The Unkind Heart & Africa Goes.

Sunday. I know I turned my light out last night a little after 12.15 am. I could hear the film Mike was watching until I drifted away. I woke up again at what I think was 3.00 am but The Sleepless One who Shall Not Be Named swears it was 3.15 am. What’s a quarter of an hour between friends. When I went to the loo not long after I swear someone was asleep though he swears not. I started on the mail and by 5.45 I was almost there and decided I could probably go back to bed for a while. I did nod off and enjoyed a few hours sleep only to find when I got up it was all of 6.21 am  and to add insult to injury that 30 minutes or so had collected me another 42 pieces of post. Still, it’s a Sunday, I have all the time in the world, why worry. I saw to the fish at 7.00 am, took my meds and made myself a coffee. I carried on working , commenting, liking, thanking, in my own little world when all of a sudden an apparition appeared at my door. No, not the ghost of Oscar but Himself. The man who can’t get out of bed without three calls from the alarm clock, a shout from me, a coffee and a bolt of lightning from Zeus himself. It’s 8.21 in the a.m. and he’s trying to give me a heart attack. you can tell he knows what he’s doing to me because this breathless wheeze escapes his mouth that makes him sound like Muttley.

I’m in such shock I let him make his own coffee. I’m thinking of having another mouthwash, purely for medicinal purposes you understand. He chooses that moment to dash off to the bathroom so I just carry on working. The forecast for today is quite good and Mike suggests a car boot. I like the idea but suggest not going to the big one as the ground will be sodden underfoot after yesterdays downpour. Instead there’s a smaller one fairly local which is on hardstanding so he agrees to that.We get out about 9.15 am and arrive about 9.40 am. There aren’t as many stalls as I’d hoped and the best bargains might have gone but there’s plenty left. We hit one stall and buy some books, 4 each from a young lady who said she didn’t think she was going to sell any of her books today. Mike said she just hadn’t had discerning readers up till that point as he chose 4 Stephen Donaldson’s, I chose 4 Terry Brooks. I picked up the obligatory picture frame as nowhere would be the same these days if I didn’t buy a frame. I think I’ve more frames than wall now. A couple more books and then something like a doorbell that plays a wicked tune and says Beware at the end because it reminds us of the Addams Family. Finally a computer/office chair which is leather and looks unused. We were done and decided we needed a coffee.

We headed for Flint and stopped at my favourite shop for chocolates on the way. Then a few minutes in a shop with SALE written across the windows of course. Finally we got to Temptations for a drink. He was very disappointed that Ceri wasn’t there to argue with. We enjoyed the drink anyway as it was awfully warm outside and with the chair in the boot we couldn’t have the roof down. So, we took the goodies home swapped chairs. unpacked the rest of the stuff locked up again and took the old chair to the skips. Once disposed of we headed off to the Ivy for lunch and to see if Tariq and the family had managed to get their holiday after all. Mike’s earlier attempt to kill me finally caught up with me in the car. They had managed to get away and we were both pleased. Despite the weather it was busy there and poor Angie was suffering, rushed off her feet and very warm. She refused all offers of help from us though. At least she had help in the kitchen. We got our drinks and lunch followed not long after. As usual we enjoyed it very much. Because things were so busy we decided not to hang around so expecting to get away without any argy bargy I went to pay. I hadn’t reckoned on Angie who was adamant I should pay the bill and nothing more who hadn’t reckoned on me who said I always leave a tip to show my appreciation and Suck It ! I won I’m glad to say. If they weren’t worthy of a tip I’d be a lot meaner.

We went home and Mike loaded the car with his suitcase in preparation for the next stage of his journey, to make his Dad suffer like he does me. He tried to persuade me to go to bed but it was a case of Talk to the Hand. I knew there would be a lot of mail. I waved him off and came back where I bumped into a neighbour and then came in and started work. 173 (Thanks a lot peeps) which kept me going until 5.45 pm when I needed a break. I took a tablet and had a piece of toast then turned on a film I’m sure they said was by Quentin Tarantino. A young orphan living in a Paris railway station winding the clocks unknown to anyone else. I’m afraid I was done by 6.45 and gave up. Back into battle. At 8.00 pm I went through to take my tabs and found I’d left the fish tank light on. They were out and didn’t seem to mind me seeing them. I turned it off with abject apologies and came through again for the night. I’ve kept apace with the messages so far but have broken off for this so I don’t knmnow how things are now. I’ll go and have one last effort.

We interrupt this broadcast with a Newsflash. Due to the pleading of the Lord Daud fan club, yes both of them The Snail and East Of Malaga I now have to shock some of you who have a delicate spirit. They require proof that I have indeed purchased and genuinely worn my Mr Men lounge pants. I am going to spare you as much as I can but it was necessary to take a selfie of just one leg. Look away now Ethel.

Stand near the fridge so you don’t overheat (laughing).

Monday. It was 5.12 am today. I consider it a lie-in and a treat.I know I’d been dreaming and as I went through to go to the loo I leaned in to the big bedroom to say something to Ju. It was deflating to see the bed empty and for a second or two I didn’t understand. I suppose it’s just as well Mike wasn’t there or I may have woken him burbling some nonsense or other. Going back to the bedroom and the new computer chair that also catches me out because I go to lean on the arm as I’m used to doing and it’s about 6 inches lower.I fall over. There was such a lot of mail today that when I went through at 7.00 am to see to the fish I had barely dented them. I went through the usual routine and took my coffee back to the bedroom. ( actually now I’m out of bed I should call it the office and make it sound grand).

I’d wrapped most of it up by 9.15 am and went to get washed and dressed so I could take my prescription to the chemist’s. It was really warm out and I was sorry not to have changed to sunglasses. The poor girl I saw in the shop was really warm. Taking a slow walk back was pleasant despite knowing more mail would be waiting. It was. Not a major problem though as today’s pace was going to be slow. At 11.00 am I knocked off for a break and went to see what was on the goggle-box. Sometimes there are interesting programmes on like Who Do You Think You Are. I’m not sure I got as far as turning it on before I nodded off. It was only for 35 minutes but was very welcome. I took my pre-lunch tablet and put some new potatoes on to boil. Cold meat, coleslaw, tomato and wonderful new potatoes. I even managed to stay awake for my antiques prog.

After that it was time to hit the mail again until 2.00 pm when I received a text from Yvonne to say my niece, Mike’s daughter was on her way. She’s over from Poland on a short visit and seeing everyone she can. I have a rough idea how long it takes for a car to get here from Chester so I went outside to meet the car when it was due. Lisa and her son Alex got out and I was amazed how much he’s grown since I last saw him. A quick hug and back inside for drinks and in Alex’s case, liquorice allsorts, chocolate biscuits and an ice lolly. Lisa and I had a good catch up on the rest of her family, especially her mother, and also on her pregnancy since she’s been for a scan. I now know the sex of the baby and can tease Mike since he doesn’t want to know. They stayed with me until almost 5.00 pm then headed off on their next visit. It was lovely to see them.

Next it was back to the dread machine again for an hour. I wanted a break for tea and a little TV so knocked off from 6.00 to 8.00 pm. Unusually for me I watched the news about what’s happening with the plane crash in the Ukraine. I’m devastated for the families of all those killed. I hope they release the bodies soon and treat them with some dignity. I also watched another Antiques Road Trip with two good participants so it was good. Finally at 8.00 pm I turned the box off, took my tablets and came through. I’ve been battling to get straight ever since. Time to have a last go at it before getting some sleep as I’m due out tomorrow to see Yvonne and Reuben.

