My Account is Suspended in a Bank I Don’t Have?

Sunday. 4.18 am of the clock and all is NOT well. Grumpy,Tired and Awake  were always the worst combination of the seven dwarves. It’s the perfect opportunity to do some wrapping but thankfully I realise the noise will wake Mike. And believe me, I can curse loudly. So, I’ll answer messages from you lot instead and if I see one smug grin because you’ve finished your wrapping, I won’t be responsible for what happens ( Though technically I will be I suppose). Surprisingly for this hour of the morning I have messages from Santander telling me to pay something off my credit card, Lloyd’s Bank want me to do the same and Barclay’s lets me know there is a problem on my account so it’s suspended until the problem is sorted. It amazes me there’s anyone working at this hour except my antipodean friends and idiots like me. Fortunately I’m not so tired as to be insensible to the fact that I don’t have accounts with any of these banks. It really does worry me though as to how many of their customers think these spam messages are real and hand over the details needed to defraud them.                                                                                                                                                                                                        At 6.45 the yawns are coming thick and fast. I’m up to date with comments on the blog and there are no more messages for now. I  decide to try for another hour on the bed. Someone took me very literally and I awoke with a start at 7.45. Strange as I don’t remember taking a start to bed with me..boom boom. I do the usual wash and dress, feed the fish, take my sprays and tabs and finally make myself a coffee. There’s probably enough time to answer a few more messages before Mike gets up and maybe he’ll fancy a car boot sale. As it happens I could have written War and Peace before he got up at 9.30am. There’s no chance of a car boot sale at this time so we might as well stay in. Michael suggests we’ve time to wrap one more bag of presents each so quick thinking, light on my feet I remind him he needs a few special Christmas cards to take back with him. “No problem” says he, “I think we’ve time to wrap first and then go out or at worst I can buy the cards at home.” Panic !! “Oh no Mike, you’ve already had a card from Rose and one from your son so it would be nice to be ready with yours when you get back”. He gave that a little thought until half an hour later he thought I might be right. I made him a second coffee for that.                                                                                                                                                                                        By 11. am we were on our way to a little shopping precinct that has an excellent card shop but also has a large Supermarket with a cafe for lunch. Mike chose his cards and I told him what all the big words like ‘The’ and ‘And’ said and he headed for the till. I carried on looking round until he was ready. e headed for the Supermarket and decided from the menu what we fancied. As it happens we both chose to have roast beef dinners with a nice mince-pie to follow. Mike told me dinner was his treat today and would brook no argument. Not understanding what a stream has to do with anything I didn’t argue too much. We sat down with a drink and our allotted number and I took my ‘before’ tablet. We waited and then waited some more. I could see other later numbers being served and could feel the hair growing up my nostrils. Eventually it arrived and looked very nice. The meal was eaten in silence. I don’t know whether Mike was as disappointed as I was but I’m guessing so. I couldn’t say anything for fear of appearing ungrateful but it as a disaster on a plate. Too dry stuffing, roasts that weren’t really, what looked and tasted like boil in a bag meat, some individual portions f peas and carrots and some boiled potatoes. The boiled potatoes were the saving grace, they had texture and they were hot, the only things that were other than the plate itself. On the other hand, the mince-pie was excellent.                                                                                                                                                                                                                           I decided to have a walk round the shop while Mike nipped to the loo ( I remember a song from childhood with a line like ‘Skipped to the loo my Darling’ and now understand what it meant). I wanted to see if the CD by my friends Richard and Adam was in. For some reason the sale sign on a group of electric bulbs caught my eye though I have no idea why since I could supply have the UK from my stocks.  Moving on I found some perfect stocking fillers for someone and loaded up. On to the right aisle and I find that the Number 5 CD has sold out and prepare to go. Mike arrived saying he’d been looking for me and where the heck had I been? Glossing over that I said I was disappointed about the CD and he took great pleasure in pointing out a little pile that had been placed nearby. ” I told you it would make you go blind” he told me grinning from ear to ear.

Advert.. http://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/B00F4M8PME/ref=s9_simh_gw_p15_d0_i1?pf_rd_m=A3P5ROKL5A1OLE&pf_rd_s=center-2&pf_rd_r=1RWKRMPB4DPMQJG7VXP6&pf_rd_t=101&pf_rd_p=455344027&pf_rd_i=468294  Listen out for Oh Holy Night. They really are fantastic singers.

After paying we headed for home where Mike watched the end of some programme or other on TV. Next thing I know he’s shaking me to tell me it’s time for him to go. I waved him off and came back to deal with messages before going to have some tea and settle with a film on the goggle box. Ridiculous as it sounds I spent the rest of the evening feeling really lonely and sad. Just before midnight I checked Ebay and found I’d lost an electric violin for my beloved son-in-law which didn’t help. I settled for a short read and then slept.

Monday. OK, who is it that hates me? 4.05 and I’m back with the dwarves again. I wish Snow White kept better control of them. Still, it gave me chance to do another blog on a wonderful award I received and then notify my nominees. Before it was time to see to the fish I had plenty of chance to deal with my mail too. Fresh coffee by my side I start to do some more gift wrapping before my daughter arrives tomorrow with an offer to help………..wrap hers. Naturally that’s the one I get out of the way. Back on the mail again I find a great post about pop stars of the 80’s and pictures as they are now. Frankly some are glamorous but fighting the years and others are totally unrecognisable  as the stars they once were. Naturally this gives me the opportunity to put you-tube up with some tracks, Talk Talk, Simple Minds, Tears for Fears etc.  Suddenly I have the feeling of eyes following me round the room which isn’t difficult because pictures of Ju are on every wall. I’m feeling really sad, really low. That brings on the urge to play something different. Lets start with the Wonderful Josef Locke and Jerusalem-The Holy City, oh you’re not THAT old, OK, we’ll move it up a notch. The Manhattans with Kiss and say Goodbye? How about. Sarah Brightman and Andrea Bocelli with Time to Say Goodbye. Are you starting to see where this is going now? R.E.M, Everybody Hurts  http://youtu.be/5rOiW_xY-kc    .I put on Freddie Mercury’s last ( and my favourite) song  These are the Days of Our Lives and the tears are streaming down my face.  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sDUmT3wm-0A&feature=share&list=FLykLqhnwlNz3Qz3GX3qyuXw&index=4  Please don’t let the postman knock. From there it’s a downhill spiral that even my sixties tracks can’t undo. The rest of Monday is hereby censored by Order of the Sanity Police.

Tuesday. I’d gone to bed late last night but today had a better start with a 6.00 am rising. There was a manageable amount of mail first thing ( 59) and I was grateful I didn’t have a drink to choke on when one I opened offered the most Amazing Sex . The bloody message alone nearly brought on an Angina attack ever mind the sex which I’m sure would have killed me. I haven’t got the foggiest idea what I wrote to anyone after that so if you got an odd message or comment you now know why. After I got washed and dressed, saw to the fish, took tabs and made a coffee these images were still running through my head. I needed a cold shower but hate walking around in wet clothes, though it’s possible the water would have turned to steam anyway. Why in the heck am I getting messages like his? There is only one way to clear my head and that’s music. Back to you-tube, a duo I think were very underestimated were The Marbles  http://youtu.be/ghHRknAUB0g  but this track is so funny as there’s hardly any pretence about the miming and yet the song and the voices are fantastic. Next up is Marmalade, ( no Seumas, it’s not breakfast time, put that knife down please, Matron’s on her way) http://youtu.be/vnbY089cQlw  Don’t you just love the accent of the presenter?  No show would be complete without my Mamas and Papas with California Dreamin’  http://youtu.be/N-aK6JnyFmk   . I’m sorry for all you visitors who are too young to know these tracks ( most of you) but it should at least be an education for you as to what your parents ( OK, Grandparents) used to listen to. Now back to my mail for a while and then get ready for Yvonne coming with little chubby cheeks………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………… They arrived at about 10.45 by which time amazingly I was up to date. We didn’t need to go out until about midday so there was plenty of time to watch Reuben’s face break into a grin as I made him into an aeroplane and flew him overhead or let him stare at the big canvas of his mum and day who h has no problem recognising. I let Yvonne look over the folder of sketches and poems I’d done for her as a child.  It was funny watching the recognition appear on her face and then change to a look of panic as she said ” Please tell me I didn’t understand some of these when we read them.” I eventually assured her she didn’t.

