Tag Archives: Microwave

Losing Breakfast, Saving Lunch/ A Disadvantage of Living Alone.

It’s always a delight for me to recount my week to my friends and if all has gone well maybe raise a smile or two. Thank you for taking the time to share this with me and provide a comment of your own. I will always try to respond with a Hug for the ladies, and whatever is acceptable for the men.                                                                                       Here’s the week in view……..

Sunday. I’d been disappointed on Friday to find on going into a shop for something advertised in their brochure that I can’t read because it wasn’t due in till Monday. Knowing I couldn’t get to the shop then I managed to persuade poor Michael that a little burst of shopping this morning might just find an alternative. He fell for it hook, line and sinker and got ready by half past ten which for him is DAWN or thereabouts. There was no way I’d find what I wanted in Flint but I did manage to get my Christmas list down by another two gifts. I keep the list on my desktop so I can update it when I get home, turning red all the items I’ve actually got. It’s more red than black now. There was still a good half hour before lunches would start at The Blossoms so we went for our usual coffee at Temptations. He had his usual banter with the girls and as usual I crossed my fingers that we wouldn’t get banned. We went for lunch. As we walked in the young man ( Carl?) behind the bar saw us, said hello and asked if we wanted the usual drinks. We both thought that was great. We settled on a lamb dinner which was excellent but towards the end a large family group came in and as the group contained young children was very noisy with items of cutlery ringing on the floor with some regularity. It’s a very small dining room so we were all sitting closely and the noise and proximity got too much for me. I had to leave so telling Mike I was going for some fresh air and a cigarette (????) I paid and left. I may have to find somewhere with more space or stop eating out. Michael left soon after to go to his father’s by which time I was turning any drink I picked up into a shake.I spent most of the rest of the day staring at the TV screen.

Monday. Time to catch up on all my emails. I’m trying to decide which one of the marriage proposals to accept when it occurs to me that I may have to learn another language, throat singing or the ululation of some African tribe. Maybe I’ll stay a widower a while longer. Anyway, two out of the five psychics have said now isn’t the time for rash decisions. How they’d seen the state of my skin I don’t know. It always amazes me that the psychics write to me since they should really be able to predict my responses and save themselves some time. I confess that apart from trying to answer the ‘sarky’ comments of one of my regular correspondents who shall ‘meekly’ remain nameless, the day was pretty boring.

Tuesday. Courage ( or stupidity) gripped me this morning as I found myself at the bus stop complete with backpack containing gifts for Reuben. Stupid in as much as I decided to go for the early bus at eight-ten when the bus stop was crawling with children. Courage because I didn’t walk away. The school bus came and whisked them away leaving just three of us at the stop. I started breathing again. The bus arrived and I struggled on to find the disabled seat at the front was free. I grabbed it (before it ran away), sat down and applied my earphones to listen to music and ignore distractions. The distraction soon arrived. A young lady with pushchair got on and sat next to me. That was fine, but the baby, now in the gap in front of me obviously wanted to play. For twenty minutes I had to play visual hide and seek with a child getting shriller by the minute. At least she was a happy little bunny so I didn’t mind. She got off and distraction two arrived. The man sat next to me despite the free seats available. Was my nutter magnet working again? No, he didn’t speak but Lord how he smelled. It’s just as well I don’t eat breakfast or everyone would have known what I had. How he didn’t notice me going blue from holding my breath I don’t know and he must have heard the explosions of breath as I had to give up. I bathe every 6 months even if I don’t need it but this was a ten year man without a doubt. The bus crawled but eventually we got there and you’ve never seen a disabled person clear the hurdles as fast as I got off the bus.  Yvonne met me with Reuben in his pram and I asked to go for coffee. The nearest was a Pret a Manger which looked clean and roomy. Yvonne went to the counter while Reuben snored and I watched him. She came back and passed me  a latte. Quite a big glass so I put three sugars in. We were talking all the time as we do when I saw Yvonne take a sip if her flavoured latte. “Mm” she said “this doesn’t taste very much of what was promised.” I lifted my own mug and the smell of whatever it was hit me. “There could be a reason for that” I told her. We swapped and I added just two sugars this time in view of the sudden diet I was going on. She tasted mine and I saw the grimace. She never did finish that drink……. After some shopping ( c’mon, what else did you expect when I’m with Yvonne) we went for lunch. I took Reuben to the table as Yvonne stayed in the queue to order. Reuben woke up. A few smiles and Yvonne arrived with lunch and with water to heat his bottle. The idea was that she’d feed him while I ate then we could swap. His eyes were following my every mouthful and I swear he tried to distract me with a fake High Five so he could pinch a piece of pie. It didn’t work. I finished and took him on my knee. His grip on my beard told me his milk and my steak pie weren’t even in his eyes.

