The Noble Art of Peeing in a Bottle.

Monday. It was 12.35 am when I’d finished two quick chapters last night and my lights went out. It was 2.46 am when I got up. I quickly made my bed, cleared my office chair of the stuff I’d put there last night, donned my dressing gown and made my way to the kitchen via the loo. First job was the washing, then once that was going on quickwash I took my inhalers,took my tablets and filled my mug with milk. There was just enough in the milk carton for my mug so I turned to the sink to wash the carton out to add it to my recycling bag. Oh hell, there’s a spider in the sink and I don’t think he’s too chuffed that as I moved the bowl he was caught in the glare from the light. I had to fight my natural inclinations and kind of caught him in the trifle bowl from last night. I had to keep moving it so his feet couldn’t get purchase as I walked to the front door, opened it and tossed him out of the bowl into the garden. If he happens not to be an outside spider then it’s a case of hard luck. I shut the door, returned to the kitchen and put some bread in the toaster. Now I’ve seen Harry Potter and I know Aragog was a very rare spider raised by Hagrid, I just has to hope he isn’t pissed off enough with what I’ve just done to come and take his revenge. The washing finished and I put the drying cycle on. It should be ready to come out about 6.00 am.  After the usual tussle with my meds and my breakfast I retired with a coffee to my computer and started the emails. Apart from last nights lot there were periods of full flow and periods of trickle but at 9.27 am it seemed there was a halt in the flow so I decided to go for a kip, even at the risk of missing HUtH. I did catch at least some of my programme but yes, I did nod off in my chair. It must have been for a good hour or so.  But I was awake in time to make my lunch which today was braised steak and carrots with mashed potatoes. I watched Bargain Hunt while I ate and then returned to work.                                                                                                                                Since leaving work at 9.30 ish and not returning until 1.00 pm, the work had built up a lot so it was time to get my head down, and I don’t mean on the desk for a sleep. I concentrated on the screen and started whittling it down. Obviously as I worked more came in despite the cursing under my breath but I remember it was 5.12 pm when I dotted my last………dot, and crossed my last ‘t’. With a very muted cheer (remember the neighbours) I went to the lounge. I turned the TV on for an episode of the Antiques Road Trip and was very disappointed to find it was one I’d seen recently. I know I say I’m going senile and my memory is poor but come on BBC, really? I turned back to Pointless. As 6.00 pm approached I was strangely peckish and was wondering what to have when I remembered some beautiful baked honey ham I bought on Saturday. I had a couple of slices between two rounds of toast. It was lipsmackingly wonderful. After I’d washed up I put Stargate SG1 on for background noise and leafed through my TV mag, At 8.00 pm though the Early 20th C Canadian Policeman whose name I can’t remember now (senility remember). It was good. But then that was enough and I came back through. Lots of lovely work waiting for me and it’s taken until now 11.09 pm to finish.