Tuesday. A 3.50 am day. My pattern seems to have gone to heck just lately but at the end of the day I get up when I get up and that’s that. One day I’m going to surprise Mike and stay in bed longer than him. I started work on the mail and kept an eye on the clock, though I wish I’d taken it with me when I’d gone to the loo. One eye doesn’t improve your aim. At 6.00 am I went through (early) to see to the fish and one of the plecs was dashing about like a mad thing as though he had ants in his pants. At least he settled down to eating when I put the algae wafer in. The plecs are usually very laid back.My favourite fish of all,time (  sorry Olive) was Zippy who I had in a 6 foot tank. He was a rescue pangasius and grew to over 18 inches while I had him. He had to be rehomed with someone with a bigger tank still. He was a catfish and as you can tell from his name was rarely still. But he loved the timbre of my voice ( mahogany in case you want to know) and would come to the edge of the tank for me. So beautiful

Pangasius shark

Olive on the other hand was an oscar I had in a tank in my bedroom. She had a face only  a mother ( or me) could love with a big bottom lip like she was sulking.Very, very powerful musculature. She was about 8 inches long when one night I woke to a crash and she’d jumped, thrown the double lid off the tank and landed on the bed with me. She was actually bleeding from contact with the lid but she survived. If I was working and ignoring her she pick gravel from the bottom of the tank in her mouth and spit it at the glass until I paid attention. A few words, a stroke and she was fine again for a while. On the other hand Ju had Ollie, Olive’s nemesis in a tank in her room. They were hell if kept together. And he’d wait for Ju to put her hand in to clean the tank and he’d go for her. More than once he drew blood the little so and so, but Ju adored him.

Olive. Ollie was darker with black streaks.

Ju had 7 tanks in total with all sizes of fish from a 20 inch catfish to a half inch neon. Eventually her arthritis + caused so much trouble she couldn’t manage anymore and we rehomed the fish and the tanks bar the small 32 x 12 x 18 tank I have now with the last 5 fish.

Anyhoo, I fed the monsters, had a piece of toast, took my meds and brought a coffee through. It was now about 6.30 am so I washed and dressed. I shot through the rest of the post as quickly as possible so when 7.25 came I was almost there. I put ‘puter into a deep sleep, got my backpack on , grabbed the bag of things I couldn’t get in the backpack and headed off for the bus stop.  I was there in plenty of time as the bus was late. The usual driver wasn’t there but hearing someone chatting to this driver I found out he’s on a fortnights holiday in Sunny Scotland. The journey wasn’t bad in that we made up the lost time but that meant a very jerky Brands Hatch journey. Then when we reached Chester the man turned left instead of right and lost me completely. Eventually I got off in the main street by M & S and had to rush to meet Yvonne. At least she’d gone to the cafe when I said I was late and wasn’t waiting at the bus terminal. I was glad of my latte when I got there. Reuben was smiles all round at fist but a little tetchy later and it looks like apart from having been poorly his mouth is under assault from new teeth again. At least he was fine for me while Yvonne looked at all the new stuff I’d bought him. There were the usual moans to ignore of course.

We left there and went looking round H & M where for once I didn’t find anything for him. I didn’t in NEXT either though I did manage to get Ugo something, and stroppy madam bought herself something. We shopped for food, had a nice drink sitting outside a cafe, I had a milk shake. Eventually I did find something for Reuben and for Yvonne too and two more things for Ugo. Nothing for me today though. After the last shop I decided to go home while Yvonne went and got ready for work. She was swapping the care of Reuben with Ugo at the door of her work and Ugo was coming with him to me. When they arrived Ugo brought me the jacket that Yvonne had scored over me with. A match for last weeks waistcoat. Wonderful, but now I have to start plotting again. Ugo bought a chippie tea, I had sausage with mine, also gravy and mushy peas. I was very careful with the eating as it now looks as though I’ll have a mouth ulcer next. I think I’m run down even though I haven’t stood in front of Mike.

They left about 6.30 pm and I attacked the 184 messages and am still working on them without even a quiz tonight. Do I hear an Awww?

Wednesday. It was an amazing 6.05 am today, nearly 6 full hours with no middle of the night visits. It didn’t help clear the mail though. At 7.00 am I went through to th kitchen having barely made a dent in it. The cory and two of the plecs were waiting so I didn’t keep them waiting long.  I had some toast and my tabs then as usual took my coffee back to the bedroom. The coffee seemed to have the opposite effect to it’s reputation,  I was continually leaning forward and nodding off over the keyboard. It was so bad at 8.00 am I even went back to bed and did fall asleep. I was back up at 8.35 am though. Thst little boost didn’t do the job and I was still nodding so decided it was time for some fressh air and went to Pauline’s for my TV mag.  I did feel better when I came back but I was back dozing at the desk before 10.00 am. If a man falls asleep at his desk and there’s no-one around to hear him, does he really snore? Of course not.

The mail was roughly up to date by 10.55 am so I went and sat in my chair in the lounge. Big mistake, its hot today and the sun is streaming in. Within minutes I’m asleep again, When I finally come to it’s lunchtime and I turn on the TV for the antiques show while I eat. I wash the pots and sit down again.  There’s a very strange feeling in my chest like something about to happen but I’m not sure what. The pain isn’t like my angina and the tightness isn’t there. A quirt of my nitro doesn’t do much except give me a headache but by then I’m asleep yet again. It was gone 2.00 pm before I went back to the computer and Oh No, the inbox is full again. I had to stay there until 5.15pm before I got up to date. A few minutes after I’d finished Lee arrived.He’ working from home at the moment and really under pressure. Dil and Matt turned up about 5.30 pm so the crowd all here. I wait until the quiz on TV finished before I bring the card table out and crikey, that hurts. I can’t let Dil do it ass he’s hurt his back and he’d have to move if I got one of the boys to do it.

I decided we’re playing Yahtzee first and that turns out to be a big mistake as my brother who whinged about losing last week gets 3 yahtzees in the first game. While I score less than 200 points having lost my bonus up top, his score is over 600. We play four rounds of this with each of us starting in turn. I did manage one Yahtzee in total but no-one can catch Dil up. The game took quite a while and as we finished Dil suggested Cribbage in pairs. We managed 3 games with Dil and Matt taking 2 to Lee’s and my 1. So perhaps not my best night at games but at least there was some laughter when Lee obviously making allowances for the rate of inflation starts counting Sixteen for one, sixteen for two……. because he’s a novice at crib there was some hilarity when we came out with One for his knob and two for his ball and bat. From now on I think we’ll stick to plain counting. They all left at 9.30 pm and I tidied up and washed pots before coming through to do battle. It’s been hell. The pain is still there, the pain of losing never goes away and now I think I’ve got RSS in my wrists from typing. I hope you all had a nice Wednesday.

I don’t seem to be able to paste a video for you tonight, Sorry.

 

Thursday. I repeated the 6.05 am again this morning. This time there seemed to be less effort staying awake doing the mail even though there was another boring message from Burkina Faso  about my millions and a clever one purporting to be from MBNA on behalf of Virgin credit cards. It might have fooled me if I’d had an account with them. The fish seemed quite happy to see me at 7.00 am which is worrying, I know where I am when they’re angry with me- usually a long distance away. I had the usual toast and my tablets then took the coffee back to work. At some point I got dressed and went for fresh baps. Oh my, it’s like being in the middle of the Nevada Desert with the sun beating down unmercifully on my head and me crying out for a cooling drink, but the pubs aren’t open yet so I go home instead.

