Book of Northern Humour & The Big Bong Theory.

Sunday. I woke first at 4.30 am but decided I deserve longer. I had a quick wee, refilled with some Pepsi, sat on the side of my bed to smoke a cigarette then gave sleep another shot. If it didn’t work, I was prepared to reload and try again. It did work and I managed to remain there till 5.35 am. It being Sunday when I usually have plenty of time I didn’t rush my mail, rather taking longer to enjoy some of the comments from last night’s blog.  At 7.00 am I went to the kitchen, fed the fish, took tabs, had breakfast made myself a coffee and almost died of shock when Mike’s alarm went off. The rhythm in my chest restarted when there was no movement and the clock went quiet. Oddly it didn’t even join the other 6 in the bin that have been thrown against a wall. I took my coffee through to the bedroom and sat down. That was the moment Mr Awkward decided to make his move . I had to dart back to the kitchen to put the kettle on. I took the drink to the lounge where I found him sitting in his chair folded in half and snoring again. “Don’t forget your coffee” I warned him as though I hadn’t just that moment put it there. It doesn’t hurt to keep him on his toes.

As I went back towards my coffee I knew there’d be no way I could do many more messages so decided to get dressed. Having ascertained Mike was up in case we were going to a car boot and seeing the sun was shining I decided to dress for comfort and in a short sleeved shirt. Not that the sun ever sees my arms as I like the pockets a jacket affords. I swear if I ever holiday in Barbados I’m getting a man-bag. Now now you lot, keep those thoughts to yourselves please I have enough problems with Mike telling me he already has a man-bag nudge nudge wink wink.

I’d just finished the last of my drink when Mike’s voice came telling me to put my jacket on. I hadn’t heard a thing but he’d actually got dressed too. We were out of the house five minutes earlier than yesterday. When he opened his mouth to ask which car boot I told him to decide and he drove to Chester. We could see from the traffic it was quite big today. Mike parked up and we started walking round. Down one side of a row and back up the other side of the same row. We were on the scout for books for me mainly but also a Welsh Dragon broach he still wants for a friend. On the first side we managed to pick up 3 books and an unexpected timer for a game of Trivial Pursuit. We were on our way up the other side when Mike suddenly asked me to take the bags as he needed the portaloo and he dashed off. As I took my time and eventually reached the top of the row I stood waiting for him. It was odd, people seemed to be coming and going from one of the little cabins but not from the other. Then I heard the door and expected Mike to appear but unless he’d grown 6 inches and taken to wearing dresses it wasn’t him. I was puzzled. Two loos and he’s in neither, and he hasn’t passed me on the row. The only thing I could think was that he’d started on the next aisle thinking I was ahead of him. I gathered the bags and started down the next row.

I was about half way when Mike appeared and he told me he’d found a nice cafe in the hospital grounds and used the loo there. I’ve been going to that car boot for years and never knew of a cafe before.We were on the return journey up the row when the first of my chest problems happened. The pain was not pleasant and of course I wasn’t carrying a nitro spray. I was so glad of the crutches to lean on. Eventually I was able to move again if only to get away from Mike’s nagging. I was determined to carry on. I did so and a while later I had a repeat attack. Mike was carrying all the bags at this point so we finished the last row and went to the cafe to give me chance to recover. I had a tea and Mike his usual coffee. He also had a breakfast and forced me into a bacon sandwich to keep him company. Fried food must be helping a lot. After the food we finished the drinks in the sunshine on little tables in the garden. It was lovely. Yes, I even removed my jacket.

On the way home afterwards we made  a short stop in Flint to visit Home Bargains. Mr Sarcastic said he was worried about me as I hadn’t shopped there yesterday. I made sure I got something- a pad of shopping lists ! We decided to have a coffee at Temptations so I bought chocolates for the girls. Today it was Trudy and Sian on duty as Ceri is away for the weekend. Later at home we unpacked and Mike immediately started reading a book on Northern humour ( like that’s going to help him). I rested a few minutes then answered some mail. At about 1.00 pm it was time to eat. Decision time, where? It was back to The Ivy in the end. It was nice to see everyone though Tariq was making something for his daughter so we didn’t see a lot of him today. But what we did see was nice. After the meal Mike dropped me off at home and left on the next stage of his journey. I’m afraid I got straight on with the mail till I finished about 5.30 pm. I went through to the lounge and just as I got the BFG out that I would have to eat to save wastage my bloody chest went again and it was a baddie. No problem, spray handy. The thing is the headache after using the spray means you can do nothing till it’s gone ( I know, any excuse). So I rested some more and eventually got to eat the BFG so the story has a happy ending.

