Hot to Trot and Keep outta da Kitchen

Sunday. Sensitive and kind as I am, I let Mike lie in this aftern morning. I had lots to do with answering mail from the flurry of Nigerian women who suddenly need me to be their mentor and one particular young lady from Burkina Faso who needs me to be her protector from a wicked stepmother and uncle. Silly me, I hadn’t realised the panto season had started. As usual I’ve explained I’m far too occupied with the harem to spare the time. Just in case you’re wondering, it’s not true, the harem usually lock the door and stick a large aspirin behind it. Anyhoo, we decided ( actually it’s his fault) to go for Sunday lunch at Butterflys, a lovely little cafe by a large garden centre. It’s run by people Ju and I became great friends with and I haven’t seen them since the funeral. Since Ju always controlled me I wasn’t sure I’d be allowed in without her, but as usual I sent Mike in first to distract them while I found a table…too late then. We were very lucky as most of the tables were reserved. We were offered one outside but I couldn’t run fast enough to keep up as it was swept away in the rain. Hetty came for her usual hugs, then she let me give her one too. Irene served us and I asked about her Mum who’s giving Methuselah a run for his money. She’s well and happy. Irene is a wonderful woman from the North with a fantastic sense of humour and I adore her. On the way out, Julie the friend who does the cooking came to say goodbye. I wish I could get there more often. Mike dropped me off at home and then disappeared in the direction of Salford to see his father before heading home to Rugby. I was well occupied the rest of the afternoon with mail and TV until bedtime when there was an uncomfortable rumble in my stomach. It couldn’t possibly be he Mars bars I had for tea so logic says it’s something else.

Monday. This morning I woke early to terrible thunder. It was a case of drop the crutches and run or you’ll be running all over the crutches. And I noticed it wasn’t very nice outside either. It became a case of answer some mail and run, answer some more and run. By lunchtime there were scorch marks on the hall runner and grooves in the laminate flooring. I was poorly. One of the morning’s messages at least solved one mystery when I heard Reuben had the same problem and had started suffering before me, last Friday. He’d been taken to a meeting with the parents and children of Yvonne’s ante-natal class and was laid on the mat to be photographed with all the other babies. Oddly enough, every single one now had the same problem. I wasn’t even there that day and he’d shared it with me when I saw him Thursday. That’s taking generosity to extremes. I’m so run down I need nappies now?? In a state of cherry red glow and inner warmth I survived the day.

Tuesday. I spent the day with Yvonne and Reuben after I’d caught up with the morning post and a prediction from Mystic Mog that she could see a lot of exercise in my week. We were sitting in Central Perk, Yvonne and I having our drinks ( Yvonne had a cake) while Reuben and I looked miserable at our plight. A huge dark cloud drifted overhead so she rushed him away and changed him. I was left to make my own way very gingerly. My grandson and I are in unison and I don’t mean the Union for Office Workers either. We did a little shopping ( come on, what else did you expect) and went for another drink and another set of baby changing facilities. I may have mentioned in the past an old law in Chester that says any Welshman found inside the walls of Chester can be shot ( by bow and arrow). Until today I hadn’t realised that a law had been enacted by the drainage department that the law could be enforced during the daylight hours in an emergency. We had lunch at their home after which Yvonne got her laptop out for me to do some mail. I think she was checking the tally of marriage proposals for the week so far. They have two loos so I claimed the nearest for my own and enjoyed their company for the afternoon. Ugo ran me home after returning from work but for some reason didn’t stay long muttering something about miasma as he ran to the car. I watched the new episode of The Mentalist and found out Lisbon is not dead.

Wednesday. Only one request to receive someone’s fortune this morning. I’m not as popular as I once was, or is that was once? I pottered about during the morning then decided to have lunch despite still being full from my breakfast tranquilisers etc. I turned the TV on to watch Murder she Wrought and put my meal in the bing machine. It’s eight minutes with a shake at the half way point. I’ve never seen the point of the shake as I always lose my balance and I must look silly, but still, instructions are instructions. There was an odd smell which didn’t have the aroma of beef about it so as the adverts came on I went to have a look. The microwave looked a bit brighter than usual too. As the final bell went I opened the door and was greeted with a little bunch of flames beneath the glass plate. Oops. I took my beef out, blew and stuck my mash in for two minutes, one minute rest and two more minutes cooking. There were the flames again. Luckily they didn’t reach above the plate to my meal. I took the potatoes out and risked a minute and a half for my peas. No flames, YAY. I enjoyed my lunch but was really disappointed to find I’d already seen Jessica solve the murder a few days ago. I kept shouting who’d done it but she kept on plodding at her usual pace anyway. After lunch I checked the microwave. Under the plate there was rust which had eaten through the skin of the metal and was catching light from sparks every time the machine started. My bad! No more meals in this then. A few more jaunts to the loo during the afternoon then things started to settle before my visitors at six. Do you know they didn’t arrive till five past today. Shocking isn’t it. I mean, if you’re going to be that late, why bother at all. We had two games of Scrabble and Dil won both so I got the trivial pursuit out and the bug he won that too.If only Matthew and I could catch him cheating.