I wasn’t sure if someone from the chemist might call this morning so I didn’t hesitate much to open the front  door part way. It was a mistake. There were two people, an elderly gentleman and a very pretty lady who did the talking. She’s been before so bear this in mind. As always the conversation started pleasantly, as always I retreat into an utter wreck, shaking and stuttering for Britain. That I’m in difficulties and distress must be obvious. Trouble is I’m not impolite so even if I could have said “Get lost” I wouldn’t. I’m sure there Jehovah’s Witnesses are lovely people out of uniform but it seems once they don the jackboots everyone is fair game. At some stage I was asked some innocuous question to which I was able to answer “But I don’t believe in God” though you’ll have to add a lot more random D’s and B”s to that sentence to get the gist of how it sounded. She asked whether I was perhaps an evolutionist then to which I was able to nod though at this point I was more inclined to go for the Glasgow Kiss in which I’m sure Seumas can educate you. The , “We’ll go in a minute and let you get on” was followed by reading some passages from the bible which were meant to show God was responsible for building my bungalow and for the landscaping. After leaving me some booklets to look at they finally left and my doorstep was clear. I bet if someone was coming from the chemist they took one look, laughed and ran off. I’ve  known them for over 5 years and would have been able to talk yet these people tried to make me talk despite the obvious difficulties. I told you to bear in mind the woman had been here before. I managed to tell her last time how difficult it is for me to face new people, to talk to them. I hardly ever open the door to them s I’m beggared if that fella from Burkina Faso ever hand delivers my cash. Yet because this woman , this church, feels the need to invade people’s space they’ll come again and again. Little wonder that people can be rude to them. I swear I’m going to reopen the Buthidar church and go into competition with them. A ‘One Size Fits All’ anti-religion where tolerance, respect, equality, love and above all Hugs is the order of the day.

For lunch I had bangers, new potatoes and peas. I watched the first medal in the Commonwealth Games fall to a Brit (OK, she was English but there were no Welsh contestants). It was for the triathlon and she was magnificent. Then it was back to work to make up for my unscheduled stop. I did have an hours sleep to try and help me recover from the discomfort I’m in and perhaps it worked a bit. I worked again except for a gap to have some tea and a break from 5.15 pm to 7.20 pm but no, I wasn’t eating all that time. I came back through to try and keep abreast of the mail ( Oh, I shouldn’t use that word in my state of health- to keep up with the mail is better). I needed to make sure I could  get the post done before having a read. I also want to see if I can understand why youtube is not posting to here anymore.

 

Still having problems with youtube videos I’m afraid.

Friday. It was a 5.54 am day so the times are still hovering around the 6.00 am mark. Perhaps whoever does the book-keeping for the Gods realises they’ve been making an error for a long time and are trying to make it up to me before I go up and complain. As it happens this favour has put the pressure on a bit with mail but we’ll bypass that. The pain in my chest has receded even more it seems. There isn’t much tightness there either now. I still don’t feel like going out and the urge to dress is missing. I worked until 7.30 am before going through to feed the fish, I tell myself it isn’t because I got carried away and forgot but that they’ve had a couple of late nights since I got carried away and forgot.

Being Friday it was also time to do the weekly tablets ( yes, I’d forgotten that too) so I decided to save time by not having breakfast. I’ll just have to remember to eat tea. That took me until 8.30 am when I was able to go back to work with my coffee. I suddenly remembered that my nephew is coming this morning to collect my African art so I break off to go and take it off the shelves and replace it with all the board games that have taken up station next to the cupboard recently. I leave everything laid out neatly on the settee for him as I don’t know how he’ll want to pack it. I decide maybe I’d better get dressed after all but it can wait till I have my breath back so I sit at the computer with the mail for a few minutes that become half an hour. In fact I’ve not long been dressed before he arrives bringing his wife and little girl with him. I haven’t seen them in a while. Of course I’d covered up most of the available seating so we had to find bags to pack everything into. I offered drinks and they got to looking at the now famous photo wall. The photos made us touch on a couple of sore subjects which aren’t easily solved. I was also reminded that next Saturday I’m invited to a party to meet the Great Niece I didn’t know existed until recently.

They left before lunchtime and I had a further go at the mail before breaking off to make something to eat. A small beef joint and some new potatoes today but I couldn’t finish it all. I watched a little of the Commonwealth Games and then my antiques show before deciding to have a snooze. Oddly no text from Mike yet.That came at 1.30 pm and woke me up I’m glad to say. He’s on his way so I’d better make sure the mail is well under control before he gets there so I don’t have to love him and leave him. Given the usual 3 hours I expect him about 4.30 pm. After that time I start to panic but I don’t want to text and disturb his driving. I was in and out of the pit working a lot while waiting. In the end he arrived after 6.00 pm because of traffic problems. We gassed, put the world to rights and watched TV. Then it was time for the ritual hairwash and my shower. The pain was a little more prominent so Mike helped me dry off, at least he said that’s what he was doing when he kept flicking the towel at me. The worst of it was I’d had to sit down on the karsie by then ( lid down people).

I made us a sandwich which we followed up with dark choc ices and we carried on blethering until 9.00 pm when it was my cue to depart. I’ve made a good hole in the mail and managed to do the blog and it’s not yet midnight. Yay, I’m off for a read. Night all.

Saturday. Things must be getting back to normal since it was a 4.59 am day despite having read till well gone midnight last night. Mike was up even later than me watching something on TV . I didn’t even have any wanderings in the middle of the night so was more than ready to get out of bed when I woke. Because I’d finished a little early last night there was an accumulation of mail from yesterday to finish before I got to today’s.  Not that I was too worried as I felt OK at that stage. At about 6.45 am I went through to the kitchen to shine a light on my fishy friends and to take my tablets. I was on my way out to check I had enough tabs to take out in my little pillbox when Mike’s alarm went off. I turned on my heel and went back to make a drink for him.  Once done I followed the well trodden path of taking it through and a little louder than necessary, announcing it’s arrival.I checked the pillbox and went back to the kitchen to get my own drink and to empty the bins. Yeah, I nearly emptied the damned things all over the floor when I saw this apparition sitting in Mike’s chair, holding Mike’s coffee and having the cheek to light one of his cigarettes. Not even a second alarm. The little beggar even had the impudence to smirk at me. I almost changed my mind and emptied the rubbish over him except I didn’t fancy the job of cleaning up afterwards. Instead I asked him to put new bags in the bins while I took the full ones out. Then I put the recycling bags out , washed my hands and nipped back to my room to check the mail. Just 6 so I rattled them off and took my drink through to the lounge to keep Mike company ( If it was really him).

With a little gentle cajoling and some outright sarcasm I got him to get ready to go out and we beat our previous best by a few minutes arriving at the Supermarket by 8.05 am. After getting the jackpot on the ATM again we started shopping. There wasn’t a great deal to do but there was a lot of ground to cover so it took a while. We had a coffee afterwards and mine was one of those cold frappe ones with loads of ice so he sat watching me like a hawk hoping I’d get brain freeze. From there we headed to Flint as I’d heard one of our shops has a special on furniture at the moment and I was hoping to get a big brother for the micro bookshelves I bought recently. No joy I’m afraid but we both came out with some unnecessary clothing that was too good a bargain to miss. Then it was time to witness the sexual innuendo and affectionate banter between Mike and our Ceri in Temptations. I swear there are customers on a Saturday morning who just go in to listen to those two charge their horses at each other in joust. It’s almost like peeping through the nets at something naughty happening on the lawn only to find the nets are too thick so you end up having to imagine it. She’s an absolute dream though and so funny.

