Hypnotised by Joey & Given The Bird, by The Bird.

Sunday 20th
Well I got the blog out on time last night and even caught up with my mail before bed at 12.15 am. Lights out at 12.35 am after just a chapter of my book. I even got a lie-in compared to the rest of the week as I didn’t get up until 3.52 am. I paid a visit to the Piddle Palace then came back to make a start on the overnight mail. I was surprised that it wasn’t as heavy a traffic as I’d expected. I was up to date by 5.40 am then promptly fell asleep over the desk, waking at 5.51 am with a crick in my back and my neck. If I’d had warning I could have sat in my chair. I took the new antibiotic then went through to take my morning meds and make a coffee.

I brought the coffee back and found a few more messages had come through. I cleared them then opened my talktalk box and started again. By 7.35 am I was temporarily clear yet again and decided to go sit with Joey and open his cage door. It should be light enough for him to come out now. I opened his door while he stuck his head behind his mirror so I couldn’t see him. I sat down but he didn’t make a move, despite me talking to him…..or maybe because I talked to him. However it did work like a charm on Mike who came through about 8.30 am. My eyes were on their way out, (I think the batteries meed changing) so he had to make his own coffee. When he sat down with it I was fully awake but only for ten seconds then the eyes went again. When he had to nip to the loo, my eyes closed and stayed there until Mike returned. At 9.30 am I forced myself to be alert and went to get dressed.Mike did the flowers and then went to his room to get dressed. At 10.00 am we were on out way to a filling breakfast. I daren’t say how much I had but let’s just guess that it involved half a pig and a loaf of fried bread and toast. Breakfast in The Bells is a treat. Bacon, sausage,fried bread,those horrible potato things in a triangle, fried bread, beans, tomatoes, fried eggs and scrambled eggs. For those who can’t do without there’s even chips. Then as much toast as you want with either jam or marmalade and butter or margerine. Excellent.

Once out of there at 11.10 pm Mike ran me to Holywell to look at Lidl. I got some strawberries and cream for my tea. He brought me home again and at 12.00 pm left to meet with his dad’s doctor. I attacked my mail until 2.00 pm then went through to sit with Joey. I watched garbage on the TV even though Joey wanted wildlife programmes. I had to assert myself before he’s brave enough to land on me and thinks I'[m a pushover. Then late in the afternoon I watched Lewis, an episode I hadn’t seen. While I was there I had some strawberries and cream for tea. I was disappointed there was so much wastage in the strawberries that hadn’t looked bad in the punnet. Joey didn’t accept an invitation to join me which was a shame as I could have eaten less. At 7.00 pm I came back to my mail for a couple of hours and then had a last two hours with Joey who spoke all the way through a film,  before starting on the blog which is mercifully short today.

Monday 21st.

It was a night of two halves. Lights off about 12.45 am after a read but awake again at 1.58 am and uncomfortable. I knew I wanted more sleep and had to try in my chair in the lounge. It turned out I tried Mike’s chair so I could put my feet on the table. I slept. It was 4.09 am before I got up. My feet weren’t on the table anymore and I’d sent nothing crashing to the floor so I was already on a plus, but I must have managed 3 hours sleep so that was a definite plus. So, a trip to the loo then powering the computer up. I started in gmail where I caught some more nice comments on the blog.Once that was cleared I took my meds, had breakfast, put the washing machine on then brought my coffee back so I could take an antibiotic and then start on my talktalk mail. By 7.20 am I was clear again and went to do an inner eyelid inspection until just about 8.00 am. I had to try and coax Joey out of his cage to do a mass clean up and do fresh food/water before Val the warden appears later.

Joey didn’t make any effort to help me until 9.05 am when he shot out of his cage and did a lap of honour squawking all the way. Once he’d settled on the mirror for his usual argument with the other ‘occupant’ I was able to start cleaning the cage and replacing his floor of sandpaper. He doesn’t help by flying off in panic the minute my arms approach the cage even though I talk softly to him. In case there are ladies present I shan’t reveal what I say though. Once that was done and his food and water seen to I could back off. He’s totally unconcerned about that of course and just continues leaving horrible marks on the mirror from where he tries to do a Glasgow Kiss on the other bird. I’m sure he has brain damage now. I should have covered that mirror the day he arrived. At 10.00 am I started watching Homes Under The Hammer but was soon distracted with the arrival of the postman. One I haven’t seen before. He brought a book I won in a competition by my friend (and author) Pamela S Wight, the book is called The Right Wrong Man.  http://goo.gl/XwW3oB  I’m quite looking forward to reading it. I also had another book which I’d ordered from ebay for Yvonne and a Christmas gift for one of my great nieces. Things are going quite well in that direction. There was also a letter about claiming my pension which made me realise how close I am to that age.

At 11.00 am I returned to work and was doing well with my messages when the doorbell went. It was Val who went to the lounge to say good morning to Joey and to chat to me. She was there about twenty minutes and once happy all was well she went on her way with some thank-you chocolates. I had time to return to the messages before lunch. I watched Bargain Hunt and yes,I managed to stay awake for the end, though I did then allow myself a short nap for forty minutes before coming back here to make an effort to keep pace with mail. That wasn’t too difficult today. I stayed here until almost 4.30 pm when I went to start my evening viewing. I had to be prompt tonight as there was an important item coming up on ebay. At 6.30 pm I was back in my bedroom with half an hour to spare. I prepared my top bid, ready to pounce at the ten second mark. Then I got distracted and missed the damned thing but it went for almost double it’s real value and I wasn’t bidding that much. I’d put about 8 items in my basket to think about and suddenly decided to pay for them. Ouch, and then there was another item due at 8.30 pm and I sat for twenty minutes not taking my eyes off the screen just in case. I was not successful but I haven’t given up hope and I do have time.

At 9.00 pm I went through to watch DIY SOS. It was an old one and we weren’t very far in before my eyes blurred (Lousy TV). It was in Wales and way up in the hills in the worst snow in and temperature in years. Locals were struggling to get out of their villages to go and give a hand but one father and two sons drove from Leicester to give their time. As always it was amazing  and a true picture of what people are willing to do  to help those in need. There is still hope for humanity. At 10.00 pm I turned off and said goodnight to Joey, promising to see him in the morning. Here’s hoping I do. It’s my Chester day tomorrow and I’m really not looking forward to the travelling.  I’ve been shaky for a couple of days. I had a look to see if there was anything more on ebay tonight but there wasn’t. I think it might be an idea if I held back now until all the stuff I’ve ordered is here, allocate it and see who is missing before I carry on. That meant I could concentrate on the blog and if time permits on the rest of the mail too.

Tuesday 22nd.

I turned the light off early at midnight because I was so tired. Next thing I know I’m awake and it’s 1.05 am. I didn’t want to get up so paid a visit to the loo then had a cigarette before trying again at 1.16 am. It worked, off I went again until I woke again at 3.07 am and the same tricks weren’t going to work.  I still tried though. The visit to the Piddle Palace yielded little and so I just enjoyed a cigarette before turning the computer on. Once logged on I started on my mail which took until 4.22 am then the talktalk box which took me to 5.11 am. Since this was a little early for my antibiotic and I didn’t want breakfast yet,I was forced to search on ebay again. I had some luck there this morning with some smaller gifts, at this rate I’ll soon be left with just Yvonne and Ugo to puzzle over. After breakfast I returned to my room coffee in hand to check on incoming mail. By 7.20 am I was clear ready to go and catch my bus.

I reached the bus stop without breaking the picture frames I was carrying but it was more luck than judgement. When I got on the bus I tucked the bag in at the side of my leg, placed my chin on the arm grip of my crutches and let myself drift off. The journey was short and no-one tried to talk to me except Howard the driver. Yvonne and Reuben were waiting on the bench when the bus arrived. Once the hellos were out of the way and I was enjoying a post journey cigarette there was a short discussion about where to go. Since Yvonne needed a few things from a Supermarket we decided to have breakfast either in the Supermarket or a little cafe next door. We ended up at the one in store which is a Costa. After we finished I asked if it was possible to get to a shop I like going a different way. Yvonne was sure we could and so we tried. Sure enough we could. It’s a great gift shop full of Chinese/Japanese furniture , plates etc plus some very pretty and unusual gifts. I made a mistake in buying  2 giant candles as gifts and invited both a hernia and a heart attack. Lucky for me Reuben was walking at that time so his buggy bore the weight. We spent our time mooching until finally it was time for my bus.They walked me to the bus stop and since there had been intermittent rain I told them not to wait.

