I think my body and brain are officially at war. There’s a part of me ( the brain ) that thinks I should still be
sixteen scratch that, twenty ( I don’t want to return to being sweet 16 and never been kissed) and the senile part of my brain (all) refuses to accept the realities of life despite all the signposts life puts in the way. For instance, I see a pretty girl walk by, I turn to wolf whistle my appreciation and I fall over after having twisted my neck out of alignment and having tripped over my crutches. The only way I can catch a woman these days is if she’s behind me and I walk backwards. It helps if she’s myopic too in case anyone is listening to my prayers. I doubt that very much though since I can hear a dirty laugh in the background whenever I check my lottery. To be fair I’ve always said that I won’t forget my friends if I win. All of you would get a postcard from my cruise ship.
Anyway, as usual the senility is kicking in and I digress. I wanted to speak tonight ( this morning for all you pedants out there) about the need for people my age to be watched 24/7 by our children while they still stand the chance of an inheritance. I decided to come to an agreement with my brain. I’d let it go it’s own way in certain things as long as it left me some common sense and dignity at the end of each week. I don’t think it’s holding up it’s end of the deal. The family always knew my father in law to be a gadget man. Whatever the latest thing on the market was, he had to have it ( or as my daughter used to put it….But I neeeeed it ). It’s just occurred to me how much I’ve stepped into his role.
When I’m taken out (allowed out it should be) anywhere, one of the things I enjoy most is to stop for a latte. Yes, when I’m outside I do realise it’s just a glorified milky coffee, but I like it. What if I could have this at home I thought. Enter my old friend ebay and my deadly enemy the credit card. ( It’s not my fault, my daughter should hold it !). “Why get a machine that just does latte?” my enfeebled brain asked ” when you can supply drinks of all varieties for your visitors.” This made perfect sense and of course as a gentleman I should offer my guests the best I can. That terrible little temptress ebay gave me some ideas and I liked the look of the Tassimo machine model T40 which has a drink for
every occasion (OK pedants, you’re starting to annoy me now, NO there is no communion wine button). Nearly every occasion. I could see that the usual price is round the £100.00 mark but as an embittered veteran of the ‘War of the Last Ten Seconds’ I knew I’d not be paying anything like that for it. First decision new or used? Definitely new I think. I set to work saving the best in my ‘Watch list’. Two days later I’d already lost two thanks to the tactics of some even more embittered veterans but I hadn’t given up hope.
Day three brought success, probably because no-one else was stupid enough to be on at 3.am. But, I paid £41.00 for it and £10.00 postage. Almost 50% of the list price. I was noticeably pleased with myself. I hadn’t noticed that I’d left details of the address my last purchase ( a gift) was to go to on paypal and as the expected arrival date came and went with no delivery I was gloomy. Still, I managed to get it back from it’s destination and corrected paypal for the future. So it’s here, I can’t wait ! Of course I hadn’t given any thought to the pods at this point so today it was time for the weekly shop.
The New Toy.
In a large Supermarket ( I’ll name them in exchange for sponsorship) I bought some different coffee pods and some chocolate pods. I couldn’t find any tea but there’s always ebay. Back home again I didn’t want to go through the routine of filling the new machine four times in order to let the water run through the system before being able to make a drink. That can be a pleasure for tomorrow and I’ll be able to enjoy the trial run myself before hosting open house to supply drinks to the neighbourhood. There’s time enough to do a search. YES, ebay has tea bags and they’re only £2.95, but hang on, there’s £1.99 p & p which makes them dearer than the shops, ah, but not if I buy three packs as they only charge for one postage. Brilliant that’ss just short of £11.00 for three packs making them cheaper than the shops. Click, ordered and paid.
The problem is that now the last remaining working synapses of my brain are kicking in. The tea I ordered has 8 pods in. With it’s own postage it works out I’m going to be paying 50p for a cup of tea using my own electricity, water, milk and sugar?? It’s only around £1.00 for 80 teabags to put in a teapot. Some of the coffees have 16 pods and the chocolate 8 and they’re around £4.00 a pack. I only know coffee drinkers and they only have Americanos except me. What am I doing? In exasperation I tell my enfeebled brain that it’s never having this kind of freedom again. I hear a dirty snigger and am sent to the pantry where I discover the Senseo system with it’s coffee bags and a little coffee maker for ground coffee. Duh!! Betrayed by my own body.
So children, I implore you to take a firm hand on the reins when your parents reach my age or there’ll be nothing left. And when you start approaching 40 ( I’m not saying from which direction) start training your own children up and hand over your credit card just in case. If you don’t, well that pantry is going to be damned difficult to empty when I’m gone. Still, I’ll be gone so why should I worry. Where’s ebay, I just heard about a great toasted sandwich maker……….