Dominic Dragon was at a loss, not sure if it could be,

that as the result of a one night stand, and a pint of blood or three.

How an increase in his girth appears, so he asks the witches coven,

It means that he now is a she and has a bun in the oven.

Just a brief ‘interlewd’ for entertainment purposes. At twelve we head out for the bus and I drop a prescription into the chemists for repeat. They’re very good and do it all for me. The bus driver isn’t the most cheerful chap I’ve seen as he neither lowers the electric step to get the pram aboard or help with it so I try and grab the front and lift it up to the step. Because I can’t use one crutch to do this Yvonne is trying to use one hand to stop me toppling over. Complete slapstick. We manage the trip to town and draw up by the bus stop. I stand to put my sticks on and almost fall as the bus jerks forward a couple of feet, Yvonne grabs me ans as I steady lets go. The bus jerks forward a couple more feet and there I go again. I just right myself when it goes for the third and last time. Someone is crossing the road ahead of him and he’s creeping up instead of waiting. The door opens and I make for it when the driver gets up and leans out shouting ” Take your time won’t you, It’s not like I have a timetable to keep to.” I hang back a mo ostensibly to give him time to move out of the way but really in case she throws something heavy.                                                                                                      We manage to get down to Kassidy’s for lunch where I have liver and onions with mash. I’m told the iron is good for me when I’m pregnant which I certainly look. Yvonne says if the iron is good for me why don’t I use it on my shirt. I’m not sure children should be allowed to be disrespectful of their elders. Lunch done we go to the doctors to have my BP checked. It’s normal !! 140 over 80 YAY. It’s all this sensible eating. We go to celebrate by looking for two things, a prawn ring and some vol au vent cases for Yvonne’s Boxing Day Buffet. I We manage to fill two large carrier bags at Lidl but don’t blame me, it’s her bad influence. Since we didn’t find vol au vent cases we move on to Tesco’s.Another very large carrier bag full which isn’t my fault either, I mean can you see me looking for butternut squashes? I don’t even know what they are. Reuben is on the point of waking up and the weight of the bags on the pram handles has them almost level with the floor. One wrong move and he’ll be catapulted out. We head for home. With my freezer temporarily full of food I leave Yvonne and Reuben in the lounge for 40 mins while I clear a little mail. Nothing exciting. At 5.pm I go through and take Reuben to bounce on my knee. I swear it would be less painful to use a sledgehammer. We play until Ugo arrives from work and he’s brought some tea. In my case that means sausage and chips. I can’t be rude and not eat it so I force myself sad that my sensible eating rule only lasted a few hours. They head off to bath my little champion and it’s back to mil until 900 pm when the latest The Mentalist is on.Damn, I had the wrong Red John. But Patrick kills the right one in the end….doesn’t he? Mail catch up  again until it’s time to go for a read. Night y’all.

Wednesday. Early start at 4.21 which for some reason I thought said 7.21 and got up happily. ( Twit. Note to self, get new glasses). By 6.00 am I was bale to start wrapping a few more gifts , my obvious enthusiasm showing through as I managed to tape everything to everything else ad had to separate them with the scissors. Then I lost the gift tags  which after a good ten minutes search I found partly attached to one of the gifts and partly to the sleeve of my cardigan- but on my rear side ( If you lot think I’m going to feed your crude humour by saying backside, think again ). By 8.00 am I was bored and glad of the chance to go and turn the fish TANK on and take my tabs. After that I came back through with a coffee to get dressed.                                                                                                                                                                                                                         A little later I took a walk to the Chemist/Post Office ( You can tell it’s a village can’t you ) and took a card and some sweets for them. Then a card for the paper shop and a chance to buy fresh bread and ciggies. I was very disappointed to see they had none of my fresh barm cakes in so I ended up with rolls. I came home and tidied up before MuJo visit and get their drinks ready. They turned up a little later than usual at  just gone 11.00 and after drinks and  half hour natter we headed for lunch. Despite me having chips last night I was made to martyr myself by having them again. As a few of my favourites were not on the menu today I was also forced into eating sausage again too. We were served by a youngster I haven’t seen before who needed  little training as the meals came without mushy peas and bread and butter ( criminal offences both) and didn’t offer the pensioner discount. I’m sure he’ll learn. Muriel go the bill and wouldn’t hand it over. She says she’s very tired today after a busy weekend so forgoes and expeditions and heads for home. After another half hour in which she answered the door to a parcel delivery and then found herself wrapping the parcel, they left. I’m sure it was nothing to do with the size of the box she had to wrap really. I brought my mail up to date and decided to go through to watch the afternoon feelgood Christmas film. Fortunately for me I saw more Zzzzz’s than film as the little I saw was suffering from a sugar overdose.                                                                 I had my tea which after the chips at lunchtime was of necessity small but did manage the four dark chocolate finger biscuits afterwards. I got out two mugs and  a glass ready for the Wednesday ‘playschool’ just as Dil and Matthew arrived. One tea, one coffee made and we settled to a game of scrabble. Half way through Lee arrived and I got his glass of water. It’s a shame that his arrival didn’t distract anyone enough to let me amend the scores a bit.Anyway, Dil won as I has to subtract ten points from my score for the Q I picked up towards the end after they’d made sure there were no ‘U’s in the open. We started again with Lee taking part and this time I held my own. ( What have I told you lot at the back about making up your own jokes- stop it). A quick break while I brewed up  again and out came the cards. There was no pretence on Matthew’s side this week but Lee said he remembered playing as a kid ( he’s only 30) and might need some reminders. Not so, he’s just as bad as the rest of us and won the game. We did start playing another one but it was getting late and it had to be brought to a halt. ( Typical, just ‘cos I was winning). As they refused to come and play next Wednesday for some reason, Dil suggested they come on the Friday afternoon and make a real go of it so if no mail gets answered that day you know why in advance.  We exchanged gifts for under the tree, hugged and said goodbye. Time for a quick catch up and then a read in bed till half past midnight.

Thursday. 6.01 am this morning, and I double checked the clock first. Eased gently into the day with not too much post (39) only one of which wanted a partnership in exchange for half a 26 million dollar bank account left behind when the owner died tragically without family. I decided against it as what’s half to me? I mean, it wouldn’t even keep me in aftershave would it. Just before 8.00 am I told the picture of Ju with Bernie on her shoulder that I was off to feed the fish, take my meds and as usual on  a Thursday sort my meds out for the week. That took quite a while and it was 9.00 am before I was back ready to get dressed. It was time to go out to post a letter and get my lottery tickets. It seems I was just minutes behind a lady who won £20,000 on the lottery raffle last night. I imagine she’s going to have a great Christmas this year. Good for her !                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                I’ve dealt with the queries from the bank about Ju’s death, now I have queries to make about transferring a gift from Ancestry.com to Ancestry.co.uk of another year long membership. It’s a wonderful, unexpected present I just received notification of . Lunchtime looms and so I take my pre-lunch tab, set the microwave to go and sit down with the end of another Murder She Wrote. Sometimes I wonder how Jessica Fletcher has any friends, half get murdered and the other half she denounces as the murderers. As the micro bings that episode comes to an end and there’s just time to prepare my tray before another one starts. I haven’t seen this one before and sit eating my lunch to her finding that an accident wasn’t and that the killer is someone we don’t expect. But as it’s in Cabot Cove she knows them all. Actually on this one I know it was murder but it should have been more obvious as the motor cyclist ran into a cable and to my mind he’d have been jerked off his bike and found in the road rather than down a small ravine with his bike. People always say I have a detective mind, or is it defective I can’t remember?                                                                                            After lunch I come through to keep abreast of the mail. There are loads of messages telling me I can still order things with delivery guaranteed for Christmas but I’m smug in the knowledge that apart from food on Saturday and fresh bread on Tuesday I’ve finished shopping. Yeah, you never thought you’d see me write that did you. But remember the sales start on Boxing Day so maybe I’ll start shopping for next year then. Maybe I can hide new purchases in my now almost empty  loft and find them again in a few years time. I’ve finished the mail and stand up, stretch and head towards the afternoon film when there’s a knock at the door. I know who it is and I’m prepared with a box of chocolates for the nice lady who delivers my medicines. With thanks and wishes of a Happy Christmas on both sides I close the door and go through to turn the TV on. I know what’s going to happen straight away and withing a few minutes it does, Zzzzzzzzzzzzz. I’m away in my own little world until almost 5.00 pm when I’m automatically going to wake for The Mentalist. I make some tea and sit down to watch it but find I’ve seen it recently so I put a quiz on instead. I have the U.S. version of Law and Order before heading off to see to mail and starting the day’s blog. I’m expecting Mike to text to say he’s on his way, but not holding my breath as I’m still waiting for the one that says he got back safely on Sunday. At 10.00 pm I go through to see the latest Person of Interest which is a great little story this week about a Cuban taxi driver wanting to bring his family to the U.S. but getting involved with the Mafiya from one of the Eastern European Countries. Time for one last blast at mail, one last update and now for a read. I’m struggling with this book and may not finish it before Christmas when it gets abandoned in favour of the new Terry Pratchett.

