Oscar’s New World Order

6/5/2012

    It was CATastrophic. There I had been, contented after my sachet of prime beef and ready for sleep. Within minutes I was in a world I couldn’t recognise, couldn’t understand and didn’t like.

I had walked to the village to check on my interests and seen small groups of the local cats and kittens along my way. In the centre by the Fursty Ferret sat Ginger or rather stood like  a Longlegs reading from a paper tacked to the wall. “What are we to do Oscar?” he said “we can no longer be friends.”
“What rubbish is this Ginger” I asked, ” how can we not be friends after having been so for such  a time?”
“Ti’s no longer to be allowed since this new Cat Council has come into being.”
“Cat Council? What are you blathering about Ginger.”
“Read it” he said.

                                                  By Order of the Cat Council.
Let it be known in the world of Moggies that the Council has in it’s wisdom decreed changes that are to be implemented immediately.
No more will there be mixing of breed. 
From now on Pure White Persians are the true breed and are selected for rule. Only they shall sit on the Council.
Ginger and marmalade cats are to be the troops under the direction of the Council and who are to enforce the rules.
Black cats are the workers and are to perform all the duties decided for them by the Council and told to them by the troops.
Manx Cats are to be pitied and laughed at.

No groups are to socialise with each other since obviously only Pure White Persians are worth socialising with. We, the Council will decide whether anyone from one group can rise in  the ranks to another- simply they can’t.
All worship shall be decided by The Council. We shall decide on a deity suitable for each rank. That deity shall be governed by the rules of the Council.
If any kitten should be found playing in a way thought not suitable or playing with a kitten from another group,  that kitten can be beaten by the Deity’s Pastor of the flock. Especially if they are found to be playing with others of the same sex.
Any older kittens found to be with others of the same sex will be ostracised from all groups and deemed to be unclean.

Signed
Supreme Mog

” But this is patently ridiculous Ginger” I told him.” We’re far too civilised to live this way. Just ignore it, obviously a big joke.”
“But……” he said, and at that moment I woke up. I laughed to myself. How silly, I thought. After all, no-one could live like that could they?

                                                             It’s for you.

                 Not a good idea to say “Where’s your nose Amelie?” Excavation due.

Confrontation and Lies

9/4/2012

I decided to take a walk round my village this morning just to make sure all’s well. It’s been a few days since I did so. As I was getting to The Fursty Ferret I saw Ginger and young Frisk, a newcomer, talking. Or rather Ginger was doing the talking and Frisk the listening. I wandered over in time to hear Ginger saying “And I  suggest you don’t say a word about it from now on”.
“About what Ginger?” I asked.
“Oh hello Oscar, nothing important” he said.
“I was just asking if it’s true that two rats rule the roost in your house” said Frisk with what looked like a smirk.

“I don’t know who you’ve been listening to kitten” I said, “but make no mistake, I’m still as much in charge there as ever.”
“Just what I’ve been saying” added Ginger.
It was easier to feign indifference to what Frisk said than to actually work out in my mind whether what I’d said was true since the unfortunate incident with my tail, but I wasn’t about to voice my doubts.

I continued with my stroll as though nothing was wrong but it worried me that a newcomer could so easily voice thoughts that made me look silly in front of my friends. I have to fix this and quickly I thought. With a new determination I turned and headed for home. Just inside the gateway there was a rustle and quick as a flash I pounced showing Frisk and Ginger who seemed to have followed me that I’d lost none of my speed. It was a small field mouse and as my jaws caught it, the mouse played dead. I realised to my relief it was a mouse I’d caught before and had asked to play dead in exchange for it’s life. From the corner of my mouth I spoke to Frisk “Do you really fink anyone oo cud catch a mouse vis fasht is not boss at home?” I didn’t wait for his reply but went indoors. Inside I made sure I avoided the screaming Longlegs and went straight to an open clearway and dropped the mouse outside again. “You’re lucky I didn’t bite” I said “now why not find somewhere else to live?”