A little more shopping on the way home, obviously only because we had to pass the shops anyway. At home Yvonne made me don a Christmas hat so she could take a few photographs for my Christmas cards. I carried Reuben round the room with frequent stops at the mirror which seems to fascinate him. Ugo arrived home and after half an hour was ready to run me home. We chatted all the way then stopped at a Chippie so he could get some tea to have at my place. He mustn’t have heard me whisper “no thanks” as he got me a portion of chips for my tea too. With threats that they’d see me Sunday and take me out for a meal he left. No time for anything but mail for the rest of the evening barring one quick break for the new Mentalist episode.

Wednesday. During the course of the morning I received several parcels from different couriers and the post office. These interruptions of course spoiled all my courting of the varied age ladies who deem me proper to look after both themselves and their personal finances. I was so close to completing my bank details for them to deposit finds on several occasions but another knock on the door put paid to that. Such a shame, I could have used the money to buy a bell. Don’t for one minute think I’m ignoring my psychic’s advice not to be rash but I reckon we have time to mull over things before the marriage plans are final. I’m thinking I may have to join a religion or perhaps even start one that allows me to enjoy so many wives. The millions we’ll have will of course enable me to buy a suitable place to house this new harem and hire a doctor to keep an eye on my heart as well as one for my brain. The aforementioned parcels are of course part of my Christmas campaign which is going very well this year. Yvonne thinks I may be going a bit over the top ( “as usual” she says) but this is a good chance to spoil people.However if I carry on like this there will be no room here and I may have to invoke the Sanity Clause to get me to stop. It’s not that I spend a fortune, it’s that I like to find unusual but suitable gifts for people. For instance, I’m sure Reuben will appreciate the baby alligators instead of rubber ducks in his bath. See what I mean, I’m thoughtful.                                                                                                          Tonight was excellent. Dil and Matthew came for their weekly game and then my nephew Lee turned up too. My cup runneth over but I turned the machine off before the floor was flooded. We had two games of Scrabble which I won ( Hint…always hide a q and u up your sleeve till you see a treble word space available) and two games of Balderdash which they allowed me since I lose all the Absolute Balderdash games we play. I won those games too and was able to wave goodbye to them with a smug grin on my face. At least until I was reminded I didn’t win  thing last week with my brother taking most of the honours. I waved them off, washed the pots and came through to start my evening mail which kept me going till 11.15 pm.

Thursday. This morning I woke to pouring rain and howling wind. No, it was genuine wind outside, not the surfeit of beans type you were imagining. The horror was I had to go out in it. Not very far I grant you but ‘A’ for effort please. How am I ever going to be rich if I don’t keep up with my lottery tickets? While I was out I nipped (now that’s a term not often associated with me) to the Post Office cum Chemists. I needed to return a watch I’d bought my brother and which he brought back last night as the minute hand didn’t work. I was tempted to point out the other two did but he’s four inches taller than me and plays a nasty game of Scrabble. Anyhoo, I posted it off and on my way out saw a great bargain on a bottle and food warmer. I suppose if I can’t use it Reuben might.  As I got home I met someone in dark clothing with a hint of red and was relieved to find out it wasn’t the Salvation Army band but the postman.He was trying to bend a parcel to get it in the letterbox. I relieved him of it but couldn’t manage it either so I just carried it in. I polished the rain from my glasses to better see what it was and saw it was from Amazon. Strange, I haven’t ordered from them recently. The x-ray vision and guesswork not being up to scratch I opened it, cleverly opening up the side of my thumb in the process. Muffling the weeping and wailing I applied a plaster ( band-aid). The content was a book I had ordered from Ebay as part of a group for Yvonne. She wanted them for Christmas but I said I couldn’t give her second hand gifts for that. I shall have to hope she thinks the attempt to bend it to fit the letterbox is why it’s second hand so she’ll accept it early.