Monday. 6.30 this morning on my second attempt to get out of bed. It didn’t give me long before it was time to head kitchenwards. Duty and custom done I took my coffee through to start answering mail ( I was going to answer it, not the coffee). An early treat was a blog post from the delectable ACFlory ( whom I adore) saying she’s had her first con-man letter. She reproduced it for us to peruse so for anyone who missed it here is a warning……Don’t believe the FBI wants to give you money.                   The proof of the pudding as they say…….  

OMG! I finally received an FBI scam 😀

 .                                           There was also a post from ThePinkAgendist who was the first across my bows this morning with news of the abdication of King Juan Carlos of Spain in favour of Prince Felipe. As an ardent Royalist I’m happy the Monarchy in Spain is to continue and hope Felipe can restore the popularity of the Monarchy there after Juan Carlos has done so much to dent it recently.

About 9.30 an I took a short stroll while the rain had ceased. I needed cigarettes from Pauline’s and also picked up a Twix while I was there. I couldn’t stop myself chomping it when I got back and I was delighted to find inside the wrapper a coupon to get one free. Unfortunately I was so full I couldn’t dash back and get one. There was quite a bit of mail this morning so I wasn’t really able to get away from the computer for long I thought. ………until I woke up leaning over the keyboard, fingers still twitching. I’d been out about half an hour I think. I went through and had the other half hour in a chair. It was getting on for lunchtime so I came back and caught up again before heading for the microwave. I had some Jersey Royal potatoes, a small piece of brisket and some garden peas. I enjoyed eating it in front of the TV while an early afternoon Antiques show was on. Once that was over I washed the pots and headed back to see how the post was doing. I spent an hour catching up then decided I deserved an ice lolly which I had while watching NCIS. It’s just as well it didn’t take long to eat as I dropped off almost straight away and could have frozen my assets. I slpt for almost two and a half hours so NCIS was history by then and the next programme was well on it’s way. I saw the news which confirmed Pinkagendist’s story but also showed the King . I didn’t realise how old he’s begun to look nor how bad his health is, walking using two sticks as he was.

I watched my Antiques Road Trip and managed to get every price wrong but at least I got my choice as winner of this section of the journey which was in Scotland. When the quiz came on I ran through to keep up as much as possible with the post then ran back as soon as Law & Order came on. I even managed to stay awake to watch it. Then for some reason I turned over to what looked like an early episode of Murder She Wrote. They were talking about 32 mb and 64 mb computers which kind of gave the age away. Once over it was time to come through and attack the mail and perhaps get an early night. With luck and if I feel better I’m going to spend time with Yvonne and Reuben tomorrow. It should at least make the post a little less boring for you.

Tuesday. On parade at 4.35 am this morning though I didn’t have my hands on my socks as the Corporal used to bellow down the room. I turned the computer on as I passed by making my way towards the loo. Given the hour I thought the post quite manageable today and a quick glance through didn’t detect any messages from dusky maidens, bent bank managers or very wealthy fortune tellers. Much of it was notification of blog posts and tweets that I was able to read and then tweet about or re-tweet.  I worked until 6.00 am and left the last few messages until after breakfast. Naturally the fish got fed first then I had my meds, placed a bap in the toaster and made a coffee. Once breakfast was done I trooped back to the bedroom with my drink, got dressed and finished of the last few messages and refreshed. Ouch, that was a mistake but still, I have time…..

