Sunday. Sensitive and kind as I am, I let Mike lie in this
aftern morning. I had lots to do with answering mail from the flurry of Nigerian women who suddenly need me to be their mentor and one particular young lady from Burkina Faso who needs me to be her protector from a wicked stepmother and uncle. Silly me, I hadn’t realised the panto season had started. As usual I’ve explained I’m far too occupied with the harem to spare the time. Just in case you’re wondering, it’s not true, the harem usually lock the door and stick a large aspirin behind it. Anyhoo, we decided ( actually it’s his fault) to go for Sunday lunch at Butterflys, a lovely little cafe by a large garden centre. It’s run by people Ju and I became great friends with and I haven’t seen them since the funeral. Since Ju always controlled me I wasn’t sure I’d be allowed in without her, but as usual I sent Mike in first to distract them while I found a table…too late then. We were very lucky as most of the tables were reserved. We were offered one outside but I couldn’t run fast enough to keep up as it was swept away in the rain. Hetty came for her usual hugs, then she let me give her one too. Irene served us and I asked about her Mum who’s giving Methuselah a run for his money. She’s well and happy. Irene is a wonderful woman from the North with a fantastic sense of humour and I adore her. On the way out, Julie the friend who does the cooking came to say goodbye. I wish I could get there more often. Mike dropped me off at home and then disappeared in the direction of Salford to see his father before heading home to Rugby. I was well occupied the rest of the afternoon with mail and TV until bedtime when there was an uncomfortable rumble in my stomach. It couldn’t possibly be he Mars bars I had for tea so logic says it’s something else.
Monday. This morning I woke early to terrible thunder. It was a case of drop the crutches and run or you’ll be running all over the crutches. And I noticed it wasn’t very nice outside either. It became a case of answer some mail and run, answer some more and run. By lunchtime there were scorch marks on the hall runner and grooves in the laminate flooring. I was poorly. One of the morning’s messages at least solved one mystery when I heard Reuben had the same problem and had started suffering before me, last Friday. He’d been taken to a meeting with the parents and children of Yvonne’s ante-natal class and was laid on the mat to be photographed with all the other babies. Oddly enough, every single one now had the same problem. I wasn’t even there that day and he’d shared it with me when I saw him Thursday. That’s taking generosity to extremes. I’m so run down I need nappies now?? In a state of cherry red glow and inner warmth I survived the day.
Tuesday. I spent the day with Yvonne and Reuben after I’d caught up with the morning post and a prediction from Mystic Mog that she could see a lot of exercise in my week. We were sitting in Central Perk, Yvonne and I having our drinks ( Yvonne had a cake) while Reuben and I looked miserable at our plight. A huge dark cloud drifted overhead so she rushed him away and changed him. I was left to make my own way very gingerly. My grandson and I are in unison and I don’t mean the Union for Office Workers either. We did a little shopping ( come on, what else did you expect) and went for another drink and another set of baby changing facilities. I may have mentioned in the past an old law in Chester that says any Welshman found inside the walls of Chester can be shot ( by bow and arrow). Until today I hadn’t realised that a law had been enacted by the drainage department that the law could be enforced during the daylight hours in an emergency. We had lunch at their home after which Yvonne got her laptop out for me to do some mail. I think she was checking the tally of marriage proposals for the week so far. They have two loos so I claimed the nearest for my own and enjoyed their company for the afternoon. Ugo ran me home after returning from work but for some reason didn’t stay long muttering something about miasma as he ran to the car. I watched the new episode of The Mentalist and found out Lisbon is not dead.
Wednesday. Only one request to receive someone’s fortune this morning. I’m not as popular as I once was, or is that was once? I pottered about during the morning then decided to have lunch despite still being full from my breakfast tranquilisers etc. I turned the TV on to watch Murder she Wrought and put my meal in the bing machine. It’s eight minutes with a shake at the half way point. I’ve never seen the point of the shake as I always lose my balance and I must look silly, but still, instructions are instructions. There was an odd smell which didn’t have the aroma of beef about it so as the adverts came on I went to have a look. The microwave looked a bit brighter than usual too. As the final bell went I opened the door and was greeted with a little bunch of flames beneath the glass plate. Oops. I took my beef out, blew and stuck my mash in for two minutes, one minute rest and two more minutes cooking. There were the flames again. Luckily they didn’t reach above the plate to my meal. I took the potatoes out and risked a minute and a half for my peas. No flames, YAY. I enjoyed my lunch but was really disappointed to find I’d already seen Jessica solve the murder a few days ago. I kept shouting who’d done it but she kept on plodding at her usual pace anyway. After lunch I checked the microwave. Under the plate there was rust which had eaten through the skin of the metal and was catching light from sparks every time the machine started. My bad! No more meals in this then. A few more jaunts to the loo during the afternoon then things started to settle before my visitors at six. Do you know they didn’t arrive till five past today. Shocking isn’t it. I mean, if you’re going to be that late, why bother at all. We had two games of Scrabble and Dil won both so I got the trivial pursuit out and
the bug he won that too.If only Matthew and I could catch him cheating.
