Hitting the Nail on the Head

Michael had been to Londinium yesterday to pick up a new ( to him ) car. By the time he’d travelled home to pack and then travelled up to see his L’il though taller bro’ it was around midnight. We chatted for a while over coffee and I listened to his tales of being a wheeler-dealer ( no wonder some call him Del Boy). It was getting late before I made my way through to finish my day’s emails. I know if I leave them, there are always over 100 by morning.

Somehow I managed to wake at about 5.45 am and went straight back into messages. Only 62 (YAY) and quite a few of those could be scrapped. I worked till 7 am then went through to turn the fish tank light on- we’ve already done the joke about me turning the fish on- take my assorted meds and make a coffee. Feeling especially generous of heart I didn’t wake Michael until 7.30 with a coffee. I was granted the usual grunt so I disappeared to get myself washed and dressed. By 7.45 I was startled to hear a voice ask me whether I was OK.  Startled because I usually have to wake him 3 times, tell him there are vestal virgins dancing nude on the lawn or revert to threats of water by the bucketful. Anyway, he’d awoken and was in a terrible mood, happy but full of biting sarcasm. Just about normal then really.

We normally have a routine for a Saturday which starts with me suggesting which store I’d like to do the shopping in and then me wiping the dripping sarcasm from his chin before we went out. Today was slightly different in that Michael suggested the shopping venue for a change because he wanted to visit a specific garage in Chester. I acquiesced and off we went. On the way I realised there was another store within reach that would be better for us because they stock a brand of unmentionable white sticks the other supermarket don’t stock. I was not to know this but it was my first major error of the day.

I apologise for this but I need to backtrack to a moment a couple of weeks ago. I was suffering major frustration with my computer ( thank you the person whose message from Twitter gave me a virus).  Alone in the house I was kneeling on the floor in my bare feet trying to disconnect the power line. When I eventually succeeded I struggled to my feet only to notice two large patches of blood on the floor which it seemed had leaked from the nail on the ‘index’ toe of each foot. I suppose in maintaining my balance I may have pressed too hard. The plasters were now off.

Back to the ‘Now’ of the tale. We reached the Supermarket and parked up. My blue badge gives us leave to park in disabled bays. I hobbled slowly in on my crutches , nice bright blue ones thanks to ebay. Michael put the bags on the trolley and the expedition was in motion. Strawberries from the fruit aisle and a reminder to pick up cream later in our journey. Potatoes, meat and round the corner to look for sausages. Having scored those it was some yoghurts and on to the pop for some Vimto and some lime juice. Cream, milk and other sundry items went in and then in was time for the cakes. As I pointed out some nice looking eclairs my snoring on his feet driver backed up. He moved to the side but the trolley didn’t and ran straight over my toe. Toe 4 on my right foot to be precise. All of a sudden no nail ! Yeeouch. I backed away at speed then stepped forward as Michael turned round in concern. s I did so, I walked straight into a trolley wheel. What are the odds I’d connect with the same toe? Whatever they are, I did.

Hobbling ahead to collect bread we then headed for the till when I managed to drop £40 on the floor much to the amusement f the young cashier. Deflated we made for the in store cafe for breakfast. My shaking hands ensured I had a bottle of orange to wash my sin down as Michael wouldn’t trust me to hold a coffee. Everything was washed down and somehow I’d remembered to take the appropriate tablets or he’d have made me eat again. We left and made for the garage where his business was concluded in less than a minute. If you knew how he talked you’d have expected me to have caught up on at least a quarter hour of sleep. As it was still early, not even 11 am yet he suggested we go to my daughters to see how the pregnancy progresseth. In view of the fact my prediction was for a birth yesterday, it progresseth not a lot. Yvonne is due around 15th really but I’m convinced he’s trying to dig his way out. At their house there’s mayhem as they try to prepare the place before the baby is born. Having moved not long ago there was a lot to do by way of decoration. That part is now done and the nursery is finished thanks to her husband Ugo, but we were just in time to help with a few odd jobs. I ‘volunteered’ to build a coffee table. It looked a simple job and there was only one drawer in it. I swear that the instructions would have defeated the codebreakers at Bletchley Park. I don’t know whether they were written in the dialect of a yak herder from Outer Mongolia but I’m sure the diagrams were drawn by the same cartoonist who drew Alfred Hitchcock’s head. ( For anybody under about 40 I’m sorry, maybe you can look it up on one of these phones I can’t get to grips with). Yvonne  joined me and started making the drawer as I started to put the sides together. Michael joined us and helped me. Two sides up we erected the braces between front and back which would also serve as drawer runners. Then it was time to fix them together. We stood them up and Michael asked ” Which one of these two is wrong?” of course he grinned when he asked. One of the side panels was on upside down. As he gripped it to get the dowels out and unscrew pieces he knocked the other side panel. Where did it land? I’ll allow you three guesses. Of course there was all the sympathy in the world with ” Don’t get blood on the wood.”

