You need Hands

Sunday. After the flooding of yesterday I knew I could get into no further trouble today if I sat quietly all morning and did e.mails and designed a few Christmas cards. The mails were mainly from you  lovely people who’d commented on the blog and in some cases left me with a large smile. There were however two other messages that piqued my interest, one to tell me I’ve won a book in a rafflecopter draw and asking me what format I’d prefer it in ( what’s a rafflecopter?) and the other one from a Nigerian business man who’s found a way to bilk the British Government in some complicated scheme to have me send them some goods and claim an allowance before they send them back and get a refund from the person we bought them off. I may have got this wrong because in all honesty the Zzzz’s were drifting in front of my face before I’d finished reading. What’s the equivalent of the chalk marks tramps and gypsies used to use to mark the pavement outside a gullible nice person’s house. I swear someone has marked my computer only it’s more like the way a dog marks it’s territory.                                                                                                                                                                                                          Yvonne, Ugo and Reuben were picking me up for lunch about eleven thirty. The morning’s rain had stopped and so I put my shoes on ready to step outside and watch for them. I don’t use the crutches just to stand by the door so I opened up, went to clasp my hands behind my back and wallop I hit something. I half turned and saw a T-light candle holder in the shape of a pair of hands sail past my side. The relief was palpable as they landed on the carpet and my sigh was accompanied by an inaudible chuckle as they bounced, hovered on the lip of the step and dropped to smash into more pieces than I had glue for. I don’t understand why the Gods hate me, I sacrificed an apple to them only ten years or so ago. I swept up dejectededly as I really loved those hands. Such character they had. The car drew up outside so I grabbed my jacket and sticks, locked up and went to lunch. Yvonne reminded me I’d suggested lunch and a visit to the Tweed Mill to see their Christmas shop.There’s no way we’d eat lunch there as it’s very overpriced for a simple cafeteria area. We ate at the Dragon’s Rest ( sorry Mike, I know it used to be ‘Our’ place) where Reuben came to life and watched every mouthful I ate giving me a terrible conscience, probably as intended. The food was great and as soon as we finished it was time to move on. The Tweed Mill was crowded. Yvonne walked round cursing me for taking her there, (like I even drive), while Ugo and Reuben walked round looking bored. After the Christmas shop Yvonne and I left Ugo to have a cuppa and a cake while she and I walked round the gift section. Being good the only thing I bought was a picture frame for them about being married to your best friend. We caught up with the boys and headed home where I gave them the clothes I’d bought yesterday, some owl wall stickers and the books that had come for Yvonne. I gave them chance to read while I held Reuben up to the mirror to be fascinated by himself. They left about 4.pm and I dealt with mail till it was time to eat then I settled down to watch the last half of one of the feelgood movies that are on around now. Back to emails because tonight I’m staying up late by watching a film that doesn’t start till 9.pm.’ The Book of Eli.’ After that it’s an hours read and then hopefully some sleep. Bet you all wish your life was this exciting.

Monday. Monday morning brings a curtain of rain first thing. I looked out of the window to see if it was snow and the predicted Arctic from had arrived, but no it was rain and everything was still pitch black. I dealt with emails fairly quickly because there were no marriage arrangements to ponder but I did check my bank account and don’t understand why the millions haven’t arrived yet. Mind you, my account was still intact too but that could have been my accidental slip in providing a completely bogus name and account number and directing them to the fraud office of the bank. I had half an hour on ebay looking at gadgets and was very impressed ( I’m a child) with the finger lights that look fantastic when you wave your hands around in the dark. The light seems to follow behind so it looks like you’re writing.                                           At about 9.0am I tried dodging raindrops as I dashed ( har de har) to the corner shop for bread. I was soaked six feet from my front door. It’s just as well I’m shrink proof. It was odd while I was  there and noticed a bottle of Lucozade.-for those who don’t know what it is, count yourselves lucky. A friend(?) and I had also discussed this in emails and I was reminded that as a small child of about 5 years, I won 6 small bottles of this drink for singing Nellie the Elephant on the pier at Hastings. I think the prize was one bottle and the other five bribery to make me stop singing the chorus. I always wonder if the people have ever returned to Hastings since then. Another memory that slips into replace that is of the ‘penny machines’ where you’d flip a lever and propel a steel ball towards a set of metal chutes above. If it went inthe right hole you could win a cigarette, Woodbines or Players I think. How times change. On similar machines ( for those in the UK- anyone else STOP READING) you could also win a packet of Spangles. If you’re about my age you may remember them. The Old English with a peculiar brown one that tasted of cough medicine, or the fantastic Acid Drop ones that I still yearn for today. Where was I? Oh yes, Hastings Pier. Believe it or not but I had a fine singing voice when young, it’s the Welsh blood. I was selected to sing in the choir at St.George’s Church in Stockport when I was about eleven but we moved away soon after and I’m assured there was no connection. I remember having a tape a  friend and I made when I was in my early twenties where we sang Beatle’s songs to backing music. I’m quite sure Yvonne never believed it was me.                                   More Christmas parcels arrived during the day and I’m getting quite smug now.                                                                                                                                                                                            Doing emails this evening I came across one that had a music video of Men Without Hats- Safety Dance. That set me on a music of the 80’s evening while I finished my comments. So, just to copy the idea,I leave you with one of my favourites ( of Oh so many) of that era. Enjoy !                                                                                                                             http://youtu.be/OvMoRVrqx_I

