Malapropisms, Prosserisms and the little mnemonics of life & Unmissable Offers.

Are you sitting comfortably? Then I’ll begin.

Sometimes life pays tricks on us. It gives us a perfect sense of direction , so good that my wife used to refer to me as DaveDave ( the only person ever to get away with shortening my name) because she didn’t need a TomTom after I’d been somewhere once. I was always proud of my memory and the fact I could get a woman who could lose her way at the end of the driveway home over hundreds of miles. But along with this perfect memory for directions I was given a certain playfulness with certain names and/or places, a method of mnemonics that never bore fruit with the tricks of age before I was old enough to use them as an excuse.

Sometimes what I referred to as playfulness could lead to trouble, usually for me. For instance the lead singer of the 80’s group ‘Aha’ was Morton Harket  which lent itself so well to being Horton Market. Get the idea? Well, I enjoyed the song  ‘A good Heart’ by Feargal Sharkey……yes you can almost see where this is going can’t you. It soon became Sheargal Farkey and I was in the habit of calling him that all the time. One day I got a phone call at home ( back in the days when I answered that instrument of the devil). “Hi Daddy” said Yvonne, ” you know that record you love A god heart is  hard to find, who did it?” “Shearg  Feargal Sharkey ” I answered. “Oh no, I just told ****** that my Dad knows so much about pop music and its Sheargal Farkey, he laughed at me. I said I’d prove it.” “Sorry Darling ” I told her ” you’ll just have to say your Dad’s an ass and was playing games with you.” The phone went quiet for a moment before a little voice said ” I don’t think I  can ever trust anything you say again if he breaks up with me.”

We had a local shop where we lived. It was such a small place that the shop was a conversion of someone’s front room with the addition of a counter. I know it was named after the woman who ran it and a lovely lady she was. But whenever anyone told me the name it automatically leaked out of my memory. The family used to roll on the floor laughing if I asked anyone to go there for sweets.( well they would have if we’d been able to afford floors in those days). It was referred to as Laura’s Larder, Pam’s Pantry, Katie’s Kitchen and anything else that came to mind. To this day I have no idea of what it really was.

Of recent times I was trying to ask Ugo if he knew of a particular singer. I’d heard a bit of a song and quite liked it. I’d described the man and then using my fabulous mnemonic system given him the name Little Tantrum. Ugo just looked at me blank and I was surprised I knew of someone he didn’t of what I imagined would be his music scene. I could hear Yvonne stifling laughter and thought she’s surprised Ugo doesn’t know it too. At least until she burst out laughing and told me what a fool I am. The singer is called Tiny Tempah. I’d have thought my name a big enough clue and close enough.

Ju’s favourite one to tell people ( no-one realises just what I had to put up with- evil woman) was as the result of a TV quiz where the question had been along he lines of ‘Which Dept deals with Tax Credit awards?’ I like quizzes and quick as a flash answered “Customs and Exercise” instead of Customs and Excise. She dines out on that one for years and wouldn’t accept it was just a little bit too much enthusiasm where the brake on my mouth was released before my brain was properly in gear.

The reason I came up with this blog as a subject tonight was the unbelievable stupidity of my l’il brother Mike. The subject of a trip to the South of France came up last weekend and he immediately said ” Oh yes, you’ve always wanted to see where your Cathetereers came from haven’t you!” Actually I’ve always wanted to go there because I’m interested in the history of the Cathars. I’m not the least interested in tubes for passing urine from the body. How do people make such silly mistakes?

Urinary_catheter

The History of the Cathars?

 

 

 

 

 

 

I may not be here to blog again in the future thanks to a few strokes of good luck. ( stop cheering at the back there). I’m going to share with you one of the letters I’ve had…..