Friday. 4.43 am and I’m awake. If I catch which one of you is at the back sniggering there’s a shoe- no, a boot- coming in that direction. I’ve been having the strangest dream. A small group of friends ( of whom I’m one) is on an adventure when it seems we’re betrayed and I get arrested. I remember being offered a drink and being aware there may be drugs in it. A woman, part of the group arrives and has smuggled drink in to wash out the drugs and to keep  me hydrated, only I know how/where she smuggled the drink and I’m delighted to say that all of a sudden it wasn’t me who was arrested anymore and had to drink it. That was one lucky Get out of Jail Free card I drew. For some strange reason it made me think of the great bravery of women now I’m awake. Edith Cavell comes to mind.  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Edith_Cavell  http://listverse.com/2013/09/05/10-women-spies-who-brought-down-the-third-reich/                                              http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Violette_Szabo                     It never pays to underestimate a woman as I’ve found to my cost many a time. Yvonne has taken over from Julia in getting me to say something, making me think it’s my own idea until later I realise it’s probably the exact opposite of what I wanted to say. Anyway, I’ve managed to  get the mail up to date including a message that saddened me no end from a fellow blogger whose daughter is missing in France. It would be wonderful to think maybe they could be reunited for Christmas.                                                I’ve taken a walk to the Post Office this morning to send a letter to my cousin in California. We’ve had an exchange of Christmas cards for a few years with letters always promised. She moved a few years ago and I’ve worried about her ever since as there’s never any proper news forthcoming. It could just be that she thinks I’m a nosy beggar of course. A card from her arrived in the post addressed to myself and Ju so I thought it was a good opportunity to catch her up from here. I also went out to the paper shop for milk and fully had the intention to but a ham salad bap for lunch ( honest I did). Coming out of the paper shop with the milk and I headed home totally oblivious to the mission I’d gone on so I had to force myself to eat a cottage pie. This was much nicer than the last. Michael sent his usual ‘On way’ message  and arrived to terrorise me in the early afternoon. I made the mistake of not hiding the TV remote which means I’ll be stuck with his choice of programmes till he goes home again.  After I’d  made drinks we nattered a bit before I nodded off. I’m not sure he noticed as he was still talking when I woke up.                                                                                                  I made a meal about 6.00pm and when he’d begged enough even shared it. I got to see my Law and Order that way. And he washed my hair again. When he goes to Canada for a month next Easter I’ll have to go along just to keep my hair clean. At 10.00 pm I called it a night and came through to plough my way through 76 messages and posts while Michael went to bed to watch TV. It’s just gone off so maybe he won’t be so hard to wake in the morning for shopping. I’m going to need help from the God of shoppers this week as I’ve heard of people fighting over fruit and veg during the last few days. I hereby promise I won’t be caught fighting over the sprouts.

Saturday. 4.07 am and I even saw the clock face clearly. It took me all my time ( sorry) not to throw a pillow at it. I wonder if a luminous clock isn’t a bad idea and I should wake up and either lie there till it’s light or nod off again if possible. But it’s still 4.0’bloody 7 and I’m still awake so I might as well get up. There was plenty of mail to keep me occupied. One or two posts have been very sad with people obviously having problems either despite or maybe because of the time of the year. I do sympathise honestly. They say that misery loves company but that’s not actually true. Misery doesn’t like the company of misery so I left Mike in bed. He’s not what you’d call a morning person. Even lunch time is a bit touch and go…. His alarm went off at 7.00am but he just turned over. I went through to the kitchen and made a coffee for him. Placing it gently on his bedside table I spoke softly, ” Coffee’s up Bro.” I know the second word he spoke was “OFF”. but I didn’t quite catch the first one. I retreated to the bathroom for a was and then got dressed. As I came out of my room Mike had emerged from his, the usual caveman persona in place, just throwing out the odd grunt. I decided to do the bins. Food waste first I emptied the bin, put a new bag in and took the waste to the bin outside placing it where the dustbin men could get at it but out of the way of the Siberian wind trying to whistle it’s way round my Khyber Pass. Large wheelie waste bin next and that could withstand a bi of a blow so when I brought out the recycling bags I placed them under the bin for safety. I turned to re-enter the house then turned 180 degrees to catch my wheelie bin rolling away. Damn wind, I shouldn’t have had those beans yesterday. Still I digress, I caught the bin and turned it sideways on so the wind couldn’t roll it away. I got fully inside this time and washed my hands. Now approaching 8.00am Mike looked  sounded a little more human and was ready to take me out.                                                                             It was obvious the Supermarket was much more crowded than usual when we got there as we almost had to park on a mini in the car park. But inside there seemed to be plenty of stuff. The stupid thing was the dates. Many of the things on my list were for Christmas day or later yet so many hing had a best by date of 22nd. Still, eventually I got most things and the rest I’ll try for on Tuesday if Mike is here. This year I didn’t have the heart to buy individual gifts for Temptations but Mike and I headed there for a coffee and took a large tin of sweets and a smaller box of Champagne truffles for everyone. Mike traded insults with Ceri as usual and as usual she laughed all the time. She’s a breath of fresh air sometimes. Then home to unpack, if any of you remember the story of my fridge you’ll know how I miss the old one since this one is choc a block full with not an inch of space to spare. Using a shoe horn everything was finally packed away. Time for a quick coffee and a look at my mail before we head off again. There was an early batch of one liner messages from someone to brighten my day. No further response from Ancestry.co.uk so closing down I wash the coffee cups and get my coat on. We lunch at the Dragon’s Rest( no Mother in Law jokes here you notice) and though there was a tempting roast beef dinner on the menu ( the waitress brought a cloth and wiped it off) I settled on bacon, egg, chips……and beans. Mike had a breakfast but kept his eye on his black pudding so I didn’t stand a chance. We drove to Colwyn Bay where he dropped me to meet my ex brother-in-law while he carried on to Rhos on Sea to meet out friend who’d been ill that morning and couldn’t come out. I met John T by the precinct and took him for coffee at Costa where I was able to hand over his Christmas gift and one for his birthday on Boxing Day. I always feel sorry for those who get only one gift if their birthday falls close to Christmas. John was surprised I’d brought him any but Ju loved him very much and I knew she wouldn’t want him forgotten. He asked if I’d like a walk round the hops as though I can’t do without them. Naturally I thought about it for approximately a millisecond and said yes please. At this point I offer a word of advice, take a seat ! Apart from two refill packs of tissues for mike I bought nothing ! Aw come on, I’ll get a signed affidavit if you want. Nothing at all !! After a couple of hours Mike picked me up and we headed back home where I made some tea, watched him steal my mince pies then fill his face will chocolates and look longingly at mine. We watched A Christmas Carol with Patrick Stewart in the lead and though Alistair Sim is still the best in my opinion it still did raise a lump in my throat. Shh, don’t tell Mike though.                                                                                                                                                                                               I came through to see to the rest of my post. Still some really sad ones,  and then to prepare to make you suffer as usual. Blog Time !