Friday. Ah, the rain has stopped. Just as well since I forgot bread yesterday. From 5.15 till  almost 10.0 am on my emails seemed to take forever. I just put my coat on to go for the bread when post dropped on the mat. Almost as much rubbish as some of my emails so it went in the bag for recycling. To be on the safe side I decided to nip to the loo before going out. You could say I was in full low when there was a knock on the door. Damn, I thought “Won’t be a minute” I shouted, having learned the hard way never to shout “Coming” gain only to find some random woman at my back watching me pee. Naturally I had an hour bladder this time and by the time I’d finished and washed my hands and opened the door, no-one was there. I got my crutches and went out. There on a neighbours doorstep stood a man knocking. Taking a chance I asked if he’d just knocked on my door thinking he might be the gas man ( No, still nothing to do with stomach upsets). It was in fact a courier and yes, he’d just been to mine but said he hadn’t heard me shout. Strange because I hadn’t mentioned I had shouted!  Some kind of delayed ESP perhaps. I took the box he had and signed for it, Rasputin seemed appropriate today. I knew what it was and just popped it back inside the house and went to gt the bread. Twenty minutes later with the help of some very blunt scissors I had my Trivial Pursuit open. YAY. Wednesday nights will be great from now on. My nephew is far too young to remember anything from the original game and I’m hoping my brother has maybe forgotten it all except sports.  I had a reasonable bing meal at lunchtime, managed to clear my mail by 5.00 pm and caught an old episode of The Mentalist. I keep getting confused as to who is with who now and why Rigsby has a baby but no wife. After that I decided to have a shower. I know it’s a month early but hey, live dangerously and believe me I know of what I speak. I suffer from Unstable Angina( which just means it can come on at anytime without exertion). One thing that triggers it is often putting my arms above my head so ballet, playing Dervish and washing my hair aren’t easy. Someone else usually washes it for me but Michael isn’t here this weekend. I’ve developed a knack for putting my head low almost between my legs ( the better to kiss my ass goodbye) to do the actual rubbing/scratching but unfortunately I also have a talent for losing my balance.You can guess the rest. Moments later I was on the outside looking in holding a very sore forehead and feeling the mat beneath me get wetter and wetter where I’d knocked the shower door open.In again, rinse, groan, and out. Hang mat over door, don dressing gown and grab chest while running for nitro. I’m better now and going trough to watch a sexy lady dissect the bodies of the poor unfortunate deceased. Purely for educational purposes of course.