Eventually we left feeling proud of our donation. Heading back I swear I heard him snore as he took the wrong road and we ended up at a small shopping centre we didn’t know existed. Yes, we dropped in and got a few pieces before setting of on a magical mystery tour which took all of two minutes to get us on the road we wanted. One more stop on the road home and we had a coffee before completing the journey. Unpacked, groceries away and after a small interlude with my emails I made a meal. I passed Michael’s through on a tray and returned to the kitchen. There was a loud shout of ( **** rude word) and when I went in the plate looked like Mount Fuji. The top of the salt cellar had become detached and smothered the meal. Being of noble heart I passed my tray through and tried to get rid of as much salt from his meal as possible to make it edible. I managed to save quite a bit. I dished up the strawberries to follow.

In an effort to recover something from the day I waited for a suitable gap in TV programmes and asked Michael if he’d wash my hair. I have to point out that it’s not laziness on my part, I can’t easily raise my arms above my head without suffering angina. Also, he’s  a great hairwasher and knows what “Can you give my head a little scratch” means. So, down I knelt beside the shower cubicle with my head over the edge. I held the hose until he was ready to wet my hair and then while he washed it. After rinsing he dropped the hose inside the cubicle. Great, up surged a jet of spray straight into my face and fountained over my head. I grabbed it back under control as I gasped for breath.He did the second was and rinse with me maintaining a strong grip after which he helped me to my feet and I put the hose back where it belonged and turned off. I have no idea how my jeans managed to stray dry  but as we looked round we could see Noah’s flood across the floor. He had a wonderful time mopping that up.

We’ve chatted this evening and watched a little TV.before me coming back to the computer. Ebay behaved ( apart from not letting me win the items I wanted) and I managed to do most of the mail but as I progressed to the last half dozen the computer decided not to co-operate. It took over an hour to do three messages and the cursor just hung on the last one so I’ve shut everything down to concentrate on this. I’m not risking kneeling down tonight, I’ll just hope things work themselves out. Have you had days that  are catalogues of disaster that cause you to laugh so much as I have today?




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28 responses to “Hitting the Nail on the Head

  1. Gah… after a day like that I’d be yelling at the cats and burning dinner. 😦 Btw you never did say – do you still have all appropriate toes?

  2. Whatever the day was like for you, you made it very entertaining for us! Thanks for the giggles. Hope you have a lovely day tomorrow!

    • Thanks so much Shawn. I aim to please….Michael aims to hurt. If the weather looks like standing up, I may wake him early and suggest a car-boot sale.I will however wear earmuffs in case his answer includes the word…OFF ! Sending Huge Hugs xxxx

  3. Damn that Ebay it frequently frustrates me by letting others win what I want – I will state I have heard there is an app people are using which means they always win because it outbids and other bids by 50p in the last few seconds not sure how it works as a) I think it is cheating and b) you could end up paying a fortune for something though maybe you can limit it. Waiting for the baby to put in an appearance can be a frustrating time, false alarms, not daring to plan anything and that’s just for the mum to be lol but I am sure Lady J will be looking down watching over proceedings

    Hugs xx

    • Ebay has been minorly kind to me in letting me have a few coins and majorly mean to me on not letting me have two sticks I wanted. In both cases it was just one bid that outdid me. Inthe future I’ll have to refuse to go out ( ha, joke since they drag me out kicking and screaming sometimes) so I can sit and bid in the last ten seconds. I was thwarted though doing just that when one stick was due to end at 1.50 am and I sat up ready to leap into action only for the vendor to withdraw it as sold at 1.20am. My bottom lip sulked so much you could have sat on it. I don’t have an app phone so I don’t know how well I’d like that one.
      I’m sure you’re right that Ju is watching us all and making sure her grandson puts in the best appearance possible. The best but probably the most inconvenient so she can giggle at us running round like headless chickens.
      xxx Huge Hugs xxx

  4. I hope your toe heals. Some days are like that! I hope you didn’t get the computer virus from me. My account has been hacked recently and it caused no end of extra work. Why do we do it? Glad your sense of humour is still in tact.

    • The toe is doing OK thanks Niamh especially since I applied a big ‘Give me Sympathy’ plaster to it. Yup, some days are just like that aren’t they.
      I’m sure the virus wasn’t from you. I swear, just put me in a locked room with the little monsters who take delight in creating these problems and I’d probably damage my toe even further, but it might be worth it. I hope your account is back to normal now.
      Thank you, he sense of humour is up and out of bed now. Well on the road to recovery with occasional blips.
      Sending Massive Hugs. xxx

  5. What a time you’ve had, David! It sounds about like the round of bad luck I had recently. Finally I kicked out Murphy and his awful Law — hopefully you can do the same. I hope your toes are better.

    • Hi Teagan, you mean no-one has told me I have the right of eviction over Murphy? Drat, I wish I’d known that. Does that mean your luck has now improved? I think I’ll try it and buy an extra lottery ticket.
      xxx Big Hugs xxx

  6. Goodness, David. It was definitely time to go to bed and put that day in the past. Wow, what an ordeal from beginning to end. I do hope your toe is okay. I could almost feel that pain from across the “pond.” Oh dear. Enjoy the time with your brother. Watch those spray nozzles. Darn things!