Tuesday.  I find perception an odd thing at times. My light went out no later than 12.15 am last night. I seemed to have been awake for ages and indeed thought I was going to the loo when I actually woke up to go to the loo at 1.22 am. I came back to bed knowing I could sleep again and after I’d righted my bed, and I so rarely move it an inch, I did fall asleep. Then I woke as usual at 2.27 am when I expected it to be so much later because I perceived I had slept longer. Then I sign into here and it tells me I was here 3 hours ago. At 3.00 m I went to the kitchen and took my meds and put two pieces of bread in the toaster. As soon as it clicked up I reversed the bread so the un-toasted side would be done but I had to be ready to click it off so the middle didn’t become too brown and maybe burnt. I caught it just about right and had two full rounds of toast for a change, One was lightly buttered with a covering of strawberry jam. The other piece was just layered with butter. Both pieces were then cut in half  lengthways. I ate the first jam laden piece and too my first two diabetic tabs, then I ate the second jam one and the first of the buttered ones only to find I was struggling and couldn’t eat the last piece. I’d have been much better off just toasting the half and as usual cutting off the un-toasted bit for the birds. I took the last two tablets and made my coffee.                                                          The mail is ready for me to have another go with 47 in at that point though just as I was getting to the end another 12 came in ten of which were from the same person liking a variety of posts I’d done. They were soon dealt with and my first chance of a break was at 5.53 am. Oops change that to 6.09 am. Time to get dressed and groom myself with my beard oil. Shoes on and pick up my bag of goodies from the lounge so I don’t forget to take them. I left the house at 6.55 am without forgetting anything. The bus came just before ten past and I was quickly on my way. It didn’t arrive in Chester until 8.35 am by which time Yvonne was already walking Reuben down to school. I had to get a move on and follow her. It was lovely when Roobs ran across the playground to me. A little less so when Amelie followed and just passed me her doll. We left and went for coffee and I was able to give her the goodie bag. She thought it hilarious the huge box that came with Amelie’s 7cm square book inside. She liked the outfits I’d got the kids and even the pair of leggings I’d got her. She loved the Fat Face voucher I’d bought her and didn’t slap my face. After coffee we went to Fat Face so she was able to get a dress to go away to Ireland with. Soon enough after our mooching (and the purchase of another air of jeans) it was time to catch my bust home. As usual they walked me to the bus stop and waved me off. I picked up sausage and chips from the chippie when I got off the bus and headed for home.                                                                                                                                                       After lunch I couldn’t avoid work any longer and faced what was there, 103. It was 4.45 pm when I finished and was able to go through to the lounge. I was channel hopping a lot and couldn’t settle anywhere but sometime before 8.00 pm I nodded off and missed the one programme I was ready to watch. Just to run salt in the wound I woke in the closing moments. I took my meds and came through to finish up for the night. It’s 11.38 pm and I’m close.

If you’re squeamish look away but don’t miss listening, this is a great record.

Wednesday. Lights out 12.15 am this morning back on at 2.18 am when I got up. I cleared my chair and logged into the computer before going to the loo. It’s pee in the little bottle day. Now I hate to brag, but those little bottles, I could fill one twice if I tried. It might take a while with the old stop-start but I’m game. Of course I only needed it once and you don’t get fresher in the morning than this. Of course this is where the problems can start as I now have a bottle, a top and a, well call it what you willie, but I only have two hands. You see the problem. Do I attempt to seal the bottle and move on, which of course risks wetting my feet, or do I stand with my feet apart ready to access the mop bucket? In the end of course I kept both bottle and top in one hand and allowed the guiding hand to carry on until done. That allows me to finish, to seal the bottle and place it in a bag before putting it in my pocket then washing my hands thoroughly. Then time to head back to my bedroom with dry feet and start work.                                                                   My appointment was at 8.50 am but I have to leave the house at 7.55 am to be at the bus stop at 8.05 am to get my breath back and in case the bus appears early.If I went for the bus due at 8.40 am it would probably appear late due to works traffic and I’d miss the appointment. So I duly left the house and started the climb. The bus was a couple of minutes early and I was in Holywell for 8.10 am. I had to walk round the Lidl Supermarket to waste a little time and ended up buying a bag of lollipops for the kids. I left there at 8.30 am and reached the surgery ten minutes later. I gave the receptionists or care Providers as they’re now known some chocolates and started the process of joining the ‘online gang’ so I can order prescriptions and appointments online. When I was called into the Sister’s room (by TV message now) I got gold stars all round. My feet were good though to be fair they seldom misbehave. My blood sugar was good, protein in my pee was fine, my BP was good and I’ve lost two kilos since last time (That’s not very good though since it’s either 6 months or a year since I was last there). Just before I left she asked about my smoking and I agreed I still do. Just to prove it I lit up as soon as I was out of the gate, I also stuck a fruit pastille in my mouth. I had to wait about 20 minutes for the bus but it wasn’t raining.                                                                                    Work had been piling up while I was away so I settled into that as soon as my coat was off. I found it quite cool in the house. I stopped for lunch at midday, a cottage pie and two slices of fresh bread from the loaf I bought yesterday. Might as well put the 2 kilos back on to keep me warm. At 1.00 pm I settled for a pre-match snooze with lasted until 2.50 pm, then back to work until 4.30 pm. Dil arrived just after I’d prepared his mug so I almost had a cup of tea waiting before he reached the lounge. It’s quite simple, I love my brother. We watched an Antiques Road Trip and then at 6.00 pm started to play. I lost the first two games and by the skin of my teeth recovered some pride on the third. It’s quite simple, I used to love my brother. Whatever happened to respect for the elderly? At 9.00 pm once I’d cordially seen him out of the front door and applied all the locks I came through to start my last session of the day. It’s 11.43 pm and I’m close.