I wish you all a Wonderful Christmas and a Fantastic New Year. Hugs Galore as usual.

Weird spam or Still a Babe Magnet

Sunday. It’s 5 am and I know I slept but it can’t have been for long as I read until 1 am before I turned the light out. I’m not sure if Michael talking in his sleep disturbed me but he has a tendency to ask questions and yet he always denies it. One day I’m going to tape him as proof but as the tape machine is in his bedroom and I’m too lazy to go get it, I just stay where I am and answer him as best I can. I’m actually feeling quite chipper since turning the computer on as there have been quite a few responses to last night’s blog and some of them are even sensible-Well Done you lot. But the real reason for my chipperness are three totally unrelated emails which prove I’m still a hot property. I’ve still got that certain ‘je ne sais quoi’, I’m on fire man!  I mean, just look at the quality of this sample and this is just one of them lusting after me. Huh, I’ve still got it haven’t I? The thing is, I hope it’s not catching whatever it is because I have the idea if I really get down and dirty and respond, I’ll probably find it’s really a 25 st lorry driver with nothing better to do.I think maybe I’ll just forward it on to Michael.                                                                                                                                                                                                               You see, I spotted you online and could not help texting you. I’d like to get closer to you.Have a look at my profile with new crazy vids and let me know how you find me!Drop me a line http://mqatklg.cupidonlinespot.in/?eotfttl                                                                                                                                                                                                                    Speaking of whom, it was 9.45 before he showed any signs of life. Or to rephrase that, he was halfway down the first coffee at 10 am before he started to look human.As usual he denies talking in his sleep and tells me my snoring kept him awake. As if ! He asks what I’d like to do this morning as if there’s much morning left ! I’m a bit off colour and tell him I don’t mind and no decision is made as we go to our respective rooms to get dressed. In the end we drive out to one of those places full of discount shops selling last year’s stock at twice the price you’d pay for anything you wanted this year.It’s been a long time since either of us has been there and boy has it changed. It’s so big now, and building still going on, to have it’s own roads leading off to towns now. There’s a huge Christmas tree that people can go inside to have photographs taken and there are lots of little Christmas shops setup around the edges of the car parks. Being the big spender I am I purchase a book for £1.99 before we go to lunch. Half an hour is spent deciding where until we settle on a Harry Ramsden’s, probably the biggest name in Fish and Chips in the UK. Just about passable today so I think the Christmas crowds are getting to them. After eating we head back to the car and head home where Michael pops his bags in the car and heads off to his father’s and I find myself nodding off over the computer. I spend the rest of the afternoon on emails then go through to watch an episode of Morse followed by one of Lewis. Hard to believe I’m still such a Babe Magnet eh ?

Monday. Apart from the obvious joys of reading my mail ( no naughty ones today), and reading the blogs of my friends ( yes, I mean you) today has been pretty boring. I made one ten minute foray into the cold and damp to get some bread and that’s it. I’ve been able to watch the TV programmes I enjoy and since there’s no-one here to stop me I had a chip buttie at lunchtime, oh what a renegade eh? Bed at 11.30 pm where I managed to finish the Conn Iggulden book my Sister in Law loaned me. I’m lucky that she has a taste for historical novels and a good selection to hand. Light off about 1. am

Tuesday. Light on again about 4.10 am Not that I was happy about it but I was wide awake again. Still, it gave me chance to get up to date with my mail before going out and tweeting an interview I did yesterday. This wasn’t an interview that made me happy as most do since for the first time ever I was interviewing the character from a book and to put it mildly he’s a nasty piece of work. Also, not being a character of mine where I know enough to select questions, this time I had nothing to go on and I didn’t fancy getting on his wrong side. Judging by the lack of comments I think a few of you must have felt the same way.                                                                                                      At 7.50 am I was washed, dressed and had partaken of my first coffee. I nipped for a final wee before going to the bus stop. As I depressed the plunger on the soap dispenser ( all the mod cons here you know) the bloody soap shot out at the speed of light in a straight line and landed on the crotch area of my trousers. I couldn’t walk round with a green blob so it was time to strip off and find another pair to wear. It’s been years since I moved so fast. Probably the last time I ran out of cigarettes and texted Ju to bring me a new packet on her way home from riding. I saw her coming and was at the front door before she was. Anyway, new trousers on I had to dash as the bus was due at ten past the hour. Ploughing my way through the horde of waiting schoolchildren I made it. I had to sit at the back today, leaning slightly forward because of the backpack I was wearing I donned the headphones to my MP3 player and prepared to try and ignore the world. My nutter magnet must have been on and lo and behold on the seat opposite me appeared a young man who sat cross-legged and tried to engage me in conversation. I plead ignorance as I pretended to close my eyes and sway with the music like a demented cobra. It didn’t work as proved by the tap on my knee. I tried to look surprised and removed the headphones only for him to tell me I had egg on my chin. I started to rub until the light bulb finally clicked and I realised two things. 1. I haven’t eaten an egg, and 2 It’s a euphemism for My flies are undone. Not wishing to be seen to be fiddling with that area of my anatomy with someone facing me, I thanked him and proceeded to pull my coat a little lower until there was no audience. I suppose I was safe really in the knowledge that dead birds don’t fall out of the nest but why take chances. Three or four stops later I was able to adjust myself before upsetting the good women of Chester and finding myself in the stocks.                                                                                                                                                                                Yvonne and I had a great day shopping with Reuben. Not that you could see him of course since he was hidden by parcels most of the time. There were many compliments throughout the day about the pram but I wonder if people just thought it was a de-luxe shopping trolley. When we stopped for lunch or coffee and uncovered him, Reuben’s fan club gathered round as usual. We went back to Yvonne’s where Ugo would pick me up after work to run me home. It was quite dark but I still had to make a dash for the car as I’m sure they’ve never repealed the law against Welshmen being in Chester after nightfall. At home I worked from 7.00 pm until 8.55 pm on mail (122) from during the day before watching the exciting new episode ( No 5) of The Mentalist, and then back to it. For some reason Google isn’t opening all my WordPress mail again. Bed around midnight. Judging by my waistline, I just missed the full transformation to pumpkin.

Wednesday. The Emails this morning were in the main predictable. Two different psychics know my future yet it doesn’t appear to be the same one. One of them could help me with the winning lottery numbers which begs the question why doesn’t she use them so she can stop asking people like me for money we haven’t got? I keep offering to pay after the win has been confirmed, or at least send a postcard from some Island paradise. A message that did catch my eye though was from a friend asking whether I’d received a letter from Google about being book partners. Short answer No, and I don’t know what it’s about. Now many of you may be au fait with this but for those that aren’t, you can add your books to a Google database and they will advertise them free of charge Worldwide with links to your site if the books can be bought there. I thought this sounded interesting and went to place my first book on there with it’s picture of the cover. From that point on I began to feel like a five year old just starting school. I’m not thick ( shut up you at the back) but I just could not get my head round things like sharing sections of the book and getting other books on. It just defeated me completely. If you want the dictionary definition of technophobe- it’s ME !                                                                                                                                                                          Just gone 9.00am I went to the Post Office to send my abroad Christmas cards. It might seem early but I son’t trust the Postal Service very much. Anyway, it was meant to be a quick trip in case I was due any mail but once there I found myself the only person in the queue. The Postmistress who is also a local Councillor ( and a good one) has just got back from holiday and naturally I asked how it had gone. She had a fantastic time but told me how desperately poor Cuba and it’s people are. I also got to see pictures of the cars there which are amazing 1950’s models cherished, cleaned and repaired within an inch of their life. I know it wouldn’t do the manufacturers much good but I couldn’t help but think how nice it would be if we held onto and looked after our things as well as they do.                                                                                                                Dilwyn and Matthew came for games night (snigger). We had two games of Scrabble and I won both this week. Then Dil and I taught Matthew how to play a card game we’ve played since Adam was a lad. Most people will know it but perhaps not under the name we use which is Crazy 8’S or Friendly Enemies. Yes, I won that one too so my humiliation of two weeks ago is hereby forgotten ( or else). Maybe next week we’ll teach him Chase The Lady or Deadly Enemies which many of you will know as Hearts on the computer. If so, the insults will fly thick and fast.