    • I suppose it takes days like that to make me realise how good the others are Mary J. The toe will be fine for now since Michael has gone off to see his father ( I call him Brother because we’ve been compared to The Brothers Grimm for pour minor exaggerations). As for the spray nozzle, it should be OK as I disconnected the idiot from the other end of it.
      Sending Great Big Hugs xxx

  7. I cant believe you just kept going after all those extra injuries! You are the Energizer Bunny for sure! Um, I am a little thick sometimes, but who is Michael? A family member? He sounds like Grumpy of Snow White fame..although he gets brownie points for washing your hair–and cleaning up! I love and hate those detachable shower heads.
    Hugs and hopes for happier toes….Lori

    • If I hadn’t kept going I’d be sitting in Chester still waiting for them to erect a bed settee for me to stay on……that might have meant me dealing with more building and more sore toes. Grin and bear it is the advice of a DIY coward.
      Michael has been a close friend for almost 40 years and we’re close enough to bounce insults off each other all the time though woe betide anyone else who does it. We were called the Brothers Grimm by our wives and children because for some reason they thought we slightly exaggerated our stories, he thus became my Brother of another Mother. We’ve been much needed friends to each other during some terrible times though he couldn’t make it last week when I sobbed after losing a walking stick on ebay.
      Hugs and hopes for healthier times for you Lori. xxxx David

  8. What a good friend your Michael is, and no wonder. What an amusing time he probably had, seeing you damage yourself at every turn, including nearly drowning yourself in your own bathroom.
    Please try to be more careful in the future, especially with your toes. Maybe the damage to the toes would be less if they weren’t so tender after all the kicking of the computer when you lose those sticks on eBay… 😉

    • It’s no doubt at all I’m laugh a minute entertainment for my L’il pal but I wonder if you ignored what I wrote, the ‘almost drowning’ was not self administered as you suggest, it was a murder attempt pure and simple by PERSON or persons ( un)KNOWN. Far be it from me to name names but it was Michael.
      Please stop trying to let the truth get in the way of a good story and tell me where you planted the web-cam ! I deny that I was kicking the computer, merely flexing my legs after sitting here bidding for so long. My toes did not connect with the computer and any cries of what you thought were agony were merely testing my vocal chords prior to my audition with the Roy Rogers Anatolian Tribute Singers..
      Now, lets start singing from the same hymn sheet shall we….Murder attempts- at least one, self-harm attempts- definitely Nil.
      Sending Hugs to you all xxxx

  9. Now I’ve stopped laughing at your misfortunes and those of brother Michael, can I suggest you need to do a little more Ebay shopping other than for sticks and hallstands… a new salt cellar, maybe a salt mill as they are more secure (those bloody salt and pepper shakers are such a nuisance), maybe also steel cap boots.
    For me, Mercury retrograde seems to bring on disasters not only during but before and after… I just remind myself of M. Scott Peck’s words “Life is difficult. This is a great truth, one of the greatest truths. It is a great truth because once we truly see this truth, we transcend it. Once we truly know that life is difficult-once we truly understand and accept it-then life is no longer difficult. Because once it is accepted, the fact that life is difficult no longer matters.”
    And then we all have a laugh about it 🙂

    • Phew, Philosophy on my blog. I’m attracting the cream these days aren’t I.
      I can understand anyone laughing at Michael’s misfortunes since he’s nearer the ground than me but mine own sad misfortunes merit sympathy rather than stifled giggles.
      Of course, even philosophers can be a little misguided as you so obviously were to suggest there are better things to do than bid for hall stands and sticks. I’m sure it was a slight blip only and you meant to say different things to do AFTER bidding for those. Yes, I should have a new salt mill to replace that so cruelly vandalised by Michael but your idea of steel toe capped sandals seems a tad overboard and unfashionable. You have to remember I’m a cultural and style icon.
      As another sufferer of mercury retrograde ( though I do have the ointment now ) I’m well acquainted with the disasters that loom.I however proscribe to the words of that ‘Master of Disaster’ Davey P who said ” Get over it and giggle.” A very succinct statement.
      xxx Huge Hugs Ella, always great to see you. xxxx

  10. Wow, you had quite the day, David. Remind me to reread this story of your misadventures whenever I wake up on the wrong side of the bed. Hope the toe is feeling better and that you won your desired items on Ebay (unless, of course they are ones I’ve bid on as well. LOL)

    (((hugs))) Thinking of that little one on his way. Look forward to great news soon. 🙂

    • Is that where he reading lamp is, on the wrong side? The toe is loads better thank you, barely a throb since Michael left. Some desired items are coming my way an some are just waving at me as they go past to the homes of the terrible people ( though with good taste) who bought them. I’m sure that you wouldn’t have done such a thing to me, but if so, it’s better you don’t tell me unless I inadvertently mention your name in my sleep to my assassins.
      I’m ready for the birth now, my ankles are so swollen…Oh, you mean my daughter. Yes, it’s time she uncrossed her legs now even if he has to be born in England.
      xxx Huge Hugs xxx

  11. Ha! David, looks like everything was trying to hurt you that day! Been there. Somedays we are attacked by inanimate objects.
    Glad you survived -mostly- unharmed.

    Many hugs from Brazil.

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