From there we went home to unpack. I was hoping to see to the mail before we went out again but somehow we ended up on Facebook trying to befriend Ceri and finding she doesn’t have a friend request box anywhere and believe me we looked. I’ll have to wait till we see her and ask her to befriend me instead. By the time we’d both given up in disgust it was time to go for lunch and we were looking forward to finding out if Tariq managed to get the family passports sorted in time to go on holiday. He appeared delighted to see us when we walked in and came round the counter to give us hugs. I still don’t know many men who aren’t afraid to do that. After that Shella came out and passed me a bag which contained some sticks of rock they’d brought back after I’d joked with Tariq about it. I didn’t expect they’d be able to get rock abroad and so was only teasing him. We all burst out laughing but I managed to get a hug and kiss from Shella. I put the chocolates on the counter for Angie, she’s done a great job while they were away. Tariq made our drinks and took the food order while Mike and I went outside into the beautiful sunshine for a cigarette. Lunch didn’t take very long when we were inside. Afetr we’d finished we had a long chat with Tariq and then Shella came to talk to us too. It’s like going to a friends house for lunch. Fortunately as it came time to leave I was able to give the money to Shella who doesn’t argue with me even though she passed it to Tariq I was OK as he was busy with someone else.

As we left I was expecting to head home to do my mail but Mike expressed a wish to go to Llandudno to see our friend. I could hardly refuse so Mike phoned him and turned left out of the gate. The journey was a little short of an hour and we got there to listen to the story of the woman upstairs who’s harassing him for having a dog when she has a cat.I used the term woman instead of lady as I’ve heard some of the language she uses which puts me to shame. We decided to go out for a drink instead of sitting inside in all the heat. That’s probably the last time today I’ll rub it in about our weather . We got to a parking space and walked round to a cafe where I ordered a milkshake it being to warm for coffee…I thought. The sun was shining down but this Queen of Resorts is famous for being a windy city and it’s reputation was well deserved today. The wind was colder than the milkshake, I held the cup to keep warm. When we finished and defrosted, moving back into the sunlit streets without wind it was glorious again. We dropped Brian off at home again and started our own journey so we arrived back at about 6.00 pm. I’ve been in here ever since apart from a ten minute break to wash some pots and to put Ju’s new flowers into vases for her. It’s now getting late.

At the Zoo

At the Zoo 2

 

Banana Boat Song Anyone?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Out to Lunch and a Breakdown.

Sunday. I suppose it’s my own fault I got to bed so late last night though come to think of it, it’s much more likely it was your fault really with having sent so much mail I had to catch up with.  I expect you’re going to say I should have started on it earlier but that’s just typical of you isn’t it, trying to deny me even a few hours of freedom. Well I won’t stand for it d’you hear, I won’t, I won’t.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    It was actually past seven this morning when I woke up and dragged myself out of bed.  My bladder was talking to me and I’m pretty sure the message was along the lines of move now or forever hold thy p…….. well you know what I mean. I moved. A quick wash, a trip to the kitchen for a coffee and time to start the mail. Quite a few messages but not too many on the blog. I’m wondering if it’s too unwieldy and I should perhaps change the frequency. I worked for a while, dried my tears when I checked the lottery then realised it’s another rollover on the euro and saving itself for me on Tuesday, just nicely timed for the New Year. At half past nine I got dressed and made myself another drink and wondered which side of mid-day Mike was getting up. At ten o’clock I decided for him, I was fed up of talking to myself. He came through bringing the coffee I’d made him and we chatted about the date he’d been on last night. The joke’s always been if he’s not in bed by eleven he has to come home. He came home. Just before twelve when he looked a little more human ( little being the operative word) we set off for lunch. He argued it was my choice this week as he’s made his first ever decision last week. I suggested The Blossoms on the grounds it’s close and he’ll be able to set off for his Dad’s a bit earlier after we’ve eaten. As we opened the door at the Blossoms the ever attentive barman came towards us. ” Sorry lads” he said, ” no meals today as the boss and all his family are ill and he won’t be able to cook.” Mike made a comment about eating his own cooking, we left our commiserations, best wishes for a quick recovery and departed. A little flummoxed I suggested another pub a little drive away which turned out to be a private house when we arrived. In a panic as time was passing we drove down a convoluted country lane o arrive at the third choice which we could see was open. Allelujah, until we were told it would be four fifteen before they could fit us in. By now we’d almost come full circle so I made one more suggestion of a pub called The Halfway House no too far away. We pulled up to what appeared to be darkness and when Mike checked the doors they were not opening until two. The whole world has gone insane today. Neither of us wants to go to a pub chain that serves pre-done meals which are just heated and sometimes taste of sawdust. Mike being the genius he is suggests a place on the coast road ( we’re currently in the hills) that we passed last week on the way back from the Bells. Deciding it might be better than eating my own arm I agree. We start the descent and our ears pop. We hit one dead end and one farmyard before hitting the right road which we can see from the scrap armour was last used by a Roman Legion, probably the missing 13th Legion, but eventually hit the coast road a few hundred yards from home.Do you laugh or cry at a time like this, ever the pacifist I settled for hitting Mike. We reached the Cafe/restaurant called the Ivy Emporium and trek from the car park to the entrance. We make it inside. It’s very nice, comfortable looking and has some nice objet d’art on sale but we want food. I order gammon with pineapple (fruit) that comes with a side salad (veg) as my healthy option and make has a lamb burger with fries. We have coffee’s. It looks to be a one man show at first and I know I know him, but from where? He bids us sit and brings the drinks. Eventually we see a woman behind the bar that turns out to be his wife. The food was fantastic, fresh and very reasonable. He turns out to have had a barrista coffee house I used to like and his wife comes from my home town.  If you’re ever near Gronant on the coast road don’t miss this place.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    Mike drops me at home and goes to visit his Dad. I step up the efforts with my mail and then settle with a film on TV before having a shower. I have some Christmas cake for tea and decide to watch Poirot, then back to the mail.  Mike comes in about nine and chatters to me about his visit so I can’t concentrate so I return to the lounge and watch Death becomes her with him. I send him to bed to watch TV so I can get back to my room in order to give myself time for a read.  Night all.

Monday. Since Yvonne, Ugo and Reuben will be away tomorrow I decided today was a good day to see them and take the new outfits I bought Reuben over the weekend. I’d done my emails by the time Mike ignored the first ring of his alarm but he managed to stagger through to the lounge before the bell toll’d again.  At just gone nine we were on our way. There was drizzle but the wind seemed to be low which was just as well as he had me  in a confined space. Daydreaming and talking about old records from the dinosaur era he sailed past the first exit and I had to text Yvonne with a new ETA. When we arrive she still wasn’t ready though and laid the blame on Reuben not waking up. I’d forgotten two major factors in my comfort level today, 1. The kids are still off school, 2. The sales are on, so Chester was very crowded. My bodyguards had to stay close. We’d promised Mike a coffee at Central Perk ( from Friends) which was at the far end of town so I suggested one detour on the way to pick up some new sleepsuits I knew Reuben needed and which despite arguments I was determined to buy. I got some nice ones and also found some great outfits for him and some silly slippers for Mike which will serve to polish my floors whenever he wears them. Central Perk was too packed for a seat so we went to a Cafe Nero and as it was approaching lunchtime we had BLT’s with out drinks. Reuben looked longingly at them and was most disgusted to be getting just milk. We had a nice look round a few shops Mike hasn’t seen before and then headed back to Yvonne’s where we had another coffee and Reuben had some pureed carrots. He managed to pebbledash my trousers, jumper and hands with his raspberry blowing and with one almighty sneeze he divested himself of. Ugh !                                                                                                                  Reuben had been very good natured all day but as Mike and I stood up to go Reuben became very distressed actually crying real tears instead of the tantrum type. I felt so sorry for him, but we had to go. We got in the car and waved goodbye as they stood on the doorstep to make sure we left see us off. We hadn’t even reached the end of the road before a strange sound started coming from the bonnet. Mike reckoned it didn’t sound too good and I reckoned it just sounded expensive. Part way home, knowing we needed cigarettes Mike pulled in at a Supermarket. We decided to have a meal since it had only been a sandwich at lunch time. It was very nice and after getting what we needed we set off. As we pulled up to some traffic lights at the exit we both heard something clang on the ground. He pulled in and went to investigate. There on the floor was a large section of a spring from his front suspension. Gingerly we set off again and went to the local garage Mike likes to use. They were amazing and completely installed a new one in under 15 minutes. With his wallet £120 lighter we set off again and arrived home ten minutes later. 109 emails awaited me so I’ve been trying to clear them bit by bit. Mike has found it fun to disturb me as much as possible because ‘It’s Fun’. Just gone midnight and I’m finally done. I think I’ll nip through and set his alarm for 6.00 am and then get some sleep with my earplugs in.