I finished the last message at 7.15 am and decided I was too much the coward to refresh the post again. I went to pack a few things in a bag for Reuben, paddling pool, bop bag, for Ugo, beer and beer and for Yvonne a candle and a kit to paint a glass photo frame. I made sure my backpack was closed properly. I left the house just about half past and was at the bust stop at the same time as the bus. The driver greeted me with ” Not got anything to break this time?” and I shook my head and smiled. I nodded off quite a lot on the journey but probably for not more than 10 seconds at a time as we hit every pothole going and stopped at every stop. When we arrived in Chester I stood as the bus pulled into the bes station. I always let others get off while I get my crutches on and today my backpack. Before I could move further the driver pulled off again. I thought he was just moving further down the row but no, the beggar pulled into the road. I moved up towards the door and pointedly pressed the bell. He knows where I get off. ” Where d’you want to get off?” he asked. Forcing myself to respond I told him “The first available stop” as I knew he couldn’t let me out on the road.  ” I’m going into town but will be back here later” he told me. Knowing that could take a long time I repeated “The first available stop, I’m meeting my daughter.” It probably only took just over 5 minutes to get to where the first stop was but it was a lot further away from the cafe than the bus station is. Once he dropped me my little legs had to pump. I reached the cafe and sat down trying to get my breath and probably looking like death warmed up, my bags weren’t light. It was an uh oh moment as Yvonne wasn’t there. I checked my phone and sure enough there was a message. “Dadddeeee wherefore art thou?” or words to that effect. A sort conversation later showed she was at the bus station and I was at the cafe instead of the reverse. I went and ordered drinks and Reuben’s toast while she hurried on down.

When Yvonne arrived, she let me sit down and took over at the counter for me. I got Reuben out of his pushchair and stood him on my knees. I’m sure he recognises me as he tries to run away screaming. Actually he was full of smiles so there! We put on the ‘I want to be a Knight when I grow up’ apron and gave him some toast. He sat on the seat next to me quite happily as Yvonne ate hers. When it came time to go we nearly had to ask for a hoover but I surreptitiously swept the crumbs off the seat to the floor. “You can come back again since you tidy up” said the waitress who’d obviously caught my efforts. I hid my face so she couldn’t ban me. We walked up town where Yvonne bought me a picture frame ready for fathers day( and she reckons I’m not helpful eh). We did some general shopping and I was able to stock up on balls for Reuben’s Birthday Ball Pit and a few other things. This meant a typical row at the counter about who pays.Children are so difficult these days, I tried to force her but no, she reckoned I should  pay as I bought it. Actually we got a few good things for Reuben in there and she was adamant I shouldn’t pay. I’m lucky enough to have size on my side. We went to a large clothes shop who’s name I can never remember but unusually I didn’t buy anything. I wish I could say the same about someone else who was determined to put the family in penury in order to buy father’s day gifts, not all for me I hasten to add.

I was feeling quite weary when we came out of that shop and we decided to go for lunch . In the end all I could face was a coffee. Oddly enough the cafe was opposite where the bus had dropped me off this morning. I told Yvonne I needed to go home and rest even though she said Ugo would run me home at 4.00 pm which was only 3 hours away and I could rest at their house until then. I had to turn er down and she waited at the bus stop with me for the 30 seconds until the bus arrived. I stepped on the bus and turned to wave at them both and Reuben burst into tears. Even the bus driver was heard to say Awww. When I was home Yvonne texted me to say he always cries when I go. At home there was a small parcel which proved to be the case I ordered for my phone….only it doesn’t fit. I’ve no idea whether the fault is mine because I listened to Mike say the Wildfire and the Wildfire S are the same size or whether the trader made an error Anyway I’m disappointed and had to send it back, the postage cost me more than the bloody case did. After I’d sent it back I kind of flaked out for a while.My feet were grateful. OMG, I’ve become a part timer with no staying power. My daughter is now better at shopping than me!!

When I revived a bit I had a ham sandwich for lunch and looked at my emails. Aaargh 132. But the worst news is that I’ve been notified that Asufat and her daughters have been picked up again and taken to the airport for deportation tonight. No-one will say what flight they’re on or with what airline. Frankly I’m disgusted, I think the border agency have been most underhand about this. The only hope left since the judicial review isn’t ready is Nick Clegg the Deputy PM. Though I wouldn’ t trust the man personally ( and neither do most of the country judging by the election results last week) he has spoken out against female genital mutilation and some of us have tweeted an appeal for his intervention. Maybe he can redeem himself in my eyes.

Well, a little bit of TV this evening but it’s time for concentration on clearing the mail and getting the blog done before midnight turns me into a pumpkin.( Yes Mike, I know the shape is already there).