Getting off the bus at home was fun as it’s quite a way to my house. I hadn’t been to the loo in Chester and was getting close to desperate. Dragging half a ton of candle with me meant I couldn’t move at speed and there was no chance I was calling at Pauline’s. I made it home, dropped my bags, threw my crutches away like a Lazarus and shot into the loo. Only after I came out could I store my sticks, get my coat and gloves off, put the candles away and then say hello to Joey. I opened his cage but he didn’t seem to want to come out just then. I had to leave him to it and head for the computer. I worked almost continuously until 4.30 pm when I could put the TV on for my Antiques Road Trip. Joey came out then and made as much noise as he could and believe me that’s a lot. I’d won a few more things on ebay during the afternoon and apart from nipping back at 5.30 pm and 6.15 pm I stayed away until 7.00 pm. I came back and worked until 9.00 pm and then went to watch a film, one of the Superhero ones from the comics of my childhood. Only it wasn’t. I remember Green Lantern and Green Arrow but not Green Hornet. I’m glad too as it might have put me off reading. I gave the film a fair go at an hour and a half but by then I had no nerves left for it to grate on. Truly abominable. Ah well, it gave me chance to come through at 10.30 pm to do the blog. I’m grateful for that.

Reuben with his daytime TV friends.

Who’s chasing whom?

Wednesday 23rd.

My light went off about 1.00 am last night and it didn’t take long to drop off. This morning I got up at…………5.02 am…… Ta da! A wonderful, beautiful unbroken sleep. I didn’t even get up to go to the loo. There are signs I should have (Joke honestly).  I did nip along there a bit sharply once I was up though. It’s been a while since I hovered around the four hour mark and I like it. I opened my talktalk and was in the clear at 5.51 am which was almost perfect timing to go get my meds and some breakfast. I note on the calendar that today is the first day of Autumn. The nights are really drawing in now and according to the shops the Christmas countdown seems to have begun.         After breakfast I took my coffee back to start on my gmail. There were more in both boxes so I worked till they were clear.At 8.00 am I went and opened Joey’s cage and sit with him for a while. I don’t know how it happened unless the little burger hypnotised me but my eyes went. When I woke and looked at the time it was almost 9.20 am. I got sorted and dressed and left to go to Pauline’s. I wasn’t out too long but it was close to 10.00 am when I was back.

After putting the shopping away I went to watch my Homes Under the Hammer. Of course this was the time Joey decided to do a vocal test going from squawk to screech over about the first 20 minutes of the programme. He didn’t even shut up when I spoke to him. Part way through I notice he had no millet so I tried offering that. I noticed there was still plenty on the spray on the cage floor after Mike put some in on Saturday. I carefully put my arm in the cage and picked the millet up, as Joey was flying round the cage like a demented pilot I put the millet back on it’s stand and removed my arm. Joey came out. I’d just settled in my chair hen the doorbell went. It was the postie with four parcels for me. Brilliant. The programme wasn’t getting the attention it deserved but I was having my Christmas early opening parcels. Everything was fine so the minute the programme was over at 11.00 am I came through to leave feedback. One parcel contained 3 items and all were delightful. I carried on there with incoming messages until midday then went for lunch. Corned beef hash today. Very tasty. Of course Bargain Hunt was on while I ate and I managed to stay awake today. After washing up I went back to work. I’d just sat down when the doorbell went again. To be honest I thought it was the window cleaner collecting his money but no, it was delivery of another two parcels. It’s getting to be a very exciting day.

After placing the parcel with the growing Christmas pile I returned to work, needing to have clear mailboxes before Dil comes for games tonight. Wen we finish it’s always hard to cope with the mail and the blog and expect to get to bed too. I was clear before 4.00 pm when I knocked off. I’d have been out sooner if the siren song of ebay hadn’t been heard. Not that I had much luck, I ended up crashing on the rocks today. Dilwyn arrived at 4.30 pm just in time for the Road Trip, he was glad it wasn’t the same dealer as last week so he didn’t have to hear the hissing every time he came on screen again. I bet each one of us must have known someone who makes our skin crawl at some time or other. Tonight both experts were really nice, as they always are, and a pleasure to watch. They both did very well.                                                                             Next up was our quiz where we did very well answering questions tonight though when sports come up all you get from me is a blank face. When 6.00 pm came it was time to get the table out and start playing. The Yahtzee went well and I ended up 4-2 ahead. Sometimes when it’s a draw we carry on for another game but Dil suggested it tonight as my luck should run out. We carried on and it didn’t. The second game was 3-3 giving me the win overall at 7-5. Out came the Trivial Pursuits and we started on that. We each managed to get the six segments which meant I had to answer a sports question, then we both tried to make our way to the middle.                                                       We both managed to get to the middle twice and had a category and question chosen by the other. Dil unfortunately missed out on his which I chose I managed to get the second one he chose for me. Again he left to go home in high dudgeon. I said he’d be better in a car.

After a quick tidy up and a wash of the pots I took my meds and came through to start on the accumulated mail. I’d done by 10.30 pm and was able to deal with the blog. I must have been quick tonight as it’s almost 11.30 pm and I’m almost ready to go to bed. No more mail tonight.

Start of the masterpiece.

Glee.

p.s. Reuben is aboard the rocking donkey I got for his birthday. If you squeeze the ear, it makes donkey noises, hence the smile.

Thursday 24th.

I was in bed before midnight and with light off at just a minute to the witching hour. I’m sure sleep came fairly quickly.. I woke this morning at 2.58 am so had another good night in comparison to some. After lolloping to the loo and back I powered up the computer and signed in. My first job was to check my bank account to see if the DWP have repaid me the £55.50 they acknowledge owing me and which they said they’d pay me as soon as possible. It’s been 7 weeks since they wrote to confirm that. It strikes me that ‘as soon as possible’ is a very flexible phrase. It’s not as though they have to save up to pay me is it? Next job was to check my pension had gone in OK (it had) then I could concentrate on mail. My talktalk account came first and I was clear by 4.10 am and able to head to my gmail which I cleared by 5.00 am. Obviously the mail was still coming in but I was trying to catch it as it did  and not let it accumulate. Also I was trying to use ebay to generate ideas for gifts but it’s very hard as you have to have an idea in the first place to stick in the search box. I recommend you look in Wholesale and Job lots and also everything else, you might have a laugh, especially with the latter.

At 6.00 am I took my morning meds and had breakfast, remind me I need more butter this weekend please. It was too early to open the cage for Joey annd since I’d left the power to the TV on last night I decided to watch Third Rock From The Sun. Eventually it was light enough to let Joey fly about so I opened the cage door and stood chatting to him for a few minutes. He kept his back to me and didn’t respond until with a shrug I shut up. He turned towards me, stood perched on one leg and I swear with the other he flipped me the bird. He’s so uncouth, in fact I bet he never even had any couth. As I backed off he flew out of the cage at speed, did a circuit of the room going very carefully round all obstacles and then did a stop in midair turned 90 degrees and went straight back into his cage. I took my empty coffee cup back to the kitchen and came back to my room to work. I stayed there until 10.00 am, mostly in shock at being flipped and then went back to see Homes Under the Hammer. This time he was glad to see me and wanted some attention. But, as there are no adverts I just gave him the occasional Best Boy, Joey, Joey Joey and concentrated on the programme. He took to nattering loudly with the occasional whistle, or flying circuits of the room and waiting to be told what a clever boy he is. He’s an aeronautical miracle but I wasn’t going to tell him so. Maybe I will the day he lands on me. The postman came and delivered parcels galore , even he was surprised when one more kept coming out of his bag. I had a great time opening them and listing them to leave feedback, I was missing my programme though. One parcel I’ve been expecting still hasn’t come though and I wonder if it’s at the bottom of a postman’s sack somewhere or maybe the custom’s office have stopped it for checking. I want no more bills off them.