One of my beautiful cousins who was 80 yesterday. Yes, all the cakes are hers.

Thursday. 12.35 am and lights out. Not because I’d finished reading but because the piggin’ bulb blew. Up again at 3.44 am and had to turn the main light on first so I could see to change the bulb which luckily I had one of in the bedroom. Off to the loo and then the kitchen where I gather about me a hill of pills and an array of sprays and put two slices of bread in the toaster. Though I was fairly generous with the butter at least I felt righteous that no jam was involved. Back to my room with a coffee I turn the computer on. This morning I was inspired when a friend posted this. It reduced me to tears.

I confess though it doesn’t seem to take much to set me off these days. DIY SOS, bawl, the end of 60 Minute Makeover, bawl, Goodbye Mr Chips with Robert Donat and I’m down on the floor howling.I worked until 9.05 am then got dressed and went out. Pauline’s first, she may have lost the lottery terminal but I don’t want her to go out of business. I got my cigs from her and a small box of teabags that I think were gold plated. I picked up a small loaf too so I’m covered till Saturday. Then over to the One Stop where I got another pack of teabags , much bigger and at a better price. I also got my lottery tickets and working from my new list there were no mistakes. I came home, unpacked my stuff, mocked Joey for singing to the bird in the mirror, stubbed my bad toe, cursed and went back to work. I was getting close to an end at about 10.15 am but I just put my hands in the air and said No, I’m going to watch Aaaarghh, an angina attack from having my hands over my head. It’s just as well my nitro spray is near my chair in the lounge so I was able to take a dose and turn the TV on until the headache hit. It turned out not to be  too violent today so I didn’t turn the TV off, instead I turned me off and went to sleep. That was it until 11.50 am. I went through to the kitchen to look at doing lunch. I saw my baby potatoes were all sprouting and I wasn’t a happy bunny as they had a date of the 20th May on them. I took the eyes out of half a dozen and stuck them in the micro for 9 minutes. I laid some corned beef out on a plate ready and added a pudding to the tray and my diabetic tabs. Just before Bargain Hunt I was ready to go. It wasn’t an unpleasant meal but I’m not sure I was ready for it then. After Bargain Hunt I washed the pots and went back to my room to work. I was there until 4.50 pm Then I’d had enough and just sat with The Antiques Road Trip which I didn’t manage to see till the end as I zonked again. I was back with it about 6.40 pm and couldn’t remember turning over to watch a programme about railway journeys. When I realised I’d been asleep I shook myself awake and got down to some serious viewing. Well at 8.00 pm I did when I watched Big Bang Theory, Sheldon and Amy’s wedding then Young Sheldon. Tablets out of the way at 9.00 pm I came back through for the last battle. An early one I hope. 11.20 pm and I’m almost done.

