Are you sitting comfortably? Then I’ll begin.
Sometimes life pays tricks on us. It gives us a perfect sense of direction , so good that my wife used to refer to me as DaveDave ( the only person ever to get away with shortening my name) because she didn’t need a TomTom after I’d been somewhere once. I was always proud of my memory and the fact I could get a woman who could lose her way at the end of the driveway home over hundreds of miles. But along with this perfect memory for directions I was given a certain playfulness with certain names and/or places, a method of mnemonics that never bore fruit with the tricks of age before I was old enough to use them as an excuse.
Sometimes what I referred to as playfulness could lead to trouble, usually for me. For instance the lead singer of the 80’s group ‘Aha’ was Morton Harket which lent itself so well to being Horton Market. Get the idea? Well, I enjoyed the song ‘A good Heart’ by Feargal Sharkey……yes you can almost see where this is going can’t you. It soon became Sheargal Farkey and I was in the habit of calling him that all the time. One day I got a phone call at home ( back in the days when I answered that instrument of the devil). “Hi Daddy” said Yvonne, ” you know that record you love A god heart is hard to find, who did it?” “
Shearg Feargal Sharkey ” I answered. “Oh no, I just told ****** that my Dad knows so much about pop music and its Sheargal Farkey, he laughed at me. I said I’d prove it.” “Sorry Darling ” I told her ” you’ll just have to say your Dad’s an ass and was playing games with you.” The phone went quiet for a moment before a little voice said ” I don’t think I can ever trust anything you say again if he breaks up with me.”
We had a local shop where we lived. It was such a small place that the shop was a conversion of someone’s front room with the addition of a counter. I know it was named after the woman who ran it and a lovely lady she was. But whenever anyone told me the name it automatically leaked out of my memory. The family used to roll on the floor laughing if I asked anyone to go there for sweets.( well they would have if we’d been able to afford floors in those days). It was referred to as Laura’s Larder, Pam’s Pantry, Katie’s Kitchen and anything else that came to mind. To this day I have no idea of what it really was.
Of recent times I was trying to ask Ugo if he knew of a particular singer. I’d heard a bit of a song and quite liked it. I’d described the man and then using my fabulous mnemonic system given him the name Little Tantrum. Ugo just looked at me blank and I was surprised I knew of someone he didn’t of what I imagined would be his music scene. I could hear Yvonne stifling laughter and thought she’s surprised Ugo doesn’t know it too. At least until she burst out laughing and told me what a fool I am. The singer is called Tiny Tempah. I’d have thought my name a big enough clue and close enough.
Ju’s favourite one to tell people ( no-one realises just what I had to put up with- evil woman) was as the result of a TV quiz where the question had been along he lines of ‘Which Dept deals with Tax Credit awards?’ I like quizzes and quick as a flash answered “Customs and Exercise” instead of Customs and Excise. She dines out on that one for years and wouldn’t accept it was just a little bit too much enthusiasm where the brake on my mouth was released before my brain was properly in gear.
The reason I came up with this blog as a subject tonight was the unbelievable stupidity of my l’il brother Mike. The subject of a trip to the South of France came up last weekend and he immediately said ” Oh yes, you’ve always wanted to see where your Cathetereers came from haven’t you!” Actually I’ve always wanted to go there because I’m interested in the history of the Cathars. I’m not the least interested in tubes for passing urine from the body. How do people make such silly mistakes?
The History of the Cathars?
I may not be here to blog again in the future thanks to a few strokes of good luck. ( stop cheering at the back there). I’m going to share with you one of the letters I’ve had…..
OFFICIAL LETTER FROM FEDERAL BUREAU OF INVESTIGATION FBI EXECUTIVE DIRECTOR FBI FEDERAL BUREAU OF INVESTIGATION FBI.WASHINGTON DC. ROBERT MUELLER III. FBI SEEKING TO WIRETAP INTERNET Website: http://www.fbi.gov/ ATTENTION:FUND BENEFICIARY, The Federal Bureau of investigation (FBI) through our intelligence monitoring network have discovered that the transaction that the bank contacted you previously for was legal. Recently the fund has been legally approved to be paid via Central Bank of Nigeria.The Federal Bureau of investigation (FBI) Washington Dc.in conjunction with the United Nations (UN) financial department have investigated through our monitoring network noting you that your transaction with the Central Bank of Nigeria is legal. You have the legitimate right to complete your transaction to claim your fund valued at $5.5 (Five Million, Five Hundred Thousand United State Dollars) Only,Because of so much scam going on internet,The Federal Bureau of investigation have decided to contact the FedEx Courier Service Company in Lagos, Nigeria for them to give us their procedures on how to send this money to you without any further complain or delay. We just got an information from the Central Bank informing us that; they have loaded your $5.5 (Five Million Five Hundred Thousand United State Dollars) in an ATM MASTER CARD and submit to the FedEx courier service company for immediate delivery to your doorstep. You are required to choose one option, which you will be able to pay and also convenient for you, for quick delivery of your parcel containing your ATM CARD and other two original back up documents. Service Type | Delivery Duration | Charges/Fees: =============================================== Premium Express (24hrs Delivery) Mailing $100.00 00.00 Insurance $150.00 00.00 Vat $50.00 00.00 TOTAL $300.00 ======================== Special Express (1 Day) Mailing $80.00 00.00 Insurance $100.00 00.00 Vat $50.00 00.00 TOTAL $230.00 00.00 ========================= Economy Express (3Days) Mailing $70.00 00.00 Insurance$? 80.00 00.00 Vat (5%) $50.00 00.00 TOTAL $200.00 00.00 ========================= You are hereby required to advise us, on your parcel delivery option by filling in the required form stated above. Please note that the deadline for claiming your fund is exactly one week after the receipt of this email. After this period, your fund/ATM CARD would be returned back,so take note. Moreover, this is some tracking number of beneficiaries that received their payment through us and via FedEx website (http://www.fedex.com/) As if this isn't enough. I've also had a Nigerian lady contact me to say she's dying and wants her young son's fortune to be taken care of, can she send me Two and a half million pounds to ensure his future in my care. I was particularly sorry for this
bitchwoman as she claimed to be dying of the same evil cancer that took my Ju away. In a strange twist of fate I've had a proposal of marriage from a girl who's parents have died and left many millions in bank accounts in this country but she can't access them with out a national's help. I don't know whether she knows the crooked bank manager who has inadvertently come into possession of 50 million pounds but as a bank employee can't claim it. He can however transfer it to my account if I promise to give him half. Life is just a bunch of roses and I don't know how I got so lucky......On second thoughts, I'd miss my friends and the ones I just like annoying so I'll have to turn them all down and stay with you.....SORRY. XX My Pocket Money.