At 11.00 am I returned to my battle with the mail and remained there until 12.00 pm. For lunch I had steak in red wine sauce with chips which I enjoyed very much. I stayed awake until after Bargain Hunt, I must have washed my pots at some stage then sat down again. From there it’s all a blank until 1.55 pm. I must have woken up but not even been aware I’d been to sleep.It was like I’d just lost almost an hour. I think Joey is related to Mesmer. Maybe a reincarnation. The post kept me busy until 15.50 pm then I went onto ebay until 4.30 pm when I went to watch the Road Trip. I just stayed there until 6.00 pm. Work called for a while but here wasn’t too much so I was able to disappear again to watch an underground exploration at 7.00 pm for an hour and then at 9.00 pm a fascinating Who Do You Think You Are. A BBC correspondent, injured by a shooting in Saudi Arabia wanted to try and verify some family tales about having come over with the Normans Invasion. He picked up some information on amazing individuals until he reached the point where he was given proof that his family didn’t come over with the Normans Invasion, they were the Norman Invasion.His direct ancestor was William I and the next 7 of his ancestors were Kings too.

At this point I was waiting for Michael to arrive and was starting to get worried. At 10.30 pm I’d remembered to take my meds and as I didn’t want more TV I had the equivalent which was another session on Ebay then at 10.45 pm I started the blog. I was doing quite well too. Mike arrived at 10.55 pm and I had to break away to do the coffee. We had to chat of course about how his week has been which seems to have been very frustrating with messages about his Dad in hospital. I came back to the bedroom at 11.40 pm and Mike followed me to put some cream on my legs, it was either that option or the one where he breaks my wrists so I can’t scratch. Hard decision but I opted for the cream.  I chose to point out some gurgle jugs on ebay then which lasted until 12.20 pm when he left to go to bed and I was able to continue with the blog. Just don’t blame me if I was too tired to make any sense.

Friday 25th.

So I was a little late getting to bed this morning. By the time I’d read one substantial chapter I was ready to go to sleep. I turned the light off at 1.20 am. This morning I didn’t get up until 5.39 am, another 4 hour night. Things are looking up. By the time I’d done the loo Olympics and come back it was getting on for 6.00 am. All I did was power up the computer and then go straight to the kitchen to take my meds and an antibiotic (last day) because of course I have to do my drugs for the week on a Friday morning. I didn’t have breakfast so returned to my room at 6.30 am ready to do battle. Battle was short lived and at 7.45 am I emerged the victor and headed to the lounge to release Joey. I sat and talked to him but he didn’t seem interested in coming out. I get the impression he’s not a morning person budgie. Eventually I gave up and went to get dressed and at 9.00 am I took a walk to Pauline’s for my lottery tickets. She made a mistake today and put an extra one on so I kept it in the hope it’s a lucky one. I’d been back in the hose a few minutes and just settled at the computer hoping to pick off the stragglers from my last battle when I heard Mike’s phone go off. Since I can’t be blamed for waking him at 9.15 am I went to make him a coffee. It sounds like his Dad is ready to go home.

At 10.00 am I went to watch Homes Under the Hammer and Mike got ready to disappear. As he was going the postman arrived with four more parcels. This is proving to be easier than I thought. More expensive but much easier. I still have the fun of choosing too. By the time I’d done all I needed to do it was time to knock off for lunch. I peeled some sweet potatoes then put the sausages under the grill. I remembered to take my pre-foodie tablet but had to dash back to my room for an antibiotic as well. Next the potatoes went in the micro for 7 minutes. When I mashed the potatoes the sausages were almost done. I bunged some baked beans in the micro, dished up the potatoes and sausages then added the beans and a piece of bread and butter. I was ready and so was my meal. Beautifully timed, Bargain Hunt was just starting. Just to prove I managed to stay awake till the bitter end, one team took home £170 and the other team £270. I washed my pots and to save me allowing my fluttering eyelids to come to a rest I returned to the computer. My treat, messages from Australia ! A constant battle in one upmanship on the sarcastic front (which I rarely win) is a real joy.

Things seemed a little slow today so at 3.00 pm I went to sit back in the lounge with Escape To The Country and a natter with Joey. I turned the TV on and that was the last thing I remember until 5.00 pm. So not a happy bunny. I had to dash back to my room and start on the mail, missing my usual quiz but I managed to catch the 6.30 pm Eggheads before going for a shower. Coming squeeky clean out of the bathroom I was in time for a sandwich and Question of Sport followed by Mastermind. I had a message to say Mike was on his way back so I went and caught up on the mail, growled when I realised I’d missed another ebay moment, then went to get Mike’s mug ready for his return. I started watching a comedy called Not Going Out  which makes me smile only because you tend to know what line is coming next all the time. Mike came back while it was still on. I made his drink and w talked about his Dad. He’s still in hospital and they’re arranging for him to go to a home for two weeks convalescence with a view to staying in a home permanently. Mike and I have often said this is what he needs but Mike is fighting with the promise he made to his Dad never to make him go in a home. He wants his independence. There’s a lot of guilt attached to the breaking of the promise even though it’s for the best possible outcome. Other times we’ve maintained he’s OK on his own because of the care workers 4 times a day and the new flat being sheltered accommodation. It’s a very hard decision.

At 10.00 pm I took my meds and came through to do the blog and to get to gripes with the mail that’s come in since I was last here. A body blow that I started winning something with a 10 second nip only to find I lost it by £1 to some terrible person who did a 5 second nip. You just can’t trust anyone can you? It’s going to be an early night.

Saturday 26th.

Well I got my early night and was in bed for 11.30 pm. I put my light out at 12.15 am and settled to sleep, it was soon coming. So was getting up time since at 2.01 am I was awake again. I paid a visit to the loo and came back to power up the computer. After signing in I checked and dealt with the talktalk mail then the gmail. That took me until 3.45 am when I decided to have a quick look at ebay. The quick look turned into a slow look as more ideas came. It was almost 5.00 am before I could tear myself away. I had to clear a few more emails before I could go and have some breakfast and take my meds. It reminded me if I’m going to keep having toast for breakfast I’d better get a huge family size butter. I prepared Mike’s mug then took my coffee back to the computer. When I heard his alarm go off at 6.30 am I made his drink and took it through. I got the usual grunt when I said it was there but no movement. It was only when the alarm went off the second time his twinkle toes beat a path to the lounge where he promptly fell asleep in his chair. I reminded him not to forget his coffee. Grunt. It stands at 2 A and 2 C by my reckoning despite the fact he left his actual bed before the second C. I went to get dressed.

We still managed to leave the house by 7.25 am only it was a very confusing journey. After a conversation yesterday I thought we were going to Morrison’s. Mike went past the exit road so I just said “Changed your mind”? At the next exit he sot off and started backtracking and I suggested he remembered the plans. All I’d been going to get differently from ASDA was my butter on a special. The car was turned again and off we shot towards ASDA. A bloody Mystical Magery Tour. I did the bulk of the shopping in ASDA then we diverted to get loo rolls from another Supermarket, mini jams/marmalade from a further shop and then on to Morrison’s for the one item I actually wanted from there but could have done without. Finally we made it to Flint and Temptations. We were partly served by Kyle who knows what we have and partly by a new face who turned out to be a new Manageress. Ceri wasn’t in. We handed over the chocolates to Kyle and had our drinks and Mike’s teasted toecake then left. Next we went to Prestatyn to the jewellers which was closed last week. Very handy as there was another shop I wanted too. Then to lunch at the CookHouse where we both struggled to finish today after being given pieces of meat as thick as door stops. Lovely, but soooo filling. I managed a trip round the £ Shop and then we came home.

After unpacking the shopping and putting it away I opened two parcels left with Bert while we were out. My missing item is here YAY!  I came through to start on the post while Mike stayed to watch his precious football team play. So far I’ve heard I think three shouts of ‘YES‘ which seemed to indicate they were winning. I later found my guess was correct. Most of the street found out my guess was correct when they finally worked out where the racket was coming from. I went through to join Mike at 5.25 pm when the football was over and stayed there for the evening, enjoying the cakes that are our Saturday treat and me trying to convince Mike that the rhubarb crumble is unfortunately not available for eating tonight as it’s for Monday, meaning  5 minutes after he’s gone on Sunday afternoon. I had to give up on all the fun at 9.00 pm and come to deal with the mail that’s piling up and also the blog. It needs to be ready for the midnight despatch.

I wish you all a Wonderful New Week with Hugs and Dreams come true.

Alien Reuben.