OFFICIAL LETTER FROM FEDERAL BUREAU OF INVESTIGATION FBI
EXECUTIVE DIRECTOR FBI FEDERAL BUREAU OF INVESTIGATION
FBI.WASHINGTON DC.
ROBERT MUELLER III.
FBI SEEKING TO WIRETAP INTERNET
Website: http://www.fbi.gov/

ATTENTION:FUND BENEFICIARY,

The Federal Bureau of investigation (FBI) through our intelligence monitoring network have discovered that the transaction that the bank contacted you 
previously for was legal. Recently the fund has been legally approved to be paid via Central Bank of Nigeria.The Federal Bureau of investigation (FBI) Washington Dc.in conjunction with the United Nations (UN) financial department have investigated through our monitoring network noting you that your transaction with the Central Bank of Nigeria is legal.

You have the legitimate right to complete your transaction to claim your fund valued at $5.5 (Five Million, Five Hundred Thousand United State Dollars) Only,Because of so much scam going on internet,The Federal Bureau of investigation have decided to contact the FedEx Courier Service Company in Lagos, Nigeria for them to give us their procedures on how to send this money to you without any further complain or delay. We just got an information from the Central Bank informing us that; they have loaded your $5.5 (Five Million Five Hundred Thousand United State Dollars) in an ATM MASTER CARD and submit to the FedEx courier service company for immediate delivery to your doorstep.

You are required to choose one option, which you will be able to pay and also convenient for you, for quick delivery of your parcel containing your ATM CARD and other two original back up documents.

Service Type | Delivery Duration | Charges/Fees:
===============================================
Premium Express (24hrs Delivery)
Mailing $100.00 00.00
Insurance $150.00 00.00
Vat $50.00 00.00
TOTAL $300.00
========================
Special Express (1 Day)
Mailing $80.00 00.00
Insurance $100.00 00.00
Vat $50.00 00.00
TOTAL $230.00 00.00
=========================
Economy Express (3Days)
Mailing $70.00 00.00
Insurance$? 80.00 00.00
Vat (5%) $50.00 00.00
TOTAL $200.00 00.00
=========================

You are hereby required to advise us, on your parcel delivery option by filling in the required form stated above. Please note that the deadline for claiming your fund is exactly one week after the receipt of this email. After this period, your fund/ATM CARD would be returned back,so take note.
Moreover, this is some tracking number of beneficiaries that received their payment through us and via FedEx website (http://www.fedex.com/)
As if this isn't enough. I've also had a Nigerian lady contact me to say she's dying and wants her young son's fortune to be taken care of, can she send me Two and a half million pounds to ensure his future in my care. I was particularly sorry for this bitch woman as she claimed to be dying of the 
same evil cancer that took my Ju away.

In a strange twist of fate I've had a proposal of marriage from a girl who's parents have died and left many millions in bank accounts in this country but she can't access them with out a national's help. I don't know whether she knows the crooked bank manager who has inadvertently come into  possession  of 50 million pounds but as a bank employee can't claim it. He can however transfer it to my account if I promise to give him half.
Life is just a bunch of roses and I don't know how I got so lucky......On second thoughts, I'd miss my friends and the ones I just like annoying so I'll have to turn them all down and stay with you.....SORRY. XX
MILLION POUNDS



                                                                                          My Pocket Money.
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43 Comments

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43 responses to “Malapropisms, Prosserisms and the little mnemonics of life & Unmissable Offers.

  1. lmao – you so had me going there! So now the FBI is in on the act as well. Priceless. 😀

    • Who’da thought the FBI would be trying to con me? ha ha. These people try every way they can and seem to take our stupidity for granted. xxx Huge Hugs xxx

      • Stupidity or cupidity. I admit the first time I received one of those emails my heart did give a little skip. Luckily my bullshit sensor came on soon after and I deleted it. But I did wonder whether I’d just passed up the opportunity of a lifetime. Then I started reading about how this was a scam and felt better. 🙂

      • I just wonder how they manage to pick their ‘victims’. With one choosing to have a cancer they must have known the history of my blog, but how did all the others know I’m a greedy beggar.I’ve only just got over the spate of fortune tellers sending me mail about the fortune they know I’m going to get.If that were true surely I don’t need to pay them, just sit and wait for it to happen. The one I offered to pay out of the winnings she was going to help me get seemed less than impressed with the idea. xxx Hugs Galore xxx

      • lol – perhaps there some kind of digital ESP?