Friday. Light out at 12.22 am another book finished. Awake at 2.26 am. I turn the computer on as I’m too early for breakfast. Then, 2.40 am I remember that it’s drugs day and that has to be done before I can have my breakfast so it doesn’t matter if I start a little early. I was only ten minutes late with my breakfast. I had toast for a change but being such a rebel, I did without the jam again. After I’d finished eating and taking my last two tablets, I went on to making my coffee which threatened to overflow the mug as it’s a Grande size pod. Not true, as the pods are the same size but the bar code must indicate more water be used. So, getting close to the top I pulled my mug clear so the excess could go straight in the drip tray. As I put the mug down I was attacked by the loaf I’d bought yesterday which fell off it’s perch straight onto my hand causing my coffee to spill over the work surface. That was a few sheets of kitchen roll I’ve lost forever.I took what remained of my drink to my desk and started work again. One message came from John to say that Muriel’s hands were too swollen to drive so they wouldn’t be over today. John forbade me to eat his biscuits. As I wasn’t now going out today I worked until 10.00 am and awarded myself a break with HUtH. As is usual recently I got through the first two properties and faded to the land of Zzzz for the third and stayed there until 11.45 am. Time to hustle and get my dinner. Luckily I had one left from last weekend, sausage mash carrots and peas with onion gravy all in a large Yorkshire pudding. It wasn’t bad. After lunch there was the feeling of a kip coming on but I fought back and came back to work. I worked till three then took a break, yes the eyelids were heavy but I wanted to see Escape to the Country. By all that’s holy I managed it. Sometimes I even surprise myself. Back to work until 4.30 pm then relax until 6.00 pm when I went for a shower. No washing my hair though and putting my hands over my head. Sharon washed it yesterday. After the shower I had some tinned pears, watched whatever rubbish was on then SG1 until 8.00 pm and Miss Fisher’s Murder Mystery. 9.00 pm of course saw me turning everything off, including Joey if his expression was anything to go by. It was time to come back to work. I was horrified today at the news of yet another school shooting and another 10 innocent lives taken plus that of a teacher. I’m getting to hate coming to the computer these days.

Saturday. Lights out before midnight last night, at about 11.45 pm. An early night. I woke at 1.58 am this morning. It’s been bothering me a bit that I read somewhere last night that yesterdays school shooting was the third in a week. I checked this morning and can see why the others weren’t headline news since there was only on casualty in each case, and the second one was actually the shooter. Neither resulted in a death for a change. But it’s two more occasions where a student (or ex-student) of an age where anger knows no control, has taken a gun to school. Schools need to be able to afford security measures of some kind, but definitely not armed teachers. It’s getting to be like, in an age of fruit cakes, there’s competition to be the nuttiest fruit cake of all.                                                      My breakfast was at 3.00 am, predictably it was jam on one round of toast and just butter on the other. Once over I made my coffee to bring back. There was plenty of mail to keep me going.One piece in particular made me think. Caitlyn Kelly, a well known journalist in both the US and Canada had asked whether there was a particular thought we have that we daren’t put in writing on our blogs or in the social media in general. I thought about her points regarding trolls and also felt I could detect a worry that these days what you publish can get you fired. I sympathise with her but these days there isn’t anything I couldn’t write about if I felt strongly enough. The obvious problem these days is feeling too much about things.                                                     https://broadsideblog.wordpress.com/2018/05/19/the-blog-post-i-dare-not-publish/ About 4.30 am things came to a bit of a halt so I thought I’d try an hour in my chair before having to go out just before 7.00 am for my bus. I got an hour and a half and was in plenty of time to dress and to go out. The supermarket had been open about ten minutes when I got there but the place was quiet, as I like it. more staff than customers. I got cash from the machine then started a slow stroll about the place, picking up things at my leisure.I was standing outside with 3 big bags full at 8.05 am waiting for my taxi. Like last week I was home by twenty past. The driver was a young lady and I didn’t mean to be demeaning when we arrived and I said not to bother getting the bags out of the boot, I’d do it. “No, it’s OK” she told me and picked up all three bags and carried them to my front doorstep without breaking a sweat. She deserved a good tip for impressing me so much. I got in, put the food away, traded insults with Joey then started work again. 10.05 pm and all was quiet on the Western Front. The postman came and brought me a voucher for Tesco’s. A new card came for my Nectar card and when I registered it I found almost 11,000 points on there worth 54 pounds. It could be good news week under some circumstances. I took a break until 11.15 am then had a very quick catch up before lunch. Beef stew and dumplings this one. I put a very old film on and scared myself, scarred myself even by knowing most of the actors. I returned to work at 3.00 pm knowing America would  be online now. Then went back again at 6.00 pm to let my brain unload as I chilled and had something to eat. A French stick sandwich with beautiful finely sliced, crumbed ham. At 9.00 pm I came through for my last battle. 11.00 pm and I’m done.