 

Weird spam or Still a Babe Magnet

Sunday. It’s 5 am and I know I slept but it can’t have been for long as I read until 1 am before I turned the light out. I’m not sure if Michael talking in his sleep disturbed me but he has a tendency to ask questions and yet he always denies it. One day I’m going to tape him as proof but as the tape machine is in his bedroom and I’m too lazy to go get it, I just stay where I am and answer him as best I can. I’m actually feeling quite chipper since turning the computer on as there have been quite a few responses to last night’s blog and some of them are even sensible-Well Done you lot. But the real reason for my chipperness are three totally unrelated emails which prove I’m still a hot property. I’ve still got that certain ‘je ne sais quoi’, I’m on fire man!  I mean, just look at the quality of this sample and this is just one of them lusting after me. Huh, I’ve still got it haven’t I? The thing is, I hope it’s not catching whatever it is because I have the idea if I really get down and dirty and respond, I’ll probably find it’s really a 25 st lorry driver with nothing better to do.I think maybe I’ll just forward it on to Michael.                                                                                                                                                                                                               You see, I spotted you online and could not help texting you. I’d like to get closer to you.Have a look at my profile with new crazy vids and let me know how you find me!Drop me a line http://mqatklg.cupidonlinespot.in/?eotfttl                                                                                                                                                                                                                    Speaking of whom, it was 9.45 before he showed any signs of life. Or to rephrase that, he was halfway down the first coffee at 10 am before he started to look human.As usual he denies talking in his sleep and tells me my snoring kept him awake. As if ! He asks what I’d like to do this morning as if there’s much morning left ! I’m a bit off colour and tell him I don’t mind and no decision is made as we go to our respective rooms to get dressed. In the end we drive out to one of those places full of discount shops selling last year’s stock at twice the price you’d pay for anything you wanted this year.It’s been a long time since either of us has been there and boy has it changed. It’s so big now, and building still going on, to have it’s own roads leading off to towns now. There’s a huge Christmas tree that people can go inside to have photographs taken and there are lots of little Christmas shops setup around the edges of the car parks. Being the big spender I am I purchase a book for £1.99 before we go to lunch. Half an hour is spent deciding where until we settle on a Harry Ramsden’s, probably the biggest name in Fish and Chips in the UK. Just about passable today so I think the Christmas crowds are getting to them. After eating we head back to the car and head home where Michael pops his bags in the car and heads off to his father’s and I find myself nodding off over the computer. I spend the rest of the afternoon on emails then go through to watch an episode of Morse followed by one of Lewis. Hard to believe I’m still such a Babe Magnet eh ?

Monday. Apart from the obvious joys of reading my mail ( no naughty ones today), and reading the blogs of my friends ( yes, I mean you) today has been pretty boring. I made one ten minute foray into the cold and damp to get some bread and that’s it. I’ve been able to watch the TV programmes I enjoy and since there’s no-one here to stop me I had a chip buttie at lunchtime, oh what a renegade eh? Bed at 11.30 pm where I managed to finish the Conn Iggulden book my Sister in Law loaned me. I’m lucky that she has a taste for historical novels and a good selection to hand. Light off about 1. am

Tuesday. Light on again about 4.10 am Not that I was happy about it but I was wide awake again. Still, it gave me chance to get up to date with my mail before going out and tweeting an interview I did yesterday. This wasn’t an interview that made me happy as most do since for the first time ever I was interviewing the character from a book and to put it mildly he’s a nasty piece of work. Also, not being a character of mine where I know enough to select questions, this time I had nothing to go on and I didn’t fancy getting on his wrong side. Judging by the lack of comments I think a few of you must have felt the same way.                                                                                                      At 7.50 am I was washed, dressed and had partaken of my first coffee. I nipped for a final wee before going to the bus stop. As I depressed the plunger on the soap dispenser ( all the mod cons here you know) the bloody soap shot out at the speed of light in a straight line and landed on the crotch area of my trousers. I couldn’t walk round with a green blob so it was time to strip off and find another pair to wear. It’s been years since I moved so fast. Probably the last time I ran out of cigarettes and texted Ju to bring me a new packet on her way home from riding. I saw her coming and was at the front door before she was. Anyway, new trousers on I had to dash as the bus was due at ten past the hour. Ploughing my way through the horde of waiting schoolchildren I made it. I had to sit at the back today, leaning slightly forward because of the backpack I was wearing I donned the headphones to my MP3 player and prepared to try and ignore the world. My nutter magnet must have been on and lo and behold on the seat opposite me appeared a young man who sat cross-legged and tried to engage me in conversation. I plead ignorance as I pretended to close my eyes and sway with the music like a demented cobra. It didn’t work as proved by the tap on my knee. I tried to look surprised and removed the headphones only for him to tell me I had egg on my chin. I started to rub until the light bulb finally clicked and I realised two things. 1. I haven’t eaten an egg, and 2 It’s a euphemism for My flies are undone. Not wishing to be seen to be fiddling with that area of my anatomy with someone facing me, I thanked him and proceeded to pull my coat a little lower until there was no audience. I suppose I was safe really in the knowledge that dead birds don’t fall out of the nest but why take chances. Three or four stops later I was able to adjust myself before upsetting the good women of Chester and finding myself in the stocks.                                                                                                                                                                                Yvonne and I had a great day shopping with Reuben. Not that you could see him of course since he was hidden by parcels most of the time. There were many compliments throughout the day about the pram but I wonder if people just thought it was a de-luxe shopping trolley. When we stopped for lunch or coffee and uncovered him, Reuben’s fan club gathered round as usual. We went back to Yvonne’s where Ugo would pick me up after work to run me home. It was quite dark but I still had to make a dash for the car as I’m sure they’ve never repealed the law against Welshmen being in Chester after nightfall. At home I worked from 7.00 pm until 8.55 pm on mail (122) from during the day before watching the exciting new episode ( No 5) of The Mentalist, and then back to it. For some reason Google isn’t opening all my WordPress mail again. Bed around midnight. Judging by my waistline, I just missed the full transformation to pumpkin.

Wednesday. The Emails this morning were in the main predictable. Two different psychics know my future yet it doesn’t appear to be the same one. One of them could help me with the winning lottery numbers which begs the question why doesn’t she use them so she can stop asking people like me for money we haven’t got? I keep offering to pay after the win has been confirmed, or at least send a postcard from some Island paradise. A message that did catch my eye though was from a friend asking whether I’d received a letter from Google about being book partners. Short answer No, and I don’t know what it’s about. Now many of you may be au fait with this but for those that aren’t, you can add your books to a Google database and they will advertise them free of charge Worldwide with links to your site if the books can be bought there. I thought this sounded interesting and went to place my first book on there with it’s picture of the cover. From that point on I began to feel like a five year old just starting school. I’m not thick ( shut up you at the back) but I just could not get my head round things like sharing sections of the book and getting other books on. It just defeated me completely. If you want the dictionary definition of technophobe- it’s ME !                                                                                                                                                                          Just gone 9.00am I went to the Post Office to send my abroad Christmas cards. It might seem early but I son’t trust the Postal Service very much. Anyway, it was meant to be a quick trip in case I was due any mail but once there I found myself the only person in the queue. The Postmistress who is also a local Councillor ( and a good one) has just got back from holiday and naturally I asked how it had gone. She had a fantastic time but told me how desperately poor Cuba and it’s people are. I also got to see pictures of the cars there which are amazing 1950’s models cherished, cleaned and repaired within an inch of their life. I know it wouldn’t do the manufacturers much good but I couldn’t help but think how nice it would be if we held onto and looked after our things as well as they do.                                                                                                                Dilwyn and Matthew came for games night (snigger). We had two games of Scrabble and I won both this week. Then Dil and I taught Matthew how to play a card game we’ve played since Adam was a lad. Most people will know it but perhaps not under the name we use which is Crazy 8’S or Friendly Enemies. Yes, I won that one too so my humiliation of two weeks ago is hereby forgotten ( or else). Maybe next week we’ll teach him Chase The Lady or Deadly Enemies which many of you will know as Hearts on the computer. If so, the insults will fly thick and fast.