Thursday. I used the phone to pay a big bill this morning! It was great, an automated service so I din’t have to speak to anybody. It was a female voice so I told her how sexy she sounded and she hung up on me. I’d paid the bill though. MuJo arrived and I was astounded that she was wearing the things I’d got for her birthday and none of them were navy blue which she rarely diverts from. Even better, she said she loved the gifts. Just as well I remembered to check the labels as I don’t think she’d have appreciated Mike’s Manchester United shirt and tee shirt, and I know for a fact he won’t wear maroon jeggings and a hairy jumper. They took me too Lidl so I could stock up on loo rolls. A twenty four pack should see me clear to the weekend I think, though the stomach seems to have settled a bit. I’m not sure the savoury mince, peas and chips were likely to help much. I know I had the same last week but sometimes I’m adventurous and have liver. After lunch we headed for Flint to buy a new microwave and the gods were smiling on me today when I found a red one ( the colour theme in the kitchen) for  just £40 in the sale. I managed to buy a Christmas present too (MYOB Yvonne) before getting some sweets and going for a coffee or actually a cup of tea. A shame Ceri wasn’t in today or I could have mentioned the hangover she must have had after she’d been seen out over the weekend. I spent the afternoon trying to design a Christmas card for John with some success so next week I must start a production line with mine too. MuJo having left I got the new microwave out and tidied up a bit, had some tea ( fruit Andrea honestly), watched an episode of The Mentalist and then sat down to clear my mail before 8.30 pm when episode 2 of the new Big Bang Theory was on.( I missed last week’s). It was as funny as ever.



Friday. Early start this morning as I need time to titivate, like a quick mop over the kitchen floor. It ended up quite streaky because I did it eyes closed so I didn’t see the Fe-ing pile in the basket. I decided to hit the emails next. I knew there was time as I hadn’t received the ‘On my way’ message I always get when Michael leaves home. One of the messages I got was from a friend who’d written to tell me his writing had been compared to a very well known author. Since he gave me the link I decided to have a go myself. Here’s the link for all my author friends who want to see who they compare to.     Based on a chapter of The Queen’s Envoy it’s decided I write like Ian Fleming. On the other hand, a chapter from My Barsetshire Diary is writing like Jack London. Since someone once compared me to PG Wodehouse it seems I can’t keep to one style unless of course they were all the same person. It’s no wonder people think I’m schizophrenic all these people running around inside my head. About midday I got the text but as at best it would be two thirty before he got here ( even driving illegally which he always does) so I’d plenty of time for lunch. I’d accidentally tripped over a (small) packet of bacon in the corner shop earlier but had been able to cushion the fall with a packet of soft baps. Seeing those two battered and bruised objects sent a wave of empathy through me so I bought them and took them home to safety. They made a nice lunch. Michael finally arrived at five o’clock so I took the evening off so we could chat- in the adverts between episodes of the Mentalist and other programmes I like. I did make him a coffee though.