I went to the room for sitting and stood before the cage where the rats live. Hmm, daylight, they’re asleep I thought. I called out.”Hey rats, come on out and talk for a minute”.
Two heads duly appeared followed by two bodies that stretched out from sleep and lastly came two tails, huge long hairless things.
“What do you want?” said Rat 1
“Is it food time?” said Rat 2.
” Stop thinking about your stomach Penny ” said Rat 1 “it’s almost dragging on the floor.”
“Listen” I told them, “I want a truce and a little favour!
“Have you got anything to eat?” said the one called Penny”even a little tail would do.” and I swear there was a little snigger there.
I picked up one of their chocolate drops between my teeth and leaned towards the cage. Penny came to take it and as she did I caught one of her whiskers. “Ouch”she said.
“Perhaps it’s time I made meal of something “I said and let go.
“I repeat, what do you want” said Rat 1.
“As we both have to live here, I suggest we make the best of it” I replied, “but, as you have your own little kingdom here and I have mine everywhere outside your home, if you help me regain my good name I’ll agree to leave you in peace.”
“Sounds reasonable” said Rat1 “so what’s the favour you want?”
“I need to carry one of you outside in my mouth to show I’m still the Superior here. After I’ve been seen I’ll bring you back unharmed.”

Rat 1 whispered to Rat 2 before turning back to me and saying. ” We agree. You can carry Penny out and I’ll watch to make sure you keep your word.”
Clever, I thought, making sure that one made sure she was safe. Easy to see who was the brains. When I opened the cage and Penny came towards me it was easy to see who was the stomach too.
I took her in my teeth and carried her outside. We were approaching the gate where Ginger and Frisky were still sitting when Penny said quietly ” Is there anything to eat out here?”
I shushed her and lay her inert body on the ground near Frisky. ” So the rats rule the roost do they? Here’s one that doesn’t and the other one is next.”
“Sorry Oscar” said Frisky ” you’re obviously still in charge.”
“Right”I said “I’ll leave this as a gift for my Longlegs” and carried Penny back inside. My jaw was relieved when I was able to set her down. It’s obvious rats don’t do diets. As a thank you I got two grapes from the room for food and brought them to the cage. I saw Rat 1 say thanks and start to eat while Penny ran with hers to the base to hide it and then come back to the top.”Come on Amy” she said, “share with me, after all, I was the one who went out.”
“Yes” said Amy “you did” and handed over her grape. Penny started eating and Amy ran down to get the one Penny had hidden to eat herself. “Oh , you’ve got another one ” said Penny, “that’s good.”
“Truce over Ladies ” I said, “from now on I’m the Superior round here and if you behave there’ll be more food. I left them eating their grapes.

Fair Play for Rats

30/3/2012

“Penny stop eating or you’ll explode, come over here and hold up this hook. That’s it, now I’ll just get through the gap and hold it from the other side so you can get through. Why would you want to get though? Well I thought you were going to help me put our side of the story here? Oh, you’d forgotten again. Right, just put down that peanut and hold this before someone comes.”

“Can’t I just take it with me wherever we”re going Amy”?

“Better not Penny since we don’t want to leave clues that we left home without Longlegs help.”

“Right Penny, we made it. This is the box I’ve seen the Longlegs use and also that smug cat who thinks he’s better than us. Him pretending to ignore us but I see those whiskers on the go twitching at our every move. OK now Penny. you have to listen. I need to press these buttons and will ask you to press some too. Yes, it’s important, and yes you can write the pretty words.”
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx “Penny, don’t lean on the letters please!”

HELP, we are two Lady Rats being held against our will inside a cat infested house. I know he will tell lies about us so that he doesn’t have to tell his friends we have taken his place in the affection of the Longlegs.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx “Penny, get your tummy off the keyboard please!”
To resume….. You will no doubt hear that we took a piece from his tail which is not true. He was leaning on our home and licking his lips when my sister decided to see if she could get him through the bars-as she does with everything- and had to get a good grip with her teeth to allow her to brace herself with her hands. No malice intended. I want the world to be aware that we are not here by choice and that I was caught on the last dash for freedom I made.
“Penny Dear, don’t try and eat that please, you’ll cut off the electrickers we need to send this message.”
To resume…… Please disregard anything the cat says about us until you’ve heard our side of the story but be prepared for squeals if he attempts to make a meal of us. His squeals I mean. But, if you want to rescue us from this environment, we’ll be most grateful.
“Yes Penny, I know you’re hungry, we can go back now. You just write the pretty words at the end and sign it.!
HALP US PLAESE
LOVE FORM
PENI NAD AMI.