All grow’d up.

 

Then it was gone, ‘Just like that’!

Wednesday. Now don’t all cheer at once but this will be a short piece. It’s late and I’m cream crackered. I was up at 4.35 am and hard at work by 4.45 am. At 6.15 am I decided to lie down for a minute that lasted until 7.55 am. We have long minutes in Wales. After that everything seemed to be done in a rush. Even the fish got a one word conversation ” Eat !” This was also one of those days when I had an extra post when I read the story of a wee girl with cancer who needs treatment in Germany as the options here have run out. I don’t exactly understand that since surely we share knowledge in the EU? But it’s a story I needed to share.

About midday I had a visit from my friend Lis whose going on holiday Sunday and wanted to see me before she left. She tells me the weather forecast in Cos isn’t mush better than we usually get here so I don’t envy her too much. The subject of Rob came up who’d died just a couple of weeks ago. His funeral was on Monday and it was apparently a sad and very moving occasion. Charlie ( Lis’s daughter) was there when a poem Rob had written for his wife was read out. Very touching.

When Lis left about 1.15 pm I made lunch , ate it, washed the pots and had half an hour in the chair with a chorus of Zzzzzzz’s after which I went back to work. Things were really going well and I’d even managed to fins what I think is a good present for my friend in America. But, with just 16 messages left to do the front door opened. It was 4.40 pm. I looked out of my room and there were Dil and Matt. ” Twenty to five, what’s this have you gone part time?” Dil responded with ” No, it’s twenty to six as usual, your watch must be wrong.” There was a moment of panic until I realised I was looking at the clock too and that said the same as my watch. He keeps a very straight face when he’s lying to me which is probably why he does so well at Balderdash. I left the messages and went to make drinks. Dil’d walking much better so the treatment for the gout must be working.

I’d had a message to say Lee couldn’t make it tonight so we got straight into battle. Matt was battling with a box of biscuits anyway. We had two games of scrabble which I won convincingly but mainly because poor Dil ended up with 7 vowels twice. Then it was a game of Trivial Pursuit which Dil said would leave us time for some cards. We started at 6.30 pm and finished just before 9.00 pm and BTW I won that too though we all had full discs. We had time for a swift game of Crazy 8’s where I was hammered. My final score something ridiculous like 249 and Dil’s 27 with Matt somewhere in between. They left at 9.30 pm as usual so I tidied up, washed the pots and came through to deal with the 16 messages….and the other 82 I’d accumulated. So as I say, it’s late now so this has been short.

Thursday. Another 4.35 am day though I had been up an hour earlier to go to the loo. I swear my bladder shrinks at night. I worked till 6.30 am, got a smirk from the fish as I fed them early and then went to sit down promptly falling asleep till 7.15 am. Back to the kitchen for my meds so I don’t kill anyone today and had some toast for breakfast. After that I took my coffee through and finished my messages before getting ready and going to Pauline’s to get my lottery tickets. Though it isn’t very far, it dos take me a while to walk there and back so once indoors I refreshed my emails . I realised I’d forgotten to buy my baps but didn’t feel like the walk again so I used the emails as an excuse. I was working through them when a knock came at the front door. It was my nephew David and I’d forgotten he was coming. He brought some first day covers and some coins for me to look at and advise him of values. I couldn’t help with the first day covers as I know nothing about them but was able to help a bit with the coins. I got my laminating machine out and let him seal some of the covers for protection.They’ll display better on his stall that way too.

When I can I like to donate things for his stall as he raises money for the hospice Julia was in. This week I was able to find some badges and other things from various orders. While looking I found a very chunky silver ring I bought some years ago emblazoned with the Prince of Wales feathers and his motto Ich Dien. It was a very large size. I gave it to David after we found it fitted him. I also found a doll for his daughter, my great niece which came from Japan and is in a beautiful costume with an obi. David hates to accept gifts and went out to his car. Despite my objections he gave me two boxes of metal badges depicting the Royal coats of arms of the English Monarchy, 30 beautifully enameled pieces in all I think. I know there are more to the sets so I’ll have to look out for them. David left about lunchtime to go and help someone decorate so I flew in here to bring the mail up to date. Then it was a late lunch of Irish Stew ( Oh why did I forget my baps?) a little TV then more work.