Tuesday.New Year’s Eve. Not a lot to report today. By eight o’clock I’d done my first batch of mail , seen to the fish, taken meds and made myself a coffee ready to take on the next batch. Things are looking up as the old year ends as I’ve had another young lady(?) tell me how available she is for the close friendship she wants us to forge. I’ve also had an offer from Africa to share in a 26 million fortune sitting in a bank with no owner, boo hoo, Just as well really as I’m down to my last million already after Christmas and the sales. I was ready to go back and settle in the lounge when I heard Mike get up so I made him a coffee. Since he’s been getting a bit lively with his quick quips the last few days I gave him de-caff this time. I left him drinking as I went to post a birthday card to our ‘Sis’ and pick up a Eurolottery ticket for tonight. I asked for the winning ticket. It’s only 81 million tonight but I’ll just have to make do. By ten to twelve he was dressed and looking smart while I looked like I’ve survived the wreck of the Hesperus. We went to Kassidy’s so I could deliver a condolence card as Chris lost her father recently we heard.                                                                                       After lunch ( you notice how I avoided the subject of what I had there) Mike dropped me off and went to get his car detailed. He’s going home tomorrow for a couple of days and wants it to look nice before he goes. I approve as I don’t want people to think we have dirt and dust in Wales. When he came back I was watching Prince Caspian and if the adverts hadn’t chosen to come on he’d have been making his own coffee. We had the film and then a series of quizzes before I went for a shower. After that I felt the need to eat and take the tablets I’d forgotten to take out at lunchtime so we settled on, well let’s just say food and leave it at that. There was a new(to me) mystery show with Diana Rigg as the 1920’s flapper style rich woman detective which I’ll watch again if it’s on but won’t go out of my way for. Since then it’s been back to the post and sending out New Year greetings. I hope this is the start of a Wonderful New Year for each of you with Love and Laughter coming your way.

Wednesday. New Year’s Day. I managed to sleep until 6.15 today despite my late night.  I wanted to wish Julia a Happy New Year and looked around before I realised she wasn’t there so I whispered it to all the photographs instead. She should not have been taken until she’s had at least her three score and ten. More if I had a say in the matter. I should have been taken first.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                       The emails would not answer themselves so I got stuck in and was glad to see no stupid ones, the crooks have taken a day off. There were so many wonderful wishes of a Happy New Year and though I know you won’t read this until the Weekend, I want you to know I wish you all a Wonderful 2014 full of all those things you wish for yourself and others. I’m conscious today of the great relationships I’ve developed with so many nice people out there and I’m very grateful.                                                              Mike rose at about 10.00 am. I was in no rush to wake him as I know he’s going home today, even though he’s promised to return maybe tomorrow night. I’m sort of glad not to have had time to dwell on things too much recently. I made lunch at home and then promptly fell asleep in front of the TV for an hour. Once Mike had left I concentrated on my mail for a couple of hours before going to watch Tom Hanks in Terminal. My brother had texted to wish me a Happy New Year and said he wouldn’t be coming tonight as his back’s gone. As it’s New Year’s Day I hadn’t expected him but I’m sorry to hear about his back. It could be a few days before he’s well enough to move again. There have been text messages going and coming all day as well as the emails so they must have been bumping into each other on the ether. It’s such a time of Goodwill I wish it could be extended.

Thursday. What an idle day. For a time I wasn’t even sure I was going to get dressed and I’m fairly sorry I did now. Mail was up to date by 8.30 and I remembered I needed milk in case Mike kept his promise to return today. I’d better get dressed in case I shock the outside world but I might as well combine a couple of jobs. I threw on an old pair of  purple jeans and a matching shirt which went nicely with the mauve desert boots my Santa daughter had got me for Christmas. I took my repeat prescription  request to the chemist’s and returned their Happy New Year greeting with a wave. I walked back to Pauline’s and picked up the milk, some bread and my lottery tickets as there’s another rollover this week. Unfortunately she also had some big blocks of chocolate on special offer just at  moment I most needed some and I haven’t indulged over Christmas (much). A little more mail when I got home then I made lunch, sausages with sweet potato mash and baked beans. I added bread and butter to that for the bean juice but at least I didn’t have a pudding. I settled to watch some banal film on the TV and soon the Zzzz’s were drifting round the room. I woke to the sound of the phone going off telling me I had a message. Mike, to say he’s not coming back today but will be here late tomorrow afternoon. I told him to drive carefully though there’s a chance he might yet change his mind and stay safe at home.                                                                                                                                                                           I ate half of one big block of chocolate without even noticing I’d done it. Another hour on the computer and I returned to the TV screen for Body of Proof after which I made some tea.  A sandwich with a piece of Christmas cake so I could take my tablets. I decided to stay with TV for a while though I spent more time glancing through a catalogue than at the screen. I know it was Jackie Chan and I know it was childish but I couldn’t be bothered turning over or off.  I decided to change into something more comfortable and found I was changing something comfortable into me, namely the other half a bar of Aero. I was on my way back to the lounge when the sudden urge to throw up hit me. Serves me right but I still felt very sorry for myself .  Eventually I turned the goggle box off and came through to read my messages and comment on  a few blogs. That done it’s time to do the day’s blog and retire to read what I hope are the last couple of chapters in the book I’m reading. Despite having ebooks by the hundred I’m anxious to get my paws on the new Pratchett I got for Christmas from MuJo. Oops, just remembered my nighttime meds which I forgot last night. Maybe that’s why I was sick? Night all !

Friday. I hopped out of bed with alacrity this morning. Honestly, I have no idea how she got there. It was a terrible night with realistic dreams that kept bringing me to the brink of wakefulness but not allowing me to drop into a deep sleep. At one point I dreamed of a rat crawling in the corner of a room and someone going after it with a broom ( maybe they expected it to sweep up) but I recognised it as one of my girls and was trying to stop her being harmed. I had one leg fully on the floor at this point ready to break into a run. Anyway at just gone four I gave up and settled to read my messages. There are a number of great blogs out there that post after my bedtime and they can be a real joy to read sometimes. Today everyone seemed to be full of positivity. I’m having a problem getting my head round that as I don’t see signs the world is about to come to it’s senses and frankly I’m scared at the actions of some of our Governments. I see one politician who was recorded saying a year ago Britain is full, now denying ever having said so, this at a time when possibly floodgates are about to open in Europe again and put a greater strain on our economy than already exists. No politician seems able to defy Europe and say sorry, enough is enough, skilled workers or those that can self support only please, for now at least.                              I saw to the fish, had a coffee and decided to change Mike’s bed. I couldn’t get a swap for an elephant so I just changed the bedding for now. I put it in the washer and noticed how the ironing pile has grown. It took some real will power to ignore it again.                                                                                                                                                                           I didn’t much feel like cooking so took a walk to the local sandwich shop. It was closed !!! I had to cross the main road to another shop to find a sandwich. Unfortunately they also had chocolate on a special, some very healthy orange juice and I even bought some scratch cards which I wouldn’t normally do. That sandwich trek cost almost £15 by the time I’ d done though I did win £3 back on the scratchcards. I didn’t even enjoy the sandwiches as I sat and watched a film at lunchtime. Yet again I’m not saying what I had afterwards in case the bruises show. I went back to my mail and as I sat down at the computer got a text from Mike to say he was on the way.

