Risking one eye and a Turn of the Cards.

Sunday. It was a late night last night so I felt great to stay asleep till 6.22 this morning. We’re setting records here folks. Talking of records I opened my mail today to find three offers from ladies who think their pictures will convince me there’s a life I’m missing out on. I decided to risk an eye. What I got was an eyeful. I’m guessing I was being shown part of her anatomy but all I could think of was, I don’t want to meet the horse that wears a horse collar like that. Another email swiftly sent to spam which was fairly appropriate for the amount of meat I’d just seen. I’m still shaking and believe me without spell check I’d be in trouble now.                                                                                         I had to be careful how much food I put in for the fish my hands were so bad and I wouldn’t have needed my new toy to do a milkshake. I sat in the lounge with two coffees and tried to get my eyes to refocus. Shock isn’t good at my age. Honestly ladies you’d have to be desperate to chase me in the first place but if you’re that hard up for clothes I’ll send a donation. I heard Mike moving just after 10.00 so I made him a coffee. I hadn’t realised all he was doing was turning over so my call of “Coffee’s up” right down his earhole may not have been welcome. Luckily he rose a few moments later. After coffee and two cigarettes and a visit to the loo it was possible to speak to him and I asked if he’d help me with Ju’s old printer. First thing we noticed when we brought it through is that it’s wi-fi and a much better model than mine. Three years it’s been lying in a corner and the bloody thing printed first time without having the ink changed though I can see the black is due soon. That took us up to lunch time. Mike packed his cade and we got ready to go. He put his case on the doorstep and locked up. I remembered I had something for a neighbour so he nipped back inside for me. He locked up and headed for the car while I knocked at the neighbours house and then followed him. We went back to The Blossoms this week as the owner and family are well and cooking again. We had a fabulous roast lamb dinner unusual only in that we were offered pickled red cabbage with it that we both jumped at. It was a lovely meal.I must have confused poor Kev the barman by having a coffee instead of my usual lemon and lime drink. Mike drove me home, dropped me off and I waved him goodbye as he set off for his dad’s. I just got to my front door and there was his suitcase still on the step. I quickly texted him and back he came though he rushed past me and sprinted for the loo. He hadn’t got my message. Amazing.                                                                                                                                                                       Once he’d departed and I’d locked the door to stop him getting back in I divided my time equally between messages, TV and nodding off until the final episode ( I think) of the Sherlock Holmes series came on. I’m enjoying them but they can be quite bizarre in parts. I now have  less than two minutes o get to bed while it’s still Sunday.

