has no practical use except to empty your purse. I tried looking in the pantry for my first-aid kit yesterday. I came across redundant dish drainers(???) unused pan stands and a veg/fruit trolley with 3 baskets containing alien, octopus armed potatoes that I was forced to sing Happy Birthday to. I founds a box of light bulbs and hair trimmer ( who was that shouted “Use it”?) as well as some ancient icing sugar that must have fallen off a shelf and had Best Before 12th Jan 1866 on the packet. I’m afraid to go deeper in case I end up in NARNIA. Oh, and I didn’t find the first aid box but I did cut my finger on a piece of broken glass.
      xxx Massive Hugs xxx

  18. Bee

    I have read your blog and looked around I love reading. Please accept this award http://barbmca.wordpress.com/2013/07/06/very-inspiring-blogger-award/

  19. What a great blog you’ve got going here. I love the wit in this post. You are brave to move into coffee makers. And you are right, you should charge for advertising these brands.

    • Thanks so much Niamh. That’s high praise indeed coming from someone who blogs like you do. Moving into coffee/tea makers is natural progression for an idle swine like me, It saves having to move a spoon from coffee jar to cup any more. I won’t risk asking for advertsiing commission in case I get sued for bringing their brands into disrepute.
      Huge Hugs to you. xxxx

  20. I thoroughly enjoyed this, David! Thanks for posting. 🙂

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