Saturday. Ah well. The weekend has arrived. Up with the larks, that is if the larks like being up in the pitch black at 4.45 am. I know my lovely niece Karen will be taking me shopping this morning. I almost said escorting but that  sounds like I need supervision and surely I’m not that bad. Am I? No, of course not, chances are it’ll be me stopping her spending. Anyway, I’ve chance to do my mail since she won’t arrive until between 7.30 and 8.00. Let’s see if I’ve any marriage proposals in the meantime. Well, the easy answer is no, but I have been propositioned which is new. This girl is all for happy times and swinging. Is there a circus in town I don’t know about? I answered “No” anyway since she suggested taking my breath away and I need all I’ve got to keep breathing. A text at 7.20 tells me Karen is on her way. Picking up the bags from the kitchen and I see the floor really needs a good clean. I’ve plenty of time to run a mop over it before I go. I actually made it over half way before my genius for being a klutz kicked in and I upended the bucket trying to pull it across the floor just using the mop. I always wanted an indoor pool just not here, not now. I had just finished getting the worst of it up when Karen arrived. I’ll leave it to dry while I’m out though I don’t know whether the little lagoons under the washer/drier and the fridge will do so.On the way out I put out the bins, the big one now has the old microwave in and I hope they don’t open it to check.                                                                                  8.00am at Asda and we have to walk the length of the car park because someone forgot to put my disabled badge in my coat pocket. Tut Tut Karen. ahem. She heads for the potatoes but I call her back and say I don’t need them this week. Instead we start by selecting two bunches of flowers for Ju which Karen will arrange beautifully when we get home to avoid it looking like it was done by a blind man. Before we reach the food I need some enveloped for Christmas cards and then I see some baby clothes. Soon I have a pair of dungarees, matching tee shirt, fur lined hooded coat and a pair of tiny boots. Karen who pointed them out has nothing and stands there smirking. I look at the gents clothes but NO, I will behave. But nearby is a sale stand and Karen tells me they have nothing like it in her store. I get a double bed set for just £4  and two big cushions at £2 each. Then candles, heck where did all the space go and why is Karen laughing at me? We finally reach the food and in an effort to show I’m a single minded shopper I fling four bing meals into the trolley. Karen catches them as they threaten to slide off. I get 4 cream cakes ( just in case of visitors). two boxes of chocolates, bread, milk, coffee, pop and two tins of fruit. This is ridiculous Karen, what have you been filling the basket with, oh, just pass me two boxes of dark chocolate fingers and a pack of the chocolate gingers please. Right, ready for the till. Karen unpacks her stuff from the trolley and it doesn’t look any smaller. She places it on the conveyer belt and put a barrier up for me which I try to remove but she won’t let me. The girl is vicious. I unpack my stuff which seems to take a while. I find a skirt Karen picked and manage to hide it behind my other stuff. Finished and now nearly £100 lighter Karen goes to buy her lottery tickets while I check my receipt to see why the till doubled all the prices…it didn’t! We head off but stop on the way home for a coffee and to lighten the load by one box of chocolates.Karen had a Chocolate Indulgence and had to photograph it in case no-one believed what I’d got. I just had my latte. Two more quick shops which were ll her fault anyway as she looked for coffee creams and we went home. In four hours the floor looks a little drier and at least we don’t have to paddle now. Karen does the flowers and then after another fight heads off. Another book has come for Yvonne which I unpack.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  During the course of the day I’ve kept up to date with my emails. Had a Cumberland Pie for late lunch, fallen asleep in front of the TV and designed the second of my Christmas cards. The bins are back in and the microwave has gone. Next thing is to check the lottery and ring them to tell them where to send my winnings I promise I’ll send postcards.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                             I wish you all a Wonderful Weekend and a Great Week to follow. Cwtch. xx

Are you really Santa Pops?

Are you really Santa Pops?

I'm a natural !

I’m a natural !

Bathtime Baby

Bathtime Baby


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Hot to Trot and Keep outta da Kitchen

Sunday. Sensitive and kind as I am, I let Mike lie in this aftern morning. I had lots to do with answering mail from the flurry of Nigerian women who suddenly need me to be their mentor and one particular young lady from Burkina Faso who needs me to be her protector from a wicked stepmother and uncle. Silly me, I hadn’t realised the panto season had started. As usual I’ve explained I’m far too occupied with the harem to spare the time. Just in case you’re wondering, it’s not true, the harem usually lock the door and stick a large aspirin behind it. Anyhoo, we decided ( actually it’s his fault) to go for Sunday lunch at Butterflys, a lovely little cafe by a large garden centre. It’s run by people Ju and I became great friends with and I haven’t seen them since the funeral. Since Ju always controlled me I wasn’t sure I’d be allowed in without her, but as usual I sent Mike in first to distract them while I found a table…too late then. We were very lucky as most of the tables were reserved. We were offered one outside but I couldn’t run fast enough to keep up as it was swept away in the rain. Hetty came for her usual hugs, then she let me give her one too. Irene served us and I asked about her Mum who’s giving Methuselah a run for his money. She’s well and happy. Irene is a wonderful woman from the North with a fantastic sense of humour and I adore her. On the way out, Julie the friend who does the cooking came to say goodbye. I wish I could get there more often. Mike dropped me off at home and then disappeared in the direction of Salford to see his father before heading home to Rugby. I was well occupied the rest of the afternoon with mail and TV until bedtime when there was an uncomfortable rumble in my stomach. It couldn’t possibly be he Mars bars I had for tea so logic says it’s something else.