Sunday. In bed by 11.30 pm I decided to read one short story from a book about Witches of all kinds by authors whose names are not known to me except that of Neil Gaiman and his name was enough to sell it to me. So far I haven’t been disappointed one jot. It’s called Under My Hat, Tales from the Cauldron. I got up at 1.57 am, not understanding why it was cool and dark. Yes, the concept of night is known to me yet seemed a little alien just then. I roused myself for long enough to start the mail, with a break for breakfast and coffee at 3.00 am. By 5.15 am I was able to go and sit in my chair in the lounge. It was almost 7.00 am before I woke to Joey singing ‘Oh what a Beautiful Morning’ and that was the first time I ever knew he liked musicals. No wonder he gets peeved when I turn them off. I opened his cage door for him. Knowing I had plenty of time I decided to fill some bottles in the kitchen, no, not like earlier in the week, I decanted from a large Pepsi Max bottle into smaller Pepsi Max bottles that are much easier to handle for popping pills, having by the bedside and also having on my side table in the lounge. Decanting it also gives it the chance to become a little flat thus resulting in less hiccups for me. If I bought the little bottle size every week it would cost a fortune and you’d hear me coming a mile away.                                                                             At about 8.30 am I returned to work and once I was clear I was able to get dressed. I spent the majority of the morning going back and forth between my desk and the lounge. I wanted to be as clear a possible when the time came to go out. I had a message from my nephew that he’d pick me up about noon (I hope his back’s in good condition). He lied, it was almost five past. I hadn’t long paid a visit to the desk so I was as up to date as it was possible to get without employing a mind reader. We arrived a little early at the venue which was a golf club (one of the woods) but it wasn’t too many minutes before Joanne arrived came for hugs then went inside. Lee got Nathan out of the car and they started taking bags inside for me. Except for Lee’s birthday prezzies which we left where they were until Tuesday. I stayed smoking a cigarette in the car park while Jen was inside the car with their youngest son Elliot asleep. I finished my cigarette and went inside, It was nicely decorated. Before long people I knew were arriving, my four cousins with their respective partners, my brother Dil and his wife brought their daughter Jessica with her two children and of course Yvonne arrived with my two monsters. Soon the place was packed with Karen’s family and friends . There were numerous none to subtle reminders of it being her 50th around like big signs that said “You are 50” and “50 Today”, She needed armed guards for the gifts. Her actual birthday is Wednesday but she’s going to Ireland so we got the insults out of the way today. She was having a lovely time.There was nice food on so I was able to take some tablets. There was live music and children careering around the floor at knee height. Soon enough it was time for people to depart. The cousins went, Dil and clan left. Yvonne’s taxi came to take her to the station and Lee and Jen almost got away before I caught them. It was a slow journey home as the grockles were going home after their holidays or their weekends and the roads were jampacked. Once I got in I had to go straight to work to catch up and that took from 4.30 pm to 7.15 pm. After that I went in to watch the idiot box and promptly fell asleep. I didn’t wake till 9.20 pm. 11.55 now.

I want to wish you a happy new week and remind you to keep sharing those smiles and hugs with those who haven’t any of their own. One day we will have peace through kindness. This is my last blog and I want you to know that I’ve had a blast over the years in such good company and you know that many of you are very special to me from what we’ve shared over all this time. Thank you all so very much for all your kindnesses. I wish you all much happiness in the future. I’ve closed comments off this time as I couldn’t easily say goodbye to you all individually.                                                               Huge Hugs, David