Monday. It was eerily quiet when I woke this morning, almost like being in the eye of the storm. I realised I couldn’t hear rain for the first time in I don’t know when. I smiled to myself and the quiet was broken as I stubbed my toe. I had successfully avoided the bags of Christmas gifts around the perimeter of my room but walked blindly into the corner of the stick stand in the hallway. Who was it made me buy the darned thing anyway. Ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch, I hopped to the bathroom and turned the light on expecting to have to be rushed to hospital with a broken toe………not a mark, except for an eency weency chip in the edge of a toenail. Is that all I have to show for this pitiless pain?  Hmph, no point in hopping now either, anyway it’s hard to take a pee and keep it in place when you’re hopping. I finished up and returned to the bedroom to turn the computer on. Sure enough my distraught friend in Burkina Faso  who’s husband died still has her 6 million plus and since she’s not expected to live for long wants me to accept 40% to spread the rest round the churches she favours. Trouble is I’m so oversubscribed to my honesty mission and have so many millions due that I’m not sure I can handle 40% of this wee drop in the ocean. I’m afraid she should have become ill much earlier if she specifically wanted my help. There must be a poor person out there who needs the work. Actually from what I’ve been hearing about the TV show Benefits Street perhaps there isn’t anyone who wants a job and wouldn’t take this money in case it stopped their benefits. I’m never sure who has these bright ideas that reality shows are a good thing. They rarely show the nice side of people. A group of deadbeats and scroungers are hardly likely to be taken to the nation’s heart except for the few who think this way of life enviable and those featured in the show of course. I may be taken as a prude here but I don’t have the patience to watch a show where people don’t have the imagination to use the rich language we own instead of a plethora of swear words and curses in every sentence.                                                                                                                                               After dealing with the rest of the early messages I made myself a cuppa, took my tabs and fed the fish. I took the drink back to the bedroom and after getting dressed enjoyed it while going through Ancestry.co.uk  I’m not strictly doing people in a direct line at the moment as I hit a dead end. But, some of the families of people who have intermarried with mine are throwing up some interesting facts. There are more from Yorkshire than I thought and a few from Gloucester, it’s quite interesting trying to find out why they moved and eventually married someone from my family. Was it the industrial revolution throwing them off the land? I have two annoying blocks,  family member born about 1774(?) in Ireland and his wife born about 1794(?) on Gibralter. they married in 1819 in Scotland by which time he’d been disabled out of the army after being wounded a couple of times in 1812-1815 in Spain. Neither Gib or Ireland have all their records available online. Back to messages trying to sort out with Yvonne an appointment to have my bloods done again, I swear I’m the sole support of the B neg vampires in the area. Turns out next Monday morning is the first one. I also tried to get her to make a decision about what w’re doing tomorrow. Her allergy must still be in place because she won’t make a decision. I’ve decided on a sort of part-way compromise so I’m near enough the shops for my strawberries, bananas and fresh bread. I’ve decided to eat healthy meals between my chocolate breaks for a while. At lunchtime I made two ham salad rolls and followed up with four jaffa cakes. For tea it was two small slices of malt bread, a piece of Christmas cake   ( finished now) and a yoghurt. A little later I may have had 4 dark chocolate fingers. A little later still there may have appeared in my hand in a wonderous fashion 4 liquorice allsorts. I hate the little men they put in the box and this time there has not been a single piece of ordinary liquorice at all. I watched a little TV including an old Poirot before coming through to find my message box full. Now it’s time for a bit more Pratchett.

Tuesday. Early morning. Post dealt with. Argument as to who goes where with Yvonne and she won’t make a decision so coat on and off to meet her. She and Reuben were there before me, not that Reuben has much choice since she always pushes him around. We had a look round the children’s clothing sale and were surprised at how little there was. Reuben was a little restless so we went for a coffee, or rather I did as Yvonne didn’t want a drink. The lady who served me kindly brought it to the table for me and I was able to hold Reuben for a while, he was full of smiles. After my drink we went downstairs to do somee food shopping, starting with strawberries and bananas ready for Diet Day 1 tomorrow. A milkshake for breakfast I think, followed by ham salad baps for lunch ( with maybe just 4 dark choc fingers for pudding) If I feel peckish at teatime I can either have another milkshake or maybe a yoghurt. I also bought some ice cube trays as this machine is supposed to make short work of them so perhaps I can indulge in a slush-puppie at some stage if I get the sauce.                                                                                                                                                                                          We wandered slowly round some other shops then as lunchtime approached for Reuben took another coffee break. Yvonne changed him afterwards ( got a lousy swap) and off we went again.  Eventually my stomach started growling and since we were quite close to a cafe ( what a coincidence) I was able to get something to eat. Yvonne had something that resembled a toastie but I think may have been a panini while I had a jacket potato with beans, it was very filling. One more shop, the last and I’d about had enough so Yvonne walked me to the bus stop though I wanted her to catch her own bus and she wanted me to go home with them  saying Ugo would be disappointed not to see me. I know I’ll be seeing them this weekend but to be honest I’m not in birthday mood at the moment. Plus I want to go somewhere on Sunday and they want me to go somewhere else. Yvonne’s insistence on it is worrying.                                                                                                                                                                                                                         I got home safely and spent most of the evening in here with messages since the one foray into the lounge for TV resulted in me sleeping most of the way through a French film. Shame, it seemed to be quite funny on the occasions I was able to feel my eyelids apart. Time now to relax I think and perhaps have a few pages of my book before sleep.