Mail up to date I went back through to the lounge to watch Jesse Stone for Ju as she drooled over Tom Selleck and I’d just got comfortable when trouble walked in. If there were any police cars out today all they’d have seen of him would have been a blur from his afterburner as he shot past them. I swear he sees motorway speed signs as a starting point not as a limit. We watched the film together before I made us some tea. We settled to a series of quizzes and he asked whether I was taking a shower ( I couldn’t smell anything) but I explained I’ve gone quarterly as a new years resolution to save water. He wasn’t impressed. Remind me to buy some dry shampoo tomorrow. Ten o’clock and I came through for a last battle with the post and to write this section of blog ready for you poor folk tomorrow. Now I can go start my new Pratchett before getting my head down. I need a better night as there will be squeals like a stuck pig tomorrow when I enter Mike’s room with a bucket of cold water and tell him it’s raining.

Saturday. I was gliding down nicely to the rooftop. I can’t honestly say why, because there’s no chance I’ll be parachuting out of a plane at anytime in the near future. Just the slightest of breezes pushed me to the edge and my stomach turned over. Unfortunately there wasn’t anything to catch it ( any witty comments gets a lifetime ban) and I went straight to the floor. At least my body did while my head struck the bedside lamp and knocked it to the floor. It still turned on. My heart was pounding as I can’t stand the sudden look over the edge of high buildings. There’s even one advert on the box that has me turning away. It was ten to five and here I was sitting on the floor next to my lamp looking round in bewilderment. Luckily Mike didn’t hear a thing from his room though if he had all I’d expect would be a shout about keeping the noise down in the middle of the night.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                I started on my mail, and if anyone got gobbledegook messages I apologise now but it was hard to concentrate. My recent ‘Dreamfest’ is really getting to me. By seven I had a fair bit done and was able to do the coffees when I heard Mike’s alarm go off. I hereby humbly grovel to the fish whose tank did not get turned on today and who did not get fed.  We had coffee, got dressed, took out the rubbish and left to go shopping. We’d decided to go a little further afield as Mike wanted  a particular book as a gift for someone, I was going along to explain what the pictures meant and how many pennies he needed to get out of his purse which hasn’t seen the light of day since Dickens died. We didn’t do badly on the shopping but it wasn’t record time due to distractions caused by signs saying ‘SALE’.Fair play, I only bought one small item as a gift. We ignored all my favourite shops and drove towards the bookshop stopping for a coffee and a quick peep at another sale. I must have come over all a dooda because I found myself buying Mike a coat he’d been looking for, a sort of jacket for myself which might have come with a pair of jeans and possibly a gift for my favourite son-in-law. Leaving the shop laden with bags and a befuddled expression like the recently hypnotised ( is it possible I wonder…..?)  we headed for the bookshop where Mike got the book he needed no problem and I ended up with two as well.                                                                                                                                                                                      The suggestion was  I go straight home and lie down in a darkened room to get over the shock but as ever the car diverted of it’s own free will. We ended up in Flint having a coffee at Temptations and though the usual banter was there our lovely friend was not on top form having been assaulted during the week. We both offered all the support we could.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          Shopping unpacked I left Mike with the football half-time scores while I came through for the 103 messages awaiting me. Aaargh. It was five fifteen when I finished and went through to watch an interesting history programme. We had tea after which we shared a Christmas pudding the size of a football and watched a cold-case forensic programme I haven’t seen before which was excellent.Unfortunately it didn’t end until eleven twenty-five leaving me to do the 100 yard dash to get here to finish the blog before midnight. Some miserable unnamed personage came through and refreshed my email so I now have 50 of those to cope with. Said person started to snicker and left with a kick up the nether regions. …………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

Have  a Great Week everyone.

You need Hands

Sunday. After the flooding of yesterday I knew I could get into no further trouble today if I sat quietly all morning and did e.mails and designed a few Christmas cards. The mails were mainly from you  lovely people who’d commented on the blog and in some cases left me with a large smile. There were however two other messages that piqued my interest, one to tell me I’ve won a book in a rafflecopter draw and asking me what format I’d prefer it in ( what’s a rafflecopter?) and the other one from a Nigerian business man who’s found a way to bilk the British Government in some complicated scheme to have me send them some goods and claim an allowance before they send them back and get a refund from the person we bought them off. I may have got this wrong because in all honesty the Zzzz’s were drifting in front of my face before I’d finished reading. What’s the equivalent of the chalk marks tramps and gypsies used to use to mark the pavement outside a gullible nice person’s house. I swear someone has marked my computer only it’s more like the way a dog marks it’s territory.                                                                                                                                                                                                          Yvonne, Ugo and Reuben were picking me up for lunch about eleven thirty. The morning’s rain had stopped and so I put my shoes on ready to step outside and watch for them. I don’t use the crutches just to stand by the door so I opened up, went to clasp my hands behind my back and wallop I hit something. I half turned and saw a T-light candle holder in the shape of a pair of hands sail past my side. The relief was palpable as they landed on the carpet and my sigh was accompanied by an inaudible chuckle as they bounced, hovered on the lip of the step and dropped to smash into more pieces than I had glue for. I don’t understand why the Gods hate me, I sacrificed an apple to them only ten years or so ago. I swept up dejectededly as I really loved those hands. Such character they had. The car drew up outside so I grabbed my jacket and sticks, locked up and went to lunch. Yvonne reminded me I’d suggested lunch and a visit to the Tweed Mill to see their Christmas shop.There’s no way we’d eat lunch there as it’s very overpriced for a simple cafeteria area. We ate at the Dragon’s Rest ( sorry Mike, I know it used to be ‘Our’ place) where Reuben came to life and watched every mouthful I ate giving me a terrible conscience, probably as intended. The food was great and as soon as we finished it was time to move on. The Tweed Mill was crowded. Yvonne walked round cursing me for taking her there, (like I even drive), while Ugo and Reuben walked round looking bored. After the Christmas shop Yvonne and I left Ugo to have a cuppa and a cake while she and I walked round the gift section. Being good the only thing I bought was a picture frame for them about being married to your best friend. We caught up with the boys and headed home where I gave them the clothes I’d bought yesterday, some owl wall stickers and the books that had come for Yvonne. I gave them chance to read while I held Reuben up to the mirror to be fascinated by himself. They left about 4.pm and I dealt with mail till it was time to eat then I settled down to watch the last half of one of the feelgood movies that are on around now. Back to emails because tonight I’m staying up late by watching a film that doesn’t start till 9.pm.’ The Book of Eli.’ After that it’s an hours read and then hopefully some sleep. Bet you all wish your life was this exciting.