Thursday. I used the phone to pay a big bill this morning! It was great, an automated service so I din’t have to speak to anybody. It was a female voice so I told her how sexy she sounded and she hung up on me. I’d paid the bill though. MuJo arrived and I was astounded that she was wearing the things I’d got for her birthday and none of them were navy blue which she rarely diverts from. Even better, she said she loved the gifts. Just as well I remembered to check the labels as I don’t think she’d have appreciated Mike’s Manchester United shirt and tee shirt, and I know for a fact he won’t wear maroon jeggings and a hairy jumper. They took me too Lidl so I could stock up on loo rolls. A twenty four pack should see me clear to the weekend I think, though the stomach seems to have settled a bit. I’m not sure the savoury mince, peas and chips were likely to help much. I know I had the same last week but sometimes I’m adventurous and have liver. After lunch we headed for Flint to buy a new microwave and the gods were smiling on me today when I found a red one ( the colour theme in the kitchen) for just £40 in the sale. I managed to buy a Christmas present too (MYOB Yvonne) before getting some sweets and going for a coffee or actually a cup of tea. A shame Ceri wasn’t in today or I could have mentioned the hangover she must have had after she’d been seen out over the weekend. I spent the afternoon trying to design a Christmas card for John with some success so next week I must start a production line with mine too. MuJo having left I got the new microwave out and tidied up a bit, had some tea ( fruit Andrea honestly), watched an episode of The Mentalist and then sat down to clear my mail before 8.30 pm when episode 2 of the new Big Bang Theory was on.( I missed last week’s). It was as funny as ever.
Friday. Early start this morning as I need time to titivate, like a quick mop over the kitchen floor. It ended up quite streaky because I did it eyes closed so I didn’t see the Fe-ing pile in the basket. I decided to hit the emails next. I knew there was time as I hadn’t received the ‘On my way’ message I always get when Michael leaves home. One of the messages I got was from a friend who’d written to tell me his writing had been compared to a very well known author. Since he gave me the link I decided to have a go myself. Here’s the link for all my author friends who want to see who they compare to. http://iwl.me/ Based on a chapter of The Queen’s Envoy it’s decided I write like Ian Fleming. On the other hand, a chapter from My Barsetshire Diary is writing like Jack London. Since someone once compared me to PG Wodehouse it seems I can’t keep to one style unless of course they were all the same person. It’s no wonder people think I’m schizophrenic all these people running around inside my head. About midday I got the text but as at best it would be two thirty before he got here ( even driving illegally which he always does) so I’d plenty of time for lunch. I’d accidentally tripped over a (small) packet of bacon in the corner shop earlier but had been able to cushion the fall with a packet of soft baps. Seeing those two battered and bruised objects sent a wave of empathy through me so I bought them and took them home to safety. They made a nice lunch. Michael finally arrived at five o’clock so I took the evening off so we could chat- in the adverts between episodes of the Mentalist and other programmes I like. I did make him a coffee though.
Saturday. I started the messages at a quarter to five this morning so I’d plenty of time to devise a standard letter. “Dear Sir/Madam, I’m so sorry you’re dying/having a hard time with your evil uncle/finding it difficult to defraud your bank/ not finding it easy to find a trustworthy man to marry. Just send me a cheque for the millions you want me to hold in your name, along with my own millions and I shall endeavour to look after it while creating a new life for myself in the sun. I will of course send you forwarding address where you may come to collect your share as soon as my new name is finalised. Fond Regards, Roland Penhaglion. I’d just added the last few kisses when Michael’s alarm went off. We had coffee and prepared to go out. Today was a well planned joint expedition. We did my shopping first and then headed off to find him a new winter coat. I’ve never met a man harder to please. Every suggestion was met with rejection. Too long, too short, too tight, too loose, too bloody ugly, Oh sorry that’s yours. We we’re half way round the shops when on the ninth I pointed out the perfect coat.”No like” he said petulantly sticking his bottom lip out. A woman assistant came to offer help. He explained what he wanted in a soft Irish brogue. Michael’s eyes glazed over, his breath was coming in short pants but I told him we’d come for a coat and we were leaving with a coat, not short pants. The brogue brought over the jacket he ‘No Liked’ but instead of scornfully rejecting her he dutifully tried it on, bought it and threw his old one away. Next we needed a wire for a surround sound system and we were inthe third shop and my last moments of patience before I marched him to the assistant who had him done and dusted in moments. We toddled off for lunch and took some gifts I had for the owners. As we walked in one of them pointed out the newly erected Christmas tree with some little gift bags and tags from last year which were from Ju and myself. Michael hurriedly sat me down. Back at home he’s been searching the internet for a gift for himself from his father and tried to wear my ears out in the process. I almost watched a Bill Murray film in desperation.
I wish you all a wonderful week full of Love and Hugs. ……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….