Wednesday. I was having one of those real ‘I can’t be bothered mornings’. I’d got up early and done the messages. I’d taken my meds and made a coffee, done a bit more on the computer and finally got dressed. A short walk to the corner shop for some fresh baps, cigarettes and my TV magazine saw me knackered when I got back. Putting the bread away I found I’d forgotten the fish this morning and had to grovel an apology as I turned their light on and fed them. It was Time! I unpacked the box and set my new toy up. I put in loads of strawberries, a little strawberry milkshake liquid and a bit of milk.  About twenty seconds of ‘whooshing’ and it looked like I had a milk shake in one of my new beakers. I drank it as I answered the next batch of emails and also bid on something on Ebay. I had intended to do a couple more poems but there just didn’t seem to be time. The post van brought a parcel which turned out to be the new TVbox so that I can catch up on programmes I missed. I didn’t open it as there are some wires still to come and anyway, Mike is the one to put this together for me without putting wires in the wrong holes like I do. I finished the milk shake but it was very thick so I need to add more milk next time, maybe some crushed ice too, it was definitely very fruity though.                                                                                                    Lunch time arrived and I made two ham salad baps with plenty of onion. I was too full after one and a half to finish. I stayed in my armchair afterwards and nodded off for a half hour or so. Most of the afternoon was taken up with a bit of polishing and hoovering but in truth it was half-hearted. For tea I managed a bag of crisps and a banana. Then just before 6.00 pm  Dilwyn and Matt arrived. I made drinks then set up the table and got the Scrabble out.Two games with a few attempts to create words the world isn’t ready for yet. I managed to win both but the margin was small on the first and devastating for them on the second. Getting a seven letter word out and gaining the 50 point bonus was a great help. Next came cards and as promised I set up to teach Matt how to play Nomination Whist. He picked it up very quickly, unfortunately for me he picked it up too quickly and though Dil was the winner, Matt pushed me to third place. The language was atrocious and theirs wasn’t too good either. Still a bit of time left we launched into a game of Crazy 8’s or as I’ve mentioned before AKA Friendly Enemies. For a while I thought I was paranoid about them teaming up on me till I realised it wasn’t paranoia but fact. I still managed to thrash them. I reminded them afterwords that sticks and stones may break my bones but…I didn’t get any further before I was attacked with sticks. They left just after 9.30 and headed home for poor Dil to get his tea. I confess to being really grateful he comes here after a days work to give me some company and Matt joins him. I tidied up, turned off the lights and came through to finish the days messages. 98 waiting but I did win the Ebay item. I just have to get the seller to add postage now as it’s too far away for collection. Time for some sleep now.

Thursday. It was another early rise day which surprised me as I’d read quite late last night. I’m always reluctant to put a Pratchett book down and he always makes it hard by not having chapter breaks in his books. The mail was dealt with quite quickly as it’s getting very easy to recognise the wild women, psychics and crooked bank managers and just delete them these days. Easier still are the number of banks I don’t have accounts with telling me there are problems. It’s funny, but I showed Mike one of these last week and that the logo at the bottom took you to the site of the real bank. He was surprised at how sophisticated these con-men are. If they don’t carry your name and account number, DUMP THEM.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                         I did have one fun message I’d like to share a part of which you might enjoy while I just go and get dressed……………………………………………………………………………………..

Time to get your socks off!