Thursday. Post done and a trip to the paper shop for my lottery ticket ( I’m assured it’s the winning one but please carry on buying them to increase my prize. I’ll buy teas all round). At just after ten Mujo arrived and I saw to drinks as we chatted about our week since I last saw them. I learned I have a niece who’s a stalker and follows them round shops tapping them on the shoulder. She tells them she knows just how to make me behave at Christmas. I know too, she just has to tell me and I’m scared enough to do it. Just like Yvonne she has me running scared even though I love them both expensively  dearly. At 11.45 we head out as I have a retinopathy appointment at 12.05. I told them to drop me off and go for lunch but they wouldn’t hear of it. Forty minutes later I’ll bet they regretted that though John did tell me he’d eaten a pasty so he could take his pre- lunch tablets. We went to the Chippie ( my third chip meal of the week so far) where he still ate a full lunch and half Muriel’s chips. Somehow when he gets his Christmas present I have doubts about it fitting now.                                                                                                                                                                                                             After lunch we decided to go to Abakhan, a fabric mill with craft areas which opened a new cafe and gift shop today. They’ d received a 20% off voucher for anything they bought today. When we got there, everything was 20% off anyway. The new gift shop had been opened in the same building as the cafe. The goods were really nice but I was disappointed that it was same stock- different place and the prices were still very high. We bought nothing which for me must be a first. The cafe building is very nice and has some nice seating areas. I have no idea what the food is like but it would be fair to say I hope it better than it was in the old building. MuJo had cold drinks but being thirsty I asked for tea. There were some very tiny pots which Mu said must be small water jugs, but no they were teapots to fill thimbles. We had to look for teabags and then get hot water from a machine. To be absolutely fair, it was the nicest cuppa I’ve had in ages and to top it off a member of staff brought round mince pies to apologise for anyone having had to wait in the queue. Lovely gesture. After tea we had a quick look in the fabric section and the craft section I spent so many hours in with Ju. We headed home where I entered a competition for John on the computer before they went to visit his mother. I’d left myself little notes everywhere today so I remembered to watch my new episode of The Big Bang Theory before coming through to catch up on the last of my messages. Now it’s time for bed and another taste of Pratchett with Snuff. I’m enjoying the re-reads.

Friday. I awoke this morning to lost of post about Black Friday. Far from the disaster it sounds there were actually plenty of interesting and tempting deals. Of course you all know me so you can be sure my wallet didn’t get opened, my card did not get posted anywhere and I sat here perfectly calm, without twitching once, safe in the knowledge I don’t like shopping- as if !! I took a walk to the Post Office to buy my Christmas stamps, yes, I know I should have done it yesterday but I forgot, it’s an age thing. For lunch I had a cottage pie and I’m not sure the cottage had been demolished properly in parts, there’s every chance I was chewing on the chimney at one point I’m really going to have to learn the difference between minutes and seconds on the microwave.                                                                                                                                                          A few more messages dealt with in the afternoon, the women have stopped being coy now and are threatening to visit, I’m having maps mimeographed as soon as possible. I settled in front of the TV for a snooze when Mike and Rose arrived. No chance now, the peace is broken and Mike’s no better. I asked him id he’d driven legally and he replied that any answer might incriminate him .We watched an episode of The Mentalist and relaxed. Teatime came and Rose decided on some rice pudding while Mike and I, diet conscious as ever settle on bacon rolls. Mike washed my hair and I had a shower and changed into my dressing gown. The evening passed in gentle insults until it was suddenly 11.00pm and time for my last assault on any messages. I wished them both good night and came through.                                                                                       I’d not been here but a few minutes when I realised something wasn’t right. I didn’t feel at all well. Mike popped in and suggested I felt cold when I actually felt hot, no, change that to cold. He went back to his TV. Within moments the race was on and I just made it to the loo in time for a technicolour yawn , and, more, and more, and yet more. I was not on top form kneeling down and waiting for the floor to steady. Mike came in behind me and soothed my fevered brow, by which I mean he ran a flannel under the cold tap and slapped it dripping on my neck. Moments later the miracle cure I was back on my feet. Granted it was because I was trying to clout him with the back brush but at least it was from the right angle now. I did feel better and ‘My elder’ packed me off to bed while he cleaned up behind me. Ah, I’m sure few are the people who would do that for me. Thanks Brother of another Mother. Throughout my ordeal Rose had slept oblivious to the battlefield horrors around her.

Saturday. I was up at 5.00am ready to do battle with the remnants of last night’s mail and anything from early this morning. There was apparently no rush as Mike decided to totally ignore his 7.00 am alarm. I would have offered some assistance had Rose not been sleeping peacefully next to him. I didn’t want her to get wet too. By 7.30 they’d both risen and while they had their drinks I put the bins out. By 8.15 Mike and I were on our way. I’d heard one Supermarket was doing selection boxes at BOGTF ( Buy One Get Two Free) and as I needed selection boxes for Christmas, that’s where we headed. I paid for two and left with six which was a great bargain.We finished the Supermarket and I decided against breakfast so we headed for home to collect Rose. Mike wondered if there was anywhere we hadn’t been for a while and I suggested a little place in Cheshire. I know it’s over the border but thought I’d take a chance, maybe the reward posters had gone now. As it happened he’d never heard of it before and Rose hasn’t visited this part of the country previously anyway. It’s really not very far and we were there in less than an hour. The place is called Blakemere for anyone interested ( near Northwich). I don’t suggest my American friends should visit as you’d never make it in a day. It’s like a wonderful little village just where you wouldn’t expect it. Antique shops, various craft shops, a specialist ice cream shop, sweet shop, gift shop, wedding products, housewares and a Falconry Centre too. We had a whale of a time going round the wonderful shops as well as having lunch in one cafe and afternoon tea in another. We came away quite weary and it was getting quite dark. They made me leave even though I hadn’t seem Santa.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  At home there were exactly 100 messages to deal with which I managed in record time. My neighbour brought a parcel he’d taken in for me which are some great slippers I was expecting. We had a light tea and settled to watch Foyle’s War for 2 hours before it was time to come through and start the blog. It’s now five to midnight and I’m ready to call it a day. I can’t as it’s a night really ………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

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I wish you all a happy end to Movember and a brilliant start to December. Hugs all round.xxxxxx

You need Hands

Sunday. After the flooding of yesterday I knew I could get into no further trouble today if I sat quietly all morning and did e.mails and designed a few Christmas cards. The mails were mainly from you  lovely people who’d commented on the blog and in some cases left me with a large smile. There were however two other messages that piqued my interest, one to tell me I’ve won a book in a rafflecopter draw and asking me what format I’d prefer it in ( what’s a rafflecopter?) and the other one from a Nigerian business man who’s found a way to bilk the British Government in some complicated scheme to have me send them some goods and claim an allowance before they send them back and get a refund from the person we bought them off. I may have got this wrong because in all honesty the Zzzz’s were drifting in front of my face before I’d finished reading. What’s the equivalent of the chalk marks tramps and gypsies used to use to mark the pavement outside a gullible nice person’s house. I swear someone has marked my computer only it’s more like the way a dog marks it’s territory.                                                                                                                                                                                                          Yvonne, Ugo and Reuben were picking me up for lunch about eleven thirty. The morning’s rain had stopped and so I put my shoes on ready to step outside and watch for them. I don’t use the crutches just to stand by the door so I opened up, went to clasp my hands behind my back and wallop I hit something. I half turned and saw a T-light candle holder in the shape of a pair of hands sail past my side. The relief was palpable as they landed on the carpet and my sigh was accompanied by an inaudible chuckle as they bounced, hovered on the lip of the step and dropped to smash into more pieces than I had glue for. I don’t understand why the Gods hate me, I sacrificed an apple to them only ten years or so ago. I swept up dejectededly as I really loved those hands. Such character they had. The car drew up outside so I grabbed my jacket and sticks, locked up and went to lunch. Yvonne reminded me I’d suggested lunch and a visit to the Tweed Mill to see their Christmas shop.There’s no way we’d eat lunch there as it’s very overpriced for a simple cafeteria area. We ate at the Dragon’s Rest ( sorry Mike, I know it used to be ‘Our’ place) where Reuben came to life and watched every mouthful I ate giving me a terrible conscience, probably as intended. The food was great and as soon as we finished it was time to move on. The Tweed Mill was crowded. Yvonne walked round cursing me for taking her there, (like I even drive), while Ugo and Reuben walked round looking bored. After the Christmas shop Yvonne and I left Ugo to have a cuppa and a cake while she and I walked round the gift section. Being good the only thing I bought was a picture frame for them about being married to your best friend. We caught up with the boys and headed home where I gave them the clothes I’d bought yesterday, some owl wall stickers and the books that had come for Yvonne. I gave them chance to read while I held Reuben up to the mirror to be fascinated by himself. They left about 4.pm and I dealt with mail till it was time to eat then I settled down to watch the last half of one of the feelgood movies that are on around now. Back to emails because tonight I’m staying up late by watching a film that doesn’t start till 9.pm.’ The Book of Eli.’ After that it’s an hours read and then hopefully some sleep. Bet you all wish your life was this exciting.