Saturday. I started the messages at a quarter to five this morning so I’d plenty of time to devise a standard letter. “Dear Sir/Madam, I’m so sorry you’re dying/having a hard time with your evil uncle/finding it difficult to defraud your bank/ not finding it easy to find a trustworthy man to marry. Just send me a cheque for the millions you want me to hold in your name, along with my own millions and I shall endeavour to look after it while creating a new life for myself in the sun. I will of course send you  forwarding address where you may come to collect your share as soon as my new name is finalised. Fond Regards, Roland Penhaglion. I’d just added the last few kisses when Michael’s alarm went off. We had coffee and prepared to go out. Today was a well planned joint expedition. We did my shopping first and then headed off to find him a new winter coat. I’ve never met a man harder to please. Every suggestion was met with rejection. Too long, too short, too tight, too loose, too bloody ugly, Oh sorry that’s yours. We we’re half way round the shops when on the ninth I pointed out the perfect coat.”No like” he said petulantly sticking his bottom lip out. A woman assistant came to offer help. He explained what he wanted in a soft Irish brogue. Michael’s eyes glazed over, his breath was coming in short pants but I told him we’d come for a coat and we were leaving with a coat, not short pants. The brogue brought over the jacket he ‘No Liked’ but instead of scornfully rejecting her he dutifully tried it on, bought it and threw his old one away. Next we needed a wire for a surround sound system and we were inthe third shop and my last moments of patience before I marched him to the assistant who had him done and dusted in moments. We toddled off for lunch and took some gifts I had for the owners. As we walked in one of them pointed out the newly erected Christmas tree with some little gift bags and tags from last year which were from Ju and myself. Michael hurriedly sat me down. Back at home he’s been searching the internet for a gift for himself from his father and tried to wear my ears out in the process. I almost watched a Bill Murray film in desperation.

I wish you all a wonderful week full of Love and Hugs.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                ……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

Chatty Little Man

Chatty Little Man

Babi 2

Happy Little Chap

Happy Little Chap


Filed under Uncategorized

60 responses to “Hot to Trot and Keep outta da Kitchen

  1. My weeks would sound much more interesting if you were writing about them. Cute red microwave! XX

    • Thank you.I’ll bet your life is waaaay more interesting than mine with much more social interaction. I’ll have to learn how to use the microwave properly as there’s much less control than on my old one which was digital. My little Christmas puds took 40 seconds in the old one but this one doesn’t seem to do seconds and I don’t wnt a 40 minute creamation in error.
      XXX Huge Hugs XXX

  2. David I hope you are feeling better. What an awful stomach bug!
    Thanks for the fun link. To my astonishment I’m like Jane Austen on my current November novel, and like Dan Brown on another. Who’d a thunk it? There’s no wonder I forget who I am!


    • Hi Teagan, yes the tummy bug seems to have gone now and I gather Reuben is a much more ‘Solid’ citizen too now. Well, they don’t come much bigger than Jane Austen and Dan Brown do they. Very impressive. Try and concentrate on being Teagan the bestseller though.
      xxx Hugs Galore xxx

  3. This was such an enjoyable read, had me chuckling out loud.
    I didn’t know microwaves came in red … very nice!
    Stay well, David.
    hugs from Nova Scotia

    • Thanks so much Lynn. I aim to bring a smile and it’;s nice to know when I score a hit. I pinched the picture of the new microwave from ebay where I see they come in blue, green and yellow too. Kitchens are much more colourful than when I was young. I already have a red kettle and toaster.
      Keep well.
      xxx Massive Hugs from Wales xxx

  4. Sounds like you had quite the busy week! Excellent post, Sir! Now why haven’t I thought of dealing with the panto season in such a creative fashion… I shall follow your lead from here on out! Cheers!

    • You’re too kind and I thank you very much. That’s probably the greatest compliment anyone could pay since they say it’s the greatest form of flattery but I hope it brings a few smiles as I try to do. Alll the Best. Hugs

  5. Stylish red microwave… apparently red goes faster, so expect super speedy cooking 😉
    Interesting writing comparison exercise, I got H. P. Lovecraft, James Joyce, David Foster, Chuck Palahniu and… Jack London, so we’re in good company.
    MYOB Yvonne… for a minute I thought you’d bought Yvonne an accounting package! I need to get out more obviously.
    Looks like you’re truly Mike’s other half – he doesn’t listen to you but the same advice from someone else is a great idea. Give him a gentle slap from me.
    The Happy Little Chap looks so grown up 🙂

    • I was wondering whether to put a ‘Go Faster’ stripe down the side of the micro like they do with sports cars but now I’m worried my meals may cook before I even get them in there.
      Wow, what a selection you got.I was half tempted to try putting the same hing in twice to see if I’d get two different results. You’re obviously a library in yourself.
      I’ll pass on the gentle slap to Mike. Nothing will ever change him though. Even when he brings a lady friend I can hear him chatting up women in his sleep.
      Looking at some of Reuben’s pictures it’s had to believe he’s not 3 months old yet..I’m amazed at some of the clothes available though he’s already in 3-6 month sizes.
      xxx Massive Hugs xxx

  6. I enjoyed your week. Except for trying to hand tack a zipper back into my daughter’s favorite jeans that are 96% shreds, I couldn’t say what I did this week. Oh, one thing I caught from you. Not the trots. I ordered a new dining room rug!