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I’m back, and before you ask it seems Greek and Celtic are mine. About 9.00 am I dashed to the shops for my lottery- no luck again last night- the Weekly newspaper and some milk. I’d not been long back when MuJo arrived. It was announced they’d come to take me for a birthday dinner and to shop for a gift/gifts. No wasn’t an acceptable answer so after drinks and a long chat about how much we’d enjoyed Christmas and loved the gifts we’d exchanged we set off for lunch. I loaded myself up with sweets for lunch at Kassidy’s and apres lunch at Temptations. So the new diet is going really well. MuJo had roast chicken dinners while I had bacon, egg, beans and chips. Don’t worry, I’ll smack the back of my own hand. Ouch!                                                                                                                                                                                                                       After lunch I suggested a quick trip to Lidl where I found they still had some coin cases which are really inexpensive and got MuJo to buy it for me. I thought we’d both be happy now. We headed for Flint next but instead of going for coffee straight away John suggested we tour the shops first. Until we hit the first one and he followed me round asking if I’d seen anything I liked, I didn’t realise we were still birthday shopping. I had to keep telling them I was really happy with the gift already bought. Half a dozen shops later and we went for coffee and a sit down. The girls were grateful for their sweets. After coffee there was one last shop to go into where I bought myself…..please don’t tell Mike, a new shirt…AND  a pair of trousers. I mean the sale prices were ridiculous. Muriel bought me a fleece in a similar colour so I hoped that was it. In the car on the way home, John asked me what I really want for my birthday, with emphasis on want not need. I kept trying to explain I’m more than happy with my gifts but I’m told it’s not optional. I’ll receive a surprise one when I see them next. They left to go see John’s mum who is becoming more bed bound by the day. There had been a package delivered while I was out which turned out to be the wires/plugs for the new catch-up TV box. I turned on the Antiques Road Trip and opened a tiny tin of peaches and sat and enjoyed myself.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      Back to work after that as there were 104 messages in my in-box again. It took me till almost 7.000 pm to deal with those after which I went through to the lounge to tidy up a bit and waste some tome before 8.00 and my Big Bang Theory. Two episodes, the last of Season 6 which I’ve seen and the first of season 7 which was hilarious. It was all messages up till bedtime then and at 11.30 of to bed with the book. I’m getting close to the end now.

Friday. I heard the lark coughing this morning when I got up. It was just turning over in it’s nest for another hour or so. I’m not sure Mrs. Lark was too thrilled as she was already on the edge. I worked on emails till 7.00 and hen decided on an early coffee today while I finished off. At 9.00 I went out for a packet of cigs and was amazed to find that somehow a KitKat must have fallen into my hand in the shop. It’s lucky that I found she’d charged me for it anyway. Not wishing to see any waste I reluctantly ate it. Mmmm chocolate.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                Most of the morning was spent on the computer. Two more poems for Reuben’s book and mail kept up to date. About 11.00 my phone buzzed and I was expecting a message ‘On way’ but it was my friend Lis checking to see if I’d be in this afternoon. She wanted to bring my birthday prezzie. It was quite handy for me as I had some gifts waiting for her too from my little forays into the sales. She said she’d be here around 2.00 pm. At 12.00 I got a message to say Mike was on his way. I didn’t reproach him for his late start as I wanted to save the sarcasm for when I could see his face. I expected him around the 2.00 mark as well. I had my lunch which was two ham baps with tomato and coleslaw. I behaved afterwards mainly because my biscuits had run out. At the appointed hour Lis arrived and I had her coffee pouring as I answered the door. The hug and kiss were delightful.  We put my gifts to one side until tomorrow ( I can be trusted not to prod and poke) and I handed Lis her bag. First she found the teaspoon with half the bowl cu away so she can have half a spoon of sugar at home. Then came the wine holder which was a metal Father Christmas (who looked like me) and who’s head served to sit on the top and neck of the bottle. Lastly came the bottle, well no use giving half a gift is there. I owe Lis so much more than this for her support during Ju’s illness and last days. I’m going to miss Julia this weekend. Actually I’m not too well and wonder if cancelling might not be a good idea. Lis left about 3.15 and amazingly Mike still hadn’t arrive to schmooze her. He came about 3.30 and I’d just boiled the kettle. The reason for his lateness….he put his stomach first and stopped on the way to eat. Some priorities eh? He let me do a little work while he drank his coffee and filled my ears with his doings over this week.                            At 7.00 he offered to trim my hair and beard and accidentally let slip that Yvonne has asked him to since I hadn’t been happy at how I looked in some photographs on my last birthday. After that he helped me shave and washed my hair for me. By the time I got out of the shower I was cruppered and short of breath. Quite a few pains today whinge whinge moan. We chatted and watched TV until 10.00pm when I came through to 102 messages that have taken till now to clear. In two minutes time it will be my birthday. Far too old for a woman which is just as well as I’ve forgotten what to do with them. One minute to go so I’ll say goodnight and try to finish my book.