Monday. Monday morning brings a curtain of rain first thing. I looked out of the window to see if it was snow and the predicted Arctic from had arrived, but no it was rain and everything was still pitch black. I dealt with emails fairly quickly because there were no marriage arrangements to ponder but I did check my bank account and don’t understand why the millions haven’t arrived yet. Mind you, my account was still intact too but that could have been my accidental slip in providing a completely bogus name and account number and directing them to the fraud office of the bank. I had half an hour on ebay looking at gadgets and was very impressed ( I’m a child) with the finger lights that look fantastic when you wave your hands around in the dark. The light seems to follow behind so it looks like you’re writing.                                           At about 9.0am I tried dodging raindrops as I dashed ( har de har) to the corner shop for bread. I was soaked six feet from my front door. It’s just as well I’m shrink proof. It was odd while I was  there and noticed a bottle of Lucozade.-for those who don’t know what it is, count yourselves lucky. A friend(?) and I had also discussed this in emails and I was reminded that as a small child of about 5 years, I won 6 small bottles of this drink for singing Nellie the Elephant on the pier at Hastings. I think the prize was one bottle and the other five bribery to make me stop singing the chorus. I always wonder if the people have ever returned to Hastings since then. Another memory that slips into replace that is of the ‘penny machines’ where you’d flip a lever and propel a steel ball towards a set of metal chutes above. If it went inthe right hole you could win a cigarette, Woodbines or Players I think. How times change. On similar machines ( for those in the UK- anyone else STOP READING) you could also win a packet of Spangles. If you’re about my age you may remember them. The Old English with a peculiar brown one that tasted of cough medicine, or the fantastic Acid Drop ones that I still yearn for today. Where was I? Oh yes, Hastings Pier. Believe it or not but I had a fine singing voice when young, it’s the Welsh blood. I was selected to sing in the choir at St.George’s Church in Stockport when I was about eleven but we moved away soon after and I’m assured there was no connection. I remember having a tape a  friend and I made when I was in my early twenties where we sang Beatle’s songs to backing music. I’m quite sure Yvonne never believed it was me.                                   More Christmas parcels arrived during the day and I’m getting quite smug now.                                                                                                                                                                                            Doing emails this evening I came across one that had a music video of Men Without Hats- Safety Dance. That set me on a music of the 80’s evening while I finished my comments. So, just to copy the idea,I leave you with one of my favourites ( of Oh so many) of that era. Enjoy !                                                                                                                             http://youtu.be/OvMoRVrqx_I

Tuesday. I’m not sure if it was even worth going to bed last night as I was awake at 3.50 am. I’d woken up gasping for breath as in the dream I’d last had I’d just finished making a strange kind of surf n’ turf meal with a moules marinieres sauce which I’d then tasted knowing how allergic I am to seafood. I’d hate to have my dreams translated as I also remember last night a sequence where for some strange reason I found myself designing and making a ladies nightie with a matching housecoat. It was in some kind of black lace and quite sheer. If anyone in Prudes United ever hears about it, I’ll be drummed out. The rain was lashing down outside doing a continuous drum roll on the roof. This is on of those times to regret being in a bungalow as you don’t have an upper storey to shield you from the noise. Obviously it was pitch black outside still so abandoning custom I made an early coffee and settled with my mail. No proposals, no cons today ( at least so far) though all the world want to sell me insurance and an inordinate number of businesses are now following me on Pinterest.                                                                                                                                                           COMMERCIAL BREAK- For any of you authors interested in getting your books on any of my Pinterest boards, check here   http://www.pinterest.com/lorddavid/   and let me know what board you want. If a particular Nationality like New Zealand writers for example isn’t there for you it can always be created.                                                           The rain has ceased by the time it was getting light at 7.30 so Yvonne and I agreed to meet at  Broughton Park for a day’s shopping. ( She’s a terrible influence on me). We met by Tesco’s at 9.30 and headed straight for the escalator  up to the cafe. I parked Reuben by my table while Yvonne went to the counter to order. He was happily asleep. Yvonne told me he’d had a nine hour night and instead of getting some rest she’d stayed awake worrying  about him not screaming at feed time.I hope as Reuben starts to get into a sleeping habit, she will too. Coffee over we mooched round the clothes section but amazingly bought nothing.Then back down the escalator ( no, not the same one) to the Christmas gift , decorations and food sections where we – by which I mean I- was well controlled again.  Outside into the very nippy air I managed a cigarette before looking round British Home Stores  admiring all their house wares and their unusual Christmas gift section. They had some lovely hampers.With the lack of movement of the pram- though not a lack of movement from him, phewee, Reuben started to wake. We started a brink walk towards lunch an baby changing facilities. I hoped a burst of speed might confuse people as to where the smell was coming from but really I was more concerned they didn’t think it was me. Costa provided the light lunch and a drink we needed and the information centre where they’re based gave Yvonne the chance to change Reuben though the swap she got still looked suspiciously like him.  You can see what you think if I decide to post any pictures this week for his fan club, my exes.                                                                                                                                         Before leaving today I’d put on my patented super slimmer vest  with the reinforced, armadillo-like plating.There had been a fair amount of screaming and swearing, some of it from me. As I was walking round the shops I noticed it wasn’t doing a very good job of holding my stomach in. What  it did do however was reduce the small band of fat just above my hips. This was a problem as that was all that was between me and a degree of embarrassment if my trousers fell down. Keeping a steady walk with the crutches and attempting to raise the waistline of my trousers was an art form in dexterity I don’t want again.                                                                                                               I shan’t bore you with details of other shops we went round and a period where Reuben decided he wanted to be carried and then put in the baby sling but needless to say a few bags somehow got filled.  By the time it came to depart I had a full backpack as well as two large carrier bags trying to hinder my walking.  The Christmas shopping may be going well but it’s certainly no doddle. I was home in time to catch an old episode of the Mentalist and have a meal, snake and pygmy with mashed potatoes followed by some tinned pineapple- out of the tin for the sake of my teeth- an then into battle with the day’s messages. There were 139 but crying didn’t help so I got stuck in leaving just 6 when 8.55 pm arrived and a new episode of the current Mentalist. I relaxed and enjoyed myself with a bar of extremely nice totally diabetic friendly Cadbury’s chocolate. 10.00 pm and it was back into battle. The 6 were now 42 which kept me up till 11.30 when it’s time to relax with my book for a while. The very excellent Conn Iggulden’s Wars of the Roses. Goodnight all.

Pongy Nappy

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Wednesday. Early morning, rain, rain and more rain. Someone loves me again and wants me to look after her inheritance since her parents died in an horrific plane crash ( easily verifiable she tells me) and they always wanted her to  marry well. She just needs to get the money out of the clutches of her wicked guardian and she’s going to need a lawyer and my bank a/c details. …….. At 9.00 am the rain stopped and I went to the post office to send a phone flip case to my niece. I think the postmaster kept his finger on the scale when he told me the postage would be more than the case cost and they’d included postage in that. I lightened my wallet considerably, wiping the tears from my eyes as I did so then I headed back home. The first message I opened on my return was from a crook. I hope my bank manager isn’t like this…………………

Assalamu alaikum,

My name is Mr. Hamzaki Mourad, I am a staff working with the Bank Of Africa here 
in Ouagadougou,Burkina Faso. I want you to help me in receiving the sum of 
Twenty Secen Million Two Hundred thousand Dollars ($27,200,000) into your Bank 
Account. This fund was deposited in the bank here by a foreign customer who died 
accidentally alongside with his entire family members many years ago. Nobody had 
asked for this fund till now.

If you are interested, you have to provide an account where the fund will be 
remitted because i am highly interested to secure this money from the Bank. 
Please you can contact me immediately to start the transfer process. Further 
details about the fund and this transaction will be given to you upon the 
receipt of your response.

Please understand that we have to hurry-up our actions because the bank 
authority here has plans to redeposit this fund into the treasury of the Central 
Government as unclaimed fund if nobody applies for this fund after the next bank 
audit which will begin here soon. I await your urgent reply.

send me the information’s
Your full names.........................
Address,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Age,,,,,,,,,,,,,
profession,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Your photo................