Monday. Monday morning brings a curtain of rain first thing. I looked out of the window to see if it was snow and the predicted Arctic from had arrived, but no it was rain and everything was still pitch black. I dealt with emails fairly quickly because there were no marriage arrangements to ponder but I did check my bank account and don’t understand why the millions haven’t arrived yet. Mind you, my account was still intact too but that could have been my accidental slip in providing a completely bogus name and account number and directing them to the fraud office of the bank. I had half an hour on ebay looking at gadgets and was very impressed ( I’m a child) with the finger lights that look fantastic when you wave your hands around in the dark. The light seems to follow behind so it looks like you’re writing.                                           At about 9.0am I tried dodging raindrops as I dashed ( har de har) to the corner shop for bread. I was soaked six feet from my front door. It’s just as well I’m shrink proof. It was odd while I was  there and noticed a bottle of Lucozade.-for those who don’t know what it is, count yourselves lucky. A friend(?) and I had also discussed this in emails and I was reminded that as a small child of about 5 years, I won 6 small bottles of this drink for singing Nellie the Elephant on the pier at Hastings. I think the prize was one bottle and the other five bribery to make me stop singing the chorus. I always wonder if the people have ever returned to Hastings since then. Another memory that slips into replace that is of the ‘penny machines’ where you’d flip a lever and propel a steel ball towards a set of metal chutes above. If it went inthe right hole you could win a cigarette, Woodbines or Players I think. How times change. On similar machines ( for those in the UK- anyone else STOP READING) you could also win a packet of Spangles. If you’re about my age you may remember them. The Old English with a peculiar brown one that tasted of cough medicine, or the fantastic Acid Drop ones that I still yearn for today. Where was I? Oh yes, Hastings Pier. Believe it or not but I had a fine singing voice when young, it’s the Welsh blood. I was selected to sing in the choir at St.George’s Church in Stockport when I was about eleven but we moved away soon after and I’m assured there was no connection. I remember having a tape a  friend and I made when I was in my early twenties where we sang Beatle’s songs to backing music. I’m quite sure Yvonne never believed it was me.                                   More Christmas parcels arrived during the day and I’m getting quite smug now.                                                                                                                                                                                            Doing emails this evening I came across one that had a music video of Men Without Hats- Safety Dance. That set me on a music of the 80’s evening while I finished my comments. So, just to copy the idea,I leave you with one of my favourites ( of Oh so many) of that era. Enjoy !                                                                                                                             http://youtu.be/OvMoRVrqx_I

Tuesday. I’m not sure if it was even worth going to bed last night as I was awake at 3.50 am. I’d woken up gasping for breath as in the dream I’d last had I’d just finished making a strange kind of surf n’ turf meal with a moules marinieres sauce which I’d then tasted knowing how allergic I am to seafood. I’d hate to have my dreams translated as I also remember last night a sequence where for some strange reason I found myself designing and making a ladies nightie with a matching housecoat. It was in some kind of black lace and quite sheer. If anyone in Prudes United ever hears about it, I’ll be drummed out. The rain was lashing down outside doing a continuous drum roll on the roof. This is on of those times to regret being in a bungalow as you don’t have an upper storey to shield you from the noise. Obviously it was pitch black outside still so abandoning custom I made an early coffee and settled with my mail. No proposals, no cons today ( at least so far) though all the world want to sell me insurance and an inordinate number of businesses are now following me on Pinterest.                                                                                                                                                           COMMERCIAL BREAK- For any of you authors interested in getting your books on any of my Pinterest boards, check here   http://www.pinterest.com/lorddavid/   and let me know what board you want. If a particular Nationality like New Zealand writers for example isn’t there for you it can always be created.                                                           The rain has ceased by the time it was getting light at 7.30 so Yvonne and I agreed to meet at  Broughton Park for a day’s shopping. ( She’s a terrible influence on me). We met by Tesco’s at 9.30 and headed straight for the escalator  up to the cafe. I parked Reuben by my table while Yvonne went to the counter to order. He was happily asleep. Yvonne told me he’d had a nine hour night and instead of getting some rest she’d stayed awake worrying  about him not screaming at feed time.I hope as Reuben starts to get into a sleeping habit, she will too. Coffee over we mooched round the clothes section but amazingly bought nothing.Then back down the escalator ( no, not the same one) to the Christmas gift , decorations and food sections where we – by which I mean I- was well controlled again.  Outside into the very nippy air I managed a cigarette before looking round British Home Stores  admiring all their house wares and their unusual Christmas gift section. They had some lovely hampers.With the lack of movement of the pram- though not a lack of movement from him, phewee, Reuben started to wake. We started a brink walk towards lunch an baby changing facilities. I hoped a burst of speed might confuse people as to where the smell was coming from but really I was more concerned they didn’t think it was me. Costa provided the light lunch and a drink we needed and the information centre where they’re based gave Yvonne the chance to change Reuben though the swap she got still looked suspiciously like him.  You can see what you think if I decide to post any pictures this week for his fan club, my exes.                                                                                                                                         Before leaving today I’d put on my patented super slimmer vest  with the reinforced, armadillo-like plating.There had been a fair amount of screaming and swearing, some of it from me. As I was walking round the shops I noticed it wasn’t doing a very good job of holding my stomach in. What  it did do however was reduce the small band of fat just above my hips. This was a problem as that was all that was between me and a degree of embarrassment if my trousers fell down. Keeping a steady walk with the crutches and attempting to raise the waistline of my trousers was an art form in dexterity I don’t want again.                                                                                                               I shan’t bore you with details of other shops we went round and a period where Reuben decided he wanted to be carried and then put in the baby sling but needless to say a few bags somehow got filled.  By the time it came to depart I had a full backpack as well as two large carrier bags trying to hinder my walking.  The Christmas shopping may be going well but it’s certainly no doddle. I was home in time to catch an old episode of the Mentalist and have a meal, snake and pygmy with mashed potatoes followed by some tinned pineapple- out of the tin for the sake of my teeth- an then into battle with the day’s messages. There were 139 but crying didn’t help so I got stuck in leaving just 6 when 8.55 pm arrived and a new episode of the current Mentalist. I relaxed and enjoyed myself with a bar of extremely nice totally diabetic friendly Cadbury’s chocolate. 10.00 pm and it was back into battle. The 6 were now 42 which kept me up till 11.30 when it’s time to relax with my book for a while. The very excellent Conn Iggulden’s Wars of the Roses. Goodnight all.

Pongy Nappy

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Wednesday. Early morning, rain, rain and more rain. Someone loves me again and wants me to look after her inheritance since her parents died in an horrific plane crash ( easily verifiable she tells me) and they always wanted her to  marry well. She just needs to get the money out of the clutches of her wicked guardian and she’s going to need a lawyer and my bank a/c details. …….. At 9.00 am the rain stopped and I went to the post office to send a phone flip case to my niece. I think the postmaster kept his finger on the scale when he told me the postage would be more than the case cost and they’d included postage in that. I lightened my wallet considerably, wiping the tears from my eyes as I did so then I headed back home. The first message I opened on my return was from a crook. I hope my bank manager isn’t like this…………………

Assalamu alaikum,

My name is Mr. Hamzaki Mourad, I am a staff working with the Bank Of Africa here 
in Ouagadougou,Burkina Faso. I want you to help me in receiving the sum of 
Twenty Secen Million Two Hundred thousand Dollars ($27,200,000) into your Bank 
Account. This fund was deposited in the bank here by a foreign customer who died 
accidentally alongside with his entire family members many years ago. Nobody had 
asked for this fund till now.

If you are interested, you have to provide an account where the fund will be 
remitted because i am highly interested to secure this money from the Bank. 
Please you can contact me immediately to start the transfer process. Further 
details about the fund and this transaction will be given to you upon the 
receipt of your response.

Please understand that we have to hurry-up our actions because the bank 
authority here has plans to redeposit this fund into the treasury of the Central 
Government as unclaimed fund if nobody applies for this fund after the next bank 
audit which will begin here soon. I await your urgent reply.

send me the information’s
Your full names.........................
Address,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Age,,,,,,,,,,,,,
profession,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Your photo................