Thursday. Post done and a trip to the paper shop for my lottery ticket ( I’m assured it’s the winning one but please carry on buying them to increase my prize. I’ll buy teas all round). At just after ten Mujo arrived and I saw to drinks as we chatted about our week since I last saw them. I learned I have a niece who’s a stalker and follows them round shops tapping them on the shoulder. She tells them she knows just how to make me behave at Christmas. I know too, she just has to tell me and I’m scared enough to do it. Just like Yvonne she has me running scared even though I love them both expensively  dearly. At 11.45 we head out as I have a retinopathy appointment at 12.05. I told them to drop me off and go for lunch but they wouldn’t hear of it. Forty minutes later I’ll bet they regretted that though John did tell me he’d eaten a pasty so he could take his pre- lunch tablets. We went to the Chippie ( my third chip meal of the week so far) where he still ate a full lunch and half Muriel’s chips. Somehow when he gets his Christmas present I have doubts about it fitting now.                                                                                                                                                                                                             After lunch we decided to go to Abakhan, a fabric mill with craft areas which opened a new cafe and gift shop today. They’ d received a 20% off voucher for anything they bought today. When we got there, everything was 20% off anyway. The new gift shop had been opened in the same building as the cafe. The goods were really nice but I was disappointed that it was same stock- different place and the prices were still very high. We bought nothing which for me must be a first. The cafe building is very nice and has some nice seating areas. I have no idea what the food is like but it would be fair to say I hope it better than it was in the old building. MuJo had cold drinks but being thirsty I asked for tea. There were some very tiny pots which Mu said must be small water jugs, but no they were teapots to fill thimbles. We had to look for teabags and then get hot water from a machine. To be absolutely fair, it was the nicest cuppa I’ve had in ages and to top it off a member of staff brought round mince pies to apologise for anyone having had to wait in the queue. Lovely gesture. After tea we had a quick look in the fabric section and the craft section I spent so many hours in with Ju. We headed home where I entered a competition for John on the computer before they went to visit his mother. I’d left myself little notes everywhere today so I remembered to watch my new episode of The Big Bang Theory before coming through to catch up on the last of my messages. Now it’s time for bed and another taste of Pratchett with Snuff. I’m enjoying the re-reads.

Friday. I awoke this morning to lost of post about Black Friday. Far from the disaster it sounds there were actually plenty of interesting and tempting deals. Of course you all know me so you can be sure my wallet didn’t get opened, my card did not get posted anywhere and I sat here perfectly calm, without twitching once, safe in the knowledge I don’t like shopping- as if !! I took a walk to the Post Office to buy my Christmas stamps, yes, I know I should have done it yesterday but I forgot, it’s an age thing. For lunch I had a cottage pie and I’m not sure the cottage had been demolished properly in parts, there’s every chance I was chewing on the chimney at one point I’m really going to have to learn the difference between minutes and seconds on the microwave.                                                                                                                                                          A few more messages dealt with in the afternoon, the women have stopped being coy now and are threatening to visit, I’m having maps mimeographed as soon as possible. I settled in front of the TV for a snooze when Mike and Rose arrived. No chance now, the peace is broken and Mike’s no better. I asked him id he’d driven legally and he replied that any answer might incriminate him .We watched an episode of The Mentalist and relaxed. Teatime came and Rose decided on some rice pudding while Mike and I, diet conscious as ever settle on bacon rolls. Mike washed my hair and I had a shower and changed into my dressing gown. The evening passed in gentle insults until it was suddenly 11.00pm and time for my last assault on any messages. I wished them both good night and came through.                                                                                       I’d not been here but a few minutes when I realised something wasn’t right. I didn’t feel at all well. Mike popped in and suggested I felt cold when I actually felt hot, no, change that to cold. He went back to his TV. Within moments the race was on and I just made it to the loo in time for a technicolour yawn , and, more, and more, and yet more. I was not on top form kneeling down and waiting for the floor to steady. Mike came in behind me and soothed my fevered brow, by which I mean he ran a flannel under the cold tap and slapped it dripping on my neck. Moments later the miracle cure I was back on my feet. Granted it was because I was trying to clout him with the back brush but at least it was from the right angle now. I did feel better and ‘My elder’ packed me off to bed while he cleaned up behind me. Ah, I’m sure few are the people who would do that for me. Thanks Brother of another Mother. Throughout my ordeal Rose had slept oblivious to the battlefield horrors around her.

Saturday. I was up at 5.00am ready to do battle with the remnants of last night’s mail and anything from early this morning. There was apparently no rush as Mike decided to totally ignore his 7.00 am alarm. I would have offered some assistance had Rose not been sleeping peacefully next to him. I didn’t want her to get wet too. By 7.30 they’d both risen and while they had their drinks I put the bins out. By 8.15 Mike and I were on our way. I’d heard one Supermarket was doing selection boxes at BOGTF ( Buy One Get Two Free) and as I needed selection boxes for Christmas, that’s where we headed. I paid for two and left with six which was a great bargain.We finished the Supermarket and I decided against breakfast so we headed for home to collect Rose. Mike wondered if there was anywhere we hadn’t been for a while and I suggested a little place in Cheshire. I know it’s over the border but thought I’d take a chance, maybe the reward posters had gone now. As it happened he’d never heard of it before and Rose hasn’t visited this part of the country previously anyway. It’s really not very far and we were there in less than an hour. The place is called Blakemere for anyone interested ( near Northwich). I don’t suggest my American friends should visit as you’d never make it in a day. It’s like a wonderful little village just where you wouldn’t expect it. Antique shops, various craft shops, a specialist ice cream shop, sweet shop, gift shop, wedding products, housewares and a Falconry Centre too. We had a whale of a time going round the wonderful shops as well as having lunch in one cafe and afternoon tea in another. We came away quite weary and it was getting quite dark. They made me leave even though I hadn’t seem Santa.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  At home there were exactly 100 messages to deal with which I managed in record time. My neighbour brought a parcel he’d taken in for me which are some great slippers I was expecting. We had a light tea and settled to watch Foyle’s War for 2 hours before it was time to come through and start the blog. It’s now five to midnight and I’m ready to call it a day. I can’t as it’s a night really ………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

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I wish you all a happy end to Movember and a brilliant start to December. Hugs all round.xxxxxx

You need Hands

Sunday. After the flooding of yesterday I knew I could get into no further trouble today if I sat quietly all morning and did e.mails and designed a few Christmas cards. The mails were mainly from you  lovely people who’d commented on the blog and in some cases left me with a large smile. There were however two other messages that piqued my interest, one to tell me I’ve won a book in a rafflecopter draw and asking me what format I’d prefer it in ( what’s a rafflecopter?) and the other one from a Nigerian business man who’s found a way to bilk the British Government in some complicated scheme to have me send them some goods and claim an allowance before they send them back and get a refund from the person we bought them off. I may have got this wrong because in all honesty the Zzzz’s were drifting in front of my face before I’d finished reading. What’s the equivalent of the chalk marks tramps and gypsies used to use to mark the pavement outside a gullible nice person’s house. I swear someone has marked my computer only it’s more like the way a dog marks it’s territory.                                                                                                                                                                                                          Yvonne, Ugo and Reuben were picking me up for lunch about eleven thirty. The morning’s rain had stopped and so I put my shoes on ready to step outside and watch for them. I don’t use the crutches just to stand by the door so I opened up, went to clasp my hands behind my back and wallop I hit something. I half turned and saw a T-light candle holder in the shape of a pair of hands sail past my side. The relief was palpable as they landed on the carpet and my sigh was accompanied by an inaudible chuckle as they bounced, hovered on the lip of the step and dropped to smash into more pieces than I had glue for. I don’t understand why the Gods hate me, I sacrificed an apple to them only ten years or so ago. I swept up dejectededly as I really loved those hands. Such character they had. The car drew up outside so I grabbed my jacket and sticks, locked up and went to lunch. Yvonne reminded me I’d suggested lunch and a visit to the Tweed Mill to see their Christmas shop.There’s no way we’d eat lunch there as it’s very overpriced for a simple cafeteria area. We ate at the Dragon’s Rest ( sorry Mike, I know it used to be ‘Our’ place) where Reuben came to life and watched every mouthful I ate giving me a terrible conscience, probably as intended. The food was great and as soon as we finished it was time to move on. The Tweed Mill was crowded. Yvonne walked round cursing me for taking her there, (like I even drive), while Ugo and Reuben walked round looking bored. After the Christmas shop Yvonne and I left Ugo to have a cuppa and a cake while she and I walked round the gift section. Being good the only thing I bought was a picture frame for them about being married to your best friend. We caught up with the boys and headed home where I gave them the clothes I’d bought yesterday, some owl wall stickers and the books that had come for Yvonne. I gave them chance to read while I held Reuben up to the mirror to be fascinated by himself. They left about 4.pm and I dealt with mail till it was time to eat then I settled down to watch the last half of one of the feelgood movies that are on around now. Back to emails because tonight I’m staying up late by watching a film that doesn’t start till 9.pm.’ The Book of Eli.’ After that it’s an hours read and then hopefully some sleep. Bet you all wish your life was this exciting.