    • Thanks Virginia, rather you than me with the sewing. My efforts always look like a drunk did them. I’m really pleased you didn’t catch the trots from me. I tried not to write while I was infectious. Good for you on the dining room rug though.I wonder what colour/pattern you’ve gone for. Something very stylish no doubt.
      xxx Huge Hugs to you xxx

  7. So, not wanting to seem ignorant, i googled Reuben’s shirt. This was so helpful:

    BabiBachCymraeg (Welsh4toddlers) on Twitter
    Mae Babi Bach – Cymraeg yn app syml wedi ei gynllunio i helpu eich plentyn bach i ddysgu ei geiriau cymraeg cyntaf.

    • Bach means small/little but Reuben is too small to be learning his first words yet. I’ll just keep buying outfits so the writing imprints on his brain. The next outfit will be a Christmas treat for his Dad. he he.
      xxx Hugs xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

  8. Catherine Johnson

    What a busy week! I think it’s time I read another Barsetshire Diary book. I love the mayhem you create, David. Take care! x

    • Me, Mayhem? I don’t know what you could possibly mean Catherine.Things just seem to happen around me but I never create them. Have you read the Queen’s Envoy yet? If not, let me know and you’ll see what I mean.
      xxx Hugs Galore xxx

  9. Oh dear. 😦 If you ever decide to share any more of Reuben’s sickies I recommend yoghurt and lots of it. 🙂 On a lighter note I really like your new red microwave. Should look really good next to the new red fire extinguisher.;)

  10. Now, why would you toss away a perfectly matured and seasoned microwave, Uncle?
    Newer models will deprive you of the healthy iron vapors (we all need our iron, and it is far easier to inhale than to chew) and of the entertainment value brought by electric flames.

    • Well I did save the plate to use for cakes if that helps. I realised I don’t need so much iron with not being pregnant (despite the photographs) and didn’t want to waste the new boiler I’d had fitted.Anyway I’m in a smokeless zone.

  11. Eeek! Flaming microwave… can’t believe you used it again after the first time!! Glad you lived to tell the tale XXX

    • Be fair, I never claimed to be sensible did I? There was a lot of finger crossing going on that day.Thank you, I’m glad I survived the day too despite Yvonne saying she’ll kill me if I do anything like that again. How nice to be appreciated and loved.
      xxx Huge Hugs xxx

  12. Well now I know that I could get a red microwave – nice!

  13. David, only you could make a week of rain and chores so much fun to read, and also profess to be of one mind, in unison with your grandson. He’s a darling little guy, but my guess is he definitely has a mind of his own. In the “happy chap” picture I think he has your smile–I could tell for sure if Reuben had facial hair like yours–could you glue on some? (Bet his mother would put a stop to that!)

    • I’m quite sure I’ve seen steely determination in his eyes Marylin so he’s sure to have his own mind. I bought his a dummy with a moustache attached and he played merry heck when given it so it was either the wrong shape or he’s not into MOvember. We’ll see how he changes his mind in 20 years. To check out the similarities you could always put the picture on screen and use a marker pen?
      xxx Massive Hugs to you xxx

  14. Michael

    I object to being classed as ” hard to please” its not my fault i am a “style icon” and have high standards..( well 5ft 5inches high )…am sorry i was so boring that i placed you in the preverbial rock and hard place i.e. me asking for advice or you ignoring me and deigning to suffer a Bill Murray film ..huge hugs

    • You’re forgiven O’ li’l homunculus. Not everyone can carry off the floor sweeping overcoat to full advantage so it doesn’t look like they’re kneeling. As for the rock and hard place, well I’ve been there before when you’ve asked whether I actually have a sense of humour or just a rictus grin painted on. During the Bill Murray film I was wearing a mask and sleeping underneath it anyway. I was sure your laugh would wake me if something funny happened but knew I was safe.
      xxx Huge Hugs Bro of mine xxx

  15. First of all those are the longest little legs I have ever seen. He is going to be 7 feet tall. So sorry about the “Hot Runs” LOL. What a pain when one cannot get around well. As usual, a droll read from beginning to end! Shopping from the Old Fart perspective is fascinating in a dead butterfly sort of way 🙂 So what is it with all these emails about inheriting a fortune? I have started getting them too! Hmm…maybe WP leaked out our email accounts….