The afternoon flew by and wouldn’t you know it I didn’t have a cage handy so it was teatime before I knew it. I didn’t bother eating with lunch being so late but I did get to sit and watch my Antiques Road Show. It’s very tight tonight so I must be sure I don’t miss the culmination tomorrow. I also watched Law and Order, stayed awake through Murder She Writted and then saw a new episode of the Big Bang Theory. Poor Sheldon couldn’t decide which new games machine to buy and Raj got to date two women. There’s genuine comic relief in that show. After that it’s back here to work . Lift that barge, tote that bale and crack the whip.

Mischief Planning.

They’re not Cadbury’s fingers but I’ll eat them.

Friday. 3.54 am today and the scriptwriter of that particular comedy has some explaining to do. It’s getting so I’ll be rising before I’ve even gone to bed soon. Anyway, it did give me chance of an early start on the mail.  Among the batch this morning were two messages to say my account wirh Barclays has been suspended, one to say my account with Santander has been suspended and two purporting to be from paypal saying they haven’t been able to make payments to paypal on my behalf and I need to verify my bank details. I was so happy to see I haven’t managed to offend all the con artists out there yet. I swear though. the pages are more professional looking and the spelling has improved no end. Can I just make it clear to all you donkeys, it wouldn’t be worth your while attacking my bank accounts. Save yourselves the effort involved and just leave me alone.

At 7.00 am I went through to feed the fish and have some breakfast. Unfortunately I’d taken my before food tab when I realised I needed to fill up the drug case with another week’s supply. I had to move a lot smarter than usual to get it done and get my main tabs etc within the prescribed time limit, 15-20 minutes after I’ve taken the tab. I got washed and dressed before making my coffee today which I took through. There were only 6 more messages dammit so I was done pretty quickly. I’d run out of excuses why I couldn’t do some I***ing. I got the board out and started. A pair of pyjama trousers for Mike, 8 shirts and a pair of jeans for me. I’d had enough. There was a twinge of sciatica there. I left the instrument of torture out to cool but put the board away. The damn thing never seems to want to go back where it came from. Anyhoo it was time to sit down for a while. I put the clothes away ignoring the still overflowing basket and took to my chair. It wasn’t long before Old Ma Nature was tugging at my eyelids and I was well away.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    I came awake with a start when a loud Boooong sound echoed through the house. I had time to wake up and think about it while my heart stopped racing and decided it was the I***ing board fallen over. I went through to the kitchen cursing under my breath. The board was still in place. I checked the cupboard and there were no signs of anything else that could have mad the sound. I visited each room in turn looking for something that had fallen but I came up with zilch. My latest theory is that some aliens have got it in for me because I won’t go and be harvested. It’s either that or I’m going mad and I’m sure none of you would believe that for a moment.

It was 11.00 am and I hadn’t heard from Mike so thought maybe he’s not coming this week. I checked my phone and the email in case he’s been in touch and brought myself up to date at the same time. I was just going to put the phone on charge when it tinkled ( NO, not like that). It was the usual message.”On way”, as it was 11.45 am I allowed 3 hours to make sure I was free when he came. I had a quick lunch while watching an antiques show and then went back to my home office ( sounds much better than ‘The Pit’ doesn’t it). At 2.30 pm I filled the kettle and set it to boil and readied Mike’s mug. It was 3.30 pm before he arrived because the traffic was bad he told me and because he’d stopped to eat on the way. Right, he won’t be wanting his main meal now then. We sat and chatted until about 5 pm and he decided some sandwiches later would be nice. I went out to the shop for bread and some meat and picked up some small cakes for him too. When I got back we watched a couple of quizzes, being very hit and miss with our answers tonight then decided to have a shower. Mike saw to my hair first so I didn’t have to raise my arms above my head. After the shower I made the sandwiches and we enjoyed them watching NCIS.  After that I excused myself for a while to come and attack some of my mail so I could be free for the new series of Law and Order. It’s such a different programme without the sardonic policeman Lennie, played by Jerry Orbach. So far I’ve only ever seen the episodes with him. I was shocked to see this series has Linus Roache starring as a deputy D.A. the son of our very own Bill Roache of Coronation Street.