Monday. Monday morning brings a curtain of rain first thing. I looked out of the window to see if it was snow and the predicted Arctic from had arrived, but no it was rain and everything was still pitch black. I dealt with emails fairly quickly because there were no marriage arrangements to ponder but I did check my bank account and don’t understand why the millions haven’t arrived yet. Mind you, my account was still intact too but that could have been my accidental slip in providing a completely bogus name and account number and directing them to the fraud office of the bank. I had half an hour on ebay looking at gadgets and was very impressed ( I’m a child) with the finger lights that look fantastic when you wave your hands around in the dark. The light seems to follow behind so it looks like you’re writing.                                           At about 9.0am I tried dodging raindrops as I dashed ( har de har) to the corner shop for bread. I was soaked six feet from my front door. It’s just as well I’m shrink proof. It was odd while I was  there and noticed a bottle of Lucozade.-for those who don’t know what it is, count yourselves lucky. A friend(?) and I had also discussed this in emails and I was reminded that as a small child of about 5 years, I won 6 small bottles of this drink for singing Nellie the Elephant on the pier at Hastings. I think the prize was one bottle and the other five bribery to make me stop singing the chorus. I always wonder if the people have ever returned to Hastings since then. Another memory that slips into replace that is of the ‘penny machines’ where you’d flip a lever and propel a steel ball towards a set of metal chutes above. If it went inthe right hole you could win a cigarette, Woodbines or Players I think. How times change. On similar machines ( for those in the UK- anyone else STOP READING) you could also win a packet of Spangles. If you’re about my age you may remember them. The Old English with a peculiar brown one that tasted of cough medicine, or the fantastic Acid Drop ones that I still yearn for today. Where was I? Oh yes, Hastings Pier. Believe it or not but I had a fine singing voice when young, it’s the Welsh blood. I was selected to sing in the choir at St.George’s Church in Stockport when I was about eleven but we moved away soon after and I’m assured there was no connection. I remember having a tape a  friend and I made when I was in my early twenties where we sang Beatle’s songs to backing music. I’m quite sure Yvonne never believed it was me.                                   More Christmas parcels arrived during the day and I’m getting quite smug now.                                                                                                                                                                                            Doing emails this evening I came across one that had a music video of Men Without Hats- Safety Dance. That set me on a music of the 80’s evening while I finished my comments. So, just to copy the idea,I leave you with one of my favourites ( of Oh so many) of that era. Enjoy !                                                                                                                             http://youtu.be/OvMoRVrqx_I

Tuesday. I’m not sure if it was even worth going to bed last night as I was awake at 3.50 am. I’d woken up gasping for breath as in the dream I’d last had I’d just finished making a strange kind of surf n’ turf meal with a moules marinieres sauce which I’d then tasted knowing how allergic I am to seafood. I’d hate to have my dreams translated as I also remember last night a sequence where for some strange reason I found myself designing and making a ladies nightie with a matching housecoat. It was in some kind of black lace and quite sheer. If anyone in Prudes United ever hears about it, I’ll be drummed out. The rain was lashing down outside doing a continuous drum roll on the roof. This is on of those times to regret being in a bungalow as you don’t have an upper storey to shield you from the noise. Obviously it was pitch black outside still so abandoning custom I made an early coffee and settled with my mail. No proposals, no cons today ( at least so far) though all the world want to sell me insurance and an inordinate number of businesses are now following me on Pinterest.                                                                                                                                                           COMMERCIAL BREAK- For any of you authors interested in getting your books on any of my Pinterest boards, check here   http://www.pinterest.com/lorddavid/   and let me know what board you want. If a particular Nationality like New Zealand writers for example isn’t there for you it can always be created.                                                           The rain has ceased by the time it was getting light at 7.30 so Yvonne and I agreed to meet at  Broughton Park for a day’s shopping. ( She’s a terrible influence on me). We met by Tesco’s at 9.30 and headed straight for the escalator  up to the cafe. I parked Reuben by my table while Yvonne went to the counter to order. He was happily asleep. Yvonne told me he’d had a nine hour night and instead of getting some rest she’d stayed awake worrying  about him not screaming at feed time.I hope as Reuben starts to get into a sleeping habit, she will too. Coffee over we mooched round the clothes section but amazingly bought nothing.Then back down the escalator ( no, not the same one) to the Christmas gift , decorations and food sections where we – by which I mean I- was well controlled again.  Outside into the very nippy air I managed a cigarette before looking round British Home Stores  admiring all their house wares and their unusual Christmas gift section. They had some lovely hampers.With the lack of movement of the pram- though not a lack of movement from him, phewee, Reuben started to wake. We started a brink walk towards lunch an baby changing facilities. I hoped a burst of speed might confuse people as to where the smell was coming from but really I was more concerned they didn’t think it was me. Costa provided the light lunch and a drink we needed and the information centre where they’re based gave Yvonne the chance to change Reuben though the swap she got still looked suspiciously like him.  You can see what you think if I decide to post any pictures this week for his fan club, my exes.                                                                                                                                         Before leaving today I’d put on my patented super slimmer vest  with the reinforced, armadillo-like plating.There had been a fair amount of screaming and swearing, some of it from me. As I was walking round the shops I noticed it wasn’t doing a very good job of holding my stomach in. What  it did do however was reduce the small band of fat just above my hips. This was a problem as that was all that was between me and a degree of embarrassment if my trousers fell down. Keeping a steady walk with the crutches and attempting to raise the waistline of my trousers was an art form in dexterity I don’t want again.                                                                                                               I shan’t bore you with details of other shops we went round and a period where Reuben decided he wanted to be carried and then put in the baby sling but needless to say a few bags somehow got filled.  By the time it came to depart I had a full backpack as well as two large carrier bags trying to hinder my walking.  The Christmas shopping may be going well but it’s certainly no doddle. I was home in time to catch an old episode of the Mentalist and have a meal, snake and pygmy with mashed potatoes followed by some tinned pineapple- out of the tin for the sake of my teeth- an then into battle with the day’s messages. There were 139 but crying didn’t help so I got stuck in leaving just 6 when 8.55 pm arrived and a new episode of the current Mentalist. I relaxed and enjoyed myself with a bar of extremely nice totally diabetic friendly Cadbury’s chocolate. 10.00 pm and it was back into battle. The 6 were now 42 which kept me up till 11.30 when it’s time to relax with my book for a while. The very excellent Conn Iggulden’s Wars of the Roses. Goodnight all.

