There was a robbery. My ‘The Her ‘ and ‘The Him’ were out doing whatever it is they do when they’re not here, which is far too often if you ask me. No matter how many patrols I mount ( or at least intend to mount) there is only ever one of me , and though it’s true I have the Postwoman on the run, it seems not all Longlegs have learned to be afraid of me. Of course it’s possible that’s because not all Longlegs live with me and not all Longlegs have Superiors to teach them the error of their ways.
I always thought my own Longlegs had been well taught though I confess that at times I scratch my head and wonder what my ‘The Him’ was doing during some of the lessons because he certainly wasn’t paying attention. For instance, the number of times I’ve tried to tell him about not leaving some of the small clearways open in the dark time. We all know there have been times someone has crept in and eaten my food. It’s different if it’s in the village itself as Longlegs there value my acceptance of their kind invitations, especially at the Fursty Ferret where they have left a nice salmon before now. But surely no-one could possibly think my meals are an open invitation to help oneself to.
Anyway, there’s been a robbery. I hope no-one is suggesting I was asleep on the job here but it had been a fraught couple of longtimes looking after those beastly rodents who had made quite a noise when they thought the house was empty. I may have inadvertently dozed for a few shorttimes but was rudely awoken by muffled voices and clanking sounds. I stood up to protest and seeing what I saw , thought discretion the better art of valour and realised I could probably see things better from behind the chair in the corner of the room. Lots of things were being put into sacks by two Longlegs and carried out to a large white chariot. I watched for a while until they seemed happy with their haul and one said ” Roit, that’s it, let’s get outta here sharpish .” They left and the chariot drove off quickly.
My ‘The Her and The Him’ returned. He walked in first and stopped, he looked around and gasped, “Oh no” he said “burgled.” The Her walked in and getting her priorities right came to check on me. Seeing me there on her bed, on guard of course, she dashed off to check on the rodents.( As if someone would steal them when they could kidnap me for ransom.) Anyway, next thing they were on the phone thing and men in blue fur came. I could hear the questions.
“Was anything valuable taken?”
“Of course officer. Lots, but the most valuable was my clock.”
” Do you know anyone with a grudge against you Sir ?”
“No, I’m afraid not officer.”
“Well, write me out a complete list sir. Beggar off cat, you’re getting under my feet.”
“I’ll do that officer. Oscar, come here boy.”
I went and had my ears scratched. I was desperately trying to tell them something but couldn’t get them to understand. Scratching my ears seemed to be distracting me, but I knew I could solve this case for them since I know who did it.
One of them was called Sharpish as his friend had let slip when calling him. But the other one, the rogue, Oh I know who that was. It was Procrastination. Many’s the time I’ve heard ‘The Him’ witter that procrastination is the thief of time and since the valuable clock was stolen it must be him. If only these Longlegs could think like a Superior there’s be much less crime.