Tuesday. I’m not sure if it was even worth going to bed last night as I was awake at 3.50 am. I’d woken up gasping for breath as in the dream I’d last had I’d just finished making a strange kind of surf n’ turf meal with a moules marinieres sauce which I’d then tasted knowing how allergic I am to seafood. I’d hate to have my dreams translated as I also remember last night a sequence where for some strange reason I found myself designing and making a ladies nightie with a matching housecoat. It was in some kind of black lace and quite sheer. If anyone in Prudes United ever hears about it, I’ll be drummed out. The rain was lashing down outside doing a continuous drum roll on the roof. This is on of those times to regret being in a bungalow as you don’t have an upper storey to shield you from the noise. Obviously it was pitch black outside still so abandoning custom I made an early coffee and settled with my mail. No proposals, no cons today ( at least so far) though all the world want to sell me insurance and an inordinate number of businesses are now following me on Pinterest.                                                                                                                                                           COMMERCIAL BREAK- For any of you authors interested in getting your books on any of my Pinterest boards, check here   http://www.pinterest.com/lorddavid/   and let me know what board you want. If a particular Nationality like New Zealand writers for example isn’t there for you it can always be created.                                                           The rain has ceased by the time it was getting light at 7.30 so Yvonne and I agreed to meet at  Broughton Park for a day’s shopping. ( She’s a terrible influence on me). We met by Tesco’s at 9.30 and headed straight for the escalator  up to the cafe. I parked Reuben by my table while Yvonne went to the counter to order. He was happily asleep. Yvonne told me he’d had a nine hour night and instead of getting some rest she’d stayed awake worrying  about him not screaming at feed time.I hope as Reuben starts to get into a sleeping habit, she will too. Coffee over we mooched round the clothes section but amazingly bought nothing.Then back down the escalator ( no, not the same one) to the Christmas gift , decorations and food sections where we – by which I mean I- was well controlled again.  Outside into the very nippy air I managed a cigarette before looking round British Home Stores  admiring all their house wares and their unusual Christmas gift section. They had some lovely hampers.With the lack of movement of the pram- though not a lack of movement from him, phewee, Reuben started to wake. We started a brink walk towards lunch an baby changing facilities. I hoped a burst of speed might confuse people as to where the smell was coming from but really I was more concerned they didn’t think it was me. Costa provided the light lunch and a drink we needed and the information centre where they’re based gave Yvonne the chance to change Reuben though the swap she got still looked suspiciously like him.  You can see what you think if I decide to post any pictures this week for his fan club, my exes.                                                                                                                                         Before leaving today I’d put on my patented super slimmer vest  with the reinforced, armadillo-like plating.There had been a fair amount of screaming and swearing, some of it from me. As I was walking round the shops I noticed it wasn’t doing a very good job of holding my stomach in. What  it did do however was reduce the small band of fat just above my hips. This was a problem as that was all that was between me and a degree of embarrassment if my trousers fell down. Keeping a steady walk with the crutches and attempting to raise the waistline of my trousers was an art form in dexterity I don’t want again.                                                                                                               I shan’t bore you with details of other shops we went round and a period where Reuben decided he wanted to be carried and then put in the baby sling but needless to say a few bags somehow got filled.  By the time it came to depart I had a full backpack as well as two large carrier bags trying to hinder my walking.  The Christmas shopping may be going well but it’s certainly no doddle. I was home in time to catch an old episode of the Mentalist and have a meal, snake and pygmy with mashed potatoes followed by some tinned pineapple- out of the tin for the sake of my teeth- an then into battle with the day’s messages. There were 139 but crying didn’t help so I got stuck in leaving just 6 when 8.55 pm arrived and a new episode of the current Mentalist. I relaxed and enjoyed myself with a bar of extremely nice totally diabetic friendly Cadbury’s chocolate. 10.00 pm and it was back into battle. The 6 were now 42 which kept me up till 11.30 when it’s time to relax with my book for a while. The very excellent Conn Iggulden’s Wars of the Roses. Goodnight all.

