I need your vote. NRA need not apply.

This morning I decided to revive a dream of mine to be voted Dictator of the World. It will be a benevolent dictatorship (provided you obey the rules) sort of like Terry Pratchett’s Patrician of Ankh Morpork.  Since I’ll ask nicely for your votes I’m going to assume they’ll be forthcoming, if not, I know where you are. There will never need to be another election since I shall select my successor from somewhere out there. It could be YOU! There will obviously be some rules which are not optional like they would be in a democracy, after all it was the last democracy that voted me in.                                                    So, lets start with guns. I want them all handing in. No, not tomorrow, now. There will be no guns in private hands again. The only people who can carry them are professional hunters, to take care of any wild hippos on the loose,maybe the police, but heaven help an officer who manages to shoot someone coming at him in the back. I might accept a wounding of a miscreant trying to escape. The military can have pseudo weapons for parade purposes but any border disputed will henceforth be settled by opposing chess champions playing best of 7, no more or we’d fall asleep watching. So here’s your biggest chance since 1066 France, you can own England if you have a good champion. Beware if you haven’t though as you’ll start having to get used to English cuisine. Yes, I hear you laugh at that. You don’t get to own Wales of course which is now promoted back to Kingdom, modesty forbids me from saying who gets to be king though maybe I’ll heal some wounds by giving it to Charles. The Union flag will have to be redesigned to include a Welsh element now which should always have been there. King Hywel Dda contributed much to British law after all.

Jerusalem, I suggest you start training your chess players now as I imagine plenty of countries will want a piece of you. Of course they have to do it all peacefully and you cannot be transplanted. It might be a good idea if you started your builders to rebuilding all the properties taken and have the displaced people reinstated on their lands. You’re all from the same stock so learn to live together.Arabs…..play nice, I’m watching.              Women are hereby accorded full and equal rights with men. That includes pay at work and promotion opportunities. Regretfully as there are now more people than there are jobs women will be expected to resign when they leave to have a baby unless they are taking no more than two weeks off. It’s unfair that an employer pays you for an absence and has to pay for a replacement to cover you too. I will be generous with maternity allowances if you resign. Who knows, maybe someone else will be leaving to have a baby if you decide to return to work.                                                                                                          Gay people the world over will be accorded the same rights as other people which includes the right of marriage. I suggest all fundamentalists learn to keep their opinions private as  their narrow minded prattle is most annoying.                                                        If  while I’m writing this President Trump has had his image carved at Mount Rushmore, it’s OK you can be sure it’s not staying. I may just have his name expunged from all records to keep the electorate from feeling embarrassed ever again. Now if there happens to be an itinerant sculptor with time on his hands who wants to fill a space at Mt. Rushmore……………….                                                                                                                     Parents will be responsible for teaching their children all about hugs and how good they are. And tolerance plus respect will be something they can instill in children so they have it for the future.

Have a wonderful week.