      • If there is, I hope there’s a cream for it. Sounds itchy. xxx Hugs xxx

      • lmao – eKalamine lotion?

  2. Yeah. You call me Victoria kind of a lot. But I write it off as a whimsical quirk. Glad to have that diagnosis reinforced.

    On my way now to read about the Cathars and they damn well better exist. I need to know if they created catharsis and why.

    • I thought it might be less offensive than sighing everytime I saw you and calling you ‘Beautiful’ but I’m happy to call you anything you prefer.
      The Cathars certainly existed but you won’t get Catharsis there I don’t think.
      xxx Massive Hugs xxx

  3. So you are one of THOSE. I shall not belief a wordle you say anymores.

  4. No wonder you are such a committed shopper, people are always sending you huge amounts of money! So lucky. I found out last night I had won two and a half million pounds (probably about five billion Aussie dollars then… ). Sadly the message notifying me was deleted before I could send them all of my banking details. My chance of a life of luxury was lost…….. 😉

    I remember some time ago an Australian woman was in court for being involved in an online scam. The reason she was in court wasn’t because she had scammed her countrymen, although she had, it was because she had managed to rip off those overseas using her as a go-between and they were trying to get their money back! The press reported this with delight and we were all pretty impressed when she managed to walk free without charge. 🙂

    • Yes, well you have to get rid of it somehow to help the economy. I’m so sorry you missed your chance at all that money because of a deletion- one of your fingers working on it’s own maybe? Perhaps the chance will arise again from another source. Strange how many millions are available from Nigeria isn’t it.
      How a scammer can walk free from court is beyond me but considering some of the things they put in their messages they’re not short of ready story.( by which I mean a blatant lie).
      Hope you and the family are well and over the disappointment of missing a World Cruise.
      Massive Hugs xxxx

  5. David, you should turn this one into a TV series!

    • If you mean the latter half Teagan I can’t afford to film in Nigeria. If you mean the first half, who’d believe anyone was that barmy?
      xxx Sending Huge Hugs xxxx

  6. Oh, David, best post ever!! I suffer (or better saying, LOVE being able to) the same thing. I’ve always wanted that twisted gift of mine to bring me some cash, but it amuses me a lot. I can’t say for sure how other people feel about it, but I choose to believe they enjoy it as mush as I do (probably not) :D. I love to mix names and sentences up and it really helps me remember things. Sometimes I keep doing it for hours with everything I see or hear, laughing at my own creativity… Now I can see why I’m usually the only one laughing after one or two times… 😉

    About your proposals… Oh boy, and here was I thinking how special I must be for these people to choose me with all other people in the world to give their money to… :/

    • Thanks so much Sweetie. I’m glad I know a fellow sufferer or one who makes another fellow suffer. Maybe on your blog you can tell us how you’ve mauled and mispronounced / misremembered language in the past or even how you’ve mangled someone else’s memory with it.
      As for the proposals, I wonder if we should both go look in the mirror and see if we have GUM printed on our foreheads and maybe that’ll explain why we’re the target of these Creepy Cons.
      Huge Hugs to you both xxxxxx

  7. Reallt laughing! I needed this today! The Prosserisms are definitely meet!

    • I’m so glad I was able to please you Niamh. Especially if this was a day you needed a laugh. Always glad to be of service even if it’s only by proving what a fool I am.
      Massive Hugs to you. xx

  8. LOL! (nothing more to add to that!)

  9. CJ

    When all the social networking trends started I was stubborn about ignoring the various sites. I told my daughters how ridiculous people were behaving and that I planned to remain out of the loop ON PURPOSE, and that I wouldn’t care who did what on “MYFACE” and “SPACEBOOK”…lol.
    Nice article.