TV over for the night ( my night anyway) I wished Mike goodnight and came through to work. It’s a late one but worth it.

Saturday. It was 5.10 am when I woke this morning. I was sitting in my chair  in the lounge. I’d woken at 2.04, found myself unable to go back to sleep where I was, had a cigarette, tried again and as the old saying goes, If at first you don’t succeed, beggar off and try elsewhere. I had a touch of sciatica and the cushion on my chair was heaven. So, 5.10 am and it’s getting light. I went to the kitchen and tormented the fish by pretending to feed then and then remembering it’s Saturday- diet day( fish only). To add insult to injury I had my breakfast, took all my meds then carried my coffee back to the bedroom home office. There was plenty of mail to keep me going, my friends in the Americas and the Antipodes having been busy overnight. Any number of great blog posts to comment on. When 7.00 am rolled round I was so smug with my progress I was almost whistling. Mike’s alarm went off. Obviously no need to worry or rush, I heard the thud as it hit the wall so I went and put the kettle on.

When the kettle boiled I made coffee and took it through. Knowing it would worry him and annoy him in equal measures I was cheerful. ” Coffee’s up Bro” quoth I. I left the room and came back to finish what I was doing and heard Mike pad pad along to the lounge. I finished the last message and pressed send. Then I sauntered into the lounge myself and said ” Good morning. Looks a bit grim out.” “Then put it away before someone sees it” he spat back casting a blacker cloud with his frown than the sky outside held. Minutes later, following a grim silence I heard “I’s awake now”. All I could say was “Oh dear!” We didn’t leave the house until 8.00 am at which times the heavens were opening. Just a little different from the forecast Mike mentioned last night of a great weekend. And even though the heavens had opened both out phones showed the forecast now as overcast. We had to give up plans of a visit to Llandudno and instead shop locally. Surprise Surprise we found ourselves in Asda. I was surprised to find a rack of really nice trousers ( men’s) for £2 the reason for which soon became apparent. They were either 32 waist-short leg, or 34 waist regular leg. I’d need two pairs to go round me. I did manage to find something for Reuben but at twice the price.

The main shop didn’ t take long but when we’d finished I was as usual parched. We got a drink in the MacDonald’s  cafe Mike having his usual and me having the stupidity to go for a mocha frappe. Have you ever got brain freeze and tried to keep your face as normal as possible so someone else doesn’t know. It’s damned near impossible so it wasn’t long before he was in stitches. “You never learn” he told me with obvious relish. We decided to stop in Flint on the way back to look for another bop bag for Reuben. The shop where I   bought the last one had run out and another place I expected to be lucky, I wasn’t. We picked up some chocolates and went to annoy Ceri in Temptations. Business was brisk but there was no way she and Mike weren’t going to trade insults. Ceri is one of those people who makes you smile just by seeing her. I left Mike there and went next door to look for the bop bag and I found some. I did get one but Mike reckons the face on it is likely to give Reuben nightmares.

We took the shopping home, unpacked it and put it away.I had a session back on the mail again, opened a parcel from the real postman which was the case for the phone and then looked at a catalogue until Mike was ready for lunch. We decided on- guess where- and I took a picture frame with me that Tariq is going to fit glass in…on the understanding he lets me pay him. We were halfway there when Mike asked if I’d remembered sweets. I hadn’t so I had to grovel an apology when we went in. This was another busy place. Tariq was helping cook as well as serving as Shella isn’t well. That’s a shame and we sent out best to her. Mike managed to chat Angie up as usual and was throwing double entendres out like there was no tomorrow. It was a really nice break. We took to the hills after lunch coming home the roundabout way to avoid Coast Road traffic. I had the pleasure of another couple of hours in here while Mike watched the Grand Prix jockeying for positions on the grid. I managed a couple of hours TV with him which included the last ever episode of the Tomorrow People. I swear they’re here today after having seen some of the current magicians on TV like Troy. Amazing.

So, Mike has the football now and I have chance to clear the decks before tomorrow. I hope you’ve had a nice week and wish you a Great one to come.

I’ll see if I can get it all in Mummy

Can you see my teef everyone?

Dribbly Tiger.