Saturday. The Official Birthday. It’s very important that any of you suffering from heart conditions, distended hemerrhoids or shock related alopecia take a seat before reading this.

1) I got up at 6.28 am today!!!!!!

2) When I went through to make a coffee ( without looking at emails) I found a card waiting, it was soft and nicely worded without an insult in sight even though knowing it was from Mike I turned it upside down, shook it and heated it with the steam from the kettle.

3) When his alarm went off at 7.00 I took a coffee through and asked him who he was and what he’d done with my bro. He did grunt a bit but was actually up at 7.05 without me resorting to violence.

I dealt with the bins and assorted recycling bags, opened some cards and gifts, drank my coffee, washed and dressed then worked on messages until a voice asked if I was ready to go out. It had only just gone 7.30 and despite my reluctance to leave 64 messages not dealt with I threw my coat on and we left. We drew up to the Supermarket at 8.00 and the place didn’t collapse. I managed to clear the food shopping quite quickly but a fair bit of time was spent looking for a picture frame for some artwork and a couple of other items. No joy so we had a coffee and left. We went to a retail park called The Greyhound and chased through a few shops till loo break called then we resumed the search. Still no joy. As time was getting on I suggested lunch and we found ourselves in Frankie & Benny’s. The prices were steep paying nearly £25 for two breakfasts and two drinks, but the service is always good there. On leaving I asked if we could nip into the pet shop where I wanted to look at the baby rats. They’re so pretty, Mike looked at the fish instead suggesting rats were only good in a sandwich. The box of dog food I threw missed and we were evicted. There was one shop left on the return journey to the car and I nipped in on the off chance. Not only did I get a picture frame but Mike found a box that may be suitable for something I want.          Before we could go home we had to pay a visit to Temptations so off we went to Flint. I got some chocolates from the car boot and followed Mike inside. As I reached the end of the shop where the cafe is I heard “Hello beautifuls” from Ceri before the staff started singing Happy Birthday. You could have warmed your hands on my cheeks and my face was warm too…… We ordered and the coffee came but no money was accepted, the speed of putting that cash back in my wallet would have delighted a racing driver, it was so fast Queen Victoria hadn’t had time to blink in the light. Mike and I sat at our table and he bantered with Ceri as she worked. Once the queue had gone she disappeared to the front of the shop and Helen came to give me a hug and kiss.Moments later Ceri reappeared with a card, a helium balloon which was attached to one of my crutches and a beautiful pen nicely wrapped. It was from all the staff there. They’re a wonderful bunch and there’s no doubt why the place is so popular. Leaving was fun as the balloon was bobbing about my head to the amusement of the other patrons. I’m surprised I didn’t need an entertainment licence. Behind me all the way to the car was this vague suspicion of a snigger. The snigger drove me home. One of the neighbours came out to bring a parcel the post van had left and commented on me having a birthday  she didn’t know about. No chance of hiding it today. Mike and I put the shopping away and I left him fitting the new TV box while I came through. It took a couple of hours to get rid of the 64 messages left this morning. Time for a break so I made tea and we tested the ‘catch up’ capabilities of the new box by watching an episode of The Tomorrow People we’d missed. It worked fine. Just a bit of a film later and the lure of the computer took over and I had to leave. I had countless Facebook messages and 142 emails. The screams echoed off the walls. So far it’s been three and a half hours  and I’m close to quitting only we’re well into Sunday now and maybe if I sleep late enough I won’t have to go out.  For the first time I am not looking forward to meeting up for lunch with the family as I don’t know what to expect. When I have no control it worries me. Don’t get me wrong, I love them all but I don’t like surprises much  and there’s been such insistence I go to this place  it makes me wonder why.  Wonder if I can do it by phone call?

Anyway, I wish you all a happy week. Be safe. Hugs x…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

Happy Man

 

Snug Man.