Pongy Nappy

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Wednesday. Early morning, rain, rain and more rain. Someone loves me again and wants me to look after her inheritance since her parents died in an horrific plane crash ( easily verifiable she tells me) and they always wanted her to  marry well. She just needs to get the money out of the clutches of her wicked guardian and she’s going to need a lawyer and my bank a/c details. …….. At 9.00 am the rain stopped and I went to the post office to send a phone flip case to my niece. I think the postmaster kept his finger on the scale when he told me the postage would be more than the case cost and they’d included postage in that. I lightened my wallet considerably, wiping the tears from my eyes as I did so then I headed back home. The first message I opened on my return was from a crook. I hope my bank manager isn’t like this…………………

Assalamu alaikum,

My name is Mr. Hamzaki Mourad, I am a staff working with the Bank Of Africa here 
in Ouagadougou,Burkina Faso. I want you to help me in receiving the sum of 
Twenty Secen Million Two Hundred thousand Dollars ($27,200,000) into your Bank 
Account. This fund was deposited in the bank here by a foreign customer who died 
accidentally alongside with his entire family members many years ago. Nobody had 
asked for this fund till now.

If you are interested, you have to provide an account where the fund will be 
remitted because i am highly interested to secure this money from the Bank. 
Please you can contact me immediately to start the transfer process. Further 
details about the fund and this transaction will be given to you upon the 
receipt of your response.

Please understand that we have to hurry-up our actions because the bank 
authority here has plans to redeposit this fund into the treasury of the Central 
Government as unclaimed fund if nobody applies for this fund after the next bank 
audit which will begin here soon. I await your urgent reply.

send me the information’s
Your full names.........................
Address,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Age,,,,,,,,,,,,,
profession,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Your photo................

Mr. Hamzaki Mourad
Bank Of Africa
Ouagadougou - Burkina Faso

I’m not sure  how much twenty secen million is though. The day passed pretty much without incident except maybe at lunchtime when I had a Shepherd’s Pie ( I just hope he never catches me). I was so eager that when I bit into it I burnt my tongue and my lip. They naturallly swelled a little so when Dilwyn and Matthew arrived for their game early I had to regale them with my brave struggle against the mystery assailant before we could play a game. Naturally it’s the fault of my damaged lip that Dil started his Scrabble game with a seven letter word on a double word score and got something ridiculous like 156. I went next with a brave and challenging 12 followed by Matt who’s barely old enough to know any words who hammered me again with a 28 or something. All I’m going to say is I fought hard and lost. The second game Dil started with just 24 but even then my tongue only managed 12 and Matt a 24.  Matthew won. I called a break and made a drink. After that I pulled out the new but original game of Trivial Pursuit I’d bought on Ebay. My faulty reasoning was Matthew wouldn’t know the answers to questions set back in the 80’s and Dil would only be able to answer the ones he was interested in then. Within minutes my tongue and lip were aware I had a game on my hands and those two begg my brother and nephew had two portions of pie each. Even an afternoons’s swotting wasn’t helping ( joke). I took it up a gear and showed my age class by winning the game. Honours even.

Thursday. Horror of horrors. I opened my emails this morning and received an invitation to have a woman at my side as soon as I wanted. Young, nubile and ready to ‘swing’ into ‘action’, she didn’t offer marriage or millions of pounds. Does she think I’ll sell myself so cheaply on the alter of ‘Nookie’?( Probably). Someone recently offered to let me read The Perfumed Garden and I had to explain I’ve not graduated from the allotment yet. Anyway, after I’d sobbed my heart out at being thought such easy prey, I went out to the shop. The cash machine was empty and I was reduced to pulling the fluff out of my pockets to find enough cash to pay for my lottery ticket. I’d not been home a few minutes when MuJo arrived. I made coffees and opened my morning post that had nearly hit John on the back of his leg as it shot through the letterbox. I’ll have to tell the postwoman to ease up on those steroids. We chatted for a while or to be more accurate I listened for a while as John was very enthusiastic about some Christmas Cards I’d designed and printed for him. I can understand why his came out fine but when I tried to do mine the printer wouldn’t take the good card and on the card it would take, the ink soaked in. We went to town. I got cash from the bank machine then left  my watch at a market stall to get a new battery and headed off to lunch at Kassidy’s. Roast pork dinner today with crackling but I know Christmas is getting close as my plate was adulterated with sprouts. An abomination before me on my plate. Ugh! I made a formal complaint to the management and left hastily before he heard me. With all three of us claiming to be full to bursting we headed off to Flint. MuJo wanted to look at box freezers in case they get snowed in this year. They’ve already had their first snowfall so it’s entirely possible.We went in at least four shops that don’t sell freezers where I was able to get a few bits and bobs ( very useful things are bits and bobs) before we headed for a coffee. At least I had a coffee while those two had a chocolate indulgence which is like another meal with all the cream and marshmallows on top. John added a scone to his list. Finally we went to a shop that sells freezers via a catalogue ( Argos for my UK friends) and bought one for delivery next week. By the time we got back it was getting dark. I showed John how to adjust volume on computers and they left for home. I had twenty minutes mail before watching my Mentalist. Between 8.oo pm and 11.05 pm it’s been emails and this post. Time to read my book now I think.