Pongy Nappy

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Wednesday. Early morning, rain, rain and more rain. Someone loves me again and wants me to look after her inheritance since her parents died in an horrific plane crash ( easily verifiable she tells me) and they always wanted her to  marry well. She just needs to get the money out of the clutches of her wicked guardian and she’s going to need a lawyer and my bank a/c details. …….. At 9.00 am the rain stopped and I went to the post office to send a phone flip case to my niece. I think the postmaster kept his finger on the scale when he told me the postage would be more than the case cost and they’d included postage in that. I lightened my wallet considerably, wiping the tears from my eyes as I did so then I headed back home. The first message I opened on my return was from a crook. I hope my bank manager isn’t like this…………………

Assalamu alaikum,

My name is Mr. Hamzaki Mourad, I am a staff working with the Bank Of Africa here 
in Ouagadougou,Burkina Faso. I want you to help me in receiving the sum of 
Twenty Secen Million Two Hundred thousand Dollars ($27,200,000) into your Bank 
Account. This fund was deposited in the bank here by a foreign customer who died 
accidentally alongside with his entire family members many years ago. Nobody had 
asked for this fund till now.

If you are interested, you have to provide an account where the fund will be 
remitted because i am highly interested to secure this money from the Bank. 
Please you can contact me immediately to start the transfer process. Further 
details about the fund and this transaction will be given to you upon the 
receipt of your response.

Please understand that we have to hurry-up our actions because the bank 
authority here has plans to redeposit this fund into the treasury of the Central 
Government as unclaimed fund if nobody applies for this fund after the next bank 
audit which will begin here soon. I await your urgent reply.

send me the information’s
Your full names.........................
Address,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Age,,,,,,,,,,,,,
profession,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Your photo................

Mr. Hamzaki Mourad
Bank Of Africa
Ouagadougou - Burkina Faso

I’m not sure  how much twenty secen million is though. The day passed pretty much without incident except maybe at lunchtime when I had a Shepherd’s Pie ( I just hope he never catches me). I was so eager that when I bit into it I burnt my tongue and my lip. They naturallly swelled a little so when Dilwyn and Matthew arrived for their game early I had to regale them with my brave struggle against the mystery assailant before we could play a game. Naturally it’s the fault of my damaged lip that Dil started his Scrabble game with a seven letter word on a double word score and got something ridiculous like 156. I went next with a brave and challenging 12 followed by Matt who’s barely old enough to know any words who hammered me again with a 28 or something. All I’m going to say is I fought hard and lost. The second game Dil started with just 24 but even then my tongue only managed 12 and Matt a 24.  Matthew won. I called a break and made a drink. After that I pulled out the new but original game of Trivial Pursuit I’d bought on Ebay. My faulty reasoning was Matthew wouldn’t know the answers to questions set back in the 80’s and Dil would only be able to answer the ones he was interested in then. Within minutes my tongue and lip were aware I had a game on my hands and those two begg my brother and nephew had two portions of pie each. Even an afternoons’s swotting wasn’t helping ( joke). I took it up a gear and showed my age class by winning the game. Honours even.

Thursday. Horror of horrors. I opened my emails this morning and received an invitation to have a woman at my side as soon as I wanted. Young, nubile and ready to ‘swing’ into ‘action’, she didn’t offer marriage or millions of pounds. Does she think I’ll sell myself so cheaply on the alter of ‘Nookie’?( Probably). Someone recently offered to let me read The Perfumed Garden and I had to explain I’ve not graduated from the allotment yet. Anyway, after I’d sobbed my heart out at being thought such easy prey, I went out to the shop. The cash machine was empty and I was reduced to pulling the fluff out of my pockets to find enough cash to pay for my lottery ticket. I’d not been home a few minutes when MuJo arrived. I made coffees and opened my morning post that had nearly hit John on the back of his leg as it shot through the letterbox. I’ll have to tell the postwoman to ease up on those steroids. We chatted for a while or to be more accurate I listened for a while as John was very enthusiastic about some Christmas Cards I’d designed and printed for him. I can understand why his came out fine but when I tried to do mine the printer wouldn’t take the good card and on the card it would take, the ink soaked in. We went to town. I got cash from the bank machine then left  my watch at a market stall to get a new battery and headed off to lunch at Kassidy’s. Roast pork dinner today with crackling but I know Christmas is getting close as my plate was adulterated with sprouts. An abomination before me on my plate. Ugh! I made a formal complaint to the management and left hastily before he heard me. With all three of us claiming to be full to bursting we headed off to Flint. MuJo wanted to look at box freezers in case they get snowed in this year. They’ve already had their first snowfall so it’s entirely possible.We went in at least four shops that don’t sell freezers where I was able to get a few bits and bobs ( very useful things are bits and bobs) before we headed for a coffee. At least I had a coffee while those two had a chocolate indulgence which is like another meal with all the cream and marshmallows on top. John added a scone to his list. Finally we went to a shop that sells freezers via a catalogue ( Argos for my UK friends) and bought one for delivery next week. By the time we got back it was getting dark. I showed John how to adjust volume on computers and they left for home. I had twenty minutes mail before watching my Mentalist. Between 8.oo pm and 11.05 pm it’s been emails and this post. Time to read my book now I think.

OK, I’m just being needlessly cruel now.

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Friday. I don’t know why I woke so early this morning but I know I was never happier to see seven o’clock as by the time it arrived I was down to my last two cigarettes and they’d last me till about five past the way I was feeling today. I suppose you could call it On Edge. One email I received told me that a gift I’d ordered two weeks ago isn’t in stock despite showing as being in stock at the time of he order. Two emails later I’m informed new stock won’t be arriving until about December 12th. This is a main present and as such is very important and not easy to replace. I have no choice but to wait and see but I’m not happy at being let down at this stage.                                      The in appears my popularity has taken another nose dive as there are no marriage proposals today though I suppose it’s possible that Nigeria is currently empty of women all flying off to get married….yeah, right !  The postman called with a parcel I’ve been looking forward to, a pair of the most ludicrous slippers I’ve ever bought and believe me the competition has been tough. The joy I’ll get out of seeing the recipients face when their parcel is opened. Why, I’m even thinking of gift wrapping it to build the tension.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          Half past eleven I received a text from Mike, “On way” it said. Knowing he was over two hours away, probably over three if he drives within the speed limits, I was able to have a liesurely lunch and then for pudding eat all the loose chocolate biscuits he might otherwise pinch. I feel sick now. I must have nodded a little because I just heard the front door opening and it made me sit upright. I might as well pretend to be alert now I’m in this position.                                                                                                                                We had a good afternoon’s natter till I applied his gag so I could see The Mentalist. Then I made some sandwiches for tea after which the gannet ate my last two Christmas puddings with custard. He was kind enough to come through to wash my hair then I had a shower and made coffees.( Not in the shower, I made those in the kitchen). We talk a lot Mike and I, generally throwing insults at each other but friends don’t generally come much closer than we are. After 40 years we know each other inside out. It therefore pained me to tell him I could no longer have him coming at the weekends if he keeps telling me he only eats my chocolate because he doesn’t want the loose bars to get lonely. About 11.00pm I came through to finish my mail before bed. Shopping in the morning so I’ll need to be up early.

Saturday. Early rising as predicted. I hadn’t thought it would be as early as 4.40 am but it’s not like I have a choice. I turn the computer on and walk down the hall towards the loo. It’s not an easy journey as Mr ‘I don’t snore’ was breathing heavily with accompanying noises. Every time he breather out I was pushed back the way I’d come, when he breather in I was able to make some progress. Eventually I lowered myself to the carpet where I thought I’d off er the least resistance and made it before I wet myself. I just finished my mail at 7.10 when I almost had a heart attack after hearing Mike get up without an alarm and without me using a crowbar. I made us both a coffee and while he sat in his chair looking like a mini Buddha, stomach resting on his knees, I collected the rubbish to put out for collection. When he spoke I put him back down again. Despite having managed to drag himself from his pit we were still late going out at 8.00am.                                                                                                                                Shopping didn’t take too long as my list was short today. We drove to Flint where he could have a coffee and leer at Ceri in the cafe. Daniel told me his brothers, my friends Adam and Richard are singing the anthem at the Australia-Fiji match this afternoon. I’ll miss it unfortunately but I’m looking forward to the release of their Christmas album soon. After a lovely hug and a kiss from Ceri we took the shopping home and unpacked. By now it had gone mid-day so we set off for Colwyn Bay and lunch, a visit to a specific shop and also to meet our friend. Mike and I had actually finished eating before Brian arrived so we took the chance to look round a charity shop . They’re all so dear now and far from the old days of all donated things, there’s so much new stock in them now. Brian finished and joined us we all had a wander round a little of the local market and through the shopping precinct ( Mall) until Mike went to get a sim card from the car for Brian’s phone. That done we said our goodbyes and headed our separate ways. We stopped off t look at a Christmas shop in a garden centre on the way which was a chance of a drink and I enjoyed a milk shake for a real change. It was only after we got home I remembered we hadn’t been to the shop we’d traveled to Colwyn Bay for.                                                                                                   An attack on emails, some tea and then a relax with the TV alongside the usual insult sessions filled up most of the evening. Time to finish off here now so I have time for a read. But I must just remind you first that when sending your fan mail some of you think my name is Reuben.  That’s OK. I’ll accept it under any name now as I appreciate your efforts.