    • Believe me, I have shopping in the old fart way off to a T. No-one does it like me. Yes, Reuben is long, I think he’s part giraffe but I have the advantage of getting in while he’s young so I can persuade him that I need help shopping when he’s older. At 7 feet tall he’s going to spot the bargains for me too. I’m not sure if WP leaked our accounts but what I find most annoying is that they didn’t release them to any real millionaires anxious to help me live my life in a way to which I want to become accustomed. There must be one !
      xxx Hugs Galore. xxx

  16. Kourtney Heintz

    LOL. Shopping can be so difficult. Glad you finally found a coat for Michael. 🙂

    • Shopping is easy Kourtney, it’s the company that’s hard. He’d have been much less fussy if it had been freezing out and if a woman had brought out an ancient rag full of holes from the back he’d have bought it. Any sense he has disappears when a woman talks to him. Me they just scare to death.
      xxx Massive Hugs xxx

      • Kourtney Heintz

        I love that you paid a bill by phone and complimented the automated service on her voice. 😉

      • I’m in practice in case I can do it to a real person one day.Though by that time I’ll be so old and wheezing so much she’ll probably slam the phone down thinking she has a heavy breather.
        xxx Hugs Kourtney xxx

  17. CJ

    Hate those GI upsets! LOL! But they sure do give the added reassurance that when necessary, you CAN still break into a decent trot, eh? Haha! I know, not so funny…Baby is cuter all the time.

    • It’s amazing the pace you can make using crutches sometimes CJ. It’s a case of toes beware as I’m not particular where the crutches land when I’m going through a shop at speed looking for the loo.
      It’s like the picture of Dorian Grey, as Reuben gets cuter, I start to age more. It’s like I’m melting.
      xxx Massive Hugs xxx

  18. “Schweppes Indian Tonic Water” sipped constantly is my cure for you, and Reuben’s, “condition”… 😆 Oopsie, I actually meant 😦
    WOW!!!… a RED microwave… a-m-a-z-I-n-g 😯 I love it.
    Thanks for the big cheer up David… I certainly needed that right now xxx

    • Of course I knew you meant sad face all the time. Hmmm. I’m so surprised at the reaction to the microwave, I only bought it really to stop MuJo getting it first. though it has the advantage that Swan give a 2 year warranty.
      I’m glad to have cheered you up but sorry that you need it. I’m here if you need to blow something off your chest and I’ll try to cheer you up again.
      xxx Massive Hugs xxx

  19. David, I haven’t seen this Mentalist episode yet! Spoiler Alert!!! >.< That said, this season is amazing, isn't it?

    I loved the IWL site, even though I think they're trying to flatter me, comparing my humble writing to J.D. Salinger and Edgar Allan Poe!! O.o

    Hugs from Brazil.

    • I’ve just come through from watching episode 3/22 of the new season Renata. You won’t believe what happens…. Blue John kills Red John then turns Patrick to stone, and guess who gets married !!!!!! Yes, the season is amazing but I can’t wait to find out who Red John is. Any bets?
      You’re certainly flying high with those two as your comparison.I’d love to know what formula they use to determine their answers. I won’t ask though in case they take my comparisons back and no-one buys another book.
      xxx Sending Huge Hugs from Cymru. xxx

      • Oh, David, I’m just baffled after watching episode 4… I was putting all my money on one person an now…oh, I guess we’ll better talk after you watch episode 4 too!

        I’m very curious about the formula too, but I agree it’s better not to ask many questions when you’ve got such great results! 🙂

      • OK sneaky. I watched episode 2 before you and you declared a spoiler alert. How did you manage to watch episode 4 before me?
        I agree I’d better not question it but I wonder if I could cheat and use the comparisons in my book reviews? Writing compared to ???? at his best..anonymous. he he.
        Hope you’re having a good week,
        Huge Hugs xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

  20. Maggie Thom

    Thank you for sharing your week, you make everyday things sound quite adventurous in your household. 🙂 Love your humor.

  21. Reblogged this on Seumas Gallacher and commented:
    ..CHORTLE WARNING… Lord David provides diarised reasons for mirth at his expense.. enjoy ;;

  22. laurie27wsmith

    Thanks for dropping by my blog and following David, it’s a pleasure to have you on board.

  23. Not a dull moment in your posts…

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.