OK, I’m just being needlessly cruel now.

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Friday. I don’t know why I woke so early this morning but I know I was never happier to see seven o’clock as by the time it arrived I was down to my last two cigarettes and they’d last me till about five past the way I was feeling today. I suppose you could call it On Edge. One email I received told me that a gift I’d ordered two weeks ago isn’t in stock despite showing as being in stock at the time of he order. Two emails later I’m informed new stock won’t be arriving until about December 12th. This is a main present and as such is very important and not easy to replace. I have no choice but to wait and see but I’m not happy at being let down at this stage.                                      The in appears my popularity has taken another nose dive as there are no marriage proposals today though I suppose it’s possible that Nigeria is currently empty of women all flying off to get married….yeah, right !  The postman called with a parcel I’ve been looking forward to, a pair of the most ludicrous slippers I’ve ever bought and believe me the competition has been tough. The joy I’ll get out of seeing the recipients face when their parcel is opened. Why, I’m even thinking of gift wrapping it to build the tension.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          Half past eleven I received a text from Mike, “On way” it said. Knowing he was over two hours away, probably over three if he drives within the speed limits, I was able to have a liesurely lunch and then for pudding eat all the loose chocolate biscuits he might otherwise pinch. I feel sick now. I must have nodded a little because I just heard the front door opening and it made me sit upright. I might as well pretend to be alert now I’m in this position.                                                                                                                                We had a good afternoon’s natter till I applied his gag so I could see The Mentalist. Then I made some sandwiches for tea after which the gannet ate my last two Christmas puddings with custard. He was kind enough to come through to wash my hair then I had a shower and made coffees.( Not in the shower, I made those in the kitchen). We talk a lot Mike and I, generally throwing insults at each other but friends don’t generally come much closer than we are. After 40 years we know each other inside out. It therefore pained me to tell him I could no longer have him coming at the weekends if he keeps telling me he only eats my chocolate because he doesn’t want the loose bars to get lonely. About 11.00pm I came through to finish my mail before bed. Shopping in the morning so I’ll need to be up early.

Saturday. Early rising as predicted. I hadn’t thought it would be as early as 4.40 am but it’s not like I have a choice. I turn the computer on and walk down the hall towards the loo. It’s not an easy journey as Mr ‘I don’t snore’ was breathing heavily with accompanying noises. Every time he breather out I was pushed back the way I’d come, when he breather in I was able to make some progress. Eventually I lowered myself to the carpet where I thought I’d off er the least resistance and made it before I wet myself. I just finished my mail at 7.10 when I almost had a heart attack after hearing Mike get up without an alarm and without me using a crowbar. I made us both a coffee and while he sat in his chair looking like a mini Buddha, stomach resting on his knees, I collected the rubbish to put out for collection. When he spoke I put him back down again. Despite having managed to drag himself from his pit we were still late going out at 8.00am.                                                                                                                                Shopping didn’t take too long as my list was short today. We drove to Flint where he could have a coffee and leer at Ceri in the cafe. Daniel told me his brothers, my friends Adam and Richard are singing the anthem at the Australia-Fiji match this afternoon. I’ll miss it unfortunately but I’m looking forward to the release of their Christmas album soon. After a lovely hug and a kiss from Ceri we took the shopping home and unpacked. By now it had gone mid-day so we set off for Colwyn Bay and lunch, a visit to a specific shop and also to meet our friend. Mike and I had actually finished eating before Brian arrived so we took the chance to look round a charity shop . They’re all so dear now and far from the old days of all donated things, there’s so much new stock in them now. Brian finished and joined us we all had a wander round a little of the local market and through the shopping precinct ( Mall) until Mike went to get a sim card from the car for Brian’s phone. That done we said our goodbyes and headed our separate ways. We stopped off t look at a Christmas shop in a garden centre on the way which was a chance of a drink and I enjoyed a milk shake for a real change. It was only after we got home I remembered we hadn’t been to the shop we’d traveled to Colwyn Bay for.                                                                                                   An attack on emails, some tea and then a relax with the TV alongside the usual insult sessions filled up most of the evening. Time to finish off here now so I have time for a read. But I must just remind you first that when sending your fan mail some of you think my name is Reuben.  That’s OK. I’ll accept it under any name now as I appreciate your efforts.

Huge Hugs and I wish you all A  Great Week