Huge Hugs and I wish you all A  Great Week

iPhone or maybe i don’t

Sunday. There’k at home and took his leave.s not point in pretending I’m technically minded. I don’t walk round with Nerd written on my head but spend hours trying to scrub the word Plonker off.  Yvonne has given me her old iphone 3 since she’s updated to the latest model that probably has better fathering skills than  I do too.  Dim  as a Toc H lamp I thought all I needed to do was transfer the sim from my old phone to the new one to forge ahead into the ‘I can get the internet anywhere’ brigade. Mike when he deigned to get up this afternoon morning ( he said I had to change it) pointed out the two phones weren’t even with the same Company let alone the tariff that allows internet. Accordingly he changed the sim card over and registered it with the internet and cloud (?) before phoning my supplier Virgin to see what the next move is. Seems Yvonne has to speak to Apple to get the phone unlocked. He spoke to her and she said she’d get in touch.

This messing about had us running a little late so we dashed off for lunch. We went to The Blossoms where we’ve been a few times recently. On walking in we both burst into laughter as the whole back wall of the dining-room has been decorated to resemble a library using exactly the same wallpaper I used on my doors. Looks like I’m a trend-setter at last. After lunch and his trough plate was empty, Mike dropped me back at home and said his goodbyes before heading off home. I had a go at getting onto Virgin to change my tariff only to find they were down for possibly 48 hours. Worst of it was I tried to put the old sim back in my old phone for now and it wouldn’t work. Looks like maybe something has happened to the sim card. Emails to everyone to explain texts won’t get answered. I miss you Mike.

Monday. David arrived today showing what a trouper he is. Nerves of steel, a sense of humour and a strong stomach are needed for Loft pt.1. Up he went and I resisted hiding the ladders till the job was complete. I sat in the hallway as stuff came tumbling down around me, I had been standing till the first Christmas tree hit me. I couldn’t even begin to list all the things that were found but before he left for the day David had a trailer full. That included 5 Christmas Trees and a lot of fairy lights and decorations which are going to Heart Radio to be given to those who are struggling to celebrate this year. There were a few books and quite a few items we’ll describe as collectibles, they were going to a Charity shop where I hope they’ll do some good. David also showed he has some of my genes by taking a few things for his own collections.

Tuesday. Today was shopping with Yvonne and Reuben. Thanks to a skill I’ve not forgotten, moral blackmail and pure pleading, Yvonne has agreed to help me think of items for people’s Christmas gifts this year. I’ve too few working brain cells left to chance wearing them out just yet.

Shopping with Yvonne is always a laugh for me as I can use all the old jokes she’s not heard and her sense of humour is as warped as mine anyway so when we see something ridiculous for someone she’s always on the same wavelength. I pray Reuben has the relationship with is Mum that she and I have so life is always fun for him. The cap and Cardigan are two items I couldn’t resist buying Reuben today. I even got a Santa’s Little Helper sleep suit ready for his first Christmas. Ugo took me home with Yvonne and Reuben when he got back from work and we enjoyed a chip supper together.

Wednesday. David returned for round 2 today. I’m sure his mental condition can be treated. It was another hard slog and four more Christmas trees were brought down before the forest was finally denuded. Again there were bags of decorations which included a singing turkey which danced around the room when batteries were added. I had just the home for that. Much Chinese crockery was found to Yvonne’s delight and also quite a few pieces of Chokin  and other things. We’d made great headway by early afternoon and decided that what was still up there could be dealt with by me at a later date. The loft hatch was closed with sighs of relief from both of us. A sucker for punishment David asked if I wanted to carry on and clear Ju’s books. I jumped at the chance and a ton of books from her collection on Princess Diana, books on horses and even more of crafting left heading for a charity shop. David left for the day and I tried to tidy up some of the things left behind that I had other homes for. I spent the evening sneezing from the dust that had drifted out of the loft and off the books. I’m not sure what happened to the other 6 dwarves and Snow White. My brother Dilwyn, nephew Matthew and Nephew Lee came to humiliate me at Trivial Pursuit. Lee also helped me place my important files in ‘Dropbox’ ready to format my computer, take  back to factory settings and put Windows 7 on. That will hopefully happen next Wednesday.

Thursday. Oh evil day. I was up at five doing emails including one from Yvonne to say Apple had messaged her that the phone was unlocked. By eight o’clock I was dashing to the loo and throwing up. I had to go back to bed and that’s not something I enjoy. I absolutely hate admitting defeat and giving up. I slept……….. As I got up later my screen was deader than a dodo. Back to the hated laptop to complete messages and try to get Virgin to change my package to a sim only with internet access and also to send me a new sim card.

Friday I’m in trouble for not arranging to see the surgery Chest Clinic about my bronchitis. Yvonne’s disapproval came hurtling down T’interweb and she’s booked me in straight after a doctor’s appointment on Tuesday. Worse still, she’s coming with me. Such a lack of trust there. I’m sure I’ve been there so often I have an invitation to the staff Christmas party this year. MuJo arrived and were thrilled with their goodies from the loft which included the funky Turkey. Muriel was also pleased with a number of books written in cartoon form about horse riders. She was also delighted when we got to town and found my tearoom had  Roast Lamb dinner on today since it’s her favourite meal. We followed that with a short shopping/ coffee expedition before returning home where we found MiRo ( Mike and Rose) waiting for us. A little chit-chat and Mujo left to visit his mother. The three of us who remained caught up on each other’s news and eventually Mike fitted the new sim card which had arrived in the iphone 3. Nada. He spoke to Virgin and they said it needed to be activated ( why, it’s the same number). 24 hours and we could try it again. Mike washed my hair  for me to save me putting my arms above my head then we filled our faces while watching the TV. I kept the laptop on my knee to keep abreast of emails.

Saturday. I knew Mike had set his alarm for 7.am so after finishing my messages at 6.30 I crept into their room to gather their cups to wash. I must creep with a creak because I disturbed Rose who to her credit didn’t scream at having someone wandering round her room. I caught a glimpse of myself in a mirror and almost wet myself. Anyway she came through to the lounge and we had a drink together. The fibbin’Arab had set his alarm for 7.30 and true to form ignored it. I took a coffee through and threaten to tickle his feet if he didn’t move. That generated a grunt. One reminder later and he moved. Not much chance of an eight o’clock start though. We did manage to leave the house by 9.am though and headed for Broughton Park where Mike and I did the shopping while Rose had a cuppa upstairs in ‘Ella’s Fountain’. Shopping done, Mike and I joined her for a coffee and a look round he sale stock. We left and went to look for a gift Mike particularly wants for his so for Christmas. We’ve seen them in a particular shop before but not today. They’re all gone. We had a waltz round the other shops there and went for lunch.Rose even managed to get him to stop doing his Quasimodo impressions long enough to place the order. I was forced, FORCED I tell you to indulge in a (diabetic) all day breakfast of bacon, sausage, egg, beans, mushrooms and chips. After this we shot to another set of shops where Rose managed to find the gift Mike wanted so we headed home with a detour for coffee at my favourite watering hole. Mike being Mike tried to see how long it would take to get me banned, and there we were back to Quasimodo again. The evening was spent with TV, laptop and supper along with the laugh of finding out the new sim card won’t work in the old phone ( have we bugger’d that up now) and isn’t being recognised in the new one either. I think I’ll go back to using semaphore.

Wishing you all a Wonderful week and sending Hugs.