Monday. This morning I woke early to terrible thunder. It was a case of drop the crutches and run or you’ll be running all over the crutches. And I noticed it wasn’t very nice outside either. It became a case of answer some mail and run, answer some more and run. By lunchtime there were scorch marks on the hall runner and grooves in the laminate flooring. I was poorly. One of the morning’s messages at least solved one mystery when I heard Reuben had the same problem and had started suffering before me, last Friday. He’d been taken to a meeting with the parents and children of Yvonne’s ante-natal class and was laid on the mat to be photographed with all the other babies. Oddly enough, every single one now had the same problem. I wasn’t even there that day and he’d shared it with me when I saw him Thursday. That’s taking generosity to extremes. I’m so run down I need nappies now?? In a state of cherry red glow and inner warmth I survived the day.

Tuesday. I spent the day with Yvonne and Reuben after I’d caught up with the morning post and a prediction from Mystic Mog that she could see a lot of exercise in my week. We were sitting in Central Perk, Yvonne and I having our drinks ( Yvonne had a cake) while Reuben and I looked miserable at our plight. A huge dark cloud drifted overhead so she rushed him away and changed him. I was left to make my own way very gingerly. My grandson and I are in unison and I don’t mean the Union for Office Workers either. We did a little shopping ( come on, what else did you expect) and went for another drink and another set of baby changing facilities. I may have mentioned in the past an old law in Chester that says any Welshman found inside the walls of Chester can be shot ( by bow and arrow). Until today I hadn’t realised that a law had been enacted by the drainage department that the law could be enforced during the daylight hours in an emergency. We had lunch at their home after which Yvonne got her laptop out for me to do some mail. I think she was checking the tally of marriage proposals for the week so far. They have two loos so I claimed the nearest for my own and enjoyed their company for the afternoon. Ugo ran me home after returning from work but for some reason didn’t stay long muttering something about miasma as he ran to the car. I watched the new episode of The Mentalist and found out Lisbon is not dead.

Wednesday. Only one request to receive someone’s fortune this morning. I’m not as popular as I once was, or is that was once? I pottered about during the morning then decided to have lunch despite still being full from my breakfast tranquilisers etc. I turned the TV on to watch Murder she Wrought and put my meal in the bing machine. It’s eight minutes with a shake at the half way point. I’ve never seen the point of the shake as I always lose my balance and I must look silly, but still, instructions are instructions. There was an odd smell which didn’t have the aroma of beef about it so as the adverts came on I went to have a look. The microwave looked a bit brighter than usual too. As the final bell went I opened the door and was greeted with a little bunch of flames beneath the glass plate. Oops. I took my beef out, blew and stuck my mash in for two minutes, one minute rest and two more minutes cooking. There were the flames again. Luckily they didn’t reach above the plate to my meal. I took the potatoes out and risked a minute and a half for my peas. No flames, YAY. I enjoyed my lunch but was really disappointed to find I’d already seen Jessica solve the murder a few days ago. I kept shouting who’d done it but she kept on plodding at her usual pace anyway. After lunch I checked the microwave. Under the plate there was rust which had eaten through the skin of the metal and was catching light from sparks every time the machine started. My bad! No more meals in this then. A few more jaunts to the loo during the afternoon then things started to settle before my visitors at six. Do you know they didn’t arrive till five past today. Shocking isn’t it. I mean, if you’re going to be that late, why bother at all. We had two games of Scrabble and Dil won both so I got the trivial pursuit out and the bug he won that too.If only Matthew and I could catch him cheating.