    • Thanks a lot CJ. I confess I use Facebook to post things of interest ( at least to me) rather than chit chat, but at least i keeps the kids happy. But on my own Blog…well, I can behave as I like and play with adults. xxx Huge Hugs xxx

      • CJ

        Well, as with everything technically gadgeted, I too have succumbed to the Spacebook networking stuff. I tried to, I tried to hide! No way to escape texts and tweets and friend-request frenzies! Ackkkk!

      • Actually, (Shhhh, don’t tell anyone) but there is.On Facebook at least you can now be hidden. You can nip in and out doing what you have to do with messages without anyone catching you.I’m permanently hidden even when my camouflage clothing is in the wash now. xx Hugs xx

      • CJ

        Yeah, so am I..I am pretty privacy savvy, lol.

  10. I think you may be related, or nearly, to a man I once worked for… he had pet names for many colleagues… Martijn was Mar-Pain, Gina L. was Gina Lasagne… all very good until we had to deal with the real world… as I think Yvonne experienced – hilarious all the same. I empathise with Yvonne, close enough is good enough if it’s my Dad doling out details.
    My Spam mail is full of You’ve Won, Offer, Dear Beneficiary and Hello My Good Friend… unfortunately I just don’t have time to respond and am missing out on all the wonderful opportunities just waiting for my bank account details to open them up 🙂

    • Erm, and since when has close enough is good enough not been enough for you youngsters? Don’t you realise you’re taxing th brains of us oldies expecting us to remember every little detail just because it’s right.
      Oh dear, Oh dear. How many millions have you flushed down the loo not responding to these generous offers. Tut Tut, these people take the trouble to write to you to. Sigh.
      xxx Huge Hugs xxx

  11. Food Stories

    My husband has a way of doing the mnemonic thing too 🙂

    • With a lot more success and a lot less being laughed at than me I hope. Honestly, you try to have a sensible conversation with your kids sometimes…… xxx Hugs xxx

  12. Catherine Johnson

    That is so fun! I used to be a huge fan of Aha and Morten Harket 🙂
    Those annoying spammers aaargh!

    • Yes, they were quite a bouncy little group weren’t they. The spammer have almost defeated me today. I had to buy a malware programme because some of the spam is infected- probably on purpose and I’ve been getting search engines I don’t want and annoying adverts. I’ve been from Google Chrome to IE to Firefox and back to Google Chrome again trying to get rid. xxx Sending Big Hugs to you . xxx

  13. This is quirky, smart, and so much fun!

  14. Highly enjoyable! My husband Ron sometimes plays around with names in this way, too. 🙂

  15. Ah I see you are simply too funny. I forget names as soon as I hear them. The twists wouldn’t work… I’d forget those too, lol. Alas, I’m forced to live in a world with nameless people.
    I see your wife suffered with the same malady that I have – it has a name… geographical dyslexia – really! Look it up! I’m fine as long as I’m going straight, but once I turn a corner, I’m lost.
    Fortunately, my husband too can find his way out of a paper bag 🙂 Also, Trixie, my angel in gps form, can get me anywhere – what a great invention!
    By the way, if anyone actually lost their opportunity to gain a fortune via email from Nigeria (or wherever), I get them all the time. (I know, what a lucky girl!) I’d be glad to forego one and forward it to you – just send me your email, along with your bank account number, teehee.

    • You’re certainly no the only one to suffer that malady Susan. Sometimes I recognise a face though and that helps. But yesterday someone came to the door holding a bundle of newspaper and I pointed at the sign that said No Hawkers and said ” I don’t buy pegs at the door” only to get the reply ” Come on dad, your chips are getting cold.” I’m glad she thought I was playing a joke. I must get my glasses changed I think.
      Ju would have loved to have known she was geographically dyslexic but I don’t suppose it would have stopped us teasing her. I wonder how restrained your hubbie is.
      Which bank a/c number do you want me to send , the offshore one or the Swiss one?
      xxx Huge Hugs xxx

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