Mr. Hamzaki Mourad
Bank Of Africa
Ouagadougou - Burkina Faso

I’m not sure  how much twenty secen million is though. The day passed pretty much without incident except maybe at lunchtime when I had a Shepherd’s Pie ( I just hope he never catches me). I was so eager that when I bit into it I burnt my tongue and my lip. They naturallly swelled a little so when Dilwyn and Matthew arrived for their game early I had to regale them with my brave struggle against the mystery assailant before we could play a game. Naturally it’s the fault of my damaged lip that Dil started his Scrabble game with a seven letter word on a double word score and got something ridiculous like 156. I went next with a brave and challenging 12 followed by Matt who’s barely old enough to know any words who hammered me again with a 28 or something. All I’m going to say is I fought hard and lost. The second game Dil started with just 24 but even then my tongue only managed 12 and Matt a 24.  Matthew won. I called a break and made a drink. After that I pulled out the new but original game of Trivial Pursuit I’d bought on Ebay. My faulty reasoning was Matthew wouldn’t know the answers to questions set back in the 80’s and Dil would only be able to answer the ones he was interested in then. Within minutes my tongue and lip were aware I had a game on my hands and those two begg my brother and nephew had two portions of pie each. Even an afternoons’s swotting wasn’t helping ( joke). I took it up a gear and showed my age class by winning the game. Honours even.

Thursday. Horror of horrors. I opened my emails this morning and received an invitation to have a woman at my side as soon as I wanted. Young, nubile and ready to ‘swing’ into ‘action’, she didn’t offer marriage or millions of pounds. Does she think I’ll sell myself so cheaply on the alter of ‘Nookie’?( Probably). Someone recently offered to let me read The Perfumed Garden and I had to explain I’ve not graduated from the allotment yet. Anyway, after I’d sobbed my heart out at being thought such easy prey, I went out to the shop. The cash machine was empty and I was reduced to pulling the fluff out of my pockets to find enough cash to pay for my lottery ticket. I’d not been home a few minutes when MuJo arrived. I made coffees and opened my morning post that had nearly hit John on the back of his leg as it shot through the letterbox. I’ll have to tell the postwoman to ease up on those steroids. We chatted for a while or to be more accurate I listened for a while as John was very enthusiastic about some Christmas Cards I’d designed and printed for him. I can understand why his came out fine but when I tried to do mine the printer wouldn’t take the good card and on the card it would take, the ink soaked in. We went to town. I got cash from the bank machine then left  my watch at a market stall to get a new battery and headed off to lunch at Kassidy’s. Roast pork dinner today with crackling but I know Christmas is getting close as my plate was adulterated with sprouts. An abomination before me on my plate. Ugh! I made a formal complaint to the management and left hastily before he heard me. With all three of us claiming to be full to bursting we headed off to Flint. MuJo wanted to look at box freezers in case they get snowed in this year. They’ve already had their first snowfall so it’s entirely possible.We went in at least four shops that don’t sell freezers where I was able to get a few bits and bobs ( very useful things are bits and bobs) before we headed for a coffee. At least I had a coffee while those two had a chocolate indulgence which is like another meal with all the cream and marshmallows on top. John added a scone to his list. Finally we went to a shop that sells freezers via a catalogue ( Argos for my UK friends) and bought one for delivery next week. By the time we got back it was getting dark. I showed John how to adjust volume on computers and they left for home. I had twenty minutes mail before watching my Mentalist. Between 8.oo pm and 11.05 pm it’s been emails and this post. Time to read my book now I think.

OK, I’m just being needlessly cruel now.

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Friday. I don’t know why I woke so early this morning but I know I was never happier to see seven o’clock as by the time it arrived I was down to my last two cigarettes and they’d last me till about five past the way I was feeling today. I suppose you could call it On Edge. One email I received told me that a gift I’d ordered two weeks ago isn’t in stock despite showing as being in stock at the time of he order. Two emails later I’m informed new stock won’t be arriving until about December 12th. This is a main present and as such is very important and not easy to replace. I have no choice but to wait and see but I’m not happy at being let down at this stage.                                      The in appears my popularity has taken another nose dive as there are no marriage proposals today though I suppose it’s possible that Nigeria is currently empty of women all flying off to get married….yeah, right !  The postman called with a parcel I’ve been looking forward to, a pair of the most ludicrous slippers I’ve ever bought and believe me the competition has been tough. The joy I’ll get out of seeing the recipients face when their parcel is opened. Why, I’m even thinking of gift wrapping it to build the tension.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          Half past eleven I received a text from Mike, “On way” it said. Knowing he was over two hours away, probably over three if he drives within the speed limits, I was able to have a liesurely lunch and then for pudding eat all the loose chocolate biscuits he might otherwise pinch. I feel sick now. I must have nodded a little because I just heard the front door opening and it made me sit upright. I might as well pretend to be alert now I’m in this position.                                                                                                                                We had a good afternoon’s natter till I applied his gag so I could see The Mentalist. Then I made some sandwiches for tea after which the gannet ate my last two Christmas puddings with custard. He was kind enough to come through to wash my hair then I had a shower and made coffees.( Not in the shower, I made those in the kitchen). We talk a lot Mike and I, generally throwing insults at each other but friends don’t generally come much closer than we are. After 40 years we know each other inside out. It therefore pained me to tell him I could no longer have him coming at the weekends if he keeps telling me he only eats my chocolate because he doesn’t want the loose bars to get lonely. About 11.00pm I came through to finish my mail before bed. Shopping in the morning so I’ll need to be up early.

Saturday. Early rising as predicted. I hadn’t thought it would be as early as 4.40 am but it’s not like I have a choice. I turn the computer on and walk down the hall towards the loo. It’s not an easy journey as Mr ‘I don’t snore’ was breathing heavily with accompanying noises. Every time he breather out I was pushed back the way I’d come, when he breather in I was able to make some progress. Eventually I lowered myself to the carpet where I thought I’d off er the least resistance and made it before I wet myself. I just finished my mail at 7.10 when I almost had a heart attack after hearing Mike get up without an alarm and without me using a crowbar. I made us both a coffee and while he sat in his chair looking like a mini Buddha, stomach resting on his knees, I collected the rubbish to put out for collection. When he spoke I put him back down again. Despite having managed to drag himself from his pit we were still late going out at 8.00am.                                                                                                                                Shopping didn’t take too long as my list was short today. We drove to Flint where he could have a coffee and leer at Ceri in the cafe. Daniel told me his brothers, my friends Adam and Richard are singing the anthem at the Australia-Fiji match this afternoon. I’ll miss it unfortunately but I’m looking forward to the release of their Christmas album soon. After a lovely hug and a kiss from Ceri we took the shopping home and unpacked. By now it had gone mid-day so we set off for Colwyn Bay and lunch, a visit to a specific shop and also to meet our friend. Mike and I had actually finished eating before Brian arrived so we took the chance to look round a charity shop . They’re all so dear now and far from the old days of all donated things, there’s so much new stock in them now. Brian finished and joined us we all had a wander round a little of the local market and through the shopping precinct ( Mall) until Mike went to get a sim card from the car for Brian’s phone. That done we said our goodbyes and headed our separate ways. We stopped off t look at a Christmas shop in a garden centre on the way which was a chance of a drink and I enjoyed a milk shake for a real change. It was only after we got home I remembered we hadn’t been to the shop we’d traveled to Colwyn Bay for.                                                                                                   An attack on emails, some tea and then a relax with the TV alongside the usual insult sessions filled up most of the evening. Time to finish off here now so I have time for a read. But I must just remind you first that when sending your fan mail some of you think my name is Reuben.  That’s OK. I’ll accept it under any name now as I appreciate your efforts.

Huge Hugs and I wish you all A  Great Week

iPhone or maybe i don’t

Sunday. There’k at home and took his leave.s not point in pretending I’m technically minded. I don’t walk round with Nerd written on my head but spend hours trying to scrub the word Plonker off.  Yvonne has given me her old iphone 3 since she’s updated to the latest model that probably has better fathering skills than  I do too.  Dim  as a Toc H lamp I thought all I needed to do was transfer the sim from my old phone to the new one to forge ahead into the ‘I can get the internet anywhere’ brigade. Mike when he deigned to get up this afternoon morning ( he said I had to change it) pointed out the two phones weren’t even with the same Company let alone the tariff that allows internet. Accordingly he changed the sim card over and registered it with the internet and cloud (?) before phoning my supplier Virgin to see what the next move is. Seems Yvonne has to speak to Apple to get the phone unlocked. He spoke to her and she said she’d get in touch.