Thursday. I used the phone to pay a big bill this morning! It was great, an automated service so I din’t have to speak to anybody. It was a female voice so I told her how sexy she sounded and she hung up on me. I’d paid the bill though. MuJo arrived and I was astounded that she was wearing the things I’d got for her birthday and none of them were navy blue which she rarely diverts from. Even better, she said she loved the gifts. Just as well I remembered to check the labels as I don’t think she’d have appreciated Mike’s Manchester United shirt and tee shirt, and I know for a fact he won’t wear maroon jeggings and a hairy jumper. They took me too Lidl so I could stock up on loo rolls. A twenty four pack should see me clear to the weekend I think, though the stomach seems to have settled a bit. I’m not sure the savoury mince, peas and chips were likely to help much. I know I had the same last week but sometimes I’m adventurous and have liver. After lunch we headed for Flint to buy a new microwave and the gods were smiling on me today when I found a red one ( the colour theme in the kitchen) for  just £40 in the sale. I managed to buy a Christmas present too (MYOB Yvonne) before getting some sweets and going for a coffee or actually a cup of tea. A shame Ceri wasn’t in today or I could have mentioned the hangover she must have had after she’d been seen out over the weekend. I spent the afternoon trying to design a Christmas card for John with some success so next week I must start a production line with mine too. MuJo having left I got the new microwave out and tidied up a bit, had some tea ( fruit Andrea honestly), watched an episode of The Mentalist and then sat down to clear my mail before 8.30 pm when episode 2 of the new Big Bang Theory was on.( I missed last week’s). It was as funny as ever.



Friday. Early start this morning as I need time to titivate, like a quick mop over the kitchen floor. It ended up quite streaky because I did it eyes closed so I didn’t see the Fe-ing pile in the basket. I decided to hit the emails next. I knew there was time as I hadn’t received the ‘On my way’ message I always get when Michael leaves home. One of the messages I got was from a friend who’d written to tell me his writing had been compared to a very well known author. Since he gave me the link I decided to have a go myself. Here’s the link for all my author friends who want to see who they compare to.      http://iwl.me/     Based on a chapter of The Queen’s Envoy it’s decided I write like Ian Fleming. On the other hand, a chapter from My Barsetshire Diary is writing like Jack London. Since someone once compared me to PG Wodehouse it seems I can’t keep to one style unless of course they were all the same person. It’s no wonder people think I’m schizophrenic all these people running around inside my head. About midday I got the text but as at best it would be two thirty before he got here ( even driving illegally which he always does) so I’d plenty of time for lunch. I’d accidentally tripped over a (small) packet of bacon in the corner shop earlier but had been able to cushion the fall with a packet of soft baps. Seeing those two battered and bruised objects sent a wave of empathy through me so I bought them and took them home to safety. They made a nice lunch. Michael finally arrived at five o’clock so I took the evening off so we could chat- in the adverts between episodes of the Mentalist and other programmes I like. I did make him a coffee though.

Saturday. I started the messages at a quarter to five this morning so I’d plenty of time to devise a standard letter. “Dear Sir/Madam, I’m so sorry you’re dying/having a hard time with your evil uncle/finding it difficult to defraud your bank/ not finding it easy to find a trustworthy man to marry. Just send me a cheque for the millions you want me to hold in your name, along with my own millions and I shall endeavour to look after it while creating a new life for myself in the sun. I will of course send you  forwarding address where you may come to collect your share as soon as my new name is finalised. Fond Regards, Roland Penhaglion. I’d just added the last few kisses when Michael’s alarm went off. We had coffee and prepared to go out. Today was a well planned joint expedition. We did my shopping first and then headed off to find him a new winter coat. I’ve never met a man harder to please. Every suggestion was met with rejection. Too long, too short, too tight, too loose, too bloody ugly, Oh sorry that’s yours. We we’re half way round the shops when on the ninth I pointed out the perfect coat.”No like” he said petulantly sticking his bottom lip out. A woman assistant came to offer help. He explained what he wanted in a soft Irish brogue. Michael’s eyes glazed over, his breath was coming in short pants but I told him we’d come for a coat and we were leaving with a coat, not short pants. The brogue brought over the jacket he ‘No Liked’ but instead of scornfully rejecting her he dutifully tried it on, bought it and threw his old one away. Next we needed a wire for a surround sound system and we were inthe third shop and my last moments of patience before I marched him to the assistant who had him done and dusted in moments. We toddled off for lunch and took some gifts I had for the owners. As we walked in one of them pointed out the newly erected Christmas tree with some little gift bags and tags from last year which were from Ju and myself. Michael hurriedly sat me down. Back at home he’s been searching the internet for a gift for himself from his father and tried to wear my ears out in the process. I almost watched a Bill Murray film in desperation.

I wish you all a wonderful week full of Love and Hugs.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                ……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

Chatty Little Man

Chatty Little Man

Babi 2

Happy Little Chap

Happy Little Chap


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