Mr. Hamzaki Mourad
Bank Of Africa
Ouagadougou - Burkina Faso

I’m not sure  how much twenty secen million is though. The day passed pretty much without incident except maybe at lunchtime when I had a Shepherd’s Pie ( I just hope he never catches me). I was so eager that when I bit into it I burnt my tongue and my lip. They naturallly swelled a little so when Dilwyn and Matthew arrived for their game early I had to regale them with my brave struggle against the mystery assailant before we could play a game. Naturally it’s the fault of my damaged lip that Dil started his Scrabble game with a seven letter word on a double word score and got something ridiculous like 156. I went next with a brave and challenging 12 followed by Matt who’s barely old enough to know any words who hammered me again with a 28 or something. All I’m going to say is I fought hard and lost. The second game Dil started with just 24 but even then my tongue only managed 12 and Matt a 24.  Matthew won. I called a break and made a drink. After that I pulled out the new but original game of Trivial Pursuit I’d bought on Ebay. My faulty reasoning was Matthew wouldn’t know the answers to questions set back in the 80’s and Dil would only be able to answer the ones he was interested in then. Within minutes my tongue and lip were aware I had a game on my hands and those two begg my brother and nephew had two portions of pie each. Even an afternoons’s swotting wasn’t helping ( joke). I took it up a gear and showed my age class by winning the game. Honours even.

Thursday. Horror of horrors. I opened my emails this morning and received an invitation to have a woman at my side as soon as I wanted. Young, nubile and ready to ‘swing’ into ‘action’, she didn’t offer marriage or millions of pounds. Does she think I’ll sell myself so cheaply on the alter of ‘Nookie’?( Probably). Someone recently offered to let me read The Perfumed Garden and I had to explain I’ve not graduated from the allotment yet. Anyway, after I’d sobbed my heart out at being thought such easy prey, I went out to the shop. The cash machine was empty and I was reduced to pulling the fluff out of my pockets to find enough cash to pay for my lottery ticket. I’d not been home a few minutes when MuJo arrived. I made coffees and opened my morning post that had nearly hit John on the back of his leg as it shot through the letterbox. I’ll have to tell the postwoman to ease up on those steroids. We chatted for a while or to be more accurate I listened for a while as John was very enthusiastic about some Christmas Cards I’d designed and printed for him. I can understand why his came out fine but when I tried to do mine the printer wouldn’t take the good card and on the card it would take, the ink soaked in. We went to town. I got cash from the bank machine then left  my watch at a market stall to get a new battery and headed off to lunch at Kassidy’s. Roast pork dinner today with crackling but I know Christmas is getting close as my plate was adulterated with sprouts. An abomination before me on my plate. Ugh! I made a formal complaint to the management and left hastily before he heard me. With all three of us claiming to be full to bursting we headed off to Flint. MuJo wanted to look at box freezers in case they get snowed in this year. They’ve already had their first snowfall so it’s entirely possible.We went in at least four shops that don’t sell freezers where I was able to get a few bits and bobs ( very useful things are bits and bobs) before we headed for a coffee. At least I had a coffee while those two had a chocolate indulgence which is like another meal with all the cream and marshmallows on top. John added a scone to his list. Finally we went to a shop that sells freezers via a catalogue ( Argos for my UK friends) and bought one for delivery next week. By the time we got back it was getting dark. I showed John how to adjust volume on computers and they left for home. I had twenty minutes mail before watching my Mentalist. Between 8.oo pm and 11.05 pm it’s been emails and this post. Time to read my book now I think.

OK, I’m just being needlessly cruel now.

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Friday. I don’t know why I woke so early this morning but I know I was never happier to see seven o’clock as by the time it arrived I was down to my last two cigarettes and they’d last me till about five past the way I was feeling today. I suppose you could call it On Edge. One email I received told me that a gift I’d ordered two weeks ago isn’t in stock despite showing as being in stock at the time of he order. Two emails later I’m informed new stock won’t be arriving until about December 12th. This is a main present and as such is very important and not easy to replace. I have no choice but to wait and see but I’m not happy at being let down at this stage.                                      The in appears my popularity has taken another nose dive as there are no marriage proposals today though I suppose it’s possible that Nigeria is currently empty of women all flying off to get married….yeah, right !  The postman called with a parcel I’ve been looking forward to, a pair of the most ludicrous slippers I’ve ever bought and believe me the competition has been tough. The joy I’ll get out of seeing the recipients face when their parcel is opened. Why, I’m even thinking of gift wrapping it to build the tension.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          Half past eleven I received a text from Mike, “On way” it said. Knowing he was over two hours away, probably over three if he drives within the speed limits, I was able to have a liesurely lunch and then for pudding eat all the loose chocolate biscuits he might otherwise pinch. I feel sick now. I must have nodded a little because I just heard the front door opening and it made me sit upright. I might as well pretend to be alert now I’m in this position.                                                                                                                                We had a good afternoon’s natter till I applied his gag so I could see The Mentalist. Then I made some sandwiches for tea after which the gannet ate my last two Christmas puddings with custard. He was kind enough to come through to wash my hair then I had a shower and made coffees.( Not in the shower, I made those in the kitchen). We talk a lot Mike and I, generally throwing insults at each other but friends don’t generally come much closer than we are. After 40 years we know each other inside out. It therefore pained me to tell him I could no longer have him coming at the weekends if he keeps telling me he only eats my chocolate because he doesn’t want the loose bars to get lonely. About 11.00pm I came through to finish my mail before bed. Shopping in the morning so I’ll need to be up early.

Saturday. Early rising as predicted. I hadn’t thought it would be as early as 4.40 am but it’s not like I have a choice. I turn the computer on and walk down the hall towards the loo. It’s not an easy journey as Mr ‘I don’t snore’ was breathing heavily with accompanying noises. Every time he breather out I was pushed back the way I’d come, when he breather in I was able to make some progress. Eventually I lowered myself to the carpet where I thought I’d off er the least resistance and made it before I wet myself. I just finished my mail at 7.10 when I almost had a heart attack after hearing Mike get up without an alarm and without me using a crowbar. I made us both a coffee and while he sat in his chair looking like a mini Buddha, stomach resting on his knees, I collected the rubbish to put out for collection. When he spoke I put him back down again. Despite having managed to drag himself from his pit we were still late going out at 8.00am.                                                                                                                                Shopping didn’t take too long as my list was short today. We drove to Flint where he could have a coffee and leer at Ceri in the cafe. Daniel told me his brothers, my friends Adam and Richard are singing the anthem at the Australia-Fiji match this afternoon. I’ll miss it unfortunately but I’m looking forward to the release of their Christmas album soon. After a lovely hug and a kiss from Ceri we took the shopping home and unpacked. By now it had gone mid-day so we set off for Colwyn Bay and lunch, a visit to a specific shop and also to meet our friend. Mike and I had actually finished eating before Brian arrived so we took the chance to look round a charity shop . They’re all so dear now and far from the old days of all donated things, there’s so much new stock in them now. Brian finished and joined us we all had a wander round a little of the local market and through the shopping precinct ( Mall) until Mike went to get a sim card from the car for Brian’s phone. That done we said our goodbyes and headed our separate ways. We stopped off t look at a Christmas shop in a garden centre on the way which was a chance of a drink and I enjoyed a milk shake for a real change. It was only after we got home I remembered we hadn’t been to the shop we’d traveled to Colwyn Bay for.                                                                                                   An attack on emails, some tea and then a relax with the TV alongside the usual insult sessions filled up most of the evening. Time to finish off here now so I have time for a read. But I must just remind you first that when sending your fan mail some of you think my name is Reuben.  That’s OK. I’ll accept it under any name now as I appreciate your efforts.

Huge Hugs and I wish you all A  Great Week