This messing about had us running a little late so we dashed off for lunch. We went to The Blossoms where we’ve been a few times recently. On walking in we both burst into laughter as the whole back wall of the dining-room has been decorated to resemble a library using exactly the same wallpaper I used on my doors. Looks like I’m a trend-setter at last. After lunch and his trough plate was empty, Mike dropped me back at home and said his goodbyes before heading off home. I had a go at getting onto Virgin to change my tariff only to find they were down for possibly 48 hours. Worst of it was I tried to put the old sim back in my old phone for now and it wouldn’t work. Looks like maybe something has happened to the sim card. Emails to everyone to explain texts won’t get answered. I miss you Mike.

Monday. David arrived today showing what a trouper he is. Nerves of steel, a sense of humour and a strong stomach are needed for Loft pt.1. Up he went and I resisted hiding the ladders till the job was complete. I sat in the hallway as stuff came tumbling down around me, I had been standing till the first Christmas tree hit me. I couldn’t even begin to list all the things that were found but before he left for the day David had a trailer full. That included 5 Christmas Trees and a lot of fairy lights and decorations which are going to Heart Radio to be given to those who are struggling to celebrate this year. There were a few books and quite a few items we’ll describe as collectibles, they were going to a Charity shop where I hope they’ll do some good. David also showed he has some of my genes by taking a few things for his own collections.

Tuesday. Today was shopping with Yvonne and Reuben. Thanks to a skill I’ve not forgotten, moral blackmail and pure pleading, Yvonne has agreed to help me think of items for people’s Christmas gifts this year. I’ve too few working brain cells left to chance wearing them out just yet.

Shopping with Yvonne is always a laugh for me as I can use all the old jokes she’s not heard and her sense of humour is as warped as mine anyway so when we see something ridiculous for someone she’s always on the same wavelength. I pray Reuben has the relationship with is Mum that she and I have so life is always fun for him. The cap and Cardigan are two items I couldn’t resist buying Reuben today. I even got a Santa’s Little Helper sleep suit ready for his first Christmas. Ugo took me home with Yvonne and Reuben when he got back from work and we enjoyed a chip supper together.

Wednesday. David returned for round 2 today. I’m sure his mental condition can be treated. It was another hard slog and four more Christmas trees were brought down before the forest was finally denuded. Again there were bags of decorations which included a singing turkey which danced around the room when batteries were added. I had just the home for that. Much Chinese crockery was found to Yvonne’s delight and also quite a few pieces of Chokin  and other things. We’d made great headway by early afternoon and decided that what was still up there could be dealt with by me at a later date. The loft hatch was closed with sighs of relief from both of us. A sucker for punishment David asked if I wanted to carry on and clear Ju’s books. I jumped at the chance and a ton of books from her collection on Princess Diana, books on horses and even more of crafting left heading for a charity shop. David left for the day and I tried to tidy up some of the things left behind that I had other homes for. I spent the evening sneezing from the dust that had drifted out of the loft and off the books. I’m not sure what happened to the other 6 dwarves and Snow White. My brother Dilwyn, nephew Matthew and Nephew Lee came to humiliate me at Trivial Pursuit. Lee also helped me place my important files in ‘Dropbox’ ready to format my computer, take  back to factory settings and put Windows 7 on. That will hopefully happen next Wednesday.

Thursday. Oh evil day. I was up at five doing emails including one from Yvonne to say Apple had messaged her that the phone was unlocked. By eight o’clock I was dashing to the loo and throwing up. I had to go back to bed and that’s not something I enjoy. I absolutely hate admitting defeat and giving up. I slept……….. As I got up later my screen was deader than a dodo. Back to the hated laptop to complete messages and try to get Virgin to change my package to a sim only with internet access and also to send me a new sim card.

Friday I’m in trouble for not arranging to see the surgery Chest Clinic about my bronchitis. Yvonne’s disapproval came hurtling down T’interweb and she’s booked me in straight after a doctor’s appointment on Tuesday. Worse still, she’s coming with me. Such a lack of trust there. I’m sure I’ve been there so often I have an invitation to the staff Christmas party this year. MuJo arrived and were thrilled with their goodies from the loft which included the funky Turkey. Muriel was also pleased with a number of books written in cartoon form about horse riders. She was also delighted when we got to town and found my tearoom had  Roast Lamb dinner on today since it’s her favourite meal. We followed that with a short shopping/ coffee expedition before returning home where we found MiRo ( Mike and Rose) waiting for us. A little chit-chat and Mujo left to visit his mother. The three of us who remained caught up on each other’s news and eventually Mike fitted the new sim card which had arrived in the iphone 3. Nada. He spoke to Virgin and they said it needed to be activated ( why, it’s the same number). 24 hours and we could try it again. Mike washed my hair  for me to save me putting my arms above my head then we filled our faces while watching the TV. I kept the laptop on my knee to keep abreast of emails.

Saturday. I knew Mike had set his alarm for 7.am so after finishing my messages at 6.30 I crept into their room to gather their cups to wash. I must creep with a creak because I disturbed Rose who to her credit didn’t scream at having someone wandering round her room. I caught a glimpse of myself in a mirror and almost wet myself. Anyway she came through to the lounge and we had a drink together. The fibbin’Arab had set his alarm for 7.30 and true to form ignored it. I took a coffee through and threaten to tickle his feet if he didn’t move. That generated a grunt. One reminder later and he moved. Not much chance of an eight o’clock start though. We did manage to leave the house by 9.am though and headed for Broughton Park where Mike and I did the shopping while Rose had a cuppa upstairs in ‘Ella’s Fountain’. Shopping done, Mike and I joined her for a coffee and a look round he sale stock. We left and went to look for a gift Mike particularly wants for his so for Christmas. We’ve seen them in a particular shop before but not today. They’re all gone. We had a waltz round the other shops there and went for lunch.Rose even managed to get him to stop doing his Quasimodo impressions long enough to place the order. I was forced, FORCED I tell you to indulge in a (diabetic) all day breakfast of bacon, sausage, egg, beans, mushrooms and chips. After this we shot to another set of shops where Rose managed to find the gift Mike wanted so we headed home with a detour for coffee at my favourite watering hole. Mike being Mike tried to see how long it would take to get me banned, and there we were back to Quasimodo again. The evening was spent with TV, laptop and supper along with the laugh of finding out the new sim card won’t work in the old phone ( have we bugger’d that up now) and isn’t being recognised in the new one either. I think I’ll go back to using semaphore.

Wishing you all a Wonderful week and sending Hugs.

The Whole Truth and Nothing Like the Truth.

This evening my brother came to visit me and brought my nieces Karen and Joanne with him. The point- to cheer me up, the actuality- to traumatise me for life.

My brother and I get on very well but like many brothers we rarely see each other. He works and has a family. Me, well I just skive. My nieces I see quite often but until tonight I didn’t realise just how little I know them. This experience has shaken the bedrock of my Universe and made me see my family in a whole new light.

 

Dil, ( my brother) had suggested last week that maybe we could enjoy an evening of cards and company. Why I didn’t listen I have no idea but foolishly I suggested a game of Balderdash of which I used tio be very fond. Maybe one of the reasons for that fondness was getting used to the way the other players used to couch their answers so you knew who’d written what. For instance it was well known that if the answer contained animals it was likely written by Ju, I was always accused of writing medical or historical ones and various friends might do mechanical or ones that involved Viking Township names. Tonight I played blind and it was scary.

 

For those of you who have not heard of Balderdash let me explain. It’s very similar to the TV panel game of Call my Bluff. One person reads out a word and everyone else writes an explanation ridiculous enough to be believable to try and fool the other players. That done, the reader then reads out all the answers including the real one and asks the players to choose the one they think is true. Points are scored for getting the right answer and also if your answer is chosen by someone else. In other words it’s a game for poker faced liars.

 

Tonight I found out just what liars my family are. We had words where the explanations given by each player were more convincing than the real answer and everyone kept a completely straight face while there’s was read out making it very difficult, nay impossible, to guess which they’d written until the time for scoring came. What an eye opener when my niece Karen can give as a definition of the word Jejunator- a Spanish Politician or Jo for the word Craquelure- a Precipitation of hailstones or my brother for Titubation- To make a mockery of. I was horrified to see just how easily they lied.

 

We had time for three games before they left. Three games in which I was shocked to think they may go back home now and lie just as easily and convincingly there. I confess the only saving feature of the night was that I won two of the games so saved them from themselves. A noble sacrifice but one I was willing to make.

Jejunator. A person who goes on a fast.

Craquelure. The crazed marks in the glaze of a painting.

Titubation. Staggering or reeling.